Telling My Fiance about WLS decision

[Sophie2017 2]

Hi everyone I have been lurking for the last couple of months and have finally decided to post. Sorry its a little long

I started my journey in March and at that time my boyfriend and I were just approaching our 9 month anniversary and just starting to think about " future plans" . At the time I wasn't sure if I would actually go through with the decision to have WLS and even if I did, If i would even be approved so I choose not to tell him about what was happening. Fast forward and I just finished month #5 of nutrition counseling and I have my final doctors appt in August and then we submit everything for approval and schedule surgery. In the meantime my boyfriend has now become my fiancee and we have set a wedding date of August 2018. He actually wanted to get married earlier but I used our venues popularity and busy schedule to push out the wedding date because I knew what was on the horizon and I wanted to make sure I could give my WLS all of my attention before the wedding planning stress took over.

My fiancee has always been thin and his career in the Army means staying physically fit is part of his job description. As someone who has spent my whole life in varying classifications of "chubby --->obese " , my weight has been a lifelong constant struggle. Its at the forefront of every decision I make, every place I go, and every fear I have. One of the things I have enjoyed most about this site is for the first time in my life I found a community of people who know the struggle and the fear the being overweight brings. A perfect example this past weekend I went to a BBQ at a friends house and the only chairs they had were those flimsy aluminum framed folding ones with a woven seat of fabric and prayers to keep you from falling through. I spent the whole BBQ standing and having to make up varying excuses about my back bothering me when I sat down and how it felt better when I could stand and move around whenever my fiancee insisted I take his seat. Worrying about whether you can fit in a chair, or worse if it can support your weight is not a thought that would ever cross his mind. That neural pathway only exists in a "fat brain".

In every other area my fiancee and I are very compatible. We agree on all the big things- religion, politics, money, children, and most of the little things too like what to watch on TV tonight and where to vacation every year. For the most part we have a very open and honest relationship with each other and I don't want to jeopardize that. My struggles with my weight however have always been something I kept very private and I have not wanted to share them with anyone. If I am honest I still don't but the rational side of my brain knows that I need to tell my fiancee about what has been going on and my plans for WLS this fall. While I do believe it's ultimately my decision to make, I know it will effect his life too- first since its a major surgery with all the normal associate risks of that but even more with the changes to my ( and by default his lifestyle), I won't be able to go out restaurants the way we use to or sit on our patio on a Friday night an share a bottle of wine (at least in the near future) . I plan to tell the least number of people in my life ( parents, brother, and fiancee) so by default I am also going to be making him complicit in the cover up. It feels very unfair to put him in that position and I really wish that I did not have to but the alternative of not telling him feels far more destructive to our relationship and ultimately impossible to pull off without being caught.

*** I know there are alot of people on here tell everyone they meet about there WLS and for them that works and I think it great. That is not something I am okay with, I have ADHD and there are only 7 people who know ( well and now all of you...shhhh don't tell). After my diagnosis at 23 I refrained from telling anyone other than my parents, while I got a handle on what it meant. It was the BEST decision I could have made. When people hear ADHD they make assumption about who you are, they range from a scatterbrained disorganized person all the way to someone who is just lazy and looking for an excuse to get out of things, to the worst ones that your just an addict with a made up problem, or the child of parents who would rather drug their kids than discipline them. It's amazing what people will say around you when they don't realize you have ADHD. That's always the kicker for me, it never occurs to them because I don't fit the image they have in their head of ADHD. Once they know however, you can't unring that bell. Everything you do from that point on is painted in that brush. While it would be nice to have mind reading capabilities and know someones viewpoint and prejudices on a topic that's not possible so I keep it close to the vest and have only told additional people over the years when I was comfortable. I plan on doing the exact same thing with WLS surgery and using the upcoming wedding as the default answer if people ask about my weight loss.

Which brings me to my questions

1. how and when have people told there significant others about the decision to have WLS ?

2. how did you approach telling a "thin brain" person , in order to help them see the world through a "fat brain" ?

3. has anyone had issues in there relationships because of resentment over having to keep your secret?

[Navigating the Wilderness 824]

13 minutes ago, Sophie2017 said:

*** I know there are alot of people on here tell everyone they meet about there WLS and for them that works and I think it great. That is not something I am okay with

Let me "weigh" in on this. First, I don't think there is anyone on the planet that goes around saying "Hi my name is x and I have had WLS!" I mean I am pretty open about my WLS, but for me to divulge that info to someone I have just met, there has to be a question directly about it, and I have to actually care enough about that person to tell them.

1. I told all the significant people in my life I was having it. It was honestly a no-brainer. Now for some reason some people have issues with this. But to that I say three things, first, the ones around you will notice (especially your spouse or soon to be spouse). Second, you want to get them all on board ahead of the surgery, or drop them from your life ahead of time. That may sound harsh, and it is, but you absolutely need to sort that out BEFORE surgery instead of after surgery. That may include your spouse as well, some people like their significant other fat for various reasons. If your spouse is one of those, get it out now before you tie the not and find out the hard way. My guess is that will not be the case, but you know, just in case. Third, why on earth would you want to keep a 'secret' from someone who genuinely cares about you. This includes making up lies and then lies upon lies and trying to remember what is what and who knows what about your surgery. Life is tough enough, don't make it tougher on yourself by trying to remember who knows and who doesn't and worrying that someone might tell someone else. I think that is a particularly shitty way to live life.
2. When you talk about thin vs fat brained people I am guessing you mean the difference between people who live to eat and those who eat to live. I don't really see an issue here. If you are currently considering weight loss, then you probably fall into the former category, once you have WLS, you need to be in the latter category or you will end up failing. So my advice is to not look at it as trying to get them to understand you as much as you should try to get yourself to understand them, because in this particular case they have it right. Start learning their habits, mimic those habits, go conquer the world!
3. Resentment over having kept your secret. No, never. You eliminate this problem by being open and honest with those you care about. Those you don't care about can punt if there are hard feelings.

