Husband not on board with me having the sleeve!

[Dknal2 1,066]

Okay... had a talk with my husband and he is dead set against this whole gastric sleeve mess, as he calls it. It's so frustrating to me because I feel like I have to go in alone. He is not traveling with me to have it because he says he can't get off of work but I really believe it's because he doesn't want me to have it. He says I'm not really big ( 5'6 starting weight 242 is not a small girl) . He says I can lose weight because I have been able to do so with but visits but as I told him I have lost weight plenty of times in the past but it comes back. He feels if I go to gym and workout like crazy. He just doesn't get it and is really making me feel bad about my decisions. I had a friend that died from gastric bypass complications maybe 4 years after she had it. Her liver started to fail and it was due to complication of the bypass. I tell him that I am not having same procedure but he doesn't get it. I have lost weight during nut visits . He is making me feel like I want this surgery for vain reasons and I don't know if it's insecurity rearing it's ugly Head or what. But it hurts that he is not supporting me in this journey. Makes me feel really alone. I want to be healthy and look and feel my best. I'm 38 with a lot of life to live and I want to enjoy the rest of it .... it sucks not having your spouse or partner on board.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

It does suck.

But that said, this is YOUR body, YOUR life, YOUR health. It would be awesome to have his support, but you don't NEED it. You've got 50 or 60 years left on this earth, you deserve to live those years out at your very best.

[LizCapeCod 29]

Get the book "Weight Loss Surgery for Dummies" and have him read it. That's what got my husband on-board. I started at 5'3", 219.

[suz02 21]

I'm sorry you feel you are on this journey alone. I had my sleeve done on November 7th. I started the journey once before about 3 or so years ago. I stopped because not only was I not really ready but my husband did not support the decision. I let the sway my decision to have the surgery. This past June I started my journey again. I sat down with my husband and told him that this surgery was something I needed to do to get healthy. I told him I needed his support. I understand how he felt but this was a huge decision and I needed as much support as possible. He agreed to be my support. I told him to do some research, which he did. We discussed the procedure often pre-op. Since the 7th my husband has been great. He takes me wherever I need to go and does whatever he can do to keep me from doing more than I should do. Believe me it was a real accomplishment getting him to this point. We've been married for over 30 years. If this surgery is what you feel you want and more importantly need than try sitting down with him and telling him that you need his support. It's important to you. Our decision to do this is not an easy one so we need as much support as posdible.

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[Dknal2 1,066]

Thank you for the advice... I have sat and talked with him for over 4 years and he just doesn't get it. So if I must walk alone ... I shall walk alone.

I'm sorry you feel you are on this journey alone. I had my sleeve done on November 7th. I started the journey once before about 3 or so years ago. I stopped because not only was I not really ready but my husband did not support the decision. I let the sway my decision to have the surgery. This past June I started my journey again. I sat down with my husband and told him that this surgery was something I needed to do to get healthy. I told him I needed his support. I understand how he felt but this was a huge decision and I needed as much support as possible. He agreed to be my support. I told him to do some research, which he did. We discussed the procedure often pre-op. Since the 7th my husband has been great. He takes me wherever I need to go and does whatever he can do to keep me from doing more than I should do. Believe me it was a real accomplishment getting him to this point. We've been married for over 30 years. If this surgery is what you feel you want and more importantly need than try sitting down with him and telling him that you need his support. It's important to you. Our decision to do this is not an easy one so we need as much support as posdible.

Sent from my SM-G920V using the BariatricPal App

[Dknal2 1,066]

I agree. So if I have to do this alone.... I will. Just have to find someone to go with me to Texas because I'm in Alabama . I hate that he thinks it's for vanity purposes but again I think that's his insecurities setting in.

It does suck.

But that said, this is YOUR body, YOUR life, YOUR health. It would be awesome to have his support, but you don't NEED it. You've got 50 or 60 years left on this earth, you deserve to live those years out at your very best.

[livvsmum 2,368]

With all due respect to the marriage thing...... It is your body, and not his. It is your life, not his. When you look back on your life, you don't want to regret not making a change for yourself because of him. And it all reality, if you would choose not to mainly because of his objection then I would put money on you resenting him for it.

There may also be deeper reasons behind it and he may not even be aware that deep down he may be more comfortable with you not losing the weight for whatever reason. It's a very loaded issue in an individual's life and within a marriage. Ultimately, my husband was not able to adapt to the thin version of me. As a part of the process, I regained my personal agency and my personal power, which kind of threw off the dynamic of our marriage and he wasn't able to get on the same page with me.

