Chubby Chasers (long post)

[princess_n_thep 2]

Okay... so I have this story to tell.....

I get a call tonight from a friend (we will call her "Jane") in absolute TEARS and huffing and puffing and groaning. After I get Jane somewhat calmed, she tells me she is divorcing her husband (we will call him "John") because he had an affair.

I WAS FLOORED!! They had a MAGNIFICENT relationship and he was very loving and attentive to her. John seemed to truly love Jane without reservations.

Here is what happened:

At first John was not supportive of Jane having gastric bypass (she had it before she and I knew about the band option). Anyways, Jane had gastric bypass about 2 years ago. When Jane had the surgery she was 387 and 5'7" tall. She was a bit big and I was one of her only friends that have stayed friends with her through the entire thing. I knew how badly Jane wanted this for herself. We talked about all kinds of things and she felt that this could make her marriage stronger by being healthy, living longer, and a better sex life. Anyways.... John became a somewhat supporter but did not really ever get into it. He didn't say no, but he didn't really oppose it in front of her.

Jane had the surgery and is today about 195 lbs. She looks AWESOME!!!

Jane found her husband sleeping with another woman. She MET the woman!! (longer story, but she actually came to her house to ask Jane to leave John) As it turns out, John is no longer sexually and physically attracted to Jane. She is no longer large enough he says!!! He said he wanted to tell her that he was a "chubby chaser" but was embarrassed. He said he was no longer happy in the marriage intimately and wanted to seperate. He said that he preferred her sexually as a large woman and now that she is forced to be smaller, he is no longer attracted to her.

She asked about their current sex life. He said that he did have feeling for her and wanted her to be happy, but that he would "imagine" her as she used to be.... big.

When he had been confronted about the affair, he went into the office and got a letter he had written to her trying to explain his feelings. He said he was planning on telling her this weekend. (labor day weekend, when they were at his parents house for a mini vacation for 4 days!!!) Not the best timing in my book, but he is a man remember. His mother and her get along very well as her mother died 5 years ago from heart disease. So he thought it would be the best place to tell her so she had someone "like a mother" to support her. He had already bought a return ticket, returning 2 days before her.

She was puzzled because he used to hoot and holler with his friends during football games at the cheerleaders and the sexy commercials. So she asks him... he says, "well that is what they expected from me, so I gave it to them. I didn't want them to think I was wierd but I really find it disgusting to be with a 'thinnie'." He told Jane that he did not want to lose their friendship. He told her that he did still love her and wanted to remain friends. He said (and has been) giving her free reign on anything she wants in the divorce so far. They have a 19 year old daughter and had been married for 23 years. He says she is his best friend and does not want that to change but does not want to be romantically involved with her. It has been 2 weeks now. He is not dating the girl he cheated with but is dating another girl.... a BIG girl. He is remaining true to his word in wanting to be friends. He is not fighting about anything.

Now, some background on John.... He is successful, intelligent, somewhat good looking for an older guy (once you really get to know him), a great personality to talk to, 5'9" tall and about 190 lbs with a medium build. Not skinny, not big, just a guy.

Jane is a mess but coping. She says that John has NEVER lied to her before. I believe that because he didn't strike me as the "sneaky" type. But, she had NO clue about the affair. It wasn't the ONLY reason, but one of the major reasons Jane did the bypass was to be more attractive for her husband. She called me because he had brought over the divorce papers (and gave her just about everything). She says he has been very sweet and seemed concerned about her, but is distant for anything intimate. (and she admits to trying)

This is obviously the shortened version.... the whole saga actually went on for hours on the phone.

SO MY QUESTION TO YOU IS:

Do you believe John??? Or is he just an asshole?

Irony certainly is a bitch huh???

[Jessiebear 2]

That's awful! I have to confess though, this is one of my biggest fears about my husband. I don't think he would do anything like this, but you never know. In 13.5 years of marriage he has NEVER said one word about my weight! And so far as I have been able to tell, he has always been "interested in me" if you know what I mean. I feel for her! What an a$$hole!

[Jachut 487]

Wow, how terrible. I would love my husband if he lost both his legs and had his face blown off. To not want to be with someone you've built a life with just because they now look a certain way is nuts. He's not worth it in my opinion.

[Parvathi 2]

I believe John.

I work for a webcam chat site (people have cameras connected to their computer and chat, where other people can see them). In some aspects, its kind of like a dating or personals site, because people from all walks of life join up and alot of them go on to meet their significant others through our site - its even how I met my DH lol. That said, there's alot of couples there too that just get on to meet other couples and sit around on a Friday night without having to spend money on the movies. But back to my original thought .. lol.

