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I want to find love but my mind and body is holding me back



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Ok here it comes! I am going to pour my heart to you and I truly hope this forum can help me out.

So, I am 27 years old, live in Europe, have a decent education, have my own studio apartment, car, some savings, good sence of humor, I am still studying to become a Vet.

In my teenage years I was a strong athlete, fit. Then I got injured and never fully returned to sports, but recovered. As the years gone by I have focused on my studies, graduated as bachelor of Law, did not feel as if it was the right path for me so got in to Veterinary School. I am very happy with that decision and career wise completely satisfied. My problem was always relationships. Even when I was quite fit I only had one boyfriend for shorter time loved him, but after sime time he broke my heart. Experimented with a girl, nothing too serious and the I got overweight, then obessed, not morbidly but obessed never the less. I strained from dating because I was ugly, have never put myself into possition to date, hid, ran from relationships like from fire.

I had my surgery half a year ago, and little by little I gotten into a better shape, no where near perfection or my goal, but I look decent. I have not told anyone apart from my family that I had RNY and I am not planning too. Which I know will be a problem in my future relationships too. I think about dating but I am terrified! So scared. Firstly, I am not experienced, and shy when it comes to that, I don’t trust guys, always think they will make fun. Secondly, I am scared of people seeing my body, I have loose skin, loads of stretchmarks and still fat on my belly, and my chest is deflated and crepey crikly. I just want to cry every single time I think how unatractive it must be, and that no man would actually want to touch this blahhhh body. I started to excercise but of course it is not making a change that would impact the skin that much I just feel a bit stronger.

I feel like I have told my self that I will be happy I just need to lose some weight, now that I’ve lost 35 kg I am sad , because I realised I am not skinny nor at my goal, and the skin problem is still keeping me from wanting to date.

All of my friends tell me to get Tinder etc. but I just panick that I would disappoint the guy when it would come to sex and stuff. As they see me dressed I seem quite ok, but imagine the disgust when undressed. I do love myself but I am disgusted by the thought that a man should see ir touch such body. Everyone just assume that I get loads of attention etc because my personality is fun and bubbly, but truly I am lost. I want to be loved and I know I could love someone like no one else. I know I am the most loyal and giving person, and once I have my eyes on a person I don’t need no one else. But I am afraid that no one would have eyes for me.

I know that with time I could get some plastic surgery to lift or tuck. But I feel like this would be just another excuse for me, to “just wait until .... and then you can find your love” type of thing. I am not getting younger too, I don’t have loads of time to meet new people because I work a lot. I don’t even know what I want people to advise me on, but please do ❤️

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a lot of people find that plastic surgery does wonders for their self esteem, which sounds like an issue for you. I didn't have the same experience you're having since I'm 60 years old and have been married for 100 years, but because of it (i.e., my marital status and (mostly) my age), I himmed and hawed about having plastic surgery and am now SO GLAD I did. Day and night difference!

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I understand where you are coming from and I hope some of this helps.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!! Have you looked at yourself in a positive way because it doesn’t matter if you weigh 130 or 350 lbs. Being comfortable with yourself comes from the inside. Sometimes we need to forgive ourselves when we are in a place that we didn’t want to be in. A therapist may help also. Love will find a way to you but first try to love yourself. Make a list of all the good traits you have. keep the list and keep adding more and more good things as days pass, repeat them to yourself when you are feeling blue.

I send you good luck and lots of love your way ❤️

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Ruth, work on your self esteem and take some chances. It does not get easier as you get older.

After 7 years of marriage, my ex broke my heart. I was still in my 20s, but my self esteem was in the pits. I was only about 150 pounds and I thought I was a giant. I would look at my body, without cellulite or stretch marks and wonder why someone would want to be with me. I just felt ugly. Even when men would tell me I was pretty.... I was worried how they would feel when they saw me naked and saw how big my thighs were. What if they found out I had some acne on my back! I was freaked out over one or two zits!

I never, ever looked that good again and my weight only went up and up and up. As I got older, no one was chasing me! I pushed away the ones that showed interest.

If I could go back in time, I would find a therapist and work on building my self esteem. I would say "yes" to invitations and allow the men to decide if they found me attractive instead of making the decision for them. So my advice to you is to take a chance, be up front if you need to. If someone asks you out, just go. And if you can afford it, go see a therapist. It can really, really help.

Good luck, and do save for plastic surgery. I had a breast lift after my first big loss and, after 15 years, they still look great! Even skinny women can have cellulite and stretch marks, by the way.

Love yourself! Good luck with the weight loss journey.

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On 07/19/2019 at 01:13, ValerieInMexico said:



Ruth, work on your self esteem and take some chances. It does not get easier as you get older.




After 7 years of marriage, my ex broke my heart. I was still in my 20s, but my self esteem was in the pits. I was only about 150 pounds and I thought I was a giant. I would look at my body, without cellulite or stretch marks and wonder why someone would want to be with me. I just felt ugly. Even when men would tell me I was pretty.... I was worried how they would feel when they saw me naked and saw how big my thighs were. What if they found out I had some acne on my back! I was freaked out over one or two zits!




I never, ever looked that good again and my weight only went up and up and up. As I got older, no one was chasing me! I pushed away the ones that showed interest.




If I could go back in time, I would find a therapist and work on building my self esteem. I would say "yes" to invitations and allow the men to decide if they found me attractive instead of making the decision for them. So my advice to you is to take a chance, be up front if you need to. If someone asks you out, just go. And if you can afford it, go see a therapist. It can really, really help.




Good luck, and do save for plastic surgery. I had a breast lift after my first big loss and, after 15 years, they still look great! Even skinny women can have cellulite and stretch marks, by the way.




Love yourself! Good luck with the weight loss journey.


Thank you!

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I myself have been him and hawing about getting some work done. I just struggle with the process and putting my body through something elective just to look a certain way. my health and new lifestyle is super important and I don't know how I would feel if I was one of those cases where it didn't go well.......

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Honestly as a guy I am seriously thinking of plastics. Actually I have a GoFundMe page going on right now for what I’m missing (link below).

the confidence I think will go through the roof but don’t mind the opinion of idiots. You are a hot, beautiful woman no matter what :)

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