Questioning my Inner Circle

[m&nsmama 0]

So I have decided to get the lap band, and am very excited! I was flopping back and forth for the last few weeks, but I met someone here from my town who has used my doctor and I am now confident this is the right thing to do. My problem? I'm having trouble with my friends, and hope you can give me some advice--if you can make it to the end of this post, that is!

I told my best friend back when I was researching it, and her response was lukewarm, at best. I've known her since kindergarten (30+ years) and jealousy is an issue for her. Always has been, and that's ok. No one is perfect. She is moderately over weight. Maybe 35 pounds. I need to lose 80-90 pounds.

I told some other friends, and got a slightly better response. The thin ones don't really approve, but no surprise there. They have no concept of what it is like to struggle with weight. The very overweight ones acted jealous--another expected response.

Last week I started the South Beach Diet because that is the diet my doctor recommends as a lifestyle diet and I thought it would be good to adopt these eating habits now, pre-surgery. I started the diet with my best friend, who was very excited to do it with me. I also told everyone who knew I was researching the surgery that I was having second thoughts. Everyone tried to hide their happiness about it, but I could tell.

As I mentioned, speaking from someone here really gave me the confidence to make this decision. I'm going forward with the surgery. Here is where it gets sticky.

I lost 4lbs on South Beach Diet and told my friends. All of them were thrilled with my weight loss, and made a point to discourage the surgery they don't know I decided to have. I made a passing comment to my best friend about feeling better seeing a bunch of old high school friends "after I lose 80lbs with the band) and her response made it clear she would be extremely jealous if I got the band. She asked me repeatedly if I was getting it, and I told her I hadn't decided.

So, it's obvious to me my friends want me to stay fat. Fat Me makes them feel better about themselves and their is little to no pressure for them to make changes about their own life. Well, I am not happy as Fat Me. I will have the surgery. The question is whether I should tell them I'm having it.

They know I am doing South Beach and have had success. They think I have decided against the surgery. I almost wonder if this is the universe telling me to keep this to myself. I find it disappointing that people respect my weight loss through diet, but make it clear they won't through surgery.

Should I keep this surgery a secret and just tell my friends I have been dieting and exercising? None of them are good at keeping secrets, so if I tell one they (and everyone they know) will know. I have to be prepared to tell the universe if I tell them. That bothers me, as well, because I feel they would tell people mainly to discredit my weight loss (done subconsciously to make themselves feel better about their own weight).

My husband says I should keep it to myself until someone asks. Then I'm supposed to say, "Yeah, I had the lap-band put in a few months back." :banghead: My husband is very sweet, but he doesn't understand how women work. :thumbup: I either tell them now, or never. My friends would be more upset I didn't tell them than the band itself, I think.

Anyone else go through this? What did you decide?

p.s. Brownie points for making it to the end of this post.

[auntlucy 22]

First, I applaud you for making the decision to take care of yourself and get healthy! You needed to make the decision that was right for you (and not your friends), and it sounds like you have done that.

I didn't tell anyone until I had already made up my mind to do it. I actually told very few people. I tend to be very private. The few people I did tell, I was very clear with them why I was telling them and what I needed from them (and didn't need from them) to be successful. I told people one on one (not in groups) because it let me tailor the conversation to each person.

As you start losing weight, you will definitely go through some changes mentally and emotionally. Your friends likely will too. But, this is about your journey...not theirs! You ultimately need to decide if you will tell them or not. My best advice is to just keep doing what is best for you and don't make decisions based on what's best for others.

[Mamacj 0]

I guess I can't say too much about keeping it quiet, I have told everyone I know that I am getting banded. I am so excited I can't help it!

I noticed your sign on is 'M&NsMAMA', so I know you are a mom like me. Just let me say, you are doing this to get healthy for yourself, but you are probably doing it for your kids, too. You know it is important to lose the weight and like the rest of us have tried many other ways but need some help and the band is it. If these people truly care about you, they will support you and get over petty jealousy and selfishness. I don't know if I am just oblivious or else no one has been unsupportive to my face, but I don't care, I need to improve my health and I know that this is a tool to help me do that.

So, stepping down from my soapbox, I will say: Your husband supports you and all of your online friends support you and I bet your best friend will wake up and support you too! Best wishes and keep in touch,

CJ

[leknigh 0]

I agree with the other posters, ultimately this decisions is yours alone to make, and you are doing it for your health. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders about the decision, and I can relate to being frustrated when others just don't "get it".

I'm sure what you're experiencing is not only jealousy, but pure concern on the behalf of some. Many people don't know a lot about this surgery, and may assume it's just as risky as gastric bypass, or something else that's more invasive.

I say tell your friends when you feel it's the right time for you (when, or if, that time comes). When you do talk to them, just explain you are doing this for yourself, your health, and your children. Afterwards, I say just leave it at that. If they have real questions about procedure fine, but if they want to "bash" or minimize your choice or efforts then change the subject or ignore the response as best as you can. Your real friends will sort themselves out I'm sure...

Best of luck to you!

[jenz75 0]

OMG!! I have the same friend!! LOL

I did include her in my "family" list of people who NOT to tell. I see the people at work more than her now anyways. They are the ones who would be real supported rather than - "Oh, but you carry your weight well" BS!! My friend too is about maybe 30 lbs overweight & with her telling me if I just cut back on Dr Peppers - I could lose weight. Seriously?? Well, I haven't drank any in many MONTHS!!