The BBW's on the site have an absolutely HUGE (no pun intended) following of guys .. and alot of them, really handsome men! These guys just get no enjoyment from the smaller ladies around. They just appreciate the larger form.

Everyone is different and we're all going to be attracted to different things...

My heart goes out to Jane though. After 23 years of marriage, I can't even begin to imagine what she must be going through.

[Lynn B 0]

OK I have to put in my 2 cents- First my heart goes out to your friend - what her husband did was really scummy - if he felt this way he should have gone to her first before starting a relationship with someone else.

Now about John - He says he prefer sexual relations with large women - but does he mean - I would rather be in a relationship with someone who may have self esteem issues that I don't have to worry about doing this same thing to me (preemptive strike)? Maybe he needs to have the dominant personality and finds that this is easiest with larger women as they tend (not all of us) to be more withdrawn from the spotlight?

What ever the truth may be I think she is better off with out him - anyone that would throw away 23 years over sex with out trying everything in there power to save the relationship isn't worthy IMO.

I hope your friend doesn't let this scar her - just remind her it was him with the problem, not her.

Good luck,

[aaamom 0]

all I can say is WOW !

I don't know if is he is telling the truth or not, but to dissolve 23 years of marriage...

I'm speechless....

[DeLarla 22]

Many men are very immature and don't know how to communicate. "Chubby Chaser" is just as racist as calling someone a Nig**. If John were black and he fell in love with white Jane, and then her skin changed, would he have to say, "sorry, but I'm a "nig**" lover? NO, he would have said he's attracted to black women. If he actually used those words then I think he's damn creepy anyway. There's nothing wrong with being attracted to plus size gals, but the word "chase" borderlines obsession - creepy.

Why did "chubby chaser" even come into the conversation? Was he secretly chasing fat girls while married? Surfing plus size porn? Fact is he fell in love with a heavy girl and she changed. If that was his initial attraction and then love built from there, then it's just that simple.

He's an asshole for having an affair for sure, tons of people cheat in marriage because they're too chicken to own up and admit their feelings. It's a form of lying.

Maybe I should lie more. I get in deep Water here at LBT for being too open and honest all the time. I'd rather let someone know how I feel than be labeled a fraud.

She deserves better, it's cliche' but tell her every closed door is just another open window, fly away and be free and find someone who loves her from the inside out.

P.S. Does he want to buy a Fatty Patty doll? (figured you could use a laugh.)

[paula 4]

How sad for Jane. After 23 years of having the same person, well, the hardest thing is to actually accept all of this is happening.

Doesnt matter if John is telling the truth. He wants out, and he cheated - so farewell!

I know alot of people here believe in this "carma" stuff. Growing up I had 2 bestfriend guys, they were twins. When we were around 13 there dad started having an affair with a woman he worked with. There mother was devastated! He eventually left her (with their 4 kids) and moved in and married the "other woman".

Sad to say, the "other woman" developed brain cancer and died a couple of years later. Their dad is now very lonley. On the other hand their mom remarried and is very happy.

Sorry Jenna - dont want to steal your thread, just wanted to give your friend some consolation in knowing, "what goes around, comes around".

((hugs)) to your friend. Its gonna hurt for a while.

[banded_for_life 2]

I believe John, but also feel for Jane. I met my husband in one of the BBW Yahoo Chat rooms and those rooms do have a huge following of men. I am not scared of losing my husband though, nor am I afraid of him cheating on me. We have been married for three years and Mark has some strict self guidelines that he follows and cheating is a complete NO NO. We have talked about me losing the weight and we both feel it can only be a win/win situation for us both. I do believe that John was dishonest with Jane from the getgo in not letting her know, that he truly only loved her for her weight, not for the woman she truly was. As hard as it is, Jane needs to dust John off and go find a buff young thing who is more than going to appreciate her new skinny self. Beleive when I say, I don't mean that lightly. I myself was abandoned by my ex after 10 years of marriage. He decided he needed to go back to his ex-wife. I just was not going to let this destroy me and Jane won't either, she will be strong.

[vinesqueen 2]

I totally believe John. Doesn't mitigate his affair, but I totally believe him. I know there are lots and lots and lots of men out there who prefer only fat women. Many go with women who are today's standard of beauty but who would prefer someone who shares my shape.

I know I've caused many a man to get his face slapped because he was oggling my fine figure. I am convinced that I've caused a couple of car accidents while taking off a sweater in public. One of my favorite memories from high school was at the beach... me in my size 16 bathing suit running down the beach to the Water, and the size 2 girl ending up screaming at her boyfriend after he fell over some rocks. He was so totally captivated by me that he actually turned around and walked backwards to watch me. Me as size 16 and her a size 2. The GF was furious and insulted beyond rational thought. Me? I'm still eating that up.

