Struggling with my self image.

[HopeandAgony 566]

I am down 78 lbs. My surgery was 11/16/2015. I lost 72 lbs by 4.5 months post op. I then stalled for 6 weeks, dropped 6 lbs in 3 days, and have been stalled for 3 weeks again. Though I am sure the stalls are impacting my mentality somewhat, they aren't my real concern.

The past few weeks I have gotten very down about the way I look. I don't see the loss like I did before. Mirrors, pictures, and glass reflections are upsetting me. I am 8 lbs away from being in the overweight BMI category, which means I am still deemed obese as I am. I am wearing a US size 10 pants and mostly medium tops (formally I was a 22 pant and 2X top). I currently weigh 178 lbs at 5'4". I have quite a bit more to lose.

I do see a therapist (appt in a few days) because I have OCD and anxiety, but this doesn't feel like either of those things. I know there are such things as "phantom fat" and body dysmorphia. Is that what this is? I never imagined I'd feel this way. I truly feel like I look heavier than ever.

Has anyone been through this? How did you help yourself?

[finallyfree! 84]

Ah sweetie, I hope some veterans reply to your post. I am too early to comment but I do feel your despair. You have done marvelously well with your weight loss and you should be very proud of yourself. It is a shame that we judge ourselves by what the lying mirror shows us instead of by our generous and loving hearts. We also ignore lovely hair and beautiful eyes, a great sense of humour which does more to enrich others lives than our physical appearance. Try to look inside instead of outside and see how beautiful and sensitive you are. I will leave it here so more experienced people can hopefully give you some practical help. Meanwhile, i have just read in another post a response by Inner Surfer Girl who recommended two books to another person. I have not read them but i think i will. They are : When food is love by Geneen Roth and Eat it up by Connie Stapleton.

[HopeandAgony 566]

Your words are ultimately what I would wish for all of us. Why are things so much easier said than done and why can't we do for ourselves what we would encourage others to do? I appreciate you replying. I probably should read some books about this. It just came as a shock because I had felt decent. I told my husband and my sister how I feel and they think I'm nuts and don't understand how I possibly feel the way I do. But I seriously do.

I look at everyone's progress pictures on here and am so amazed at the transformations. I have monthly side by side pictures of my own progress and admit I see minor changes but am overall discouraged by the end result.

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Edited June 4, 2016 by HopeandAgony

[KristenLe 5,979]

@@HopeandAgony You have done so well - you should be proud of yourself! You don't have "quite a bit more to lose"! You need to not only consider how you think you look but how much better you must feel physically! Counseling is important! Look at your before and after pictures too!

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

First, I am not a shrink.

Second, I've lost 100 pounds -- from 235 to 135. I've maintained for over a year now.

I think all these so-called perceptions (or misperceptions, if you will) are pretty common. The advice I'd give you is to just relax and keep losing weight. It takes a while for our minds and feelings to catch up with our body's rapid changes. And believe you me -- no matter how slowly you may think this is all happening it is happening FAST.

Interestingly, my *misperceptions* went like this:

1. I am fat, and I look fat to myself.

2. I am losing weight, and I see the weight loss.

3. I am still losing weight, and I think I'm losing weight too fast. (This is when I was losing 6-8 pounds/month -- ha!)

4. I have definitely lost too much weight. I look weird to myself.

5. I'm still losing weight -- I'm a skeleton (I was 145 pounds and 5'5" about this point -- ha!)

6. I'm down to 135 pounds -- this is cray-cray. I don't look like myself. I should gain 5 pounds and see how I look then.

7. Many months later I still weigh 135 pounds. I think now that I look a little plump. I don't -- ha!

Honestly, I think most of this is just us trying to reconcile all this disparate information (mirror reflections, selfies, other photographs) with our memories of ourselves fat.

BTW, I've been seeing a shrink for 2 years now about bariatric, self-care, self-image and identity issues -- he's very helpful. And believe me, he's never expressed any concerns about my misperceptions as I've lost and then maintained weight.