I'm not at all trying to discourage you, it just is something worth being mindful of. In the end, you need to make the decision that you can live with in the end. It sounds to me like you want a life that you are actively living and you have every right to that life. :-)

[Raymia 565]

That's crazy.... He has no clue how you feel I pushed having my surgery years ago because of my parents my mother had a bad experience with the gastric bypass. Since then I've worked out, got a personal trainer, used diet pills I'll lose 20 to 30 pounds but it just comes back! Now I'm 34 like what a waste of time.... So I'm going for it! I feel you should too! We only live once and it's your life do what makes you happy.

[MissJDVSG 129]

Even if he is personally against your surgery, he should still be able to go with you as your support. You're married, you've probably been there for him during a hard time, and he should be there for you even if his personal feelings are anti-surgery.

But it is your body and your future, and you've got to do it without him if there is no other option. Good luck with everything. It will be worth it!

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

[Dknal2 1,066]

OMG THAT really resignated in my soul. I didn't keep pursuing it years ago because he didn't want me too and my weight just kept increasing. I really feel like he is happy with me not being happy with me . Sad to say but it's true. He knows that I am going to lose weight and maybe gain attention and so his insecurities are guiding him . But I am gonna do what's best for me and I am having surgery. I have to do what's gonna be best for me and this is it. I can't control how he feels or what outcome may be but I am moving forward and trusting God.

With all due respect to the marriage thing...... It is your body, and not his. It is your life, not his. When you look back on your life, you don't want to regret not making a change for yourself because of him. And it all reality, if you would choose not to mainly because of his objection then I would put money on you resenting him for it.

There may also be deeper reasons behind it and he may not even be aware that deep down he may be more comfortable with you not losing the weight for whatever reason. It's a very loaded issue in an individual's life and within a marriage. Ultimately, my husband was not able to adapt to the thin version of me. As a part of the process, I regained my personal agency and my personal power, which kind of threw off the dynamic of our marriage and he wasn't able to get on the same page with me.

I'm not at all trying to discourage you, it just is something worth being mindful of. In the end, you need to make the decision that you can live with in the end. It sounds to me like you want a life that you are actively living and you have every right to that life. :-)

[Dknal2 1,066]

Thank you so much. Also I have been there for him through 3 back surgeries in every way possible. It hurts that he isn't gonna be there for me but God will take care of me.

quote name="MissJDVSG" post="4325589" timestamp="1479827731"]

Even if he is personally against your surgery, he should still be able to go with you as your support. You're married, you've probably been there for him during a hard time, and he should be there for you even if his personal feelings are anti-surgery.

But it is your body and your future, and you've got to do it without him if there is no other option. Good luck with everything. It will be worth it!

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

[livvsmum 2,368]

OMG THAT really resignated in my soul. I didn't keep pursuing it years ago because he didn't want me too and my weight just kept increasing. I really feel like he is happy with me not being happy with me . Sad to say but it's true. He knows that I am going to lose weight and maybe gain attention and so his insecurities are guiding him . But I am gonna do what's best for me and I am having surgery. I have to do what's gonna be best for me and this is it. I can't control how he feels or what outcome may be but I am moving forward and trusting God.

With all due respect to the marriage thing...... It is your body, and not his. It is your life, not his. When you look back on your life, you don't want to regret not making a change for yourself because of him. And it all reality, if you would choose not to mainly because of his objection then I would put money on you resenting him for it.

There may also be deeper reasons behind it and he may not even be aware that deep down he may be more comfortable with you not losing the weight for whatever reason. It's a very loaded issue in an individual's life and within a marriage. Ultimately, my husband was not able to adapt to the thin version of me. As a part of the process, I regained my personal agency and my personal power, which kind of threw off the dynamic of our marriage and he wasn't able to get on the same page with me.

I'm not at all trying to discourage you, it just is something worth being mindful of. In the end, you need to make the decision that you can live with in the end. It sounds to me like you want a life that you are actively living and you have every right to that life. :-)

You are 100% right. My ex would have been very happy keeping me unhappy because it was more comfortable for him. Once I lost the weight he became obsessed with all the "what if's" in his head that were not at all based on reality.

Hopefully though, since you are thinking about this now, it's something that you can work through maybe through therapy or something.

