Need Advice for My Family

[🅺🅸🅼🅼🅸🅴🅺 296]

My mom is deathly afraid of me having bypass. She doesn't nag me or preach to me, but some comments she makes give me the impression that she's freaking out on the inside. Thanks to this forum and other sources I'm loaded with knowledge, more than I can share with her in one sitting or in terms she can grasp. That knowledge has alleviated my fear of the surgery and the life after. How I can help my mom understand that this surgery is not going to make me wither away and die?

Edited January 9, 2019 by Kimmie K

[looly 361]

Why not direct your mum to this site, so she can see how many people are well after the surgery and how they have benefitted?

[FLHappyGirl 171]

Knowledge is key, for the patient as well as support people. Can she access this website? It might prove beneficial for her to see so many people doing well. It also might help with what to expect during the different phases you go through. Would you be comfortable having her join you at some of your pre-op appointments? Just some thoughts....

[🅺🅸🅼🅼🅸🅴🅺 296]

2 minutes ago, looly said:

Why not direct your mum to this site, so she can see how many people are well after the surgery and how they have benefitted?

Partly because I think it'll overload her. She doesn't handle mass quantities of information well OR she'll come on here, focus on the negative and start really freaking out on me.

[🅺🅸🅼🅼🅸🅴🅺 296]

1 minute ago, FLHappyGirl said:

Knowledge is key, for the patient as well as support people. Can she access this website? It might prove beneficial for her to see so many people doing well. It also might help with what to expect during the different phases you go through. Would you be comfortable having her join you at some of your pre-op appointments? Just some thoughts....

I could probably bring her along to the appointments. That's a good idea. She can grill the doctor instead of me LOL

[James Marusek 5,244]

When I had my surgery, my mother was the only person who was dead set against the surgery. But when I looked through her eyes - this is what she saw:

I was her primary care giver. If something happened to me, then she would lose this support. She would be all alone. She did not want the risk that I might not make it through the surgery.

I tried to explain to her that the surgery would let me live a longer life. It was also fairly safe surgery. But she didn't really accept this explanation.

[Frustr8 7,886]

Yeah, we never get too old for learning experiences, look at all the things I am learning that I didn't think I wanted to know. It might actually lay some of her fears to rest if she sees nobody is out to hurt her baby. No matter YOU think you are, inside you will always remain HER BABY, she just needs to get settled in her mind BABY ISN'T GETTING HARMED! She must be a wonderful oerson, look at the nice daughter she has!👸👍👵

[🅺🅸🅼🅼🅸🅴🅺 296]

9 minutes ago, James Marusek said:

When I had my surgery, my mother was the only person who was dead set against the surgery. But when I looked through her eyes - this is what she saw:

I was her primary care giver. If something happened to me, then she would lose this support. She would be all alone. She did not want the risk that I might not make it through the surgery.

I tried to explain to her that the surgery would let me live a longer life. It was also fairly safe surgery. But she didn't really accept this explanation.

Yes! This makes complete sense. I'm the oldest and currently the only one able to help my parents financially when they need it. I have 2 other siblings that can help them with other non-financial things. One thing is for sure, if I do die accidentally, my folks will be set because they're the beneficiaries of my life insurance. To be honest, I'm worth more dead than alive! LOL Aside material things, I know she doesn't want her child in danger and she knows she can't protect me from anything that can go wrong. She also knows I'm not changing my mind on having the surgery. It's partly a control thing. If I were in her shoes, I'm sure I'd feel the same way. Best thing for her is to learn more about what going to happen so it's up to me to help educate her in some way she can understand.

Edited January 9, 2019 by Kimmie K

[🅺🅸🅼🅼🅸🅴🅺 296]

2 minutes ago, Frustr8 said:

Yeah, we never get too old for learning experiences, look at all the things I am learning that I didn't think I wanted to know. It might actually lay some of her fears to rest if she sees nobody is out to hurt her baby. No matter YOU think you are, inside you will always remain HER BABY, she just needs to get settled in her mind BABY ISN'T GETTING HARMED! She must be a wonderful oerson, look at the nice daughter she has!👸👍👵

Awww you're too sweet! You actually took the words right out of my fingertips LOL

[notmyname 591]

A lot depends on her reason for concern. With my brother/SIL, I talked to them about the research about the likelihood of someone my weight losing and keeping it off, the mortality rate for someone my weight staying so heavy, the success rate of surgery, and the (low) complication rate of surgery. That helped them feel better.

[SteveT74 359]

Well, these surgeries all sound scary since you're making pretty significant changes to your anatomy. At the same time, you're making changes to your anatomy if you needed surgery to have your gallbladder removed. Your mom is going to worry about any procedure you have--because that's what mom's do. However, the risk is the same as a gallbladder operation. These procedures are routine. My surgeon did 4 sleeves and two bypasses on the day he did my surgery. The mortality rate is close to zero and the complication rate is really low. Sure, there are some horror stories out there, but they are rare exceptions. I think it's a good idea for your mom to go with you to visit the doctor and ask question. That will hopefully put her mind at ease.

[🅺🅸🅼🅼🅸🅴🅺 296]

3 minutes ago, SteveT74 said:

Well, these surgeries all sound scary since you're making pretty significant changes to your anatomy. At the same time, you're making changes to your anatomy if you needed surgery to have your gallbladder removed. Your mom is going to worry about any procedure you have--because that's what mom's do. However, the risk is the same as a gallbladder operation. These procedures are routine. My surgeon did 4 sleeves and two bypasses on the day he did my surgery. The mortality rate is close to zero and the complication rate is really low. Sure, there are some horror stories out there, but they are rare exceptions. I think it's a good idea for your mom to go with you to visit the doctor and ask question. That will hopefully put her mind at ease.

1

Agreed. Perfectly put

[sideeye 1,440]

A lot of parents see this as a voluntary surgery, and if you view it with that framing, their freakout kind of makes sense - why volunteer for a procedure that has risk? You're fine! Sure, a little fat, but fine! Just diet and exercise to lose a little weight and don't go through a voluntary medical procedure! Many of them hear the medical reasoning, but revert right back to the cosmetic as the core argument, and that's how they convince themselves it's just vain and unnecessary.

It's a very in-the-moment calculation, though. When you sit them down and say "you realize that if I keep going like this, I'm likely going to have to replace joints, right? Multiple surgeries?" and then talk about increased risk of illness when you carry a lot of weight, or talk about the impacts of diabetes, etc - that's when it lands that a relatively safe surgical procedure right now is actively warding off MULTIPLE, NON-voluntary surgeries in future.

They have a hard time untethering their view from the individual in front of them who might be fat, but is coping. Get them to project 10 years down the line with you having made no changes, and they'll understand that one surgery now is better than four or five down the line, when you're not as young and able to rebound.

[notmyname 591]

1 hour ago, Kimmie K said:

I could probably bring her along to the appointments. That's a good idea. She can grill the doctor instead of me LOL

You might also see if she can go to support group. The support group at my hospital is for patients and families. Several folks have brought their families. One woman brought her mother and the mom asked a lot of questions to get info from other people who have done the surgery (honestly, she monopolized two support group meetings, but that had more to do with this particular mom vs. bringing parents at all).

[SteveT74 359]

I guess I am lucky, none of my family, friends or co-workers questioned my decision. I only had a BMI of 38 when I started this journey, but I had T2DM, high blood pressure, cholesterol and triglycerides. If surgery can help cure or reduce these real health risks, how can you not do it? I am sorry I didn't do it years ago so I could have hopefully avoided T2DM and other issues.