First off I want to apologize if I offended anyone. Also please read all the way thru before condeming me.

I am having a bit of a time getting something out of my head. I have a problem with seeing fat people in public and thinking to myself negatively regarding that person-even avoiding them. You know-looking at that person with sort of a disgusted look on my face-wispering to myself what happended to them,how could they not care. These thoughts coming from a 430ish pound guy-probably looking worse off then the person I just saw. Does anyone else have or previously had this same thoughts?

I am not sure what is the cause of this but after some thought I came up with a few ideas. The first one is that society in general forsters this kind of thinking and it is socially accepted to "make fun" of an obese person. Secondly, my weight got put on me quickly with my thyroid quiting suddenly-leaving me with a mental body image quite different from reality. I sort of knew I had gained weight but always thought I looked better then I really did-sort of a glory picture in my head of days long ago. Then as time went on I noticed my weight in different body parts-my face,my belly and finally my first overall body viewing in a full length mirror. I was an obese man--I weighed it, I looked it, I felt it!! Then a sort of depression set in-only punctuated by periods of time of intense effort to fruitlessly loose some pounds only to regain it back.

I am a very caring guy- I stop and pick up hitchhikers, pull cars of people back onto the road that ran off of snowbound roads, hold doors open for people going into a store after me, spend as much time as I can with my kids playing games with them-yet I cannot understand my "hatred" of obese people!

Perhaps I cannot come to grips with the fact that I am one of "them" and despise what I let happen to myself. How could I let myself "go" and not care about how I looked for so many years? How could I bury my head for so long till I opened my eyes and am now such a socially disdained person. Could my slow social evolution from being semi-social to being isolated to being avoided be caused by my weight gain? Could my hatred of so-called friends that are now no longer around now that I am obese be fuelling my own dislike of obese persons?

Never being a popular person has me,at least that's what I think, of being more than aware of my "social" standing-perhaps paying more than the usual attention to it or to the lack of it as the case may be thru my life. Sort of always wanting more of something that I never really had. Now I am at the total bottom of the social ladder and my sense of competition has taken a huge blow. Has my years of thinking I am better than many around me taken its toll and I have become prideful in my own little way? Am I afraid to eat some humble pie and accept myself as others view me.

Just a few days ago- I was checking into a motel for the night- I noticed that they were remodeling and the new rooms looked very nice. I saw some people going in to the new rooms earlier so I asked the clerk if I could get a remodeled room. She told me that they are very picky who they rent the "new" rooms to and that I couldn't have one. I was amazed- my first recollection of discrimination based on weight. This hit me like a ton of bricks. You see I had always been raised at the middle to higher middle range of the socio-economic scale and always treated people nice and was treated in kind back. Now because of my weight I was no longer middle class but something lower-sort of a lesser human. And now this is my problem- I was a lesser human because of the choices I made for myself-not because of who I was born to or some life tragedy. I made bad choices- in what I ate, in how much I ate and in what I did or did not do for excercise. I made myself this lesser human and now I cannot seem to do anything on my own to get myself back.

Am I alone in my thoughts? Has anyone else has similar thoughts or feelings?

As I work on rooting out this negativity, I appreciate you comments and ideas.

T

Another thought from me,

I think I may have not clearly articulated part of my point. I am not only talking about people who are overweight when I say it is wrong to judge people based on appearance. Making snap judgements about the quality of an individual based on something as superficial as appearances is wrong. Why judge at all, and for what purpose, be secure as yourself and give the respect to others that you would want for yourself. We all have our biases and prejudices and we need to try and fight our way around them. To dislike, revile or hate someone based on appearance is wrong. The degree to which you feel these emotions is not important. I understand when you say that it is hard to overcome biases that have been learned from an early age but it is incumbent upon us to become better people and we do this by making those personal changes that make us better.

When I see an idividual who looks different or catches my eye for some reason I remind myself that I know nothing about that person. How could I even begin to know who they are and what their life is like. It would be silly to assume that they are any better or worse than I. They are faces in the crowd and to judge them either positively or negatively would seem to be nothing more than folly. Every human deserves to be treated with respect, nothing less. I am not religious but I have two biblical quotes that best I try and live by.

1. Judge not so that ye be not judged

and the rule that guides me most

2. There but for the grace of God go I

My thoughts!

It's an interesting issue you've raised.

I think realistically, everyone judges on appearance to a certain extent, at least subconsciously.

Okay, I don't want people judging me, although, I know I judge other people, and a lot of the time, I'm not even aware of it.