Ultimately, you are only responsible for YOUR happiness and health, not anyone else's.

[Dknal2 1,066]

Yes and I am taking control of this life so that I can be happy and live it to its fullest. Thank you so much for your encouragement and you look great as well. Great job.

OMG THAT really resignated in my soul. I didn't keep pursuing it years ago because he didn't want me too and my weight just kept increasing. I really feel like he is happy with me not being happy with me . Sad to say but it's true. He knows that I am going to lose weight and maybe gain attention and so his insecurities are guiding him . But I am gonna do what's best for me and I am having surgery. I have to do what's gonna be best for me and this is it. I can't control how he feels or what outcome may be but I am moving forward and trusting God.

With all due respect to the marriage thing...... It is your body, and not his. It is your life, not his. When you look back on your life, you don't want to regret not making a change for yourself because of him. And it all reality, if you would choose not to mainly because of his objection then I would put money on you resenting him for it.

There may also be deeper reasons behind it and he may not even be aware that deep down he may be more comfortable with you not losing the weight for whatever reason. It's a very loaded issue in an individual's life and within a marriage. Ultimately, my husband was not able to adapt to the thin version of me. As a part of the process, I regained my personal agency and my personal power, which kind of threw off the dynamic of our marriage and he wasn't able to get on the same page with me.

I'm not at all trying to discourage you, it just is something worth being mindful of. In the end, you need to make the decision that you can live with in the end. It sounds to me like you want a life that you are actively living and you have every right to that life. :-)

You are 100% right. My ex would have been very happy keeping me unhappy because it was more comfortable for him. Once I lost the weight he became obsessed with all the "what if's" in his head that were not at all based on reality.

Hopefully though, since you are thinking about this now, it's something that you can work through maybe through therapy or something.

Ultimately, you are only responsible for YOUR happiness and health, not anyone else's.

[kell911 62]

I feel I am in a the boat next to you. I have been talking to my husband for the last year about having the surgery. We now have insurance that will cover it. I sat with him last night to be exact and I explained to him all the work I have been doing for this process and how I would like to have everything in to be approved by Feb at the latest. He then says he supports me but then begins to tell me all the things I need to change to make it work for me. I then tried to talk to him know that there will be changes made daily, and that I have been making changes and already. Well, he says he hasn't seen any. It was tough hearing him talk the way he was. It felt like he was not supportive as he said he was. I am moving forward with this process. No matter how rough it may be. I am 5' 2" bmi 36.9. With 3 co morb's. I am 41 and I have to make this choice for myself. I am in Texas. I will be using BCBS blue distinction center in Austin Texas.

I agree. So if I have to do this alone.... I will. Just have to find someone to go with me to Texas because I'm in Alabama . I hate that he thinks it's for vanity purposes but again I think that's his insecurities setting in.

It does suck.

But that said, this is YOUR body, YOUR life, YOUR health. It would be awesome to have his support, but you don't NEED it. You've got 50 or 60 years left on this earth, you deserve to live those years out at your very best.

[ella37 455]

I started out in the same situation. I was self pay so I didn't feel right about proceeding without my husband on board.

When I first mentioned "weight loss surgery" he basically just rolled his eyes at me and told me I'm nowhere near big enough to need that. I think that people see shows like "my 600 lb life" and assume it's only for very large folks.

After I explained more about the procedure he became a little more open minded but couldn't stop himself from pointing out how I'd lost weight before, how extreme this seemed, and how he knew I could lose it on my own. I pointed out to him how many MANY times I'd lost and how it just kept coming back and my weight got higher each time. I told him how depressed and self conscious I had become and pointed out to him how recluse I was getting. My weight is a huge part of my self esteem and when it's high I just basically hate myself.

He came around when he saw how important it was to me. The day we came to the decision I told him that I didn't want to hear any more comments unless they were supportive because this was going to be really hard and I would probably even be saying afterwards that I wished I hadn't done it. I did say that at the beginning! He took my words to heart and kept his opinions to himself and showed nothing but support.

Even if your husband won't come around you need to do what is best for you. If my insurance would cover the surgery I would've gone forward even without his blessing. I know once I had it he would've cracked and taken care of me and tried to help. I'm glad it worked out the way it did because it made things easier but you have to make the best choice for you.

I really hope he changes his mind after you have the surgery because it would break my heart to think of someone's spouse being so cold that they refused to help care for their wife/husband during a difficult time.