My spouse of close to 40 years was diagnosed with Bi-Polar II about four years ago. She always had some major mood ups and downs, and was challenging at times to live with, but five years ago, it started to get worse and her ability to function dropped rapidly, hurting her quality of life. She is an artist, but increasingly did not do art, was unable to share running of the house, and was unable to be an intimate partner in any way, and with her depression, even most affection is now gone. She has sought treatment aggressively, but has made no progress, has seen the best people in our state and is very compliant with all medical help. She and I both agree that she just finished the worst year of her life, and she is very unhappy. She is not actively suicidal, but has little motivation to live. I am a mental health professional (retired pretty much) so I know the basic drill. My coping has been to focus on gratitude for her strengths, such as her tenacity to seek treatment, and her love of art. I also focus on being unconditionally accepting of who she is, what she is, and to show her a life without constant disapproval. I work hard to keep some big positives in my life through volunteer work and by maintaining our small organic farm, and I have a couple of men friends to hang out with whom I can talk about real things with. I am very glad for that.

She did support my WLS due to approaching health problems on my part, and is very relieved that almost all my health problems are now gone, but she is primarily glad that she did not lose her care giver, and increasingly I am her caregiver more than her husband. I am nine months post by pass and have had great results, and have killed most of the bad habits, actively working on the rest.

However, this post is about looking for any tips or thoughts about keeping focused on my weight loss. It is sometimes so overwhelming to live with such a high maintenance person (I know this is not a strengths-based term but she is incredibly demanding and draining to be with due to her level of mental illness), I just lose focus on my plan. I don't binge, I don't eat horrible things, I keep losing although more slowly now, but I do slip on exercise goals. What I really lose is motivation and I know this will hurt my chances of permanent maintenance after the two year mark. I really miss physical touch, I miss having a partner to manage life, and I miss having someone to share with. I would never cheat on her (never have) but lately have been craving female contact, and have thought about cultivating some female platonic friends. I have thought about maybe getting someone to give me some respite so I can take a trip by myself, but she freaks out at that idea. So, any tips? Any thoughts?

Sorry you are going through this. Remember how the flight attendant demonstrates how to put on your oxygen mask so that you can then help others? Take care of yourself so that you can help your wife. I would get someone to come in a few times a week and then go do something you enjoy. Your wife may not like it, but I think if you transition slowly she will be okay. Have the person come visit first while you're there and then just leave briefly to go to the store. Gradually increase the time gone. As far as intimate, platonic touch why don't you take some dance lessons? I did this when my husband and I were separated for several years and it was very comforting. No affair, but fun and intimacy with the opposite sex in a safe setting. I was in no way an aspiring dancer, and truthfully the owner of 2 left feet, but it was satisfying. Also, have you read a book called "Brain Maker" by Dr. David Perlmutter? He makes a very strong connection between how our brain works and having healthy gut bacteria. Just a thought.

Being a full time caregiver can easily drain you. Sometimes you just need a break to recharge your batteries.

Recently I began experimenting with the medicinal properties of essential oils. Some of the formulas work and others don't, so its a little bit hit and miss. But the following is a formula for bipolar disorder per Dr. Scott Johnson. It is not recommended to replace her current medical treatment only supplement it.

This is to be applied topically (to the skin) not orally.

Apply 1 drop each of frankincense, cedar wood, sandalwood, spruce and lavender essential oil to the base of the skull and behind the ears (2 to 4 times per day).

Apply 2 or 3 drops of helichrysum essential oil over the liver (1 to 3 times daily).

Apply 5 drops of orange and 2 drops of lemon essential oil to the bottom of the feet (3 times daily).

If I was going to experiment with the oils, I would probably add a drop of Passion Flower essential oil to the first one at least once per day.

You are not alone. I have the same issues with a spouse who additionally has had a major stroke. I also have a child (adult) with similar problems. It is very hard to have the energy left to focus on your own needs. For 4 yrs after his stroke I just cared for him and got fatter. Then one day I said "enough" it was time I did something for me. It was his stroke not mine (though it often does not feel that way). I had researched WLS yrs ago but neither my husband nor his therapist were for the idea and I let it go. This year I relooked at the WLS info and did not ask or discuss it with him but told him I was going to do it. It was for me and my health first and foremost. Being able to remain healthy and take care of him was secondary in my mind. Now I see how being healthier and happier in most instances benefits us both. Strangely he was for the idea when I wasready to do it this year. No idea why he changed his mind.