This is a "Way Kool" thread. I have been following it from the beginning. The way each of us see's the world and everything around us, like men, women, money, sex, etc........... is quite different. We each see things, through our own eyes, and interprets it in our own mines. That mind is effected by the many things we have been through in our life's. NOW, that being said......... the fact that so many people see things differently, who's FAT, who's a SLOB, who looks good........... and so on. What some people would think ugly, fat, sloppy, is within there own mind, it's all relative. "One Man's Meat, is Another Man's Poison". What I think is, that the reason we are FAT (and I mean FAT to the point of being unhealthy) is because we are trying to comfort some past hurt, or abuse. If you look into every FAT person's past, I'll bet my bottom dollar that there is some hurt they are trying to comfort. The hurt may be large or small, there again it's a relative thing. You see, my hurt seem's larger and more important then everyone else's. But..... in reality we are hurt, and we are all trying to heal and deal the best we can. We should try to support and encourage each other to work through that past hurt, it's better then blow smoke up each other's "butt's". The last thing I want someone to say is: "Just put a smile on you face, and change you altitude, you are beautiful just the way you are,......... and so on. BULLS___T. I need a good dose of reality, " I AM FAT" and I am going to kill myself with food. I might not be ready to hear this, but that don't mean I don't say it. If I am your friend I will try to break your denial of you self-image. I am in total agreement with "CLEVERGRRLY", she has the right idea.

This thread is not about make-up, and looking good to the outside world. It's about why do I hate myself so much, I am trying to kill myself with FOOD. Ain't that the real point of the matter??? We are "EATING OURSELF'S TO DEATH". I heard one time someone say: "We are digging our own grave, a forkful at a Time". Now that struck me as right to the point. I am still wishing we would have a "FAT AWARENESS DAY". My own little day dream.

Butch

Maybe I need to clarify my earlier post. I have NEVER been rude or made a comment to a fellow fat person. I was just being honest about the thoughts that go through my head. I can empathize with the pain we all feel. I think most of my initial distain comes from distain for myself and how I look and I first recognize that when looking at others. I am not judging or saying that I am better than anyone else. My first thoughts are "oh, that poor person, how terrible to have to go through life that way" then I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and think "holy crap! That's me! I AM that fat person I just felt pity for."

Basically, we are all in this together and need to support each other and try to learn to love ourselves.

Peace.

I just found this thread. Admittedly I have not read all of it, but I've read enough to intrigue me. I think my perceptions are a little different, but that's because of my beliefs & the things that I have been exposed to. For anyone bothered to read this, keep in mind that I have over 10 years' worth of under- and post- graduate study in psychology and philosophy. By definition, I will see things differently because of that. I guess you're in for a little Angela 101!

I don't easily become emotionally invested in things that I cannot effect. And to a fault, I see both sides to just about every story, even if the situation involves me directly. This relates back to my emotional investment: not having any allows you to remain objective. To a fault, because sometimes people who trust my opinion come to me and want me to "take their side" - and I just don't do it, and that has caused some challenges in my relationships with people. Don't get me wrong, I certainly do have my passions, but most of my interactions & perceptions are based on understanding, not evaluating or valuing.

I have not been fat all of my life. I started getting chubby in early highschool. I was fat but not FAT when I graduated highschool. Thinned down a little when I started college. Ballooned up during my last 2 years of undergrad. I have experienced first-hand the way that people's treatment of you shifts based on your outward appearance. And, likewise, I have seen the shift in my self-esteem, and have seen my self-esteem lessen to the point where I begin to believe, "Why should I bother with make-up? It's certainly beyond helping me at this point." And I have seen my self-esteem lessen as I've had to step out of the clothing I *like*, and step into the clothing that *fits*.

When I see a fat person, I see a person. Yeah, there's more of that person, but it doesn't matter. Obviously they're different, but that only means as much as you let it mean, and to me - it doesn't mean anything. Why would it? What business of mine is it? It's like seeing a person who is not caucasian. I don't buy into the "we're all one color" crap. Of course we're not all one color. But it doesn't matter.

I do advocate greatly for human rights, and there's a good chance I would become emotionally invested if I saw a wrong being enacted against an obese (or any other) person, but just to see someone on the street -- it's just another person. But if I'm going to judge someone, it's much much more likely to happen as a result of their actions than of their appearance. In the most extreme cases I might react to evaluate what is happening. For example, when people-watching, if I see a MO person, I think, "I wonder what has happened in their lives that led to this? I wonder what they're trying to protect themselves from? I wonder what they think when they look in the mirror? I wonder what their life has been like?" And I often know the answers to those questions, or at least have a really good guess, but I would never ever use that to judge someone's worth, because who am I?

