Oh, the lying!

[applejenn 173]

Where I work we have a handful of people who have gone through the surgery, only a few have not told anyone to this day. I hear the gossip from people about them, and I just don't want people guessing and gossiping, how I lost. A lot of weight maybe I'm ill. So I just find being upfront is easier and its educating someone at the same time

~Jenn~

Surgery date 5/18/16

[OKCPirate 5,323]

You make it sound so easy to be Dub. That's nice.

I'm so glad I was simply upfront with folks from the very beginning.

It's been the biggest nonevent imaginable.

There's been zero judgmental comments voiced nor has there been any blowback.....simply good positive supportive comments and attaboys.

Coming up with a cover story of how I was losing 40% of my bodyweight seemed like a sham and a bunch of bs.

It's a choice we each have to make....and everyone's circumstances are unique to them.

I'm just a straightaway, heart on sleeve sort. Truth is easier than fabrication.

Well no one is going to give @@Dub a rough time.

1) He is much bigger than most human beings and

2) No one wants to be on Dub's "no BBQ list." See: http://www.bariatricpal.com/topic/357500-9-weeks-out-and-loving-lifegrilling-my-back-out-this-weekend/

[Dub 9,922]

I'm so glad I was simply upfront with folks from the very beginning.

It's been the biggest nonevent imaginable.

There's been zero judgmental comments voiced nor has there been any blowback.....simply good positive supportive comments and attaboys.

Coming up with a cover story of how I was losing 40% of my bodyweight seemed like a sham and a bunch of bs.

It's a choice we each have to make....and everyone's circumstances are unique to them.

I'm just a straightaway, heart on sleeve sort. Truth is easier than fabrication.

You make it sound so easy to be Dub. That's nice.

As far as the sleeve surgery goes....it truly has been that simple.

In some other categories, however......it's a freaking mess.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

As far as the sleeve surgery goes....it truly has been that simple.

In some other categories, however......it's a freaking mess.

I say "easy," you say "simple." Not the same by a long shot. We're both correct in our warped little ways..

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

.

Well no one is going to give @@Dub a rough time.

1) He is much bigger than most human beings and

2) No one wants to be on Dub's "no BBQ list." See: http://www.bariatricpal.com/topic/357500-9-weeks-out-and-loving-lifegrilling-my-back-out-this-weekend/

Funnybones, OKCP. You're correct, though, about being omitted from the BBQ list. That would be the rub. A dry rub.

Uh-oh, I think we're hijacking Cape Crooner's topic. I hope he's a BBQ fan.

[mngreeneyes 674]

I didn't tell many people before my surgery because I didn't want to deal with the naysayers. My parents and brothers both knew, but otherwise I was very strategic with who I told. Since surgery I have been much more open about it, but I have several friends who I haven't told and I've only seen once since my surgery. It was early days so they didn't notice or didn't mention. Now, almost 70 pounds and 5 months later and I think they are going to notice. I anticipate a few who will be upset that I didn't tell earlier. At this point, all I can say is that I was keeping it quiet, but now I feel more able to talk about it. They won't know that since surgery, I've been telling almost anyone who will listen as they don't know those people. I tell people on a very one on one basis because its easier to tailor the explanation. I think you can still do that as well. Start with your closest friends and as people comment or ask, judge where you feel you are in comfort and where you think their reaction will be and go from there. It is a very personal decision to have the surgery and even more so to tell. If people have a problem with your decision on either of those things, that's there problem.

Best of luck.

pam

[24601 210]

I constantly have to judge whom I tell. If people are asking just out of idle curiosity, then I just tell them a half truth, that I did it by eating less (more Protein, less carbs) and working out more. If someone I know is asking because they struggle with their weight and could benefit from the whole truth, then I tell them about the surgery. For me, it is pretty easy to distinguish the two.

[DeletedMember 715]

@@Crochet Queen, I'm not sure that embarrassment is the main reason, although it certainly could be for some and could be part of the reason for many. I have shared with a very small circle of people (doctors, family, boss, HR director and 1 friend). I do this because I am an extremely private person and don't wish for people to have a lot of insight into my personal health issues. I generally didn't share the fact that I had high blood pressure with people either.

Part of the reason that I am so private is that I don't like being the center of attention or concern. I don't like the interrogations that often come with people knowing. I also am not interested, in any way in their opinions. The few people that do know are already driving me crazy. How are you doing? How are you feeling? How's the weight loss coming? How is your eating? Are you able to exercise? Whew! I tire quickly of answering these questions. And these people are genuinely interested and supportive.

