Surgery on Dec 23, I have a cold and un-supportive husband

[CravingABetterMe 15]

I'm still doubting myself and whether I should cancel my surgery, which is in 4 days.

My husband says I don't need it because i've gone from 224 to 186 on my own this year. Im 5'2".

I cried half the night last night because of some of the things he said. Like, "it's not like you can return it or sell it if it doesn't work"

"you're not excercising every day," "you have commitment issues," "you've done good so far, why not jut keep going?"

He is still willing to go with me to the hospital and stay until i'm in recovery. But he has no faith in me. Which makes me have little faith in myself.

I am so afraid, but instead of trying to make me feel better anf telling me it will all be ok... I get nothing.

And he is right, I do have commitment issues.

I don't know if i can exercise every single day. I lied to my doctor and said that I was. I've been so stressed about this surgery and sick for most of November that I hardly worked out at all.

Now I don't know if I can/should go through with it.

I almost hope that my cold doesn't go away so the surgery can get cancelled. I can't afford next years health deductible to be able to reschedule it. Then he won't feel like i'm holding it over his head. But i'll still feel like I failed at completing yet another thing.

My face is so stuffed up that I sort of feel drunk. I don't know what to even ask here.

Any comments are welcome.

(oh yeah, I have 2 kids, 8 & 3, and no family in this state, or any good friends to look to for support) Though the family would have the same mentality and my husband.

[FrankyG 1,450]

Your husband is (excuse my profanity) a complete asshat.

I know I've lost lots of weight over the years using all manner of diets. And I've regained every damned bit of weight after as well.

This surgery is a tool to help you get control of your eating habits, allowing you to relearn how to eat healthy and create an entirely new lifestyle if done properly. It is not a fad or a diet - it is a total life change. Your relationship with food is forever altered. So if you weren't already aware of that, then I guess it might be something to think about.

But the fact is, no one exercises every day. No one eats perfectly every single day. This isn't a sign of lack of commitment; it's a sign of being human. But using the sleeve, you'll lose the gnawing hunger, and the ability to eat large quantities and also for about a year's time, you'll lose the overwhelming desire to eat really bad stuff. This gives you a chance to change up everything. You should become better at making healthy choices overall, so that the indulgence of a small slice of cake or a few Cookies every once in a while don't do anything to your weight. Or feel well enough to get out there and walk or ride a bike or go play a sport several times a week. You might even get to enjoy certain activities to the point where they don't even feel like you're exercising. That's the goal - and with this surgery, it is achievable.

He is a jerk for being so unsupportive. He is a jerk for not understanding that carrying large amounts of weight around is only going to increase your health issues as you get older, and he is a total jerk for trying to make you feel like a failure before you've even tried. Just because you've lost some weight now doesn't mean you will be able to keep it off long term, and you are giving up on yourself because he's basically put you down enough to where you feel like it is a given that you will fail at this too. And that is the biggest jerk move of all.

Even if you do give up on this surgery, you need to sit down and really examine the relationship where your husband is so unsupportive of something that is meant to improve your health and well being. It might be that he is scared something bad might happen, or it might be that he is upset that you might get better to the point where you might leave him or some other insecurity he has that makes him project his fears and anger at you. Because that sounds like a really crappy relationship to have, and I would be super pissed off at my spouse if he acted that way.

All of this should have all be discussed and worked out months ago - when you first started this whole weight loss journey. He should not be freaking out and making you feel awful just days before your surgery. And that is why I say he's being a complete asshat - because he is so small and petty as to basically tear you down right when you need him to be there for you - no matter what his reasoning is for doing so.

Big hugs, and I hope you can have a real conversation with him regarding his attitude and what you need from him and he actually hears what you're saying. And good luck with whatever you decide... but I do hope you are able to move forward.

Edited December 20, 2015 by FrankiesGirl

[NYGirlxo 25]

It sounds to me, and this is just my observation, that you're upset because this IS something that you want. And you're willing to put that to the side because of your husbands disapproval. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Let me just start by saying that you ARE A STRONG WOMAN. Sometimes, and I know this is hard to do, you need to be "selfish" and think about what's best for you. Honestly, at the end of the day it's YOUR body and YOUR health. Don't ever let someone hold you back from being the best YOU you can be. As long as you believe in yourself nothing else matters .. And when things get tough and you start to doubt yourself ( because you're human and that's perfectly Ok ) know that EVERY ONE HERE BELIEVES IN YOU. I know I sure as hell do. At the end of the day you and only you will need to live with your decision. You deserve this! Don't let anyone tell you differently. You will be just fine! Your husband doesn't necessarily have to agree with your decision but he should at least support you because he loves you. Try sitting down with him and letting him know this is something you're serious about and you would at least appreciate his support. If that doesn't work then just tell him you're sorry he feels that way and focus on you! You can do this!! There's a saying that I love that says " When faced with a hard decision .. Toss a coin.. The truth will always come out in that split second that the coin is in the air.. You'll find yourself hoping it lands on a certain side"