The mere fact that someone could use such as a strong word as "hate", and especially apply it to themselves, reveals so much. People know what's up. People know their reasons for things. When you go to a psychologist, they don't teach you anything. They may help you feel more prepared to really see it, but they aren't telling you anything you don't know.

Hi Kryssa, don't forget the first part of my post - "I have over 10 years' worth of under- and post- graduate study in psychology..." I wasn't intending to say the answer to these questions are based in vanity - I hope I wasn't taken that way!!!

My point was - those questions are my inital reaction to seeing someone because my nature it to evaluate the situation. It doesn't take much to know the answers to those questions... psychologists don't have magical powers or crystal balls, they just have insight to how people work. People know why they do what they do, even if they can't see the connection yet, the knowledge is still there.

Sorry if I offended in any way.

FuelMan -- Thanks!

Fuel Man I don't agree with this statement

But..... in reality we are hurt, and we are all trying to heal and deal the best we can.

This may very well be the case for some and it may very well be the case for most but it is not the case for all. My weight problem is not rooted in some painfull episode in my life. I am a person of great extremes and tend to do everything to the limit. There have been studies done that show that overweight poeple have different physiologies. It is also felt by many that genetics is a contributor. The reasons for obesity are as varied as the people who suffer from it. Each individual must discover what works for them. It is apparrent that you have found what works for you, congratulations. But I still disagree

Cheers

I hear what your say'in Tommy, but food is a comfort thing, and eatting brings that comfort, no matter what the cost. being fat can be a gene-O thing, but eating to where you are 100+ lbs overweight is more then genes or just eating a little too much. It's not genes that cause us to eat ourself's into a grave, or into a wheelchair, it's self hate and low self essteam. I can understand that there might be a few out there that might not fit this, but........... let's be real, eatting like we are going to the chair ain't no way, no how normal.

Butch

Butch, there was a study done a number of years ago in a prison (This study would be illegal today), they increased the calorie intake of the inmates. All inmates began to put on weight in the begining but most stopped and some actually lost some of the weight back over time. Their metabolic rate, it seems adjusted to the increase. A small percenatge began to put on weight but this group did not stop, their bodies just kept on storing fat. For this group obesity was the result whereas the other group did not become obese. It is based on this study that I feel strongly that it is improper to judge obese individuals. On the same note I get frustrated with skinny people who take credit for their shape.

It is also based on this information that I chose the band. If I did not beleive this I would have chosen bypass, my rational being that the band regulates intake. If I am choosing to eat myself to death I can easily do it on the band. We all know how to eat around the band, I have not had a shut off valve for most of my life but now I do.

Yes food is a comfort thing but some people feel comfort quickly. for me it could take all night. I was not looking for comfort because of some deep pain but because we all search for comfort. Today is my 47th birthday and I found comfort in a night with my family, We did have a meal but I had to stop because my band made me. My wife and I just got out of the hot tub and the kids are watching a movie, yes I am feeling comfort, it's been a great day.

Cheers

Happy Birthday, TommyO.

Thank you C grrly

First of all, I hate the "fat" word. In my house "fat" is the "F" word. I can't stand it when they use the "F" word in children's movies. All of my life I have been overweight. After reading most of these posts I would like to comment that so many people believe that "fat" people are that way because they made themselves that way. Yes, I do understand that overweight ppl should make better food choices, but I believe that some ppl like myself were born with very slow metabolisms (as I was told by my Physician at a very young age) and no matter what you do (unless you make yourself a slave to a thousand calorie diet and exercise nearly every day of your life) you are going to be overweight, with the exception of course of surgery, if that works for you (for me it hasn't yet). But, back on subject, I agree that when I do feel, like, disgusted looking at other overweight ppl it's usually because of the way they carry themselves. It's true what some ppl wrote on their posts that it's because I don't ever want to carry myself like that. (it's a reflection of what I don't want to be) I never would have thought that anyone else overweight would have felt the same way as me on this issue.---------->p.s. what year is this?? oh well, can't blame myself for trying.

Edited October 14, 200817 yr by heatherlynnTX
figured out this post is from years back

Thought this was very interesting. What do you think?

I thought this was interesting. What do you think?