Not coping with lack of support

[monkeyol 21]

Hi, this is my first time posting here. Just looking for some support/advice.

So I'm scheduled to have a gastric sleeve at the end of the month. My weight is 190lbs and I'm 5'3". I know I am at the lower bmi to be having the surgery but I fractured both of my hips last year (due to massive weight gain and low bone density) and am at a huge risk of fracturing them again if I do not get this weight off. I have tried everything, I can lose a stone but always put it back on and more.

I stupidly told my family about getting the surgery done. My husband has been so supportive and understands why I need to get this done. However the rest of my family have been a disaster. They all think it is a case of just eating less and exercising more. I have tried to explain numerous times that I have tried everything and this is something I need to get done for my health. They are also worried about my dying or getting serious complications. I have said that it is not up for discussion anymore, that my decision has been made. This hasn't stopped them continually talking to me negatively about it. As soon as I am on my own (when my husband is not there) they come at me about it. Im finding it really hard emotionally to deal with this, and feel like I'm at such a low point now. Nobody seems to understand, no matter how hard I have tried to explain things. For me this is not about fitting into smaller clothes or looking good. I want my life back, I want to be able to do the things I used to do and not to be so depressed about my weight.

Has anyone gone through this with their families that has some advice?

[Berry78 4,259]

[Hugs] Welcome to the board! You will find there are a ton of people here with unsupportive families.

Mostly I think it's fear for your safety that causes family members to act that way. When YOU get to the point of saying, hey, my quality of life is gone, and I'm willing to take a risk at the chance of being better...

Then you're home free.

Friends and family look for chinks in your armor of resolve.. and if they find one? They'll pry at it mercilessly! Make sure they won't find one.

This is YOUR journey, not theirs.. so they don't get a say.

One thing that was helpful to me preop was to write down all my thoughts and feelings and reasons about and for the surgery. That way I could refresh my memory if the going got tough.

You are gonna do great!

[Apple203 1,314]

Ugh, that is terrible that they wait until you are most vulnerable to "attack". Perhaps the best way to deal with this now is just to firmly shut the family comments down whenever they bring it up. If they won't let it go, just pack up and leave. If you are firm and consistent, hopefully they'll get the message. If they don't, limit your time with them until after surgery.

[DaleCruse 756]

I'm sorry this is happening to you. You don't deserve it. When people verbally attack you, have you considered attacking back? What if you said something like, "By saying what you're saying, you're hurting me. You're making this worse." Make them understand their words have an impact.

I enjoy confrontation & recognize this approach isn't for everyone. Good luck!

[Sosewsue61 3,185]

Yes what Dale said! Don't try to convince them w your explanations, they are not even hearing you.

Say - I have heard your objections, and this topic is CLOSED as of right now. I know you think this is a form of caring, but it is NOT. If you say one more negative word, I am asking you to leave or I will leave.

I had to tell my mother off once, not wls. She used to say 'you better be glad we adopted you or you would have been dead by now.' Mind you I was a married adult w children, I spun around and said - 'you never get to say that to me again, I have heard it all my life, and I was a baby - how did I have control over anything? Why did you bother to adopt me then?' She never said it again.

[Shariberry 28]

Welcome @monkeyol! If I have learned anything, some people will support you and others will not. Many do not understand the surgery, and a lot of people have never been over weight. They may just be worried for your safety. Now saying that, there is a reason I only decided to tell a couple family members and my husband. You need all the support you can get, and any negativity just needs to be shut out and ignored if possible. I am the same height, and a very similar weight and chose to have the surgery as well. I was having serious arthritis issues,due to the extra weight, which made it hard to exercise. I am only 1 and a half months post op, but can tell you I do not regret my decision even one bit. The decision to undergo surgery is a personal one, one you will have to decide on yourself, but I will say for me it has given me the tools to get my life back. There are a ton of vets on here that will be a tremendous source of information, and lots of us newbies on here for support. Chin up girl, you know the reason you are doing this. Show them how hard you are willing to fight for your health.

[Debler68 0]

I am booked to see the consultant in November to arrange to get mine done, and when I told my some of my friends and family they were shocked and again said similar to just eat less and exercise more ... but it is hard and I fully understand. My husband was against it at first, but we had a really good heart to heart and I explained I just wanted my life back after raising my children etc. He is now fully supportive and my friends do understand, although my family think I'm stupid for getting it done. Just remember this is for you .... not your family, not your friends ... you! They do not walk in your shoes so be confident and remember why you want this. I am very nervous I must admit which is why I've joined here today to get some moral support.

[sleevedshereen 524]

@monkeyol I had a similar experience, but once my family knew I was dead set on doing it, they knew they couldn't convince me otherwise. Luckily, you have the support of your husband and that is amazing. It took my boyfriend a while to finally get on board. Literally, it took me having the surgery to have his support.

At the end of the day, you are doing this for YOU and nobody else. At the end of the day, this is about your health and happiness, not theirs. I spent my whole life making sure everyone else was happy and doing what everyone else wanted, but I"m doing what makes me happy now and being a little more selfish. Either you get on board for the ride or get out of my way. lol good luck to you! <3

Edited October 10, 2017 by sleevedshereen

[Native Girl 13]

I totally understand what you are saying I am 5'2 at 213 lbs, with diabetes heart problems and high blood pressure that runs in our family. Father and mother passed because of this and afraid of this. I want to see my grand children and my own children live there lives. You need to do what's right for you.

[Ausgirl5 23]

I know you will get plenty of support here, but that doesn't stop the negativity there This is going the be the hardest thing I have ever done, and I know my husband doesn't get it, but he does try to support. I agree with previous posts, time for some tough love and putting yourself first. If your family won't give you their unconditional support then just step away for awhile. You have enough to deal with, without explaining/justifying/answering to anyone else.

[monkeyol 21]

Thanks so much for all your responses and support! Yea I think I will take a step back from family that are being too negative about this. I feel that this is the time I need to have to myself to mentally prepare myself without having to drain myself trying to convince them of my decision and that I'll be ok. All your words mean so much to me, and are helping me to clear my head. This is the right decision for me whether they understand or not