HUGS to you. I know everything will fall into place for you. Remember to grow through what you go through. Communication is always key.. Everything will be ok xoxo

Edited December 21, 2015 by NYGirlxo

[lmm300missouri 95]

Have your SURGERY! You had a great start on your own but keeping it off is the tough part. I made my GOAL weight yesterday and I want that for you. Like you I actually lost weight during my 6 months insurance waiting period. So I wondered, but I had gained and lost a zillions time. I had surgery August 19 and hit 140 yesterday from 229 and 5'4" very similar to you. My husband was supportive most of the time but kind of panicked the last week. It is to be expected in some ways, they are men. I'm sure he is worried about what life changes HE can expect. But that is his problem not yours.

I don't workout every day, I feel this is a life change not I diet for me. I feel I can have 1-3 small bites of anything but I always stop at three and certainly not often. Sometimes when I take a workout break for 3-4 days my body drops pounds.

Bless you and have a safe journey.

[Margie122 845]

Have the surgery. I lost 39lbs before surgery and I had the "if you lost weight without it why do you need it" comments too. I think my family was just scared of me having surgery. It's not something to take lightly. I told them I had lost weight before but always gained it back plus some.

Don't lie to your doctor. Try to get some sort of activity in every day. As you lose weight it gets soooooo much easier to do! You will be able to do so much more with your kids.

And when your husband says you have commitment issues tell him you committed to him and your kids and you want to be around for a long time to be with them! ????

Best of luck. You got this.

[CravingABetterMe 15]

Thank you ladies for the support =) It really means a lot!

Imm300missouri, congratulations on getting to your goal! How were you able to do it so fast??!

[Sharon1964 2,530]

I was going to go with "douchecanoe" but "asshat" works also.

[Finally_Lost_It 13]

Maybe he's scared you'll lose the rest of the weight and get more confident and thus less easily manipulated. In other words, I'm saying have the surgery!

Edited December 21, 2015 by Finally_Lost_It

[Blamo 35]

This is from a guys point of view...

It sounds like he has the issues. Insecure? Manipulative? But certainly unsupportive. Or at the very least not supporting you in the right way.

I will give him credit for acknowledging (barely) what you DID accomplish......which was no easy task for any of us. Like the rest of us, you need this surgery to complete your loss. It works and is worth it. Do it and enjoy the results.

As said before, no one works out every day, I don't. It's better not to lie to the doctors or nutritionist but I can understand....I might have exaggerated my activity level once or twice.

Let us know in four.....now three days. It might be the best decision you will ever make.

[aball 11]

have the surgery, your confidence and self respect go way up afterwards not to mention if you have any health problems they usually resolve themselves right after surgery. You will not regret it.

[cielo260 4]

[ocgirl15 667]

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I am you in so many ways, 5'0 ft and started at 212. No local family, 2 kids. Big difference is my husband is not a jerk. He didn't say much at all positive or negative. I can bet he would have preferred I forgot this idea But he kept those doubts to himself. He knows I am logical person and did all my homework to get to surgery day. Btw we all have commitment issues with exercising and avoiding food. That's not a reason not to have surgery. If anything you need this powerful tool at your disposal to be healthy. I didn't exercise before but have walked everyday since surgery. I think it is going to stick. Some how not my stomach had changed. There is a mental part too. I was down to 195 surgery day. I did ask myself maybe I don't need surgery. Then I reminded myself I am on 1000 pre op diet.....what are c

[ocgirl15 667]

Continued......basically I knew I wouldn't keep a diet like this without help and all the weight would come back. You need to make this decision for yourself and your health. He doesn't have the knowledge you do. This has to be your decision alone.

[Essence46 493]

I pretty much agree with what has already been said. You have to do what is best for you. Instead of letting his words kill your spirit. Maybe you should try using them as your motivation. Let the push and fuel you. He says you have commitment issues. Well... prove him wrong. It is definitely about your mindset. Start there and it will fall into place. At the end of the day, you have to do what is best for you. The sleeve saved my life literally.

[lmm300missouri 95]

Cravingabetterme. I didn't loose the weight all that fast, especially since August 19. I started checking into the surgery probably around last Christmas and went to seminars in January. Checked our insurance and had to wait 6 months, they were hellish. I did weigh in as heavy as possible in January to meet their initial weight requirements.

I decided to eat as if I had the surgery for the six months and insurance worrying helped me to be active. Jan end 219. March 200 aug 185 or so oct 165 nov 150s all of nov and most of dec to get to 140. Around 4 lbs a week but people from our August group have lost 80 lbs in 4 months.

I'm in my sixties and January we bought me a walker because my health was taking serious down turns. It has made major positive results.

Keep in touch. I think being positive helps your recovery, but I have had my moments but no regrets at all.