Unsupportive People!

[mrz.mott 42]

Last Friday, out of frustration, because my husband was in the hospital, I went to a friends house I was talking to her about everything going on in my life. Well when we got to the topic of weight loss surgery, it was all down hill. She is a big girl too, and I thought that she would be one of the more understanding people about it, but NO! "Well you aren't that big, so-and-so is bigger." Or "Can't you just try to lose it on your own?" Why do people feel the need to say shit like this? I've made up my mind, anscif you can't be zupportive, then just keep your opinion to yourself!. Ugh. I'm so frustrated.

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[165B445 188]

Yes, you have to be prepared for ppl like that and it doesn't matter of that obese or not some ppl just don't like the "tool" that our medical professionals are giving us to help wt loss.... plus when ppl don't understand the unknown or not educated about the surgery they will "unsupportive"... sorry that happened while your at a stressful time with hubby....

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[Maggie Journey 126]

Last Friday, out of frustration, because my husband was in the hospital, I went to a friends house I was talking to her about everything going on in my life. Well when we got to the topic of weight loss surgery, it was all down hill. She is a big girl too, and I thought that she would be one of the more understanding people about it, but NO! "Well you aren't that big, so-and-so is bigger." Or "Can't you just try to lose it on your own?" Why do people feel the need to say **** like this? I've made up my mind, anscif you can't be zupportive, then just keep your opinion to yourself!. Ugh. I'm so frustrated.

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I'm sorry you didn't get the support you needed. The two co-workers that have been closest to me (lunch buddies, etc) are the two that are the least likely to be supportive of me. They don't know about my surgery plans, but having already lost 20 lbs with healthy choices over the past few months, they're now avoiding me. At first, it was looking at my food at lunch and commenting (what's the big deal about a big salad with chicken?). Next, it was going to lunch without me. It hurts, but I kind of get it. Both of them have higher BMIs than I do and one has all the same co-morbidities that I have. They just don't want to make any changes for themselves. I would never suggest that they do, but it's not what you say, it's what you do that bugs them. You and I are doing the hard work and making changes. They only see how your changing reflects on THEM, rather than choose to be supportive. When you lose weight (regardless of how you do it), the people around you show their true colors, especially those who have weight to lose themselves. A lot of people close to us can't be supportive and encouraging, and that's a shame.

Last Friday, out of frustration, because my husband was in the hospital, I went to a friends house I was talking to her about everything going on in my life. Well when we got to the topic of weight loss surgery, it was all down hill. She is a big girl too, and I thought that she would be one of the more understanding people about it, but NO! "Well you aren't that big, so-and-so is bigger." Or "Can't you just try to lose it on your own?" Why do people feel the need to say **** like this? I've made up my mind, anscif you can't be zupportive, then just keep your opinion to yourself!. Ugh. I'm so frustrated.

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I'm sorry you didn't get the support you needed. The two co-workers that have been closest to me (lunch buddies, etc) are the two that are the least likely to be supportive of me. They don't know about my surgery plans, but having already lost 20 lbs with healthy choices over the past few months, they're now avoiding me. At first, it was looking at my food at lunch and commenting (what's the big deal about a big salad with chicken? ). Next, it was going to lunch without me. It hurts, but I kind of get it. Both of them have higher BMIs than I do and one has all the same co-morbidities that I have. They just don't want to make any changes for themselves. I would never suggest that they do, but it's not what you say, it's what you do that bugs them. You and I are doing the hard work and making changes. They only see how your changing reflects on THEM, rather than choose to be supportive. When you lose weight (regardless of how you do it), the people around you show their true colors, especially those who have weight to lose themselves. A lot of people close to us can't be supportive and encouraging, and that's a shame.

[SummerDream 97]

I'm sorry your husband was in the hospital. I hope all is well.

I completely understand how you feel and it is both hurtful because it's not like we make the surgery decision on a whim, and frustrating because we know all that we have tried or we wouldn't be traveling down the surgery road in the first place. Sounds like your friend expects you to accept being overweight (or worse - wait until you're even heavier before taking action) because others are more overweight than you but I don't see that as being a good enough standard for living your life. There will always be someone who is in better or worse shape than you at any point in your life, who are better at a specific skill than you are - that doesn't mean we give up and just don't try to get better.

I have 3 adult sons and my youngest was the only one who didn't support me and I thought he would've been the one to offer the biggest support since he's in the medical field. I tried making excuses (he's skinny as a rail and never had to worry about losing weight let alone how it's affecting his health). He felt I need to try harder on my "next diet" as if I hadn't been trying for years. Oh, now that I've lost 40 pounds in 2 months and am off a few of my meds he can see the good it's done, but prior to my surgery and right afterward when I really needed the support, I couldn't turn to him. It was definitely disappointing and frustrating.

Look to those who DO support you. You shouldn't have to defend your decision to anyone. Perhaps one day you may be inspiration to others you know who are struggling with weight issues to be more proactive in getting their life back.

[165B445 188]

Misery loves company....

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[Miss Mac 6,261]

You can use this thread about comebacks for inspiration:

http://www.bariatricpal.com/topic/202970-need-comebacks-for-easy-way-out-crack/?hl=%20comebacks

Also, if she remarks again about why don't you just try eating less and exercising, ask her "And how is that working for YOU?"

Tell her: "If you tell me everything you know about bariatric surgery, I will tell you everything I know about bariatric surgery."

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Well, the deal is that during a conversation you get to say how you feel about something and the other person gets to say how they feel about what you just said.

Unless the other person is your therapist.