I am now having some thoughts of needing/wanting to do some things on my own and am wondering how that would affect our relationship. Only trying it out will answer that one.

I try and get in a walk every day. He can sit in the car and wait or stay at home. I take some time each morning before he gets up to do what I enjoy without distraction. It may not be long but it helps. I have recently started thinking about getting back into meditating to help with the stress. Much as I wanted a marriage where I had a true partner it has not turned out that way. Now it helps to keep reminding myself it is my life as well as a shared one. I hope you understand that. So I have to do some things for me. That includes eating things that he will not eat and if what he gets to eat is simple (due to my cooking two meals) he has to deal with it. I am not at maintainance yet and like you will appreciate any help and strategies others are able to share.

Thank you for starting this thread. With your professional background you could verse what needed to be said so much better than I could have.

@@VDB,

I am so very sorry that you are going through this and for such a long period of time.

Although my husband and I have not been intimate for a very very long time due to mostly my health issues, we do find other ways to simply just touch. (I have a very bad back and he is terrified he will hurt me)

We find other ways to feel intimate with one another. Holding hands, caressing one another and just simply being best friends. I will say, I think I miss sex more than he. Especially since I have lost so much weight. I remember how there was no way I wanted to be intimate when I was 135lbs heavier. He on the other hand is morbidly obese and I believe that is impacting his libido.

It sounds like you are a very patient man and your wife is very very lucky to have you. Hopefully she does appreciate you.

The reality is, you have to take care of yourself. That means you have to get out and take some time to help yourself get healthy too, both in a physical sense as well as mental sense. Maybe a gym membership where you leave the house a few times a week? That would give you some time to yourself and begin to break in the idea of some alone time for you.

Your wife needs to understand that you have to remain healthy if she wants you to be present for her as well. Have you talked to her about your feelings regarding touch? Or is that not something you can approach with her?

I know that is easier said than done but you have to start somewhere. It is time for you to be a little selfish. You have spent a lot of time giving, now it is time to give back to yourself.

I wish you the best of luck and I really hope things get better.

@@VDB, as your wife's love of art hasn't evaporated, she might respond to the idea of a day treatment program that includes studio facilities of some sort. Her taking part in such a program may lead her to reconnect with her strengths and joys and, at the same time, provide respite for you. If she sees the solution for respite that you proposed as abandonment, a program for her might look quite different.

I understand that you're familiar with treatment, but as the husband in this topic, you may be overlooking something. As a non-professional in the field, I wonder if your wife's doctor has considered adjusting her meds dosage or augmenting with another?

@@VDB thank you for posting your story, you are taking care of yourself by doing so and you are not alone. Sounds like you are using your skills: being grateful, trying to come from a strength perspective, focusing on your own self-care plans when possible.

I hope you acknowledge how well you are doing within this context - you've made major changes in your life while also giving unconditional love to your wife and being a caregiver.

My husband is not bipolar yet is depressed and has PTSD which is really triggered right now because of his brother dying suddenly and tragically last month. Couple this with my VSG in April, gallbladder out in October and during this time I have been running my non-profit full time and am in a full-time masters program.

I really related to your post as it has been a struggle to take care of myself during all of this - and you named the main ways I have been able to do so. I just wanted to highlight two things - mindfulness and self compassion have really supported this process for me.

Mindfulness practice helps me identify feelings more quickly as with so much going on I need to process and let things go quickly or I get overwhelmed. Self-compassion practice gives me the support and nurturance I need to keep moving forward and nurturing my husband, my family, my staff and those we serve.

You inspire me and again appreciate you sharing, may 2016 be more balanced for you and your wife.

Thank you for posting this. I sympathize with you. I have a sister who has been off her meds for more than 10 years. Currently she is functioning but she is in complete denial and refuses help. Her mood swings are horrendous. In the past I felt like a prisoner and eating was my only comfort. I am 6 weeks post-op and it is definitely a struggle, realizing it is their sickness not yours. We have a right to a beautiful, rich and rewarding life, even if someone close to us is sick.

I too am dealing with an adult son who lives at home with a drug problem. he was placed in a rehab facility, court ordered, on the 22nd of December. i have been struggling since he was arrested in Aug 2015. it is a disease and as his only living parent I feel the sole responsibility to help him.

my weight loss has stalled, stopped, etc. I am not focused and it's hard to do that when you feel all of your energy, focus, is on their well being.

