I don't know what to do about my judgmental father. He has my blood boiling lately.

[Comicbookguy 26]

I need to vent. These days I don't have really anyone I can talk to about my problems. I don't have any friends I can just call up these days because they all have families and work late so I don't want to be a bother and I don't have a significant other that I can talk to either so you guys are going to hear today's frustrating event. First off I need to explain that I am on SSI and because of that my father has some control over my finances, access to my bank account is one of his "perks". Well, today he noticed a charge on my account from the credit card company because I am slowly paying off a card that he didn't know about and so he confronted me about it and I confessed that I owe about $2,000 in credit card debt and that I don't want to talk about it. He gets uppity and starts huffing and puffing and rolling his eyes and asks "what are did you need to buy? You don't have bills so what the Hell are you doing?" I also currently live with them and have severe anxiety problems so you can imagine how great I am feeling right now. I told him that my debt is none of his business and I don't owe him an explanation but he insists as my money handler he does need to know and then I just ignored him until he went to bed. I have had a lot of problems that I have been getting over and things I did that he doesn't know about or need to because he is very judgmental and holds my past over my head every chance he gets. The truth is back in 2013 through 2014 I made stupid decisions that still haunt me. I met a girl and I really liked her but I couldn't afford to take her out and pay the rent so I stupidly opened a credit card and spent over $1,000 on the credit card over 3 months taking her out, trying to impress her until she got bored of me and left me for another guy I spiraled into a depression and started drinking heavily and binge eating. Over the next year and a half it got worse as close friends of mine got married or engaged and here I was obese and alone. By the time I finally sought help I racked up debt over $3,000. I never told anyone outside of my therapist about my binging and spending habits that went along with it. I made the mistake of telling him about my feelings and feeling helpless before and he just makes fun of me and calls me stupid in so many words. How should I deal with him? What would you do? I can't live walking on egg shells and I can't afford to move out.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

Find a happy place/event in your head and when he goes off, just go to that place and block him out.

Work on a plan to escape that house as soon as you can.

[Valentina 2,642]

Maybe it's time to have family session with your therapist. Since you are an adult living in your father's house, your options seemed to be limited.

It might be time to clear the air. No secrets between father and son. You might just enjoy living without clouds of suspicion over your head and eggshells beneath your feet.

Try it. What could it hurt??

[Comicbookguy 26]

Maybe it's time to have family session with your therapist. Since you are an adult living in your father's house, your options seemed to be limited.

It might be time to clear the air. No secrets between father and son. You might just enjoy living without clouds of suspicion over your head and eggshells beneath your feet.

Try it. What could it hurt??

We tried that before and it didn't help. He has little respect for me and my privacy and he refuses to open up himself. The only thing that ever comes out of his mouth in those situations is pure judgment and him telling me how much smarter he is than me and that I should be more like him. It usually ends in a physical fight. That's why I kept my debt issues a secret from him as long as I have. I have learned my lesson though and have been taking care of it successfully as the amount of debt has shrunk by 1/3 since I tried explaining this to him but he refuses to see the positive action I have taken in trying to right my own wrongs. No "well I'm glad you are doing something about it" it's just a bunch of "are you really that stupid?" and "you are out of your damn mind". Venomous judgement is all that asshole is capable of I am afraid.

[Comicbookguy 26]

He also thinks therapists are con artists. In fact he thinks everyone is a con artist and he thinks the world is out to get him. He has money issues himself but it doesn't stop him from going to the bar 4 nights a week and the casino every month.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

Pointing out your father's gambling and drinking will get you nowhere. Don't waste valuable time on "Oh, yeah? Well, what about what you do....?" It's unlikely that he'll change. You'll do better to focus on solutions.

Are you able to work at something now? It sounds as though you were working until a year or two ago. If there is a solid reason that you're unable to work in a traditional capacity, you can brainstorm for alternates that will allow you to move out. One possibility, though not so easily found, I'd think, is to have a room in someone's home in exchange for certain services to be agreed upon. Someone who travels a lot may prefer not leaving an empty house, having a dog-walker and mail bringer-in, lawn-waterer, etc. You can start by scouring Craigslist and similar sites for opportunities and ideas. You can post your own notice. Ask people you know to alert you to anything they may come across.

I don't understand why your father has access to your bank account. Is that a requirement for SSI?

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

I had a parent like this when I was younger. If people haven't had a parent like this, they won't understand.

You can do nothing to change him and it isn't your job to. The fact you said he won't do counseling says a lot, I know the type.