So, long story short, don't sabotage yourself with secrets and lies about WLS. It is a life altering journey, and one that those you care about should be included in. This is not to say you should tell everyone you meet about the surgery, I just want to point out how important it is for your mental health and success to be open and honest with those you love. If not, chances are you will have a much harder time than you need to during this journey.

I hope you understand this post is not bashing your feelings, I am just trying to help you rationalize it out. In my case, I am unapologetically me. I'm not embarrassed or ashamed of needing WLS to achieve my goals. Those that support me know I support them (my wife went to every single doctor's appointment with me, was at the hospital with me, and has dieted every single day with me since my surgery). Those who do not support me have been shuffled out of my life.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

You are seriously over thinking this.

Tell him you are having surgery. His reaction is going to tell you if he is the man you should be marrying or not.

Married people keep secrets from the rest of the world all the time. If he can't keep your secret he isn't worth marrying.

[Diana_in_Philly 1,426]

Re: the secret - my husband, my two teenage daughters and two good friends know about my surgery. That's it. I'm 11 months out, lost 98 pounds and headed to that 100 pound mark soon. I hope to be over 100 pounds lost by my 1 year appointment.

When did I tell my husband - We've been married for almost 20 years now. He and I both love to eat and drink and guess what, our lives haven't changed. He has a beer or a glass of wine or a drink and I had Water or iced tea or selzer in the first few months. I have a glass of wine probably 3-4 times a week now -- if I stopped that would I probably have gotten over the 100 pound mark - you bet. But I told him as soon as I decided it was right for me.

FWIW - you have been keeping a major secret from him for six months -- if he withheld a medical condition from you that he was seeking treatment for over six months how would you feel? Would you feel as if you weren't trusted? Betrayed? Feel as if you didn't count in helping to deal with things? If you are not willing to share everything with him - warts and all - then he's not the person you want to marry. Or if you aren't ready to share all of yourself with someone, maybe you need to re-think whether it is the right time in your life to marry. (I"m on my second marriage - I was too young and too stupid and didn't understand so many things the first time -- neither my ex or I because we were just too young).

You love him. You would never want him to keep from you that he's been treating for high blood pressure for the last six months - so be prepared for him to be shocked when you tell him you are having surgery in a few weeks. You are ready for this and have had time to come to terms with what it means. He has not. You are springing it on him as a surprise so give him time and space to deal with that.

My husband came to the first surgeon visit with me and was by my side and at support groups with me throughout. He hasn't told a soul. (BTW - my mother and sister don't know I had the surgery. And they never will, either, for a whole lot of reasons that aren't relevant to this conversation.)

You need to bring him up to speed as soon as possible and stop thinking about what you won't be able to do (which you will - we dine out often and very well, thank you) but what you will be able to do - zip line? Parasail? Sports? Hike? I don't know what he likes but I'm sure there is some activity he'd love for you to be part of that you can't be right now as a result of your weight.

Sit down and talk to him soon.

[GotProlactinoma 458]

You've already got some awesome advice.

There is no way you can keep it from your fiancé. Just know that that is out of the question. Ask for his understanding, and he will give it, or maybe he isn't the right one to marry. Someone else already said to give him some time to adjust to it, and also give him a fair chance to argue against it (because "you don't need it" etc). But when he insists you don't "need" it, tell him you have already decided on this tool for your future health. And you need him to come around to being supportive.

Worst case scenario: he isn't supportive. And you can then know you dodged a bullet not being trapped in a bad marriage with someone who won't let you live life reasonably the way you NEED to. Honest, as heartbreaking as that sounds. You'd be better off without someone who fought against you doing this or wasn't supportive.

But I bet he will be supportive. Let him get used to the idea. And yes, he should keep secrets for you from others you don't wish to tell.

[Joann454 1,329]

Tell him EXACTLY what you told us. It was honest and real. To answer your questions.
1.) My wife was involved from the get go so I didn't have to tell her.
2.) If you open up (as uncomfortable as it'll be for you) and tell him about the chairs and any other examples of how you are forced to think because of your weight it'll help him to understand. Yes, you will feel vulnerable and maybe a bit embarrassed but he needs to know if he is to understand.
3.) No issues at all with her not telling anyone. It's mine to tell and she hasn't struggled with that at all.
Please let us know how he took it. We are rooting for you.

[Lannie 135]

I had researched WLS for 9 months before I told my husband. We've been together long enough that he has put up with all of my various failed attempted. He was always supportive....however I was scared to tell him I was considering surgery. Ultimately, I think I was scared to admit out loud to someone else that I needed it. It was such a relief to actually bring someone else into the process with me.

Find a time when you can sit down and have a real conversation - maybe Friday on the patio. Don't hit him with it when your both rushing to other activities. Sit down and explain that you have initiated the process to have WLS, share the research and information you have gathered, offered to have him meet with your medical team. If he loves you he will respect your medical decision...it won't matter that he is skinny and doesn't understand the "fate brain".