I have been dating for awhile now and I have met a wonderful man and fallen in love with him. He is kind and affectionate and compliments me constantly on my beauty and sexiness etc. he doesn't seem to care about the little bit of loose skin I have or really notice it. I don't have a whole lot, just looks like I had kids (which I have).

But I haven't told him about my wls or that before my surgery I struggled both with bulimia and anorexia over the years. I went through an abusive relationship before him for eight years and my weight and problems with food were a constant focus which made my weight balloon out of control.

I still struggle with some issues surrounding food and eating disorder behavior but mostly it's in my past. I am living my life now as a thin woman and plan to continue to do so. I have given up almost all of the bad habits I used to have around food and I don't really see it being a huge factor in my future.

But I am terrified to tell him of this history because I feel like it will shape his idea of me into who I used to be and not who I am now. I don't want food to ever be a focus for me again, ever! I don't want my partner watching and worrying about what I eat or even associating me with the person I used to be who had these major issues.

At what point is the past really the past? Are we doomed to live in the shadow of our past choices and mistakes and traumas forever? At what point do I have a responsibility to tell him all my private history?

Can't I just move on in the person I am now and put this in the past were it belongs? I want to be a thin woman without food issues and free from the mistakes I've made.

Maybe he wouldn't care and love me regardless- maybe he would care. Either way why should the past have a stranglehold of power over the present?

I only tell people that I am interested in dating, "I lost 90 pounds last year" because if you google me, you will find pictures that are me at my heaviest. I let women know the pictures I posted on my dating web site are current. When asked how I did it, "ate less, moved more." And that is technically true and enough until someone really wants to know.

I'm not so sure. It's leaving out a lot isn't it? Like major surgery? That's my dilemma. I've become a mistress of half truths.

Y'know, I think that truth and honesty are very important to a relationship. Now having said that I do NOT bare my soul to every guy I meet, nor every husband (I admit now being married unsuccessfully 3 times) BUT I have great male friends and a wonderful lover. And I am 61 years young. SO I've been around and learned a bit about relationships.Even if you haven't noticed, and if he is as wonderful as you think he is, he HAS noticed, you are a very brave, courageous, strong person for going thru this, and succeeding! Do you think he would leave you for your past when you have come so far from it - thru your OWN efforts!?! Maybe not yet, but when you feel SAFE with him, you can tell him ,. AND I'll bet he;ll say "I know, so what? its YOU I love, not your exterior." Have faith in yourself and in your trust in him. You will succeed with that. AND if he should leave you, he isnt worth your time, so there. Someone else better will be along just for you. ASK.BELIEVE. RECEIVE..Good luck darling - believe in your Self.

I think timing is everything. I do think life partners have a need to know the kind of stuff you are keeping private. He's not in that category yet, and you are not obligated to disclose. I understand the need to put your past behind you and wanting live in the present. I would, too. But I also think that if you do become more serious, these are things you should disclose. By then his opinion of you will be formed, and it's just for informational purposes. I would be pretty upset if I married someone who withheld that type of information.

In the meantime, try to enjoy this time. Don't stress about it, knowing you will tell him when the time is right.

Our past makes us who we are today. Accept your past and embrace the future. If he loves you he won't judge you based on your past but who you are today.

Don't ever change who you are or hide where you have been. If someone can't handle your past do they really deserve to be part of your future?

@TheRealMeIsHere!

I am so sorry for your loss. I think a lot of folks don't realize how fragile life really is, and how quickly one's world can be thrown into utter chaos, especially the young. I don't consider my husband old, he is only 53. Twenty years with him is NOT enough. Five years for you was NOT enough, either, I'm sure. All I know is when it is gone, it is GONE.

I also know I won't risk losing his faith in me by not telling him important information, no matter what it is. As he is a separate human being from me, I cannot always know what he is feeling or what he considers truly important. He doesn't always reveal his feelings, and a lot men are like that. I have learned over the years that what I think is not necessary for him to know actually IS important to him, and not to insult him by withholding information. He cannot do what he feels is right if he is not equipped with all the facts. And, as we promised to always include each other in all aspects of our lives, he cannot help me through whatever it is I may be going through at the moment. And the reverse is true, as well.

Trust and faith in someone are true gifts, and once they are broken, are rarely "fixed". And even more rarely, 100 percent "fixed". I don't want to live like that with my beloved. And I won't.

You have truly been blessed with your 5 years. I am sure he is smiling down on you right now, and loves you dearly. Bless you, my dear....

He DID spoil me for anyone else, though. Now, I can't even contemplate a relationship that is not with a true soulmate, as he was. I've been alone since Sept. 2007, when he had his accident. Yes, 53 is NOT old at all, and 20 or 100 years are never enough. You have such a wonderful attitude towards your relationship!

Before I married my husband I stressed to him how important brutal honesty was for me and my distrust issues. After that he confided in me something he had done in his past that ended his previous marriage. Before he told me he said "what I'm about to tell you might make you never want to be with me again, but I know how important honesty and transparency is for you." After he told me, I fell even more in love with him because he told me an ugly sin that he was guilty of because he knew being honest was most important to me. He too has wiped my bottom, seen me go bald and boobless. Watched me gain eighty pounds. Watched my appearance turn somewhat masculine from steroids... Watched me loose my business to my poor health. Loved my two girls as if they were his own, and cry at the fear of not only losing me, but losing his two girls, his entire family if something were to happen to me. He knew the girls would go to their real dad and he might not even get to see them anymore. Don't get into marriage if you can't tell them everything because of fear of their reaction. This doesn't mean we tell each other everything but there is a peace of mind that comes with knowing you can. My opinion.

