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Bi Polar spouse or partner...how do you deal?



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I have a bi-polar stepdad. I don't deal very well, and if I were in my mom's shoes, I'd have kicked his ass out.

He sometimes doesn't take his medicine and then he'll say that God is telling him to kill her and me. When I was 15 he threatened to break my neck . She wasn't around and didn't believe me...she believes me now!

Recently we filled out a mental health warrant and the police came and took him away for about a month. Since then, he's been great. Before that....scary shit.

So, I don't have much advice, other than - YOU CANNOT SAVE HIM.

Either leave, or learn to deal with the crazy. You cannot fix it. It will not get better.

:thumbup: Sorry, hon.

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I think the hardest thing in this situation is the person themselves admitting how sick they are. I have 2 personal experiences with this, not as serious as bipolar but still.

DH tends towards depression and anxiety and it has really escalated at one point in his life. But what really made me think "I cant deal with this" was the self pity and desire to wallow in it, which of course is part of the illness. He didnt want to seek help, it was as if he enjoyed the state he was in in some warped way. It suited him to moan about how the whole world was against him, it must have satisfied some part of him. So although you never tell a depressed person to pull their socks up, I laid it on the line - make an effort to get better or I'm leaving. I will not live with this downer on what is a VERY good life that we have if you wont even try.

Thankfully, he's never quite descended that far again, he seems to have recovered a good degree of resilence and an ability to handle stress again.

More serious is the situation my sister is in. Her DH has some sort of obsessive compulsive disorder, he cant throw anything out. He also cant spend money. She's 40, 34 weeks pregnant with her first baby and living in a house in Sydney that by all reports (she's never allowed me to see it) should be demolished. She has power only in the kitchen and living room and hot Water only in the bathroom. There's holes in the floor, and ceiling. This is a heritage listed house, a potentially beautiful early 20th century federation home in inner Sydney, worth a freaking FORTUNE, but he wont fix it up although he owns it lock stock and barrel. It is piled to the roof with junk in every room, there's just a little space hollowed out for the couches in the lounge room, the kitchen is full of car parts, there's about four old cars in the backyard, the garage is full of junk, he picks things up off the side of the road, there's rats and mice because he does things like buying 10kg bags of rice and sugar that they dont need.

Not the sitaution to bring a baby into. I think she thought he'd finally change with a baby on the way, but he cant. He wont leave it to rent, and then he's gone and left the handbrake off his car and its rolled into someones house. Rather than rely ont he insurance to fix it all up, he wants to fix these people's house for them because he doesnt want to pay the excess.

I feel sick about it, I'm so so worried about her. She's emotional, hugely pregnant and now has to cope with this once she brings the baby home. I dont think he's even aware that he's not normal! If she walks, he'll be baffled about why. What did he do wrong? But I think its the only answer.

Its only relevant to you in terms of, if someone is willing to admit they're sick and truly work on getting better, you can perhaps deal with the downsides of the illness, the lapses in progress etc. But if its all hunky dory from their point of view, its a pretty lost cause. You cant help someone unless they want to be helped.

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Angie--he was diagnosed within the last year, but we have been together 16.

He is getting help, but sometimes I just think that I can't do it anymore. I really feel like this isn't his fault, nor my children so I don't want to leave.

I know there have got to be other people that deal with this--it is really very new to me. Last night (most likely today too, but he hasn't woke up) he was in a depression state and it turned into rage.

I think some of the worst things is everything that he says that he doesn't even remember or believe that he has said.....

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It's hard when it's not someone's "fault" to leave, but sometimes you have to do what's safe for you and your kids.

When my step-father is off his meds, I will not be around him and he is not allowed around my daughter. My mother chooses to stay - that's her deal, but I cannot put my daughter into that environment. It's not right for kids to be put in harms way - and with that personality disorder it is harms way. Whether it's malicious intent or not.

SF will go off his meds and kick dogs, and fight with people, tear down walls in the house, things he'd never do when he was "normal".

He's a sweetie - when he's medicated. When he's not, he's dangerous.

And, the meds work when his life is stable. Any changes, like seasons, for instance, or moving...or a new shirt - will set him off. There is no peace like that...for you or your girls. I feel for you, it's tough...but you gotta look at the options and choices.

Please go to a support group...they'll have so much love and compassion for what you're going through, and it could really help you take steps to work out your future, no matter what you chose to do.

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I think some of the worst things is everything that he says that he doesn't even remember or believe that he has said.....

Once, when SF was first diagnosed and not on the right meds, he was in his underwear in the parking lot of the apts where they lived. He had been yelling and harassing the receptionist girls, and they'd called the police. Mom and I pulled into the parking lot to see him hold the remote in his hand, pointing it at the cops and telling them he could turn them off with it...he knew the "code".

Later, once he was better, we told him that and he had no clue - no memory of it and was very embarassed to have been wandering in his underwear. I had taken phone pics and showed him and he cried.

It hurt to see him like that. He's a good guy...

:blink:

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Once, when SF was first diagnosed and not on the right meds, he was in his underwear in the parking lot of the apts where they lived. He had been yelling and harassing the receptionist girls, and they'd called the police. Mom and I pulled into the parking lot to see him hold the remote in his hand, pointing it at the cops and telling them he could turn them off with it...he knew the "code".

