Friction with my best friend

[gonefromhere 32]

My best friend started gaining weight this summer, and complained to me about it. When she got to her highest ever weight (still lower than I have ever been as an adult) I told her I could no longer talk numbers with her. It hurt me to keep hearing that she felt like garbage even when skinnier than I have ever been.

Maybe that played into my decision to have surgery, I don't know.

We went through fall and I took nutrition classes and saw therapists to talk about my relationship to food. She continued to gain, so at the end of December I had surgery and she was at my college weight (15 years ago!).

I get that she's at her highest ever weight, and random people (like the cashier at the grocery store) ask her if she's pregnant, but I am so tired of hearing about it. She told me today that she thinks she's going to hate when I'm skinnier than her, and that her husband told her that maybe she shouldn't talk to me anymore.

I just needed to vent with people who would understand.

[suzzzzz 1,005]

Wow. Sounds like she is only focused on herself. For me, a best friend would support me and not make everything about her. Have you shared your concerns? I would have a non accusatory, non judgemental discussion about your feelings and then let her respond.

[melunruh 91]

It's hard for those of us that have always been large to understand when a naturally skinny friend is freaking out over what seems to still be a very small number on the scale. I would urge you to look at her through compassionate eyes. While still small to many of us, she's larger than she wishes to be. She has every right to feel sad and scared about that, and she's reaching out to you to confide those feelings. Sometimes naturally smaller people simply don't understand how it can be received by us naturally larger people. I'm sure the opposite is true as well. Also keep in mind that just as our spouses can be scared by the changes were making, so can our best friends. Sounds like a good time for a girls night out with a heart to heart.

[jadeedie 7]

Thats ridiculous....... cut her loose

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[LittleBill 2,231]

There are friends, and there are acquaintances. It sounds like she might be more of an acquaintance than a friend. It is hard sometimes, in our culture, to make the distinction. Maybe her husband is right, from your point of view, and not hers.

[triplethreat 257]

Perhaps she is insecure that you are taking steps to gain control while she feels helpless. I agree with melanruh that while her weight issues might seem trivial to you, to her they are very real. I also never talked numbers with anyone until after wls and I felt the numbers I could discuss were not too far off from "regular size" people's numbers, but there is value in a dialogue about the struggles each of you faces even if you don't talk stats.

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[savyourdvine1 110]

We all have issues others have to deal with. Especially close friends and family. I would think the value of the friendship should outway the irritation she's causing you. I would definitely not let my friend go over her own insecurities. Like a previous person stated..... Talk to her and share your heart. If she walk away from you, then that's her lost.

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[busybeebug 415]

She sounds very upset with her own self image and sees you getting healthier and it hurts her. Be there for her when she needs and asks for support. If she can't handle your changes then you have to let her go.

I'm having an awkward phase with my SIL. She helped me get on track mentally by encouraging me to seek psych. Treatment. She supported me when I was really struggling.

When I started my wls journey she kept saying she will never do it because she loves her food. I don't judge. Everyone has their own path.

Now I am down a significant amount and she has gained a significant, she is weird around me. I try not to talk about my choices too much or how much I am loosing. It just weird. She is so down on herself and wants to change but wont take the steps. She might not be ready. Iwill be there to support her if she wants it. I wish she could be happy with herself.

Edited January 9, 2017 by busybeebug

[gonefromhere 32]

Thanks so much for responding folks! I really appreciate all of your thoughts. I think triplethreat nailed it with this comment.

Perhaps she is insecure that you are taking steps to gain control while she feels helpless.

I'm not sure where to go from here, but perhaps I'll try to have a serious conversation this weekend. Unfortunately since I'm post op and she's recently out of rehab we can't use alcohol to make it easier!

[sasharbinx 115]

Wow. So shallow. Sorry you've experienced this.

Also I've noticed friendships fall apart when one has to be sober. Bonds get built over drinking and if that's out of the mix it just contributes even more on top of a shaky foundation if there ever even was a solid friendship. But on the other hand if it's genuine then you don't need to both be overweight or drinking either.

You go glen coco! You help yourself though and if that's a problem for her tell her to kiss your healthier butt!

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[Tufflaw 463]

So she was fine with you as long you were the "fat" one in your relationship, but now she's going to hate you when it's the other way around? If she's serious, tell her to go fuck herself.