Unsupportive Relatives

[heidikate 49]

My mother fat shames me all the time and tells me that I've let her down and she's disappointed in me bc of my weight.

I'm at the point where I want to have this surgery, and lose the weight and never see my own mother again!

She's actually told me before that she doesn't want to see me until I'm thin.

It's really bad. I've only gone to see her once this year (Mother's Day )

She keeps trying to give me incentives.. A whole new wardrobe.. If I lose weight..

She's very wealthy and I get an inheritance from my Father who passed away 6 years ago.. But my mother holds all the cards. She has threatened me several times to not give me the money if I don't lose weight. (My home situation is such that getting a job making less than my inheritance gives is not an option for me)

I was at my lowest weight last year

(40 pounds less than I am right now)

And my mom still fat shamed me bc I hadn't got to my perfect weight yet after all these years.. She bettered me in front of a friend.

I've forgiven her bc she asked me to.

But then it seems she hurts me again.

This last time of fat shaming was a week ago.

Yet other times she tries to be supportive... It's a strange relationship..

Thank the Lord I have such a wonderfully supportive Husband and grown children.

Also, I'm learning:

When she says something negative

To say to myself:

"I don't have to own that

I don't have to react"

It goes much better when I follow this and it's empowering and freeing

[JamieLogical 8,684]

Wow, I can't believe a woman would treat her grown child who has grown children of her own with so much disrespect! That's completely crazy. And does she have the legal right to withhold your inheritance or is that an empty threat?

As for surgery, you need to make sure this is something you are considering for YOU, not to please your mother. WLS can be the answer for a lot of us, but it requires certainty and commitment. It will change your life LONG past when your mother is gone. So you need to make sure you are evaluating what is best for yourself and your husband and your future.

[heidikate 49]

Thank you Jamie!

Yea it's pretty much an empty threat.

I'm definitely doing this for me and my family.

I'm just hurt by my mom.. But I'm not the only one she hurts and I'm trying to realize that she does love me but thinks very different.

I'm so tired of being overweight and just wanta be normal

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

For some people, their sense of "shame" about overweight is so ingrained they don't know another way. I was fat shamed alot by my dad and ironically he was morbidly obese.

Sorry you have to deal with this.

[heidikate 49]

Cowgirl

Yea my mom had Lipo to get rid of her excess

[Babbs 14,680]

How sad! Is the inheritance important to you? I mean, I could see where it would be to a lot of people.

If the wasn't, I would cut ties with her. Or at least only deal with her when you have to, and no more. You shouldn't have to be subjected to her abuse all the time. I've cut abusive relatives out of my life before, and I was better for it. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do for your own well being.

[BLERDgirl 6,417]

Also, I'm learning:
When she says something negative
To say to myself:
"I don't have to own that 
I don't have to react"
It goes much better when I follow this and it's empowering and freeing 
 

This is the best thing you are doing for yourself. I'm sorry your mother thinks tough love will change you. I truly hope this surgery is for yourself and not her because someone who doesn't love you for you is not going to truly love you no matter what size you are. If it's not your weight, it will be something else.

I would limit exposure to her to bare minimum. You might also want to explore legal counsel regarding your inheritance.

[Miss Mac 6,261]

Sorry....but that is not love. Your mother's behavior clearly follows the documented Cycle of Abuse. Someone offends you either physically, emotionally, or verbally. When they see that you respond with pain, bruises, tears, withdrawal, then they apologize. I am so sorry, I did not mean it. I was just kidding. Can't you take a joke?

For a brief time they promise you everything or bring you flowers, chocolate, make promises for future reward, the BAM!!! they hurt you again. It messes you up, because you don't know where you stand. They say they love you, but treat you horrendously. I agree that you need to keep your distance while you get your head together and have that surgery that will change your life for YOUR benefit. I wish you the best. Hugs from Chicago.

[tcrehm 101]

You do not have to deal with anyone that treats you in a way that is hurting you physically, mentally or emotionally even if it is a family member and even if they hold finances over you like that, you just need to find a way to make it without those fiances somehow because the price is too high.

[heidikate 49]

Babbs,

Believe me, I've thought about it. My brothers moved away from her to Texas bc if her abuse. She lives in Reno and I live in East Bay SF.

As far as the inheritance.. We need it financially right now. But we're building our business and making it a goal to in one year to one and half years to be able to financially walk away if she threatens again. It's like this is the only control she has so she uses it. Quite frankly I worry for her.. She's 82 years old..My brothers and I wonder why she doesn't relax a bit

[heidikate 49]

BLERDgirl,

You are so right. I heard it said. You treat others the way you were treated ..

I believe my mom gives tough love bc that is what she was given.. She and dad came out of the war era and it's always

"Nobody helped us, boy..."

She doesn't take into account that things were different for them..

We've had this "family business "

For 25 years and my brothers and I have been there the whole time..

It's always been however that my parents never really thought that anything their kids went through was anywhere near as hard as what they've gone through.. But believe me.. My husband and I have been through stuff my parents NEVER had to deal with!

My mom (and dad [was]) is

VERY narcissistic.

I really did turn a corner yesterday.. With the whole realization that

I don't have to react

I don't have to own this.

I have a wonderful son and daughter.

What I don't understand is

I would NEVER say the things my mom says to me to my precious daughter!!!!

[heidikate 49]

Miss Mac

Thank you! You're so sweet.

She IS abusive. You are so right.

She follows the abuse cycle to a tee.

My brother has to call her only when he is on the road (Bluetooth )

And then it's " Oh, I'm at my appointment now, gotta go"

If he talks to her too long, they ALWAYS get into a fight.

Apart from my mom, I want to do this.. I know that once it's done and the excess weight is off, she will pick on me about something else.

We plan on seriously limiting our visits. And our calls.. She's brought this on herself

Does anyone else have abusive relatives that we can discuss? ????

Don't want this to just be all about me!

[heidikate 49]

tcrehm,

I agree. That's what we are working on

[heidikate 49]

Wow! I love all of you! What a great thread!

Of course I'll be seeing a psychologist too.. This will help in the whole process.. Kaiser Permanente follows you for 5 YEARS after surgery!! I'm excited!

[heidikate 49]

Here's another angle:

So many people LOVE my mom!

She has lots of friends.

It's like she's a different person when she's with them. Not abusive..

Although one time she went on a trip with her best friend to New York (a NuSkin Team Elite trip... Our business)

And they DID get into a couple of spats)

My mom took me to Paris once on a Team Elite trip. And a barely ate..

The other Team Elites actually noticed my moms abusive behavior to me!

But the fact that she has a lot of people that love her messes with my head sometimes..

What do you all think?