My spouse of close to 40 years was diagnosed with Bi-Polar II about four years ago. She always had some major mood ups and downs, and was challenging at times to live with, but five years ago, it started to get worse and her ability to function dropped rapidly, hurting her quality of life. She is an artist, but increasingly did not do art, was unable to share running of the house, and was unable to be an intimate partner in any way, and with her depression, even most affection is now gone. She has sought treatment aggressively, but has made no progress, has seen the best people in our state and is very compliant with all medical help. She and I both agree that she just finished the worst year of her life, and she is very unhappy. She is not actively suicidal, but has little motivation to live. I am a mental health professional (retired pretty much) so I know the basic drill. My coping has been to focus on gratitude for her strengths, such as her tenacity to seek treatment, and her love of art. I also focus on being unconditionally accepting of who she is, what she is, and to show her a life without constant disapproval. I work hard to keep some big positives in my life through volunteer work and by maintaining our small organic farm, and I have a couple of men friends to hang out with whom I can talk about real things with. I am very glad for that.

She did support my WLS due to approaching health problems on my part, and is very relieved that almost all my health problems are now gone, but she is primarily glad that she did not lose her care giver, and increasingly I am her caregiver more than her husband. I am nine months post by pass and have had great results, and have killed most of the bad habits, actively working on the rest.

However, this post is about looking for any tips or thoughts about keeping focused on my weight loss. It is sometimes so overwhelming to live with such a high maintenance person (I know this is not a strengths-based term but she is incredibly demanding and draining to be with due to her level of mental illness), I just lose focus on my plan. I don't binge, I don't eat horrible things, I keep losing although more slowly now, but I do slip on exercise goals. What I really lose is motivation and I know this will hurt my chances of permanent maintenance after the two year mark. I really miss physical touch, I miss having a partner to manage life, and I miss having someone to share with. I would never cheat on her (never have) but lately have been craving female contact, and have thought about cultivating some female platonic friends. I have thought about maybe getting someone to give me some respite so I can take a trip by myself, but she freaks out at that idea. So, any tips? Any thoughts?

Thanks for the continuing tips. I work with a faith-based network (volunteer network) and know the mental health resources in the area.

Like many people with mental illness, she is in significant denial about her level of illness. I have encouraged her to reach out via volunteer work and community involvement, but it does not (never) happen. As a psychologist, I know that one's best and worst quality are often the same behavior, and this is true for her. She has fought against being labeled, and has tried to deal with her mental illness through denial. After she got a formal diagnosis, she finally admitted that she had bipolar II, but still is in significant denial -- for example, I do almost 100% of managing the house -- almost all cooking, generate all income, do all cleaning; all outside farm work, pay all bills; but in her mind because she empties the dishwasher, it is an equal distribution. I understand that she does not want to "give in" but the stress level for me is difficult -- she will not accept in-home help. She will not participate in healthy community life, and no one can make her.

Also, thanks for the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill suggestion. I have worked with NAMI for many years, they are a great resource, but have not reached out to the local chapter, which I will do. Great suggestion.

It's a very challenging life, as you know. I'm glad you have much insight because of your profession. So many are completely in the dark when it comes to mental illness.

Congratulations on your weight loss! May 2016 be a better year for you...all around.

Edited January 4, 201610 yr by bugsy72

@@VDB

The name of an organization that had slipped my mind woke me during the night: Mood Disorders Support Group, founded 1981 in NYC. Primarily serves people with bi-polar. The website includes links to resources around the country, one of which may surprise you geographically, be able to make solid suggestions to benefit both you and your wife, or trigger some other ideas in your mind.

http://www.mdsg.org/

If your wife knows that you're looking around for options and you think it appropriate to say so, please let her know that there are strangers who care specifically about her and are rooting for a turnaround.

I am rooting for both of you.

It has got to be exhausting.

Even though she won't accept in-home help, it sounds like you are the one who needs that help the most. I hope you can find a solution before you collapse from exhaustion.

Keep us updated on how we can help.

I can relate @@VDB

It isn't easy, but sometimes we just have to ensure they are safe and then be selfish and look after our own self interests....getting healthy and remaining focused on behaviors that support this.

As a mental health professional, this might be obvious to you, but it was a real learning for me.

I was in a long term live in relationship with a wonderful man for over a decade. We didn't fight, but neither of us was living the life we wanted, neighter in finding the intimacy, professional sucess or personal happiness. After losing weight I finally had the courage to force change which in the end... ended the relationship. This was a few years ago and we remain friends.

What I didn't realize until being free of my obesity, and being more distant from him that we both suffered from quite severe anxiety. We had a codependant relationship in the sense that he often comforted my anxiety while he hid his. It was not good.

So, your situation is different, but where I am going with this is sometimes having a chance to understand yourself better helps alot with coping with another. Due to our shared interests in my grown sons, family pets etc I still see my EX alot. I have managed to figure out how to do that without triggering our co-dependant anxiety dance.

As a result, I am finally "unstuck" from alot of things in my life that I was going in circles on before. He seems alot better too, but true to pattern will never talk about it.

I guess any of us with major food/bad lifestyle habits has SOME KIND of underlying issue that we are self medicating for. for me, getting to the root of "why" has helped me alot with successful maintanance.Years of counseling never got me to this because my anxiety was dulled/managed by my obesity, overeating and a partner who somehow kept me spinning in those same circles and thinking it was normal and rational when it wasn't. Highly functioning persons such as ourselves become masters at that and no counselor or doctor EVER mentioned anxiety as my underlying problem, because I don't have alot of the more obvious signs I guess.

