Oh, the lying!

[Cape Crooner 589]

When I embarked on my wls journey, I truly expected to become an evangelist who would spread the word to my obese friends.

I recall people in my support group urging secrecy, but I argued on behalf of "sharing the good news".

I did tell a few close family members and all were supportive, but my 93 year old mother got problematic almost immediately. She was full of misinformation based on 50 year old hearsay. She also kept talking about it to people I'd never dream of sharing with.

Within a few weeks we decided to go dark and not tell anyone. I spoke to my mother (rather sternly) and told her to not tell anyone about it. My wife called the people my mother spoke too and asked them to honor my privacy.

That was 7 months ago and so far so good. The problem is that I lost a lot of weight pretty quickly (95 lbs in 7 months). We are very social with hundreds of friends, most of whom are overweight, and all want to know "how I did it".

I have honed a story that's close to the truth (minus the surgery part), but I'm sick of lying to so many of my friends.

If I had it to do over again, I would have been open from the start, but my wife disagrees. She's been 100% supportive and thus I respect her wishes, but I'm so sick of the lying!

Edited April 13, 2016 by Cape Crooner

[KristenLe 5,979]

I haven't had surgery yet but feel that not telling obese friends is doing them a disservice. If it weren't for a woman at work being open about her journey I may not have even looked into surgery. We know how hard it is to do this on our own and when we don't tell them about the most helpful tool we've had to lose - they must feel like failures. I'm not shouting it on the roof tops but if asked, I'm going to tell friends, family and coworkers. Congrats on your success, Cape! Well done and something to be proud of!

[JupiterinVirgo 846]

I think all of us here on this forum have benefited because other people were open about their experiences. That said, our bodies are among our most personal of possessions, and it is understandable that some of us wouldn't want everyone and their mother weighing in on what we do with our bodies. Personally, I take a somewhat middleground stance on that in my personal life. People close to me know, and all of them were and are very supportive. I don't tell everyone about it, because I am not interested in their opinions, but if another obese person came to me and asked me what I did, I would tell them because this surgery saved my life.

Edited April 13, 2016 by JupiterinVirgo

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

I am fortunate because I seem to have very supportive family and friends. I also happen to not be working right now.

I haven't gone public on social media but I have been pretty open with my family and friends. I try not to bring up the subject but if asked I am pretty open. I did decide early out not to share numbers with anyone (not even my family). I have not done so except in a medical context, on here (since it is anonymous), and in a couple of instances where I thought being open about the numbers would benefit someone else.

There is a difference to me between lying and privacy. We are not obligated to tell everyone everything about our personal business. And, we are allowed to change our minds (like you did with first sharing with family and then deciding to keep things private).

It is up to you how you tell your story. I hope you find peace with whatever you decide.

[reree6898 1,164]

There are some people I have told but there are others who I am not comfortable telling so when asked I just say I am eating a whole lot less and moving a whole lot more because that is truthful without going into my medical info.

[Crochet Queen 16]

Why don't people share? I guess everyone has their reasons. I think some are embarrassed that they could not defeat the battle on their own. I have also had that feeling myself. But I realized that is nothing to be embarrassed about! I am proud of myself for doing something about this as I have many medical conditions I didn't have 2 years ago as a result of my weight gain. I am going to have a healthy life.

I am the type of person that is a pretty open book so for me I will tell anyone that stays still for 5 minutes, I am not a private person. Not that I share absolutely everything about my life to everyone. I still believe the main reason is embarrassment. It is within our human nature to try to not have the feeling of embarrassment which is why I think people keep certain information to themselves. Just my opinion :-)

Why don't people share? I guess everyone has their reasons. I think some are embarrassed that they could not defeat the battle on their own. I have also had that feeling myself. But I realized that is nothing to be embarrassed about! I am proud of myself for doing something about this as I have many medical conditions I didn't have 2 years ago as a result of my weight gain. I am going to have a healthy life.

I am the type of person that is a pretty open book so for me I will tell anyone that stays still for 5 minutes, I am not a private person. Not that I share absolutely everything about my life to everyone. I still believe the main reason is embarrassment. It is within our human nature to try to not have the feeling of embarrassment which is why I think people keep certain information to themselves. Just my opinion :-)

[Alphabetize 57]

I keep going back and forth with this. So far, I've just been telling on a need-to-know basis. Certain family members and my best friend mostly. Everyone has been supportive. I feel lucky that I stay home with my kids because I can only imagine the petty gossip in my old work environment. I believe we're all partially in control of the direction this takes though, and the more we educate about how this is not something where people can say "Oh, she JUST had surgery to lose weight, so she took the easy way out," the better off we are. Those I've told have gotten the 2-minute crash course on how this is anything but the easy way out. I think that's changed how they've spoken about it with me and hopefully others. I'm not planning on shouting it out on social media... most of those people don't realize how much I gained anyway. [emoji4]

Edited April 13, 2016 by Alphabetize

[fernandfj 469]

I told those closest to me. If someone asks, I also tell them I had bariatric surgery. I haven't shouted it out from the rooftops and I have refrained from trying to proselytize, especially with those that I know could benefit but aren't really considering it. I fully understand, however, those that keep it to themselves - this is a private, personal matter like most types of surgery and medical procedures. You have to find the path that makes you the most comfortable and stick to it.

