To tell or not to tell?

[ready2bloom 6]

To tell or not to tell?

That is the question...

I have yoyo'ed to an extreme measure in my adulthood but never maintained for the long term. I am BMI 40, and those that love me always point out how I "know how to lose weight" since I have lost lots of weight... over and over again... What I don't seem to be able to do is maintain.

I just feel so torn on who to tell. It will be obvious that I am losing, and I have not lost more than 20 pounds at a time in the last few years. (although I have gotten to about 130 pounds twice in my adult life, only to spiral up to (way) over 200 pounds each time.

I have overweight family and friends, and those who will tell me "but your pretty as you are!"

It is not about pretty, and I don't feel pretty anyway...

I am so excited to feel better! Iive in a hot climate, and even in winter I sweat just walking around Kmart. I have clogged ducts under my armpits and cysts where you don't wanna know... My blood pressure is high, and I mostly want to spend all the time I'm not studying (I'm a student) on the couch, instead of getting out of the house and being active with the kids...

That was a tangent... Sorry, lol, I know I'm preaching to the choir.

I guess a final side note would be that My husband and our pre-teen/teen kids moved about 500 miles from most of our (non-judgmental) family and friends so I could go to school, and the only people we know here are family on the more judgmental side.

Who told, or did not tell? why? what were the consequences of each decision?

Thanks guys!!

[KindaFamiliar 3,867]

I...

Told...

EVERYONE!!!

Right up until I had the surgery...

Then I stopped...

Dunno why...

Anyway, I had no negative comments or such thing (to my face at least)...

My mates have all been pretty supportive so I guess I'm lucky...

[Heather I 500]

I'm thinking don't tell. I am a blabber of my business normally and mentioned to three friends I am trying to get the surgery, and they have been nothing but supportive (or quiet,) but I'm keeping my lips uncharacteristically zipped while I try to work through the labyrinth of insurance requirements and wait for a surgery date.

IDK. I'm thinking when I start losing -- I've lost weight before and regained, obviously, but this time I'll keep it off. After I'm successful and stabilized I probably will tell, but until I am there (which seems like a distant fantasy right now,) I'm keeping quiet about it.

Honestly, people are so busy leading their own lives, unless they are horrible gossips with no life (and I have some of those as in-laws,) I don't think they'll notice until it's substantial. I had lost 40 lbs a decade ago (when my starting weight was 50 lbs less than now!) and people didn't notice until I hit 30 lbs!

We, as really heavy people, know our total lbs needed to be lost, and it's big. Unless you clue people in to your starting/end weight/total lbs lost, they will just see you lost "a lot" -- but it's still going to take months to be really noticeable, you know?

My evil SIL lost at LEAST 40 lbs on WW and looks great, but she's such an oppressive bitch, I didn't say boo about it at Christmas. Partly because she IS a bitch who never has anything nice to say to me, and partly because I felt like she'd chew my head off if I complimented her on it and twist it into some sort of insult about her former size. No winning, so I kept my mouth shut.

On the other hand, my aunt, who has been a massive smoker and morbidly obese my entire life, recently decided the past year to get healthy -- and she HAS!!!!! Quit smoking 3 packs a day and has lost at least 120 lbs, eating healthy and sensibly, introducing exercise, eating low carb, etc., etc. She looks AMAZING, and I couldn't wait to compliment her and praise her for quitting smoking and losing weight! I'm so happy for her! She looks so happy and content now.

[Barry W 336]

I tend to be more on the talkie side (for better and for worse), and so far have told people I consider to be on my side in life... among family, friends and coworkers. They have all been supportive. Of course if/when I start losing a lot of weight, I am sure that people will notice and ask how I did it. I will probably come clean but if the person isn't a friend just say I had weight loss surgery and keep the discussion short.. will cross that bridge when I come to it.

[Bufflehead 6,358]

I didn't tell anyone about my plans until right before surgery. Once I had it scheduled, I told my family and closest friends. Everyone was very positive and supportive. Since surgery, I have told anyone who has asked how I am losing weight. Again, nothing but positivity. And as a bonus, two people who asked me have gone on to have sleeve surgery themselves and are doing fantastic. I don't want to be one who perpetuates the cultural myth that anyone can go from morbidly obese to healthy and normal if they just try harder at eating less and moving more.

[Thinny 30]

The only problem with telling is you'll always be known as that person who HAD to have surgery to lose weight. When new people are hired at work or move in the neighborhood, others will say oh year that's Ready2bloom she had wls surgery. It's bad enough the weight loss alone walks in the room before you now tag on you HAD to have surgery.

Might not bother some but I keep my medical issues private. Once you tell it's an invitation to bring it up at anytime. And some hater will constantly remind you that you had surgery. Since you have to start your new life way before surgery, they'll all see you dieting and excising. You can just leave it at that and not discuss.

