First off I want to apologize if I offended anyone. Also please read all the way thru before condeming me.

I am having a bit of a time getting something out of my head. I have a problem with seeing fat people in public and thinking to myself negatively regarding that person-even avoiding them. You know-looking at that person with sort of a disgusted look on my face-wispering to myself what happended to them,how could they not care. These thoughts coming from a 430ish pound guy-probably looking worse off then the person I just saw. Does anyone else have or previously had this same thoughts?

I am not sure what is the cause of this but after some thought I came up with a few ideas. The first one is that society in general forsters this kind of thinking and it is socially accepted to "make fun" of an obese person. Secondly, my weight got put on me quickly with my thyroid quiting suddenly-leaving me with a mental body image quite different from reality. I sort of knew I had gained weight but always thought I looked better then I really did-sort of a glory picture in my head of days long ago. Then as time went on I noticed my weight in different body parts-my face,my belly and finally my first overall body viewing in a full length mirror. I was an obese man--I weighed it, I looked it, I felt it!! Then a sort of depression set in-only punctuated by periods of time of intense effort to fruitlessly loose some pounds only to regain it back.

I am a very caring guy- I stop and pick up hitchhikers, pull cars of people back onto the road that ran off of snowbound roads, hold doors open for people going into a store after me, spend as much time as I can with my kids playing games with them-yet I cannot understand my "hatred" of obese people!

Perhaps I cannot come to grips with the fact that I am one of "them" and despise what I let happen to myself. How could I let myself "go" and not care about how I looked for so many years? How could I bury my head for so long till I opened my eyes and am now such a socially disdained person. Could my slow social evolution from being semi-social to being isolated to being avoided be caused by my weight gain? Could my hatred of so-called friends that are now no longer around now that I am obese be fuelling my own dislike of obese persons?

Never being a popular person has me,at least that's what I think, of being more than aware of my "social" standing-perhaps paying more than the usual attention to it or to the lack of it as the case may be thru my life. Sort of always wanting more of something that I never really had. Now I am at the total bottom of the social ladder and my sense of competition has taken a huge blow. Has my years of thinking I am better than many around me taken its toll and I have become prideful in my own little way? Am I afraid to eat some humble pie and accept myself as others view me.

Just a few days ago- I was checking into a motel for the night- I noticed that they were remodeling and the new rooms looked very nice. I saw some people going in to the new rooms earlier so I asked the clerk if I could get a remodeled room. She told me that they are very picky who they rent the "new" rooms to and that I couldn't have one. I was amazed- my first recollection of discrimination based on weight. This hit me like a ton of bricks. You see I had always been raised at the middle to higher middle range of the socio-economic scale and always treated people nice and was treated in kind back. Now because of my weight I was no longer middle class but something lower-sort of a lesser human. And now this is my problem- I was a lesser human because of the choices I made for myself-not because of who I was born to or some life tragedy. I made bad choices- in what I ate, in how much I ate and in what I did or did not do for excercise. I made myself this lesser human and now I cannot seem to do anything on my own to get myself back.

Am I alone in my thoughts? Has anyone else has similar thoughts or feelings?

As I work on rooting out this negativity, I appreciate you comments and ideas.

T

You are NOT alone in your thoughts, even if it's just you and me, Tony, which I doubt. I need time to ponder and respond...I'm here with you...

T-

I always thought I hated fat people too. Then I got the lapband and I realized that I hated that I might just look/act/move like them. It wasn't about the other people at all...it was about how I felt about myself.

I used to use other people as my measuring stick of how I looked. I think I have some body dysmorphic issues and I can never quite grasp my size. I turned a "I don't look like that person, do I" thought into a "I don't look like that fatso, do I?" over time.

Now that I'm banded, I have much more compassion for other obese people. I know their struggle. I feel their pain. I couldn't feel their pain before because I didn't have anything left over after feeling my own.

You're not a bad person for feeling this way. We can't help the way we feel. Now that you know you have those thoughts, try to turn them into a compassionate thought. You may soon find that you are more compassionate with yourself, as well.

Megan

Very well said, Megan. I totally agree and yes, I have had these same thoughts and issues also, T. I think we see in others that which we hate within ourselves. Don't you?