I am in a comparable position in a sense. I am not in love, but I have been dating someone for awhile. I was upfront about my plastic surgeries after the first couple of dates because I knew he would see the scars and I didn't want him to be like HOLY CRAP, did someone throw you through a wood chipper? during a naked moment, lol. I also had a very bad relationship a few years ago that tends to influence how I am in a relationship, so again after we had spent a lot of time together, I told him the history of that relationship as well. I have not told him I used to be hefferilla...partly because he constantly tells me how cute and tiny and small I am and I feel like if he knew I had been fat for awhile he might not like me and partly because when I was fat it was a very small part of my life, but a really dark point, and I don't want it messing up anymore of my life from this point forward. My three best friends know I had the sleeve surgery and as far as I am concerned, I will never tell another soul.

I think that even if you do love someone, it is ok to have your own secrets if they have no impact on the relationship or the other person. I mean, if I used to be a hooker then maybe he should know that, but the fact that I only have 20% of a stomach is my business, has nothing to do with him or our relationship, and I feel no guilt about keeping it to myself. Everyone has secrets and keeping them out of a new relationship is entirely acceptable.

I am in a comparable position in a sense. I am not in love, but I have been dating someone for awhile. I was upfront about my plastic surgeries after the first couple of dates because I knew he would see the scars and I didn't want him to be like HOLY CRAP, did someone throw you through a wood chipper? during a naked moment, lol. I also had a very bad relationship a few years ago that tends to influence how I am in a relationship, so again after we had spent a lot of time together, I told him the history of that relationship as well. I have not told him I used to be hefferilla...partly because he constantly tells me how cute and tiny and small I am and I feel like if he knew I had been fat for awhile he might not like me and partly because when I was fat it was a very small part of my life, but a really dark point, and I don't want it messing up anymore of my life from this point forward. My three best friends know I had the sleeve surgery and as far as I am concerned, I will never tell another soul.

I think that even if you do love someone, it is ok to have your own secrets if they have no impact on the relationship or the other person. I mean, if I used to be a hooker then maybe he should know that, but the fact that I only have 20% of a stomach is my business, has nothing to do with him or our relationship, and I feel no guilt about keeping it to myself. Everyone has secrets and keeping them out of a new relationship is entirely acceptable.

This post could have been written by me! You took the words out of my mouth.

For me being fat only lasted about five years so I feel the same, a small dark part of my life that I don't want defining my future.

If you are only 3 months out from surgery 1) you are going to keep losing and it may be hard to hide this from him 2)you haven't actually known him very long.

I was "madly in love" with my husband within weeks of starting to date him. Was engaged a year later, married a year after that. Then spent 24 of the hardest years of my life trying to get to know this person who is the most self-centered, emotionally dead person I've ever known. Am now in process of divorcing.

Madly in love is just a feeling; it's not love. Maybe this is love, maybe not - but you have a ways to go before you decide it's real, and by that time you'll know whether this is something you can share or not. If you don't ever reach the point of enough trust to share it, he's not the one.

If you are madly in love with him he must be a great guy... don't sell him short then. Don't assume he will respond to your past with negativity. Great guys like him usually see great girls like you as strong overcomers and survivors of a difficult past. I don't think you have to sit down and have a big heart to heart or anything, but don't hide who you are either. Be proud of where you've come from and the person you are today. Just be honest as well. An amazing relationship can't be built on secrecy.

I have found when two people can be absolutely vulnerable to each other, there is a level of intimacy which cannot be attained anywhere else. I'm not talking about physical intimacy (which also is heightened by being vulnerable) but the kind of intimacy where you can truly be you. Truly you. Having a person who knows all your strengths and weaknesses and still can't wait for you to come home.

I have been married for over 13 years and have only recently allowed myself to let my guard down and work on being vulnerable. It has been a freeing experience and I love my spouse even more as she has begun to become vulnerable, too.

Your foundation is already weak if you are trying to build something on lies. Even lies of omission. They will always come back and bite you in the behind. I hate to say it, but the truth will always out!

If this lasts....at some point, someone is going to say something in front of him, about your surgery, or how much weight you lost, and then you're going to have a LOT of explaining to do. The trust will be broken at that point, and good luck with salvaging things after that.

If you don't feel comfortable enough to share this huge part of your life....how will you build a relationship?

I just speak from my own experiences. Every new man I meet, I tell him right away about my surgery. I did it last night in fact. He had no issues with it, asked a lot of questions, doesn't have issue with my size now, won't have issue with me smaller. Who knows what will happen, but I know that I can't lie about my weight, or the surgery, or the struggles I've had. Yes, we always run the risk of rejection, but if that person runs away because of that, he was not the person for you.

These of course are only my opinions, out of many you have gotten here. I wish you luck!

I told him. He didn't care at all and just kissed me.

See!!!!??!!!! ????????????????

I am an almost compulsively honest person so I told my future husband very quickly about my surgery. He was really sweet. No judgments that I've ever seen and unlike the OP my loose skin is pretty severe. Later, after we were married he read up on WLS and told me all these health benefits that pass along to children of WLS patients. It blew me away. He has only ever seen my surgery as a positive. I think you need to give this amazing man a chance to prove that he is the real deal. All cards out on the table. You will probably be very pleasantly surprised.