I have honestly only had one negative experience with anyone who knows, and ironically, that came from the nurse at my PCP. My PCP herself has been amazingly supportive and encouraging, but her nurse decided she should share with me that everyone she knows that has done this has failed and regained the weight, that people just need to change their behaviors, and then went on to tell me she had read about a new procedure where they inflate a baloon in your stomach, and added "maybe that one will actually work". Keep in mind, this was all said to me AFTER I had the surgery. I sort of wanted to punch her in the throat. Not because it impacts me personally, as I'm confident in my decision, but just because it was unnecessary and mean spirited.

Once I am through the majority of the weight loss and am in maintenance, I may share more. Largely because at that point, people hopefully will not find the need to check on my progress continually. As others have said, I am much more likely to share with other obese people. I do not want to mislead anyone and give them false hope. Also, if (when) I am able to achieve success, perhaps it will encourage them to at least explore their options.

This is similar to how I have handled other medical issues in the past. If someone came to me and was upset that they had just been diagnosed with High Blood Pressure, I was likely to share with them that I had been medicated for years and it was controllable.

Anyway, that's my perspective. It has nothing to do with embarrassment or shame for me. This is literally the only chance I have to control my weight. After decades of dieting I know that. It would be embarrassing to not do everything in my power to regain my health.

[alighterkaan 128]

I struggled with trying to decide if I wanted to tell everyone or not. I don't think it's too late to be open and honest and I think that it will help you feel better and more confident about your decision. I try to not approach people about suggesting that they have it, because I feel like that's rude. However, at least once a week I have someone message me and ask me about my journey and they tell me that they are interested.

I know it's scary to reveal the truth, but I think it'll play in your favor ultimately.

[Crochet Queen 16]

@@Crochet Queen, I'm not sure that embarrassment is the main reason, although it certainly could be for some and could be part of the reason for many. I have shared with a very small circle of people (doctors, family, boss, HR director and 1 friend). I do this because I am an extremely private person and don't wish for people to have a lot of insight into my personal health issues. I generally didn't share the fact that I had high blood pressure with people either.

Part of the reason that I am so private is that I don't like being the center of attention or concern. I don't like the interrogations that often come with people knowing. I also am not interested, in any way in their opinions. The few people that do know are already driving me crazy. How are you doing? How are you feeling? How's the weight loss coming? How is your eating? Are you able to exercise? Whew! I tire quickly of answering these questions. And these people are genuinely interested and supportive.

I have honestly only had one negative experience with anyone who knows, and ironically, that came from the nurse at my PCP. My PCP herself has been amazingly supportive and encouraging, but her nurse decided she should share with me that everyone she knows that has done this has failed and regained the weight, that people just need to change their behaviors, and then went on to tell me she had read about a new procedure where they inflate a baloon in your stomach, and added "maybe that one will actually work". Keep in mind, this was all said to me AFTER I had the surgery. I sort of wanted to punch her in the throat. Not because it impacts me personally, as I'm confident in my decision, but just because it was unnecessary and mean spirited.

Once I am through the majority of the weight loss and am in maintenance, I may share more. Largely because at that point, people hopefully will not find the need to check on my progress continually. As others have said, I am much more likely to share with other obese people. I do not want to mislead anyone and give them false hope. Also, if (when) I am able to achieve success, perhaps it will encourage them to at least explore their options.

This is similar to how I have handled other medical issues in the past. If someone came to me and was upset that they had just been diagnosed with High Blood Pressure, I was likely to share with them that I had been medicated for years and it was controllable.

Anyway, that's my perspective. It has nothing to do with embarrassment or shame for me. This is literally the only chance I have to control my weight. After decades of dieting I know that. It would be embarrassing to not do everything in my power to regain my health.

I understand what you are saying, and we are all different. Some of us are private and others not so much. Either way we will be bombarded with questions whether people know or not. As soon as people see weight loss the questions start. I personally would rather just say, I had a weight loss procedure than try to come up with a way to avoid sharing. This is certainly a personal decision and there is no right or wrong.

[Sajijoma 1,324]

My approach has been to take a neutral stance. I have told very few people outright, but if someone asks "how I did it" and they are someone who like me has had issues, then I tell them. I'm not ashamed of having the surgery, but at the same time it's not everyone's business either. I don't evangelize the awesomeness of my rny to the grocery checkout clerk when she commented how good I looked and she could tell I lost a lot of weight, but between friends and stuff, there really isn't a reason to keep it a secret or lie. I have lost one friend after she found out I had wls and that's ok because doing a post mortem on that friendship, I realized she wasn't really my friend to begin with and only wanted someone to beat down and I made a great target. If your friends turn on you let them go. Life is better without the toxic life suckers and if you do tell, it might help someone. My former college roommate was the one who got me thinking about it. We had always been the same size and then the next time I saw her she looked amazing and when I found out she did wls I thought "heck, if she did it, why can't I?!?".