When my son was 5 years old, he came into our apartment just crying his little eyes out and was absolutely broken hearted and inconsolable for a while. He crawled up into my ample lap I let him cry, cooing to him and stroking his hair and back. Finally he was able to settle down and I as able to find out what was wrong. He was upset and crying because he had just come to a realization. His little friend “Katie would never have a fat mamma.” He and his friend Nick got to have fat mammas, and he didn’t think it was fair that Katie wouldn’t get to have one. He wanted to know if maybe I could be Katie’s mamma too, and then she could have one. (Katie’s mamma was bulimic.)

My mother has been in the upper 200 pound range my entire life. My father was always in that same range until the end of his life, and both of his sisters are MO as well. I have a couple of pictures of one of his grandmothers, and yup, you guessed it, MO as well. Two of my mother’s aunts were MO as well. So you see, to me, it is “normal” to be MO.

I have to admit that I am shallow. When I realized that I was falling in love with my now husband, I was horrified. He weighed 450 pounds! Ack! Here was a man who had almost all the qualities I was attracted to, smart, funny, kind, insightful, generous, silly and sweet. All those wonderful qualities, and he weighed 450 pound! I was horrified, I tell you. What would people think? Sex would never work! I spoke at length with my girlfriends and our mutual friends, and eventually I got over myself.

I’m oblivious to a lot of things that go on around me. Part of the benefit of growing up blind I guess. (My first eye exam for kindergarten said I needed glasses, but I didn’t get them until I was 15. Wolves don’t understand the concept of poor eyesight or glasses.) Most of the time I know I am fabulous and act accordingly. But most of the time I know you’re fabulous too, and act accordingly.

About 15 years ago we were at a Water park and I saw the most amazing woman. She was wearing a black and white polka dot bikini. She was about 5’10 and she weighed well over 300 pounds. And here she is in an honest-to-god polka dot bikini. I wish I had half the poise and confidence she had. There were lots of people who were being unkind, but she and her family didn’t care.

Until recently, I’ve never personally felt the stigma of being MO. Sure, when I was with Mike, especially at his heaviest, I certainly felt it—getting the crappiest table in a restaurant after being made to wait longer than anyone else, watching the expression people when they look at him. Little children are fascinated by him of course. (One little boy wanted to know if he was pregnant.) Until I moved to ID I don’t recall having ever directly experienced discrimination based on my size. It only seems to be women that I’m offending, especially on airplanes. The first time it happened I just figured that she was having an off day. But the next flight I was on to Pocatello, the woman I sat next to seemed personally offended that she had to sit next to me. After a few of these experiences I realized that it was probably my size that was offending them.

I certainly don’t hate fat people, but then I don’t hate anybody except maybe bigots. Even then, it isn’t hatred, but a frustration with their attitudes and belief system.

First off let me say that I am no psychologist.

But something in your post reminded of an exercise that I did at a seminar one time.

We were instructed to think of someone that we absolutely COULD NOT stand working with. We were told to write down the three characteristics that we despised most about them.

And then the instructor told us that those were the three things that we were most ashamed of in ourselves.

Weird, huh? This same thing could apply to why you feel that way about "fat people."

And for the record, I'm the same way. I subconsciencely view it as a weakness in the other person. Soon to banded, and armed with more information, I find myself being more compassionate.

Good Luck!

Big T-,

I have had such similar thoughts myself. Just yesterday I was at the dog park & this little dog about 15 pds ran into the back of my legs & I began to fall backwards. The gal next to me tried desperately to hold up my 245 pd body but down I went & hard. My biggest fear was I am going to kill this little dog from smooching him. I thank God I didn't & got up, with the help of 2 people & walked around the park for a bit. I told the people I was walking with, my first thought was "I was going to kill the dog"-really like in a joking manner. To my surprise some of them where saying-most definetly that I might have & that it must be so hard for me getting up & down. I thought they must be kidding. They were talking horrible things about some fat person! Thats not what I was. Of course it is what I am & have been for a couple years now. Like you I still feel like the skinner person I once was decads ago. Sometimes I think its God's little security blanket for me. At least I feel better inside than I look outside. Anyway-Your not alone;0)

You might want to rent and watch the movie, Shallow Hal with Gwyneth Paltrow and Jack Black. It's a comedy, but it also shows some insight to our perceptions of others.

This thread is amazing. I applaud all of you for your honesty. I honestly have never looked at an obese person with disgust, because I was once obese, and I absolutely hated the body I was in. I still think of myself as an obese person in a thin person's body-I will never forget where I came from.