In other words, I think everything I've gone through around this old/new body reconciliation process is pretty normal for WLS patients.

tl;dr We're not crazy. Our bodies are just changing a lot in a short period of time. It's no wonder we are having a hard time recognizing / understanding what's going on and seeing ourselves in this new light.

[HopeandAgony 566]

@@HopeandAgony You have done so well - you should be proud of yourself! You don't have "quite a bit more to lose"! You need to not only consider how you think you look but how much better you must feel physically! Counseling is important! Look at your before and after pictures too!

Thank you. I know I should be proud. And I was for a while. I thought these feelings would pass but they aren't.

Sometimes I wish I had more "before" pictures. I was always avoiding the camera so I don't have a lot of visuals of what I really looked like before.

I will definitely be talking to my shrink to hopefully get some helpful tips.

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[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

That's a good point about being disadvantaged by not having many prior / fat pictures.

I recently saw two pictures of me taken some time in the last 10 years that I'd never seen before. Not sure how I missed seeing them, but that's another issue.

And the point is -- I was GARGANTUAN then! I had no idea I was that huge!!!!!!!!!!! Honest to God, my self-perception back then was really bad. Really, really bad.

[HopeandAgony 566]

First, I am not a shrink.

Second, I've lost 100 pounds -- from 235 to 135. I've maintained for over a year now.

I think all these so-called perceptions (or misperceptions, if you will) are pretty common. The advice I'd give you is to just relax and keep losing weight. It takes a while for our minds and feelings to catch up with our body's rapid changes. And believe you me -- no matter how slowly you may think this is all happening it is happening FAST.

Interestingly, my *misperceptions* went like this:

1. I am fat, and I look fat to myself.

2. I am losing weight, and I see the weight loss.

3. I am still losing weight, and I think I'm losing weight too fast. (This is when I was losing 6-8 pounds/month -- ha!)

4. I have definitely lost too much weight. I look weird to myself.

5. I'm still losing weight -- I'm a skeleton (I was 145 pounds and 5'5" about this point -- ha!)

6. I'm down to 135 pounds -- this is cray-cray. I don't look like myself. I should gain 5 pounds and see how I look then.

7. Many months later I still weigh 135 pounds. I think now that I look a little plump. I don't -- ha!

Honestly, I think most of this is just us trying to reconcile all this disparate information (mirror reflections, selfies, other photographs) with our memories of ourselves fat.

BTW, I've been seeing a shrink for 2 years now about bariatric, self-care, self-image and identity issues -- he's very helpful. And believe me, he's never expressed any concerns about my misperceptions as I've lost and then maintained weight.

In other words, I think everything I've gone through around this old/new body reconciliation process is pretty normal for WLS patients.

tl;dr We're not crazy. Our bodies are just changing a lot in a short period of time. It's no wonder we are having a hard time recognizing / understanding what's going on and seeing ourselves in this new light.

Thanks Ann.

Your perspective is very interesting to me. I find it intriguing how you thought you were getting too thin along the way! The complexity of the way in which our individual minds work is crazy. I cannot imagine seeing myself as too thin ever. Then again, I never imagined losing almost 80 lbs and still feeling fat.

A recent picture that started this downward spiral was a full body shot of me standing next to my very healthy, athletic, and thin 14 year old teenage child taken about 3 weeks ago. I felt I looked monster like next to them and it's just sort of stuck.

Thank goodness I have a Dr appointment this week. My shrink will probably be like wtf... we just got your OCD under wraps and now this stupidity rears it head...ha

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Edited June 4, 2016 by HopeandAgony

[StephBradlee 21]

I echo finallyfree!'s comments. Hang in there! You are doing an amazing job. I go for surgery 6/17. I appreciate your honesty and sharing your experience.

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[Healthy_life2 8,319]

@@HopeandAgony

It takes work to wrap your head around the significant change in your appearance. On days that my mind tells me I'm fat. I put on my pair of pants that I saved from my high weight. I placed a photo on my bathroom mirror to remind me as I went out into the world..I'm a smaller package.

