No Sex? WTF

[BigViffer 3,544]

Bag of bones?! He must be looking at some damn sexy bones then, because I don't see that at all. Now that I know he has been negative, it just sounds like insecurities and pettiness on his side. He knows the insults hurt, but if he knows you have a more active libido than him, he most likely thinks that withholding sex and affection will hurt you more.

I am betting that when you got together and were thin, he had to work at gaining control of you. As the years went by and you gained weight, he was able to control more of what you did and perhaps thought. Constant belittling slowly erodes confidence when it comes from people you love and trust. Now that you are measuring yourself by something other than his gauge, your confidence is returning and he is losing influence.

Someone who doesn't have your best interest in mind and isn't supportive of your personal betterment is not someone you should keep around. If it were me, I'd be considering separation if you have already laid the cards on the table and he hasn't shown any signs of changing. That being said, I am a very black/white person. I don't have a middle ground. I have written off family for much less than what you have endured. I am generally not the empathic type, I prefer dispassionate decision making.

Whatever you end up doing, I wish you the best of luck.

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

@@BigViffer Spot on..... i had tons of confidence when we met... hell i was all of 100lbs size 0. Your right the more i gained the less confidence i had the more control he had.... He and i have had this conversation many times i told him that very thing. I know i have changed... I own up to that... I guess i was just naive to think that our issue was all about the weight...

[dlappjr 467]

I am not a psychologist, nor have I had experience like this, but I wanted to speculate a possible cause. I had a friend who was dating a woman who decided to have this surgery not long after I told them I was having it. He was never supportive of it to me or her. He flat out said he didn't believe in it and that he would never even entertain the idea for him. A few weeks later he broke up with her after 2 years of dating and almost moving in with her. I never brought this up to him, but I wondered if it had anything to do with a fear of what would happen after she lost weight? Would she suddenly be attractive to other men and would she like the attention she would get enough to stray from him? Also, would others expect him to follow suit and have the surgery, or would he feel pressure to lose weight and make changes he wasn't ready for on his own?

Taking this one step further then, could your husband not only have those fears, but also start projecting his fear of an inevitable outcome by starting up an affair with someone else, figuring you would do it to him? (which is probably not the case but he may have already made that up in his mind)

I am sorry you have to go through this. This should be your time to shine. You put in the effort to become healthier and whoever you share your life with should choose to support that even if they wouldn't go through that themselves or even if they "don't believe in that".

Best of luck!

[RyansGirl89 67]

Wow I think they have hit the nail on the head!! I think your guy is insecure. Counseling could be helpful if he is willing to really try to be open, honest and willing but if not, you may just be spinning your wheels! You might try building him up and trying to make him feel more safe about you and where you are headed but if he has really deep insecurities, there may be little you can do.

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

I think so too.... he will only do counseling if i pay for half....

Im tired of being a room mate and not a wife.

[dlappjr 467]

Thats a tough decision. On one hand, you could call his bluff and pay for it, hell, pay for all of it if you want. I wonder if there suddenly becomes a different reason as to why he can't do counseling? On the other hand, if he is only committed to the marriage so much that he should only contribute some of the cost (knowing that you don't have means to pay the other half) then you are also dealing with a spouse who likes to use money as a tool for abuse. It might not be physical abuse, but mental and financial abuse like this are still abuse. Again, sorry about your situation. You are seriously in a no win. Unless you ultimately decide to leave and that you and your kids lives are worth more than a couple hundred dollars spent on a counselor. I don't believe he actually wants to go to counseling. And that is sad. You deserve better. You're stronger than that.

I think so too.... he will only do counseling if i pay for half....

Im tired of being a room mate and not a wife.

Edited December 4, 2015 by dlappjr

[RyansGirl89 67]

It is clear that you really love your husband so if I were you I would get that job and pay half for the counseling if he is worth the effort! Some people may argue with me on that but if I were you I would want to know I did everything I could to save my marriage before I threw in the towel! You may decide to still leave in the end but at least you can say you tried just in case there is an issue that you couldn't see that a counselor may see!

[dlappjr 467]

It is clear that you really love your husband so if I were you I would get that job and pay half for the counseling if he is worth the effort! Some people may argue with me on that but if I were you I would want to know I did everything I could to save my marriage before I threw in the towel! You may decide to still leave in the end but at least you can say you tried just in case there is an issue that you couldn't see that a counselor may see!

That right there ^ is probably the best response and course of action. Either way you look at it, You have to do all you can to survive, just like on our weight loss journey, the same can be said in your relationship.

[RyansGirl89 67]

Thanks, dlappjr, I just think people give up too easily anymore and leave unanswered questions behind so do all you can and leave it all on the field before throwing in the towel that way you don't have to look back as you are leaving either together or apart!

[dlappjr 467]

Agreed. I would fear not knowing what might have been much more than the fear of being made to look like a fool if it doesn't work.

[journeymeh 8]

I'm so sorry. I was married and when I

stopped getting attention I found out another woman was! I left him and divorced him.

I hope you find hsppiness

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

It is clear that you really love your husband so if I were you I would get that job and pay half for the counseling if he is worth the effort! Some people may argue with me on that but if I were you I would want to know I did everything I could to save my marriage before I threw in the towel! You may decide to still leave in the end but at least you can say you tried just in case there is an issue that you couldn't see that a counselor may see!

I do... but the more time goes on the less i feel for him... Hell the 16th will be 25 years we have been married.

I do work... 7-4 m-f. and his money and my money goes into the same account. He has a "side job" taking pic and that's His money that he puts in His account.

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

Agreed. I would fear not knowing what might have been much more than the fear of being made to look like a fool if it doesn't work.

I have said that too him... i put it on me saying .. i want to know what im doing wrong... but he still won't go. When i said i would get a partime job to pay for it... he said... You don't really want to do that... I feel like im beating my head against a wall.

@@journeymeh how are things now?

[RyansGirl89 67]

Yea I don't know, now I am changing my mind but if I were you I would make it super clear that you are willing to bend over backwards to make this work but it doesn't seem like he is doing the same. Maybe do something to show him just how serious this really is for you by maybe not depositing your check into that joint account! That might get his attention that you are mean business! Sometimes we need a shock to get our attention and he may be one of those people! If you don't have the same feeling you used to have counseling may be a little late.

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

@@RyansGirl89 You know i have thought of that. He knows i would do most anything... but its getting to the point of no return. I know i don't have the same feelings... how can i. I really want to leave to get his attention, but im kinda stuck.

We went on a cruise for the weekend on the 13th.... of course he bitched the whole time... but nothing.. we had a very nice room with a balcony... we live in Louisiana... so it departed from NOLA and as we watched the sun go down over the Mississippi... and the Greater new Orleans bridge... he never once touched me or attempted to come near me... i said.. it's cold.. he said... it sure is. i said want to come stand by me.. he said... nahhh im good.