My mom is obese and has always felt that we (her children) were ashamed of her. I was never ashamed of her, just felt bad for her. She was/is a wonderful person, very loving and very much loved by everyone who knows her.

Sometimes I meet people who don't know I have a band and the conversation turns to overweight people-I had this conversation yesterday with a salesman at an auto dealership. I told him that I worked for a weight loss surgeon, and that I transported people to and from the airport, and I was shopping for a car that could accomodate large people, a car that wasn't too high, or wasn't too low, and was roomy. Instead of being helpful, the first words that came out of his mouth were, "I don't know how people let themselves get that way." It never ceases to amaze me how ignorant people can be. I explained that I was once obese and about the surgery etc..You could tell he was sorry that he ever said anything, and he was pretty uncomfortable after that.

Diane

I understand where you are coming from though mine is possibly a "worse" spot... I see fat people and feel sorry for them. I want to hug them. Because I am one, always have been one and until the band, thought I always would be.

I know the shame I feel, the self disgust, the "I am a thin person stuck in a fat body"... and I assume they feel it too and it makes me sad for them and then even more sad for me as I realize I am feeling sorry for myself too. Though now I have hope....

One thing I have to consciously decide NOT to do is run up to every fat person and tell them about this band... I want to share with them because I think they of all people will understand and maybe find some hope for themselves. But then I realize - if someone had done that to me preband it would have reinforced the shame and self loathing.... I would have been mortified.

So... niether of us have very "helpful" feelings for the fat people out there but they are helpful to us as we acknowledge them and work through them. I applaud you for being able to recognize it and want to look at it on a deeper level.

Your post is very thoughtful and you've gotten some thoughtful responses. And I do think you've answered most of your own questions. Now the task becomes to examine those feelings and figure out how to change them. I would start with building up your own opinion of yourself, fat or thin. I am sure your contempt for fat people comes from your low opinion of yourself. Right? You've got the tools to do this because you are an introspective person who is not afraid to share the negative parts of himself. And you can start with appreciating that part of yourself. I do.

When I see super-morbidly obese people, I just feel compassion. But when I see ordinary morbidly obese people, I feel an unattractive self-rightousness. I feel that I'm better than them because I took action to help myself. I really want to work on this attitude, because in reality they are my brothers and sisters and if we could only speak to each other, we could almost tell each other's stories.

Nancy

Wow I 'm not sure where to begin ,there has been so much posted already. I have always been fat. I was the fat kid in the 4th grade that acually told a boy I liked him,and of course I got the responce Yuck your fat,I think your gross!Then I got bruises from trying to fit in the rides at the amusment park ~My own brother even told me so many times that I can't keep track YOUR FAT~The list goes on and on for the remarks I have heard and had to deal with.

I always feel really bad when I see people that are fat.I have compassion for them and I grieve that there isn't anything I can do to help them or myself. I think if I could just lose this weight and stop being a failure people wouldn't look at me the way they look at fat people because I wouldn't be fat anymore .

I saw a lady at the park this past summer and I thought oh my God I thought I was in bad shape. Her stomach hung almost to her knees and she could hardly walk. But it was followed by the thought my goodness how hard life must be for her. How does she even get out of bed in the mornings. I thought and just look at her WALKING AT THE PARK. She inspired me because she was trying to excersice and there I sat eating a Peanut Butter and jelly sandwich feeling like I had no excuse why I shouldn't be exersicing . when I see someone fat it always makes me want to do better cause I don't want to look like they do but I never look at my self anyless fat than I am. I know I am fat and finally my band will help do something about it. These thoughts I had were still steriotyping fat people!

I can remember not to long ago,my 5 year old daughter saw a lady in a resteraunt that was also in a wheel chair that was huge. She looked right over at the lady and said mommy why is that lady as big as a balloon? I was mortified. The lady looked at me and said its okay she's to little to understand. I told the lady I was very sorry and I made my daughter apologize and I said she will understand . I explained to my daughter that peolpe come in all shapes and sizes and that somepeople even had health problems because of their weight. This story just goes to show that no matter how young you are everyone has steriotyped someone at some time.

Lets all try to be more positive towards other people and not look down on them for RACE~WEIGHT~ IQ~RELIGION...everyone has good qualities. LETS LOOK AT PEOPLE ON THE INSIDE! THATS WHAT COUNTS! It is always easier to find fault or blame someone else than it is to find fault and blame our selves.