Anyway, with the theme of self care being very important I wonder if there is value in seeing yourself, your own issues with food and obesity for what it is... figuring out what YOU NEED to survive and thrive and then answering the question how do you continue living with a person you clearly love and value, but has significant mental health issues.

Thanks all of you. I had avoided posting on this topic for some months, but I finally asked for some tips, and your input has been very helpful

The bottom line is that I can't accept any excuse I can create to avoid finishing this weight loss. Stress eating is stupid, I have come a long ways, and it is time to go the last leg. I think that overall I need to dump any guilt about my life vs. hers -- As Dub says, I have to take care of myself if I am going to help her. Yes, as Cowgirl says, it causes alot of anxiety, although not at the clinical level for me, but this level of care giving is stressful, period.

Great ideas, very very useful to this old shrink.

I'm sorry that you are dealling with this I know somewhat how difficult it can be. My grown son moved back in with me a year ago due to CHF and he is very draining. Do you have children or a relative that would like to come over and spend the day with your wife from time to time? If you live in a large city there should be support groups for Bipolar spouses or Codependents Anon. I've found that the CODA groups to be very helpful. As for intimacy many of the medications that she is taking have contributed to that issue maybe you could talk with her doctor about that. I hope you find some much needed respite.

@@VDB The point of my post wasn't intended to be about anxiety... what I was really driving at is the theme that everyone shared - that self care is SO important. I think you feel that this situation triggers stress eating for you, and maybe getting to the bottom of THAT issue is what my help you on your own personal health improvement journey.

Speaking for myself, I can find reasons to overeat pretty regularly - ha - but part of my own personal transformation is to understand that an find (hopefully) healthier ways to cope.

My example with my anxiety is to point out that I didn't even know I suffered from it until the masks were slowly peeled away....I have had to face this because I was mislabeling my own experience for quite some time...

I also think that there are reasonable ways to be treated - and unreasonable ways. I completely agree and admire your committment to your son; keeping things together for his sake has alot of value. Even so, there must be some "limit" to the BS you should have to endure. I know it is really complicated, but it is like when my son when through an angry period growing up, it was "okay to express it, but not okay to do XXX" sort of thing. Maybe that isn't possible with a person with such bad emotional /mental state but those were my thoughts.

I don't always use the right words, no intention to be offensive or disrespectful to your wife.... I just know that i have to set limits of how people treat me or else I go back to those old BAD coping mecanisms.... they are pretty deeply ingrained.

(I had a very abusive father and anxiety ridden mother and learned my numbing techniques as a child. I picked overeating and obesity to help me cope but didn't even know I had done that!)

@@VDB - My ex was hospitalized twice for suicidal idolization. While she was diagnosed bi-polar, I am convinced she's really a BPD (borderline personality disorder). To see what that horror looks like see: https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Conditions/Borderline-Personality-Disorder

I worked with her for five years which included taking care of four kids, maintaining my job, doing all the meals and clean up. She slowly but surly closed me out of personal contacts, tried to keep me at home. Toward the end I realized I was being manipulated into virtual isolation.

Getting divorced was not an easy decision...I took my vows seriously and wanted to stay together in sickness and health. Mental illness is just as real as cancer, but leaving a cancer patient seems cruel, and I struggled with my self motivations for a long time.

I realized I needed the divorce for self defense because my blood work was getting worse every physical. My marriage was literally killing me. So I know the challenge, and I decided it was more important for me to be there for my kids for the long haul.

Good luck.

@@OKCPirate - thanks for sharing, a lot of what you said sounded very familiar.

@@VDB Old shrinks make the worst patients? I try to spend some of my therapy time helping my therapist and give him time to vent. We have similar life experiences that I know my discussion is going to trigger some memories/experiences in him. I want him to last for the long haul so I gladly give up some of my time to let him get clear.

Thanks all of you. I had avoided posting on this topic for some months, but I finally asked for some tips, and your input has been very helpful

The bottom line is that I can't accept any excuse I can create to avoid finishing this weight loss. Stress eating is stupid, I have come a long ways, and it is time to go the last leg. I think that overall I need to dump any guilt about my life vs. hers -- As Dub says, I have to take care of myself if I am going to help her. Yes, as Cowgirl says, it causes alot of anxiety, although not at the clinical level for me, but this level of care giving is stressful, period.

Great ideas, very very useful to this old shrink.

Believe me, OKCPirate, old shrinks know how to fool themselves, having learned from the best of the patients over the years! I am an expert in this! But overall, those things are slipping away, replaced by health and a much much smaller me. I am about to slip under 300 pounds for the first time since 1972.... wahoo!

@@OKCPirate I'm sorry to hear about the struggles. I have so much respect for you for taking such great care of your kiddos. I can't imagine how touch it must have been to do all you did. You are a good man!!

My sister is suicidal. I say is because she has tried it, has since gotten a lot better, but I am not fooled into thinking it will never happen again.

You said you thought your ex wife could have BPD. Did she have a traumatic childhood? I am just curious. I have always had a strong interest in mental disorders, thus, majoring in psychology, then changing it to a minor and certification to teach it.

I am just thrilled that you are truly happy now.