The things that confront you after surgery can take you by surprise. My counselor has been amazing.

I try to keep my sense of humor about my weight loss distortions. Here is a strange moment that other bariatric patients would understand...Walking down a narrow hallway. I moved to give people room to pass. I was giving them way to much room.... All I can do is laugh at myself some days.

[jess9395 5,448]

The mind takes a long time to catch up for sure. I'm 2.5 years out have lost 136 pounds from 271 to 135 and maintained around there for 1.5 years.

I never went through the OMG I'm losing too much/getting too skinny mindset. It took forever to believe that yes I do wear a size small (I remember spending way more than I should have on a top in Nordstroms because I fit into a Jr department XL and I thought I'd never get small enough to not be able to wear it!)

But it comes, with time.

BUT speaking as someone with a 13 year old athletic boy and a 17 year old dancer girl... I will always look a bit dumpy in pictures next to them! Heck I'm 135 and 5'6" and run marathons, but I'm also 46!!! My kids are supposed to look better than me and if I want to look as good as they do I'm looney tunes!

Take a picture of yourself next to someone your own age and gender next time, preferable not an athlete LOL

[HopeandAgony 566]

The mind takes a long time to catch up for sure. I'm 2.5 years out have lost 136 pounds from 271 to 135 and maintained around there for 1.5 years.

I never went through the OMG I'm losing too much/getting too skinny mindset. It took forever to believe that yes I do wear a size small (I remember spending way more than I should have on a top in Nordstroms because I fit into a Jr department XL and I thought I'd never get small enough to not be able to wear it!)

But it comes, with time.

BUT speaking as someone with a 13 year old athletic boy and a 17 year old dancer girl... I will always look a bit dumpy in pictures next to them! Heck I'm 135 and 5'6" and run marathons, but I'm also 46!!! My kids are supposed to look better than me and if I want to look as good as they do I'm looney tunes!

Take a picture of yourself next to someone your own age and gender next time, preferable not an athlete LOL

That's a great suggestion. It was the first picture of me standing with another person. I have the ones of just me that I took for my progress pics but seeing me next to another person really wrecked me. I should take a picture with an adult and see if it helps my perspective. Thank you!

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[HopeandAgony 566]

@@HopeandAgony

It takes work to wrap your head around the significant change in your appearance. On days that my mind tells me I'm fat. I put on my pair of pants that I saved from my high weight. I placed a photo on my bathroom mirror to remind me as I went out into the world..I'm a smaller package.

The things that confront you after surgery can take you by surprise. My counselor has been amazing.

I try to keep my sense of humor about my weight loss distortions. Here is a strange moment that other bariatric patients would understand...Walking down a narrow hallway. I moved to give people room to pass. I was giving them way to much room.... All I can do is laugh at myself some days.

I know what you are talking about! Every time we go to dinner and get seated at a booth I have serious trepidation about if I will fit comfortably. I cringe when they start walking us towards them.

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[finallyfree! 84]

We probably dont see ourselves accurately at any time, probably lack of self esteem or confidence. I am going through the 'i am eating too much and will never lose my weight and I will never maintain if I cant control myself now', even though I am staying within the top end of recommendations and have lost 18kgs in 9 weeks. Also, re photos, because I am so tall I alway look like a huge monster if I stand next to an average woman. I have seen photos of myself when i was slim standing next to a friend and I look enormous but i was proportionate for my height. We do overthink things.

[HopeandAgony 566]

I am reading thru these comments again this morning as I lay in bed. I'm already feeling down about myself and I just opened my eyes. So, I came back for the reminders. I made the mental connection that my OCD might be amplifying the fact that I can't let this thought go and knowing that will ultimately help me move forward.

Today I plan to focus on the fact that my old x-large pj's are way too big and falling off me this morning. When the rain passes I will go for a 3 mile walk/jog and along the way I won't feel like I might literally expire. And then I will come home and put on my new size 10 swimsuit and enjoy my backyard pool. I have come a long way, and I just need to keep telling myself that.

Thank you all for taking the time to support me.

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