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Betrayal is a BITCH

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Started by mumof2boys, May 15, 2008 7:23 AM
773 replies to this topic
773 replies to this topic

    mumof2boys

    Aspiring Evangelist

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Posted May 21, 2008 - 1:55 PM

#41
I couldn't agree with you more. He has severed ALL contact with her. She has text messaged him (last week) and he immediately called me and forwarded it to me. Neither of us responded. She's a complete piece of S&*T and enjoys saying horrible things to me. I do not think that her husband knows and I tried calling him last week to tell him but she wouldn't answer the phone. She's a liar and a coward. My husband has even offered to change his email address, his work email address and his cell phone number (both personal and work). He is trying very hard to make this work so I have to give him credit where credit is due. If he continues to treat me the way that he has been for the past week or so, it will show my boys how to be wonderful husbands because my husband has truly been kissing my behind (as he should be). He says nothing when I go out with friends, he occupies the boys when I breakdown crying and he has brought my roses and cleaned the house. So...this is a HUGE step for him. He had completely withdrawn from me over the past two years and I can slowely start to feel a reconnection. Keep your fingers crossed for me that if this works, it will be the best marriage ever and if it doesn't that we will at least have a good communication between us for the sake of the kids. Hugs from all are welcome and well wishes, too. Thanks everyone!!!!


    Blund

    Michibander

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Posted May 21, 2008 - 1:59 PM

#42
Great Tina. Sounds like he is really making the effort!!


    Scarlett O'hara

    Expert Member

  • Posts: 100
  • Joined: Oct 2007
  • Surgery: LAP-BAND
Posted May 21, 2008 - 4:31 PM

#43
Hi Tina,
I went through this too about 7 years ago, before we had any kids. I experienced a similar emotional rollercoaster like you are, and I totally feel for you !!! Crying at the drop of a hat, huge breakdowns (literally falling on the floor infits of emotion) the rage I felt was unreal!!
I did not sleep in bed with him for weeks, or like you wear my wedding ring. It seemed like it all lasted forever, but I promise you it does end and you will re-gain your sanity!!!

Please hang in there. You are on the right track!!


    mumof2boys

    Aspiring Evangelist

  • Posts: 596
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  • Location: MARYLAND
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  • Surgery Date: Apr 2007
  • Height: 5 feet 5 inches
  • Starting Weight: 275 lbs
  • Weight Lost: 125 lbs
  • Current Weight: 150 lbs
  • Goal Weight: 145 lbs
  • BMI: 25
Posted May 21, 2008 - 4:58 PM

#44
Well...I'm home from work now and drinking an "alcoholic" beverage so right now I'm alright, but I can't guarantee what the next hour will bring. It usually hits me around 7:00 - 7:30 with the crying. You guys have no idea how much it means to me for all of the responses and the PMs that I have received. I will make it one way or another. I will be happy again. Hell...I have been going out on the weekends and getting hit on left and right...I have had MANY opportunities to leave the bar with men but I wouldn't do that, even in the situation that I'm currently in. So...I only say that because I'm not staying because I'm afraid to being alone...I'm staying because I took vows and I have created a family with this man and the way that he has recently been acting, I think that there may be a future for us. He needs to continue doing what he's doing and treat me like the queen that I should be treated like. Wish me luck and send me good vibes...I need them. I'll let you know tomorrow how I make out tonight on my rollercoaster ride. Hopefully I won't get sick. lol


    erikadawn

    Senior Member

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  • Joined: Feb 2008
  • Location: DELAWARE
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Posted May 21, 2008 - 5:07 PM

#45
I found out my husband cheated on me about 3 months ago. Right after my surgery with a mutual friend and co-worker. It was like a weight was on my chest and A brick on my head. Its hard, we are still trying to work it out, but I dont know if I want this anymore. Yes children are involved but I dont want to be miserable. The days get better but i dont forget. Somedays I get so mad That I just send him nasty texts. It will get better because we are working on us, it will be okay. Everytime you start thinking about it clean, or take a walk, it helps some. Keep your head up.


    Phoenix

    Carpe diem

  • Posts: 83
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Posted May 21, 2008 - 6:43 PM

#46
I'm so sorry. Been there. I'm going to give you the Cliff's Notes from my experience. Maybe it will help.

His affair wasn't about you. He should have been thinking about you, You were reason enough NOT to do what he did. But he was compartmentalizing "the rest of his life" away from the affair. It was selfish on his part. He did it because his ego needed the extra boost.