Edited April 13, 2016 by Sajijoma

[losergrl75 277]

I have taken the same half and half stance like many others, I haven't lied to anyone but I don't necessarily volunteer the information either. My co-workers, family and close friends all know. My husband did request that I not tell anyone what type of surgery I was having because he is very private and he knows I'm an open book type person. I told him, if someone asks me I am not lying. I am not ashamed that I had surgery and I have found throughout life that it takes way more energy to lie than it does to tell the truth. I've only had a couple of people had ask me how I've lost the weight, and I jokingly answered " I cut out 80% of my stomach". However, I check in on FB at the gym most days since I have a couple of accountability partners/friends and I've also posted ( and pinned on Pinterest) tons of high protein/low carb recipes, work out routines, clean eating memes etc. I think most people just contribute my weight loss to that. Plus, I have been a yoyo dieter most of my adult life. So pretty much everyone who knows me is used to me losing a bunch of weight and slowly gaining it back. My cousin who knew I was having the surgery saw how much weight I lost on my pre-op diet and asked for a copy of it and now she does my pre-op diet one week a month lol

[Cape Crooner 589]

I don't think you're following my story. We never realized the snowball effect of omitting the truth when we first decided to keep it secret. At the time, we were thinking "we might talk about it one day, just not now". But once we omitted the story to 5-6 friends, we found ourselves in the awkward situations of being less than honest with close friends.

Again, my situation is complicated because I have 100's of friends and about 20 very close ones...

I did follow your story, hence, my saying "go ahead" if you want to fill in the blanks, but I think that the seeds of the snowball are more significant.

Since you're more concerned with what's going on today, why not tell the close friends in a casual way? You're not confessing a crime, only sharing more information that you found especially personal at the start. If asked, you can throw in why you were hesitant. Whatever you decide to do now, keep it simple for your own peace of mind. Since you've lost so much weight, the close friends are more than likely to be supportive and as happy for you as you are.

Hundreds of friends? I can't conceive of being able to say that myself. That I'm acquainted with hundreds, yes, but I'd be slightly exaggerating to say "friends." Are you very famous?

So yes, somewhat famous (Who's Who, Wikipedia). My definition of a close friend is someone who has stayed with us in our home and/or gone on vacation with -- yes, hundreds.

The problem that I don't think you're following has multiple layers:

1. My wife is my partner in this journey. If I had wanted to be open from day one, she would have gone along, but once we started omitting, she took a strong position about secrecy. I have told her that I would not lie directly to a close friend who asked me outright "did you have WLS?". Short of that, I will now follow her wishes no matter how much it pains me to be less than honest.

2. With so many close friends who know many of the same people, there is no "casual mention" of WLS without running the risk of offending someone who heard about it later from one of the first people I casually mentioned it to. Suppose I tell people as you say and tell them that I consider it private and ask them to keep it so. What happens if they don't honor my wishes? 80% of my friends would love to lose weight and half of them are probably envious of my rapid loss. I love them all, but I doubt they'd keep my secret.

3. To tell all my close friends simultaneously, I would literally need to do a mass email blast and of course get my wife to go along,

4. Finally, the reason I wrote this post was not to get some half baked advice. My point was to reach out to others who are just starting their journey and spur them to think through the open/secret question more thoroughly. There is no simple or right/wrong answer.

I wish I had known then what I know now. I wish I'd been open -- but I didn't, and now I'm uncomfortable with the lying (half truths). Sorry you can't follow this...

Edited April 13, 2016 by Cape Crooner

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

@@Cape Crooner, I am saddened that my batter didn't set to your liking. Your story becomes increasingly 'layered' and way beyond my ken. May your solution to the quatrilemma give you peace.

[Cape Crooner 589]

@@Cape Crooner, I am saddened that my batter didn't set to your liking. Your story becomes increasingly 'layered' and way beyond my ken. May your solution to the quatrilemma give you peace.

No problem, it's a complicated situation of my own making. I just wanted to "sound off". Trust me, I think about it a lot and I wish there was a simple way out. There is not and that's why I'm sharing it with others.

I'm particularly anxious because I live in two places that are thousands of miles apart. I'm returning to one I haven't been to for 6 months two weeks from now. We have about 100 close friends there and my soul aches over the thought of having this half truth conversation 100 more times!

I do take comfort in the words of those 2 year veterans who say in never comes up anymore, That's something to look forward to...

PEACE