I've had my fair share of men wanting to have an afair with me because of my size. Men who were with pretty but skinny men wanted me, but they couldn't publicly admit to wanting a fat girl because socity says we are bad and not worthy. Okay, maybe not socity but the fashion and diet industries...

Jachut, you are a woman, and most women do not base things on a visual level for desire. But there are plenty of women out there that would leave a blown-up cripple like that.

I'm sure that there were other reasons why "John" left "Jane" not the least being that she physically changed. She also changed emotionally and mentally, or at least, I presume that she did. And I don't neccessarily thing this is an esteem issue either. These may have been contributing factors in the dynamics of the relationship. I'm not placing blame anywhere.

I'm pretty sure that all of us have had some expirence with "Feeders." I know that my DH is a Feeder...

[divaliciousdee 0]

I am with Delarla on this one. I HATE the words chubby chasers! I had many a men want to be with me because of my size. I actually had a guy who was married to a beautiful petite woman actually stalk me on my job. He said that he loves big women. To each his own but to leave a marriage after 23 years because of her size...I ain't buying it! He is just going through some identity crisis like he is missing out on something. Some men think that there is this freak train of women(big and small) just waiting on them if they were not attached in someway. Lies! My father cheated on my mother when I was 2 years old and she was pregnant with my sister. My mother gave him the boot and divorced him when I was 3 and my sister was 3 months old. He has married 2 other times and married the 2 women he cheated on my mom with. In sucession of the adultery(lmao). He divorced the 2nd wife and has been married to the third for 20 years. In the 20 years they have been married he has only been faithful in the last 2. Now they are seperated but still date(lol). My mother has retired early at 51 years old(she is 56 now), owns her own house and looks great! Tell your friend what goes around comes around! To this day 33 years later he still asks my mom to take him back! LOL YOu never miss a good thing until it is gone. SHe will Survive!!!

[NJChick 3]

I don't believe John, I think its a cop out !! How can you be married for 23 years and not fall inlove with the person INSIDE as well as the person outside. How can you not want your partner to be healthy? He sounds self-centered and only out for himself, and his own feeings. Thats why he couldn't tell his friends he liked big women, he was worried of what they would think of him. SELFISH!!!

Sorry but I don't buy it.

He's an *A*hole.

I feel so sorry for Jane, but you know, she will find some one who will love her for HER and not her bra size. This is going to make Jane one strong woman and I hope she tells her Ex to suck wind.

[Anwyn 0]

I believe that John is more attracted to larger women. Tough cookies! But if he truly loved her, the way she looks would never cause him to leave. What if she was disfigured in an accident? Or needed a mastectomy? He would have been out of there. He may be nice right now out of guilt, but he clearly has no strength of character or integrity. She's better off in the long run finding someone who can truly love her. What a self-centered bas****!!!!!!

[Penni60 45]

Having just gone through a cheating incident let me put my two cents worth in here.

You have to look at the reason why he cheated. He wasn't getting something he felt he needed at home. I am in NO WAY saying it was Jane's fault please don't misunderstand. There was a HUGE breakdown in communication if there ever was any to begin with.

I think John was a complete jerk for cheating. That is the easy way out of a marriage or relationship. It was an excuse he used. The reason I say that is he isn't even with the person he cheated on her with.

SIGH!! I feel for Jane. I really do. I have been through a divorce and it wasn't pretty. Thank goodness she is not having to fight that out. This is one more clue that he wanted out of the marriage.

I think he is using the "chubby chaser" excuse for the divorce. I think the marriage was done before she lost her weight. I really do.

Anyway, My heart goes out to Jane and to John and their daughter. Divorce and the break up of a long term marriage or relationship like this is never easy on anyone.

She is better off without him at this point in her life. She can now focus on HERSELF and getting the things she wants out of life. This is a new beginning.

[Jachut 487]

Now about John - He says he prefer sexual relations with large women - but does he mean - I would rather be in a relationship with someone who may have self esteem issues that I don't have to worry about doing this same thing to me (preemptive strike)? Maybe he needs to have the dominant personality and finds that this is easiest with larger women as they tend (not all of us) to be more withdrawn from the spotlight?,

Well said. I would prefer it if my husband looked a little more like Harrison Ford did 20 years ago (its getting harder to pretend) but hey, he doesnt does he? I would prefer it if he were a little more buffed and were not an accountant. But he is isnt he?

I was thinking about this all night. Sheesh. What a jerk.