Why he told you after ending it is the 2nd most selfish thing he did. Unless she was threatening to tell you, he should have dealt with his shame and said nothing. Confessing just brought you pain. It didn't restore his honor. Confession was good for his soul, a crushing blow to yours. He gets no "good guy" props for causing the train to wreck.

Again, it wasn't about you. The compelling crap that took him down that pathway is his therapy, not yours. Do not blame yourself.

Most affairs last on average from 2 - 4 years. I was shocked to find that out.

The litmus test: If he takes responsibility for where he put his weiner, he just might be worth forgiving. If he blames you for his affair, he's yesterday's coffee grounds and it's time to dump him.

It sounds like he may be the type to own up and be responsible for his actions.

Typically, he honestly feels horrible for causing you such pain. He never expected this part of it. The anger, sure, but not the anguish. Again, no props for recognizing he may have totaled the relationship. He's responsible for where he put his weiner. Not you.

What therapy will do for you, should you choose to soldier on and try to learn to trust again...You'll learn to communicate better. You'll learn to recognize and hear the "I needs" that he'll learn recognize in himself to ask from your relationship. It will help to keep him honest.

If you don't go on, then continue the therapy until you get to the point where you can say "It hurts like hell, but I didn't deserve this. It wasn't about me. Every guy isn't like this."

Good luck and big gentle hugs. You'll get through this one way or the other.


    BLUE EYED GIRL

    to new beginnings

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Posted May 23, 2008 - 7:22 AM

#47
tina,i cant say that i know what your going thru,i have been married over 13 yrs and belive if they truly love you then theres no need to go elswhere,its so difficult when children ae involved and if there not of an age of understanding whats going on,i dont belive i would ever take my hubby back if he did the dirty,i wouldnt be able to trust him.i reckon you deserve to find someone who truly loves you for you.


    *susan*

    Admin



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Posted May 23, 2008 - 7:32 AM

#48
My children were 6 and 8 when we learned my ex was cheating on me. I feel so terrible to this day because they were with me when we made the discovery. I just lost it and completely broke down in front of them. I know it had to have affected them horribly. They are 15 and 17 now and we do talk about it. They love their father and have a wonderful relationship with him, which I would never deny them. But, if nothing else they both learned how betrayal like that impacts the partner and are both adamant that they will never do that to someone they love.


    Devana

    Bariatric Master

  • Posts: 1,170
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Posted May 23, 2008 - 9:36 AM

#49

I'm so sorry. Been there. I'm going to give you the Cliff's Notes from my experience. Maybe it will help.

His affair wasn't about you. He should have been thinking about you, You were reason enough NOT to do what he did. But he was compartmentalizing "the rest of his life" away from the affair. It was selfish on his part. He did it because his ego needed the extra boost.

Why he told you after ending it is the 2nd most selfish thing he did. Unless she was threatening to tell you, he should have dealt with his shame and said nothing. Confessing just brought you pain. It didn't restore his honor. Confession was good for his soul, a crushing blow to yours. He gets no "good guy" props for causing the train to wreck.

Again, it wasn't about you. The compelling crap that took him down that pathway is his therapy, not yours. Do not blame yourself.

Most affairs last on average from 2 - 4 years. I was shocked to find that out.

The litmus test: If he takes responsibility for where he put his weiner, he just might be worth forgiving. If he blames you for his affair, he's yesterday's coffee grounds and it's time to dump him.

It sounds like he may be the type to own up and be responsible for his actions.

Typically, he honestly feels horrible for causing you such pain. He never expected this part of it. The anger, sure, but not the anguish. Again, no props for recognizing he may have totaled the relationship. He's responsible for where he put his weiner. Not you.

What therapy will do for you, should you choose to soldier on and try to learn to trust again...You'll learn to communicate better. You'll learn to recognize and hear the "I needs" that he'll learn recognize in himself to ask from your relationship. It will help to keep him honest.

If you don't go on, then continue the therapy until you get to the point where you can say "It hurts like hell, but I didn't deserve this. It wasn't about me. Every guy isn't like this."

Good luck and big gentle hugs. You'll get through this one way or the other.


Sage and wonderful advice, Phoenix.

Tina, the only thing I can add is to exercise like crazy. Walk every where and hit the gym every chance you get. It really is a good way to help the grief dissipate.


    HarleyNana

    Bariatric Legend

  • Posts: 3,486
  • Joined: Oct 2004
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Posted May 25, 2008 - 10:19 AM

#50
Tina, just a quick note to let you know I'm thinking about you and I'm so proud of you!


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