Debating paying for my parents

[Manatee 3]

This thing has been a lifesaver for me, and really I would not have considered it had the parents not been looking into it for themselves.

Fortunately for me, my insurance was much better and I fired on through the process. It's been 8 months, and they're still working though the diet and support groups and all that.

I do have enough in the 401K to take a medical withdrawal and pay for both of their surgeries, but it would be a big hit. However, I'd rather spend the money and keep them around an extra 10-20 years.

The only part holding me back is that I'm not sure how serious they really are about this. They SAY they want to be thinner, but there's still all sorts of snack foods and junk around their house. Mom's diabetic and still eats everything she shouldn't.

Y'all who have been there know that this struggle is at least as much mental as physical, and it's not easy. Self-sabotage happens, I still fight that myself. I'd hate to spend the money, put them through the risk of surgery (they're both in poor health), have them struggle with all the banding issues, and STILL not lose the weight because they chug down ice cream or something.

On the other hand, if I don't pay for it, it may be another year or more before they get the green light from the insurance company, if ever they do. I don't want to be looking at a 401K balance and missing my dad.

Thoughts?

[wombat712 2]

Manatee - that's a tough place to be in. Have they done their psych eval yet? Maybe that would give you an objective view of their abilities to handle the band.

If I could afford it I would make the offer for my family members that need it. (my mom). It's a beautiful gift and shows how beautiful you are on the inside as well.

Hugs for you!

wombat

[Marimaru 7]

If it's been 8 months what are they still waiting on? The most lengthy insurance requirement I've ever heard is a 6 month supervised diet?

Maybe you should see if you can get a list of their requirements and how long that would take them. That might give you a better idea what they really have to go through with their insurance, etc. But, if someone in my family really wanted, and I could pay for it, I probably would. Also, another thing you could look into is paying for it so they can get it sooner and trying to get reimbursed by their insurance.

[CrochetGranny 0]

so I chose to pay for it myself rather than wait. So there are longer diet requirements. (I have Personal Care Insurance).

Maybe you could pay for 1 (maybe the one that needs it the most) and see if the other one makes an attempt to comply with the diet. Tough decision, but depending on your age, you may need that 401K yourself.

[Foofy 0]

Wow, you are a good son Manatee to have such thoughts of self sacrifice for your parents. But, you raise a valid concern - how serious are they? food issues run deep; and, as we see all the time on these boards, the band is not a miracle, but a tool. Also, the band is not a guarantee of longer life - anything could happen to us at any time. It's not a direct trade off of xx dollars for xx years of extra life.

I would hate for you to be eating cat food in retirement because you cleaned out your 401K at a crucial time. Now is also especially bad timing with the markets being depressed.

I offer a few questions for additional thought:

* What would it do to your relationship with your parents if you made this gift, and they did not follow the band rules and did not lose weight? Whould you be resentful? (I would be)

* How would you feel if one of your parents died on the operating table in surgery (remote - but possible)? Would you feel it was somehow your fault?

* Could you pay for ONE parent and see how it went before committing to the other?

Good luck.

[bandster_1007 1]

i think it would be a grand gesture. with the way the market is right now, you might lose as much as you would take out in money. :smile:

ok, however, if you will be giving them a gift with conditions you may want to reconsider it. a gift of this sort needs to be totally selfless and not conditional. That would only lead to tension and stress for you and strain your relationship.

if you can give the gift in that way, i say do it, your parents health is important and you have seen what it can do for you.

as for the junk and stuff in the house, i could have tried and tried before surgery to eat right, but it just wasn't going to work. the band helps with all of that.

(imho)

[snowbird 2]

I guess my question would be, is the band something THEY want or something you want them to do?

How diligently are they following up on insurance requirements? Is it taking a long time because their insurance is slow, or because they are not doing everything they can to move the process along?

As you know, banding isn't the final solution to obesity; it is what you do with the band (barring complications) that makes it a success or a failure. Will they get fills when they need them? Will they just drink milkshakes and complain they aren't losing weight? Will they get that junk food out of the house?