Heck- I may not even tell the girls at work & just say - I was sick with flu or something & then felt like going on a "diet" afterwards.. LOL

[pschmolle 0]

I also was excited & told all my close people (family & friends). Everyone in my family was very supportive. My thin friends were also supportive. I was suprised that my overweight friends were not supportive...at first. I think they got used to the idea & when they knew I was going to do it they got on the bandwagon. They also were afraid of change & taking a look at their own lifestyles. I'm down 25 lbs & they seem to be happy for me.

[jmegirl 2]

I have also decided to get the band, and with any luck I'll be banded by Christmas.

I think you have to make the decision early on - to tell, or not to tell. Personally, I don't want to tell everyone. I might tell the really close people in my life, i.e. my mom, my best friend. And of course, my husband will know about it - but only because I need him to pay for it, lol.

But in all honesty, I don't want people close to me to have a bad opinion of me. And I especially don't want them to judge me. Unfortunately, I think everyone I know is capable of judging me because of my decision to get a lap band. They'll be happy for me that I've lost a lot of weight, but they'll secretly think I took the "easy" way out.

My opinion - let everyone think you did it through diet and exercise. Unless they outright ask you, just let them be blissfully clueless!

[m&nsmama 0]

Thanks for all the replies! They are very much appreciated.

Auntlucy--I am private to, about the important things. This is important to me, so I can feel myself going into my shell.

Mamacj--I do have two boys, aged 1.5 & 4. They're super cute, if I do say so myself. :w00t: I want to be healthy (inside and out) to give them a good role model. I am normally an open book about most things, but things like this I am quiet about. I started off by telling everyone, but the negative response has made me gun shy about telling more people.

leknigh--Some are concerned, you are right. They feel it's very drastic, and I respect that. I've explained to them how different it is from bypass, and it did make them feel somewhat better.

Jenz75--Yeah, my BF tells me I won't qualify. My BMI is 42. Trust me, I'll qualify. My insurance is practically begging me to do it.

Jmegirl--That seems to be the consensus--that I am taking the easy way out. Sigh.

I just told my MIL, and she was very supportive--I knew she would be. For her it has never been about the weight. It was always about living as long and healthy a life as possible w/ her son and grandsons. It was nice. She made sure to tell me she didn't care what I weighed, just as long as this would keep me around longer.

Of course I didn't mention the friends (both thin and heavy) who are thrilled for me. They are all excited for me to reap the health benefits of losing weight and are very excited for me.

My MIL brought up a good point about my BF. She reminded me that her aunt had gastric-bypass and lost over 150 pounds. She also lost all sense of humility. The woman is insufferable. She now likes to point out to people in the family how much thinner she is than them. :tt2:

At first it was understandable--she was excited to be thin. But it's been a few years now. You don't go up to a person and say, "Oh! I love your blouse. I'll have to borrow it from you some time. Oh, wait. That's right--I'm much thinner than you. It will be far too big." I am not kidding.

When I told my BF she DID say her aunt really changed from the bypass. Maybe she is afraid I will become obnoxious?

Thanks again for all the input.

[jmegirl 2]

You are not taking the easy way out. Heck no! People who haven't struggled with their weight for years might think you're taking the easy way out, but they don't know the struggles you've had from being overweight. The hard times you've had trying to find clothes that look good, and the drastic diets you've tried that seem to work for two weeks and then fail badly, leading to even more weight gain. I could go on and on.

You are NOT taking the easy way out. You are doing what is best for you in your situation, because you've tried so many other routes to a healthy lifestyle and unfortunately, they've just not worked for you.

Don't worry, your friends won't hate you when you lose weight. They'll be super jealous, and one day they'll be asking to borrow your clothes!

[m&nsmama 0]

Don't worry, your friends won't hate you when you lose weight. They'll be super jealous, and one day they'll be asking to borrow your clothes!

Not if I end up thinner than them. :wink2:

[jmegirl 2]

Not if I end up thinner than them. :wink2:

That's OK. You don't really want to loan your clothes out do you?

[jenz75 0]

I'd say.. "Sure, you can borrow some of my "fat" clothes!! LOL

[jmegirl 2]

You're right, though. Your friends prefer the "Fat You" because subconsciously (or consciously even) they feel better when you are fatter than them, and thus not as attractive in their eyes.

Oh well, all that will change when you're banded. I'm happy for you!

[Kellster 1]

You know, I think for some of our friends that may not be as supportive, they may feel as though they are losing their security blanket.

I have been lucky so far because I have shared with my immediate family and close friends and 98% of them have been overjoyed for me. One friend hasn't known me very long so doesn't quite understand my frustration and struggle with weight, so I forgive her hesitation there. But there is one of my friends who is severly overweight, more so than me, and she is very resistant to it right now.

I talked about this with our mutual friends and they mentioned that it was likely because she was afraid that I would get to a healthy weight and she would be left as the only fat friend, without her "security blanket" of me as the other fat friend. With you heading toward your healthy weight, she might be left out there being overweight without any friend to cushion the judgement and frustration she has with her own weight.

In any case - it is your own personal choice, and you may have to have that conversation with her (and others) to say thank you for your concern, but I have decided to move forward with this and would appreciate your support. Sometimes just calling them out and laying it on the table makes it all better.

Good luck!

[Miss Undastood 0]

M&nsmama..

As you heard before, the decision is yours. But im just gonna say: in my situation with getting the lapband(October 3rd), I decided not to tell any of my friends. Girls are very difficult to deal with and the ones I know are very judgemental.

I understand that they will be more upset if you don't tell them. But think about this...they're the reason you kept quiet. I don't think others understand what we go through. They just need to accept the fact that we want to do something better for ourselves.

My sister acts just like your friend. Im over it. If they really care, they will respect and support your decision whether you tell them or not.

Good luck~S