This is why I haven't told anyone about my WLS other than my husband and two friends who live 1,000 miles away in opposite directions, none of whom would ever try to discourage me from making a health decision I'd researched carefully.

Beats the hell out of listening to crap from people who know absolutely nothing about weight loss surgery.

Tell her: "If you tell me everything you know about bariatric surgery, I will tell you everything I know about bariatric surgery."

Boy, I love that one! Thank you.

[animallover1247 249]

Sorry. Double post

Edited April 9, 2016 by animallover1247

[animallover1247 249]

You are not alone.

There's a friend who I have been friends with my entire life and I am 43. We have been friends since I was in diapers and carrying a baby bottle around.

I have not told her about my surgery becasue she is 100% anti-surgery. This is odd becasue of several reasons. She would likely be classified as super morbidly obese herself. I don't know how much she weighs but I would guess at least 375 but I really believe it would be closer to 400 lbs. She has a long list of medical problems including diabetes, high blood pressure, arthritis, plantar fasciitis, fatty liver, and PCOS. She is on FIVE blood pressure medicines.

She has a brother who had gastric bypass surgery and she states he is not to his goal weight and he had the surgery about 5 years ago. He has been riddled with kidney stones as well (a possible side effect of the surgery). However, he is no longer diabetic. She says having kidney stones and being required to take a bunch of pills the rest of her life is not worth it to her. However, she is a walking pharmacy herself. Makes no sense.

She has another brother who could easily be featured on "My 600 lb Life." His weight is unknown at this time because he has been confined to his house for the last three years. He cannot walk because his knees have given out on him. He is diabetic and has received no care because he can't leave his home. Like the enabling family members on My 600 lb Life, his kids and wife (who are all "skinny") bring him unhealthy foods. His daughter was recently married and he was unable to attend. I told her the only thing that can save him at this point would be bypass. I added "you know he could die any day now." I received no response.

So I have avoided telling her about my surgery and I will NEVER tell her. I've lost 53 lbs pre and post op and she has not said one word to me about it and frankly I am completely fine with it. I hate I felt more comfortable telling my boss than I would her.

I am sorry your friend was not supportive. My advice would be not to say another word to her about it. Life changing events, whether it be weight loss surgery or not, tend to bring out the worse in people.

[mrz.mott 42]

Thank you all for giving me the conversation that I needed to hear. My mom has told me it is probably jealousy, which is probably right. I want to grab life by the horns before it grabs me first.

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[theantichick 2,204]

I have people in my life who run the gamut. My sister had the surgery several years ago, and has been harping on me since that I just *HAVE* to have it. I was on the fence about it until an appointment with a specialist yesterday who said unequivocally, the surgery would have a direct positive impact on my health. Won't cure my situation, but will make it a lot more likely that the meds can work. My mother sees some of the complications my sis had (mostly related to the skin surgery later) and is worried about complications, and thinks I can do it by myself if I just work at it. Like I haven't' been for 30 years, Mom? One of my best friends is anti-surgery and argues against it with reasonable arguments, but doesn't go so far as to criticize me for the decision, and will support me in it. Most of my other close friends are super-supportive, some have already had bypass and are grateful for it, others probably need surgery but aren't in a place to really consider it yet. The one that surprised me is my boss who I talked to about it this morning. She's a very fit person, runs marathons and such. She's sorry I'm having to deal with this, but is super supportive of whatever I need to get healthier. Just telling her what my pulse rate was at the doc's office yesterday after walking less than 5 minutes was enough for her to realize how serious this has gotten for me.

I'm a super open person, and will likely disclose to everyone. Bottom line is they aren't in my position. They don't know the months of research I've put in, or what advice my doctors have given me. They don't know all the pros and cons. They can judge all they want. Sometimes it will be hurtful, I know. But this won't be the first controversial decision I've made in some of their minds, and it won't be the last. They're welcome to their opinion, and if they make it too uncomfortable for me, they lose the benefit of my presence.

I do wish people could be more supportive and understanding in general, though.

[Megall9 268]

I think that our bigger friends are unsupportive because it showcases the changes and hard work that they are unwilling to put in to their own lives. The truth hurts, and they would just rather look the other way than face it.

The only person who hasn't been very supportive to me is a larger friend as well. When I excitedly told her yesterday that I got my surgery date she threw it in my face that I wouldn't have any better success at losing and keeping it off than someone who hadn't had surgery. All my other friends and co workers who are normal sized, or who have been through the procedure themselves, are cheering me on.

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Edited April 13, 2016 by Megall9

[mrz.mott 42]

I think that our bigger friends are unsupportive because it showcases the changes and hard work that they are unwilling to put in to their own lives. The truth hurts, and they would just rather look the other way than face it.

The only person who hasn't been very supportive to me is a larger friend as well. When I excitedly told her yesterday that I got my surgery date she threw it in my face that I wouldn't have any better success at losing and keeping it off than someone who hadn't had surgery. All my other friends and co workers who are normal sized, or who have been through the procedure themselves, are cheering me on.

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That is exactly how I needed to hear it. I want to get myvlife back on track. It's been off for 14 years! Hell, maybe even longer than that. I don't want to live like this forever. I want to be able to have kids. I want all the things that normal sized people get to do, without worrying about weight!

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[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

@Megall9

You do know the research stats, right, comparing long-term success of WLS patients and those who lose it "the old-fashioned way" ... ?

Those who lose it the old-fashioned way (diet / exercise) have a 2 - 5% track record of keeping at least half the weight off.

Those who have WLS have a 50% track record of keeping at least half the weight off.

So -- there you go. WLS is 10 times (or greater) more effective at helping people keep the weight off.

Bam!