Later, once he was better, we told him that and he had no clue - no memory of it and was very embarassed to have been wandering in his underwear. I had taken phone pics and showed him and he cried.

It hurt to see him like that. He's a good guy...

:blink:

WOW! I am hoping D never gets that bad!

Yesterday he was off his meds for bloodwork...just off them a few days and life becomes hell. I haven't seen him today so I guess we will see later how it goes....

I just want back the man I love!

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There's no such thing as "normal" and calling someone with a mental illness "crazy" is mean.

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blaze- are you for real? please get off you pc high horse! did you read the posts. there is a "normal" in these cases. any reference to "crazy" was not intended to be MEAN. give me a break.

i think my father may be bipolar. growing up he always had major mood swings. i remember we always walked on egg shells when he was in a bad mood. or we found reasons to not be home when he was. he was on medications, dad's "happy pills. but they never really made him right, ya know? the littlest things would set him off. or he would hide away in the bedroom. things are still this way now. only its easier for me because i am an adult and dont live at home. my mom stayed with him until this year. she finally has had enough. the saddest part is she stayed "for the kids". we all would have been happier and better off had she left, ya know? but hindsight is 20/20.

i think you just have to do what you feel is right. perhaps you would be unhappy for a while if you did leave, but that would change. and maybe if you left that would help him some how? i am sorry i dont have a great answer to help you. i wish you all the best! you are such an amazing woman and i love reading your posts. i found much encouragement through my journy from you.

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blaze- are you for real? please get off you pc high horse! did you read the posts. there is a "normal" in these cases. any reference to "crazy" was not intended to be MEAN. give me a break.

i think my father may be bipolar. growing up he always had major mood swings. i remember we always walked on egg shells when he was in a bad mood. or we found reasons to not be home when he was. he was on medications, dad's "happy pills. but they never really made him right, ya know? the littlest things would set him off. or he would hide away in the bedroom. things are still this way now. only its easier for me because i am an adult and dont live at home. my mom stayed with him until this year. she finally has had enough. the saddest part is she stayed "for the kids". we all would have been happier and better off had she left, ya know? but hindsight is 20/20.

i think you just have to do what you feel is right. perhaps you would be unhappy for a while if you did leave, but that would change. and maybe if you left that would help him some how? i am sorry i dont have a great answer to help you. i wish you all the best! you are such an amazing woman and i love reading your posts. i found much encouragement through my journy from you.

Hop off of me and get a life

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I know first hand how difficult bipolar is on a family. I have bipolar disorder and I know that it has been really rough on my husband and two kids for the last 7 years. I have many regrets ( that I will have till I die) of things that I have said and done to all 3 of them. I love my family with all my heart. But some days, I feel like leaving them...for their own good.

I have been on medicine for the past 5 years but have only been really stable for a year now. I still have my days though. Medicine isn't a miracle cure but it sure helps.

My kids are 10 and 12 now and we sat them down a couple years ago and explained my condition to them. They have gone to my therapy appts with me so they have a better understanding of why I behave the way I do some days. They have pretty much adjusted to me and now they can predict which mood is coming next and when to let me have alone time. I love my children more than anything and it kills me to know that I haven't really "been" there for them most of their lives. But they tell me all of the time that they understand and still love me regardless.

My husband, God bless him. He must be a saint because he has put up with more than his share. We have been married for 15 years and I can't tell you how many times I have screamed at him and threw things. It gets annoying when he asks me everyday if I have taken my medicine, but I know why he does it. He should have taken the kids and left me years ago but he didn't. I am thankful for that because I don't know what I would do without my family. My husband always tells me that he loves me and if he didn't believe in me and know the real me then he would have left a long time ago.

I guess that I have always had symptoms of bipolar since I was around 10. My parents were alcoholics and very abusive. Being abused sexually, mentally, physically.....I just thought that I was normal. I didn't know any differently until my husband kept telling me that I changed and begged me to get help.

All I can say is thank God for a family that is understanding and loves me now matter how I am and for my therapist.

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blaze- are you for real? please get off you pc high horse! did you read the posts. there is a "normal" in these cases. any reference to "crazy" was not intended to be MEAN. give me a break.

i think my father may be bipolar. growing up he always had major mood swings. i remember we always walked on egg shells when he was in a bad mood. or we found reasons to not be home when he was. he was on medications, dad's "happy pills. but they never really made him right, ya know? the littlest things would set him off. or he would hide away in the bedroom. things are still this way now. only its easier for me because i am an adult and dont live at home. my mom stayed with him until this year. she finally has had enough. the saddest part is she stayed "for the kids". we all would have been happier and better off had she left, ya know? but hindsight is 20/20.

i think you just have to do what you feel is right. perhaps you would be unhappy for a while if you did leave, but that would change. and maybe if you left that would help him some how? i am sorry i dont have a great answer to help you. i wish you all the best! you are such an amazing woman and i love reading your posts. i found much encouragement through my journy from you.

Thanks want_so. We are working to get him regulated. It is a rough road.

...and blaze no one said anything about being crazy. Acting crazy is different.

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