All you can do is try to minimize the damage they do to you, that is why I said find a happy place and go there. Work on this happy place daily, so when your Dad goes off, you can easily pull it up and escape there.

Keep focused on losing weight and find a way out of the house. Don't look on cragislist for places to stay. Can you find a social worker? I know Michigan slashed the budget on most social services but see if you can find someone to help you at the SSI office. Also just so you can move out, try to get on section 8 or something. If you are on disability, that should help move you up the list.

[Comicbookguy 26]

Yes, it is a requirement and the reason I am on SSI is due to learning disabilities. I have mild Asperger's and chronic depression as well as other mental issues. I also am physically disabled from my weight and psoriatic arthritis. I've been out of work now for about 7 years. I'd like to work but I will never be able to do manual labor that involves heavy lifting.

[Comicbookguy 26]

delete

Edited February 11, 2016 by Comicbookguy

[Comicbookguy 26]

I had a parent like this when I was younger. If people haven't had a parent like this, they won't understand.

You can do nothing to change him and it isn't your job to. The fact you said he won't do counseling says a lot, I know the type.

All you can do is try to minimize the damage they do to you, that is why I said find a happy place and go there. Work on this happy place daily, so when your Dad goes off, you can easily pull it up and escape there.

Keep focused on losing weight and find a way out of the house. Don't look on cragislist for places to stay. Can you find a social worker? I know Michigan slashed the budget on most social services but see if you can find someone to help you at the SSI office. Also just so you can move out, try to get on section 8 or something. If you are on disability, that should help move you up the list.

That's my plan eventually but I have to get a vehicle first. So that's what I am working at right now. Paying off my debt slowly and setting aside some money for a car. I had around $1,000 saved up until my parents got hit with unexpected bills and since my dad has control over my money he used it and said he would pay me back but it's been over a year since then. I am not holding my breath.

[FrankyG 1,450]

Oh hun, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Having someone belittle and control you is a horrible place to be in. You should definitely discuss this all with your therapist and ask for help getting out of there and getting your father out of your life and bank accounts. If you didn't have him, they'd assign a court appointed neutral party, so maybe that's what you should be pursuing right now.

Ask for help as soon as you can, as what you're describing sounds like an abusive situation (verbal abuse for sure, and the fact that he stole money from your accounts means he is definitely not the right person to be helping you).

Family is supposed to help and lift you up, if they aren't doing that, then you cut them out of your life, or at the very least you distance yourself and remove any possible control they have over you. Just because you're related, doesn't mean you should put up with poor treatment. Getting out of that living situation and removing your father from your accounts would probably go a long way to making you feel better about yourself and make it a bit easier to work on your own progress.

Lots of hugs and good thoughts your way. Take care of yourself!!

[MichiganChic 3,262]

The reason your father has control of your finances is because he is supposed to ensure the money is managed properly, and you have what you need for your care. If he is unable to do that, maybe there is someone else who can help you? Contact your local social security office, or work through your therapist to set up a different arrangement.

[Djmohr 6,965]

I am so very sorry that you are in this situation. At one time in my life my exe husband was abusive and controlling. The only way out was to get away from him and remove that control. That of course sounds so darn easy but as you know it is not.

I would definately speak to your therapist or a social worker to see if they can help you get into a different living situation where you have control of your finances and don't have to take this verbal abuse. I do hope there is not physical abuse as well.

Stay strong!

[IncredibleShrinkingMan 437]

You owe him no response about the therapist. If you have your own money and can manage on your own, just the fact that you are living there doesn't mean he is entitled to information and to manage everything. If he feels otherwise, he could've kicked you out by now. He hasn't, so it is tacit approval with no strings attached. In fact, start desensitizing him to it now...draw lines in the sand and declare that he isn't entitled to every piece of information he wants. And please, once you get it together, even if you accomplish all these things while living there, MOVE OUT. A little added stress and self-reliance is worth not living in a toxic environment for.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

I am so sorry you are in such a tough place. I understand the need to vent.

All I can do is send hugs and suggest you talk to your therapist or counselor. Be rigorously honest honest with yourself and your therapist about what is going on.

You also might want to consider checking out a good 12-step recovery program. Based on your post you might benefit from Overeater's Anonymous, Debtors Anonymous, Gambler's Anonymous, or even Codependent's Anonymous. Have you talked about this with your therapist?

I wish you the best of luck and keep us posted on how you are doing.