I was reminded yesterday to use this time (rehab) to get my own personal health both mentally and physically so that when he is released (July/Sept) I will be strong enough to not be an enabler.

bipolar disorder can be very erratic, like drug use.

I recommend getting some time for you and seeing a support group. I am going to a NA or AA meeting today. I cannot do this alone I know my weight gain was in part related to his legal issues.

Thanks to everyone for sharing your experiences. Such wonderful support! I have learned some good lessons from reading all of your stories and tips. Foremost, I have to increase my time away from the direct caregiving role. I live in a very rural area without day programs or formal respite, but building in daily time alone is possible. I have a wonderful lab pup who is a joy, and his affection and companionship is a bright spot in every day. Like several of you, I do mourn the loss of my "normal" relationship (not totally sure anything is normal) with my wife and the dominance of the caregiver relationship over the husband relationship.

I have talked with her about the possibility of intimate time, cuddling (sex is likely never happening) but she has a wall of armor that she cannot drop. I know this is self-protection. People with mental illness often build walls around themselves just to survive, and realistically there is no possibility of that changing.

Your stories of sticking with your health were inspiring. I love the analogy of putting my air mask on first, just like on planes. It is so true. I know without me, and my care giving, she would have a much more difficult life. In any big city, the homeless mentally ill are everywhere -- those without support. I show my love for her through this support.

What is clear, and the biggest lesson, is that I have used this stress as an excuse for overeating, for slips, and for backsliding that may eventually ruin my substantial weight loss and keep me from reaching my goal. Stress eating.... an old story for me. I have some great alternatives that are helping. Swimming, walking the lab twice a day, gardening, music, writing, and asking for support.

THANKS! There are many of us who are choosing health, and getting the WLS was/will be an undeniable huge step. I feel so much better.

Edited January 2, 201610 yr by VDB

@@VDB, I wish you well and hope that some new options materialize in your hinterlands.

Ever hopeful, is it possible that you live in reasonable distance from a hospital that has just an art therapy program? Just throwing it out there.

No art therapy program, great idea though!!!

I just wanted to reach out and let you know I sympathize and feel for your challenges. You have already received some great advice and encouragement.

I also want to encourage you to explore your options for assistance, respite care, and other resources.

Even though you are in a rural area, there may still be services that you aren't aware of. You may need to even check at the State level to see what options there may be.

I live in a small town surrounded by a lot of rural/farm communities and we do have some resources although not as many as a larger city. And, since our state is predominantly rural, there are a lot of services provided at the county level.

You may also want to consider seeing what local churches have by way of resources (both formal and informal). Even if it is having someone who can come by periodically to stay while you go out, a local church may know just the person to help.

Keep asking questions and exploring options and you may be surprised what you uncover.

Best of luck and keep us posted on how you are doing.

@@VDB

@@Inner Surfer Girl's last note said it, but I want to throw in a tad more. Your wife's illness and its effect on you is too important to leave anything unstated.

Doesn't every county have a mental health dept. or a health dept with MH under its umbrella?

As a side note, I just saw a notice in my church's newsletter that said the church has medical equipment to lend (like walkers, scooters, etc.). That is something I wouldn't have thought of before, but obviously someone had. You never know what kind of resources are out there until you start looking!

@@VDB

Thank you so much for your vulnerability in sharing this need. Have you heard of NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness)? Check out their website at www.nami.com

It is for the families of mentally ill loved ones, providing education and support. Hubby and I are monthly support group leaders and also teach the free NAMI "Family to Family" course once a year (take it if you ever get the opportunity!).

We have a 27 year old daughter with bipolar and aspergers syndrome. It's been a challenging life in raising her. However, we finally found a medication that is working miraculously well for her, and in addition, she met a young man (with disabilities as well) and they got married in Feb. 2015! In addition, in April they were able to move to my mom's tiny house as she had to go live in a nursing home at that time. So...within a few months, we found a great med for her, she got married, and moved away from our home. We had given up home that any of that would happen.

Thus, I am taking this time...every second of it!..for ME, ME, ME! I had RNY on December 1, and am so thankful for it! It feels so good to be able to focus on my needs for awhile, even though I realize, with her mental illness, that things may not always be this good. She could return home at some point. So....I live for today. One Day at a Time!

My faith is also extremely helpful to me, and the support I receive from my church family.

AND yes, my doggies help my attitude quite a bit as well!

I think you're on the right track. I'm glad that you can know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE....there are many who can empathize with some of the challenges you are going through. Good luck!