My husband and I paid for our daughter to be banded. I approached her with the idea, but made sure she pursued it on her own and found her own surgeon, talked to her PCP, scheduled flights, etc. It was her project, not ours once we said we would provide the funds. Are your parents willing to take ownership of the process to be banded and to live life as bandsters? Also, have you been present while they were talking to their insurance company? If there is a good chance they will be approved within the next 4 months, I would wait, as that shouldn't make a big difference in their future health. However, if they are enthusiastic and committed to the process and it doesn't look like their insurance will come through for them, I would consider helping them.

[faithmd 14]

If it's been 8 months what are they still waiting on? The most lengthy insurance requirement I've ever heard is a 6 month supervised diet?

Maybe you should see if you can get a list of their requirements and how long that would take them. That might give you a better idea what they really have to go through with their insurance, etc. But, if someone in my family really wanted, and I could pay for it, I probably would. Also, another thing you could look into is paying for it so they can get it sooner and trying to get reimbursed by their insurance.

Sadly, my requirement was 12 months of an MD supervised diet.

I think you give good suggestions, Marimaru!

And Manatee, what a wonderful thought. I agree with someone else here who said, with the volatile markets, who knows what it would be worth soon, anyway. I know a couple years ago when the markets started to slide after the dot.com boom, I lost somewhere between 20 and 35K. I have no idea how much I've lost recently, I REFUSE to look.

[bandster_1007 1]

yeah..i'm only 25, but i already have like $7k in mine, and it lost about $2.5k.

The lower the "Federal Rate" the more the stocks suffer..so i am told.

I think it is a grand gesture, very generous..but think it all the way through. you are the only one who knows if you can do it.

i do agree with what someone else posted on here about if it is only 2 months or so..wait.. i agree.

[Wheetsin 714]

See my (very old) thread on a similar topic: Would paying for someone else's band be offensive? My payment would have been out of pocket, not eating into my 401k or anything, but it's still a weird spot to be in. Fortunately their provider has since approved the band and they've both submitted the paperwork.

Maybe instead of jumping straight to the payment, look at the prereq stuff. Have they been to an info seminar, and what were their reactions? You say they want to be thinner, but maybe they don't want to be banded.

Can they pay for it? Or are you the only financial option?

[sfeiner 2]

How far are they from getting medicare? That and a supplemental plan like AARP will pay for them if they are 65. I personally wouldn'twant my kids topay for me. I would be a nervous wreck thinking I might fail.

[Chuckles 0]

This thing has been a lifesaver for me, and really I would not have considered it had the parents not been looking into it for themselves.

Fortunately for me, my insurance was much better and I fired on through the process. It's been 8 months, and they're still working though the diet and support groups and all that.

I do have enough in the 401K to take a medical withdrawal and pay for both of their surgeries, but it would be a big hit. However, I'd rather spend the money and keep them around an extra 10-20 years.

The only part holding me back is that I'm not sure how serious they really are about this. They SAY they want to be thinner, but there's still all sorts of snack foods and junk around their house. Mom's diabetic and still eats everything she shouldn't.

Y'all who have been there know that this struggle is at least as much mental as physical, and it's not easy. Self-sabotage happens, I still fight that myself. I'd hate to spend the money, put them through the risk of surgery (they're both in poor health), have them struggle with all the banding issues, and STILL not lose the weight because they chug down ice cream or something.

On the other hand, if I don't pay for it, it may be another year or more before they get the green light from the insurance company, if ever they do. I don't want to be looking at a 401K balance and missing my dad.

Thoughts?

Hey Manatee,

Wow, you are a great son to even consider doing this for them! Truly what a great gift. My thought was what about going ahead and paying for one of them to get started and get banded, maybe this then would motivate the other one??? Like if your dad has been more committed so far, get him started and banded. At that point there would be a need to remove the Snacks from the house and so forth. It could end up being hard to have to choose just one of them over the other, but my basis for my decision would be which ever parent seems more serious and committed. Manatee, those are just my thoughts. Hope it helps.