[gowalking 10,790]

I think all of us here on this forum have benefited because other people were open about their experiences. That said, our bodies are among our most personal of possessions, and it is understandable that some of us wouldn't want everyone and their mother weighing in on what we do with our bodies. Personally, I take a somewhat middleground stance on that in my personal life. People close to me know, and all of them were and are very supportive. I don't tell everyone about it, because I am not interested in their opinions, but if another obese person came to me and asked me what I did, I would tell them because this surgery saved my life.

What she said.

Also...the OP's remark about 'spreading the word' is not such a good idea. If one is not ready to hear how to 'fix' themselves, they will not appreciate you trying to tell them.

In my experience, men are mostly clueless or they know better than to say anything. Women however, notice everything. No way could I get away with losing nearly 150 lbs without the questions. I responded based on who it was, and how comfortable I felt. I've had a couple of obese people in my office who finally came to me privately and I gave them the truth as I know it's what they deserved. Others got varying versions of my story. And that's the point...I never lied..I just divulged information accordingly.

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

@@Cape Crooner When people ask.... How are you losing the weight? What are you telling them now?

[Cape Crooner 589]

Depends on who they are and how much time I have, but essentially it's usually something like:

1. I was very close to diabetes and decided it was time for a serious and prolonged diet.

2. I entered a medically supervised weight loss program.

3. The key was to reset my body's set point to think I was a skinny person.

4. I stopped drinking alcohol, soda, and coffee. I started out at 1700 calories/day and then cut down from there until I got to 600 calories/day.

5. Once I got to my goal, I started adding back calories, focusing on Protein first and avoiding sugars and breads.

6. Now I'm pretty much eating 1500-2000 calories a day and focusing on maintenance. My body now "believes" this is my proper weight.

Not really lying, but it feels like it when I push my plate away after eating 7-8 ounces of food...

[Valentina 2,642]

When I embarked on my wls journey, I truly expected to become an evangelist who would spread the word to my obese friends.

I recall people in my support group urging secrecy, but I argued on behalf of "sharing the good news".

I did tell a few close family members and all were supportive, but my 93 year old mother got problematic almost immediately. She was full of misinformation based on 50 year old hearsay. She also kept talking about it to people I'd never dream of sharing with.

Within a few weeks we decided to go dark and not tell anyone. I spoke to my mother (rather sternly) and told her to not tell anyone about it. My wife called the people my mother spoke too and asked them to honor my privacy.

That was 7 months ago and so far so good. The problem is that I lost a lot of weight pretty quickly (95 lbs in 7 months). We are very social with hundreds of friends, most of whom are overweight, and all want to know "how I did it".

I have honed a story that's close to the truth (minus the surgery part), but I'm sick of lying to so many of my friends.

If I had it to do over again, I would have been open from the start, but my wife disagrees. She's been 100% supportive and thus I respect her wishes, but I'm so sick of the lying!

Halleluiah !!!

Question: How'd "speaking sternly to your 93yr old mother" go?

I have always been of the mind to be open about my surgery. Once one starts

​"lying through omission", or "just telling a little white lie", or "just telling a select few", the web of gossip mongering starts--in my opinion.

The people who one doesn't tell, once they find out (and they will) could not only be hurt because you "didn't trust them enough " to tell them the truth, but will start filling in incorrect information just to appear that they were indeed members of "the select few" that you did share with.

My memory is not good enough to remember who I told what, so I simply stick to the facts. Once ASKED, I will share my journey. "One story fits all".

My opinion.

[applejenn 173]

I have told everyone, I think the whole stigma around it, is from not knowing all/correct info about it.

If I can help clear up the way people view it, I'm more than happy to discuss it

~Jenn~

Surgery date 5/18/16

[James Marusek 5,244]

I basically told everyone about my surgery, even strangers on the street. Almost everyone was supportive or curious. I had only one person react badly and that was my mother. In her case she is elderly and depends on me for personal support. She viewed the surgery from the perspective of someone who did not want to experience the possibility that anything could threaten that support.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

Depends on who they are and how much time I have, but essentially it's usually something like:

1. I was very close to diabetes and decided it was time for a serious and prolonged diet.

2. I entered a medically supervised weight loss program.

3. The key was to reset my body's set point to think I was a skinny person.

4. I stopped drinking alcohol, soda, and coffee. I started out at 1700 calories/day and then cut down from there until I got to 600 calories/day.

5. Once I got to my goal, I started adding back calories, focusing on Protein first and avoiding sugars and breads.

6. Now I'm pretty much eating 1500-2000 calories a day and focusing on maintenance. My body now "believes" this is my proper weight.

Not really lying, but it feels like it when I push my plate away after eating 7-8 ounces of food...

Silly me, but if I were to go into that much detail I would just say I had surgery. It seems much easier.