My problem is not with fat people but with how people eat.

Owning a restaurant and seeing people eat everyday I find myself staring at them and how they eat..the size of bites and how little they chew their food and how quickly they take their next bite...

I am the worst when eating with my family at the dinner tableIam very critical of my husband and kids watching htem chew and their bite size . Some of the bite sizes I see people take, I think to myself I would die if I took a bite that big.

I know before my band I used to eat just like all of them but now it is appauling to me to see how people shovel food in their mouths

Tony,

I do understand where you are coming from. A couple of days ago, I was at Marble Slab Creamery with my 9 year old. This very obese woman was having trouble to pick out what kind of icecream cone she wanted. After 5 minutes of sampling pretty much everything in the store, she offered to let my son and I go before her cause we knew what we wanted. They have a sugar free fat free chocolate yogurt that has about 100 calories for a 5 oz serving. This was a treat for my son and I after I finished an hour workout at the gym. My son who has a weight problem (post meds for anxiety) wanted to have marshmellows on top. I told him no because marshmellows have lots of calories and its ok to have a treat but he doesnt need to eat the marshmellows as well. The obese lady was listening to our conversation, but I think subconciously I was directing this conversation her way too. I was a little angry at her because even at my highest weight, I dont recall ever going to an icecream shop and ordering the largest waffle cone with about 16 oz of icecream, so I guess I couldnt understand why she couldnt see the joy in just having a small portion. IN the end, she ordered two very large cones and walked out and I felt bad cause the only way I got morbidly obese was because I ate too much so I shouldnt be so harsh to judge her the way I did. But honestly, I just couldnt help it. I was torn between wanting to help her and shaking her so she could see the light! It was a confusing moment for me, but its clear that I have a lot of mental work to do on this front. I still see obesity as a sign of weakness despite my intellectual side knowing better. I need to examine these feelings a little more......

Babs in TX

334/184/170

-150

Tony, thanks for starting this thread. The provocative title certainly got our attention!

I second what Nancy (Claraluz) said. Honest self-reflection is invaluable. This attitude should serve you well if you decide to get banded.

Count me as another fat bandster who's suddenly judging other obese people. Sometimes I feel like I'm turning into the Church Lady character from the old Saturday Night Live -- you know, the one with the "Superior Dance." I've always hated this trait in other people, and now it's coming forth in me, big time (no pun intended), whether I'm eyeballing the huge portions co-workers serve themselves at a company potluck, watching someone at a restaurant table near mine wolf down a meal in record time, or sniffing as a morbidly obese person without special plates pulls into a handicapped parking space to avoid walking a few extra feet. I don't remember being so judgmental when I was at my heaviest.

My parents once had the pleasure of meeting Joan Crawford in the 1960s. The story is now family legend: she asked my father for a cigarette; he told her that he had quit. Her reply: "Nothing worse than a reformed whore." Maybe this applies to reformed (i.e., banded) fat people too. Of course, Tony, you're not reformed yet!

I can't indulge in pop psychologizing about our hatred of, discomfort with, or contempt for, other fat people. We've all heard about projection, etc.; I'll leave that to the professionals. Meanwhile, thank you Tony for addressing an uncomfortable subject.

This is a brilliant thread, and I don't have much to add. My experience as a lifelong fat person has steered me away from other fat people. I lived in Manhattan most of my life and there just aren't that many fat people there. Once my father returned from a trip to Queens and went on a rant about how HUGE everyone out there was--he seemed to look at big fat strangers with real contempt. Charming. (Think I'm still carrying some of that around with me?)

So I've always, ALWAYS been the biggest person in the room. I vividly recall meeting a work colleague with whom I'd only had a phone relationship and being thrilled that she too was morbidly obese, only to find out that she was about to undergo RNY surgery. I'd be losing my only compatriot.

Now that I'm banded, and living in the suburbs, I've had to face up to my reactions. I still find myself wondering if I'm the largest person in the room--am I bigger than that person? Or that one? Much of the time now the answer is no.

I don't hate fat people--I try consciously not to see their size. Because that's how I always wanted to be treated and it's the least I can do. The people I do feel sorry for are the kids, though. When I see really chubby 7-year-olds in my daughter's swim class my heart just breaks.