This is the place to discuss (and support groups)

[JamieLogical 8,684]

I told my husband, my family (parents/siblings who told aunts), my husband's family (parents/siblings/nieces/nephews), and two coworkers initially. I've since told a few more people and I wouldn't lie if anyone asked, but most people don't ask. I have lost large amounts of weight several times in the past, so I think no one would suspect I did anything different this time around until I managed to maintain for a significant period of time. Personally, I kind of wish more people WOULD ask or I could work it into conversation naturally, because I am so happy with my decision and it has worked out so well for me, I wish I could kind of be a walking billboard for WLS. I think society as a whole would benefit from more people being open and honest about their WLS. There are so many misconceptions.

[PayItForward 207]

I tell everyone. I've only had positive results so far.

[PayItForward 207]

The only problem with telling is you'll always be known as that person who HAD to have surgery to lose weight. When new people are hired at work or move in the neighborhood, others will say oh year that's Ready2bloom she had wls surgery. It's bad enough the weight loss alone walks in the room before you now tag on you HAD to have surgery.

Might not bother some but I keep my medical issues private. Once you tell it's an invitation to bring it up at anytime. And some hater will constantly remind you that you had surgery. Since you have to start your new life way before surgery, they'll all see you dieting and excising. You can just leave it at that and not discuss.

This is the place to discuss (and support groups)

IMHO, you may be over thinking this. I don't think people are that interested in what I have done. What about people that have breast implants and other surgeries? People use surgery to change they way they look ever day.

[Thinny 30]

yeah it certainly would vary depending on your life. For me, if i skip carbs in front of people I get questions about whether or not I'm dieting. If I drink a Protein shake in public friends want to know why. if I wasn't overweight I'm sure no one would really notice. But I'm social and I have alot of people around me and they notice stuff. I don't watch what thinner people do but I do notice when someone overweight is doing diet related stuff like eating measuring food. But I don't ask people questions.

And I'm not really the most approachable person but they still find a way to get their questions in. Nosey nellys!

[SalOdyssey 441]

I've been very vocal about my weight loss journey. Hell I even started a public Facebook page about it (see signature bar below).

I had lots of hesitations about going public. Didn't know if I'd have my family and friends support. But when I told everyone, the support was beyond anything I could've thought about. Everyone in my private life, and publicly has been super supportive of me. And frankly, without them I don't know if I could've gotten this far.

There will ALWAYS be doubters and haters, but NEVER let them stop you on your road to success (whatever you define that as). Frankly, it's best to cut those non-supporters out of your life, even family. I was fortunate, that I didn't have to do that. Not everyone is that fortunate. Think long and hard @@ready2bloom and then if or when you want to tell or not, you live with that decision. You and only you have to be comfortable with whatever path you choose.

Best of luck to you!!

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

I told my close friends, but they all live out of state, and don't know each other. I am single, I live own and I work for myself with no real co-workers. I live in area where I don't know anyone.

It is easy for me not to tell anyone because I don't have anyone to tell or anyone that really needs to know. I don't have nosey co-workers. All my neighbors see me walking, all the time.

I think it would be hard to keep it a secret in an office of nosey co-workers.

I read all of the negative things that people are told on here, and honestly the people that have the great positive experiences telling the world, do not balance out with the people that have bad experiences.

I would keep it to myself and I woulld advise anyone having surgery to keep it to themselves.

7 months out I am really glad I didn't tell people. At this point I hardly feel like I had surgery, I just feel like I had a lifestyle change. I would be really annoyed to be forced to talk about my sleeve all the time because people know about it. I once worked with someone who had gastric bypass and even though she was 5 years out, people would still ask her about it at work all the time, especially if we were dining out as a group. 5 years from now I seriously doubt I will want to answer questions about weight loss surgery. I'm not interested in answering those questions now (besides forums obvs)

[ready2bloom 6]

Thank you all for your input!! I think for now I am going to play it by ear, and maybe limit who I tell to my mom, my brother, and my best friend (none of which are local), then play it by ear... I don't want to be dishonest, but I also don't want to stir up family gossip. I agree that it will be awhile before anybody really notices my loss, so I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

You guys rock! Thank you for sharing your experiences with me!

Edited February 24, 2016 by ready2bloom

[bevewhite 25]

I have chosen only to tell a select view ( people I know who have had the surgery). My boss does not even know what I am doing. I decided to just take vacation time instead of medical leave of absence. I know, others will catch on, but i just wanted to be surrounds my people who would cheer be on

[nicksmommy 139]

Some of the people I work with are nosey know it alls. I know I will be judged and hear (most will probably be behind my back tho I'm sure) their uneducated comments and unsolicited advise. I am just finishing up month 2 of my 6 month pre op wait game to get my band out and get a sleeve revision. I originally thought that I was going to say to hell with them, and tell everyone. But the more I think about it, I think I'm going to keep my mouth shut. I only told a couple people about my original band surgery, but am pretty sure it got out there to those I didn't want to know. I was not successful with the band, all the more reason why I want to keep this one quiet. My only issue is how am I going to account for being off work for approximately a month. I know I don't have to tell them anything, but I know the "general conversation" questions will be there and I'd like to have another excuse to use.

Sent from my SM-G900V using the BariatricPal App