I have been dating for awhile now and I have met a wonderful man and fallen in love with him. He is kind and affectionate and compliments me constantly on my beauty and sexiness etc. he doesn't seem to care about the little bit of loose skin I have or really notice it. I don't have a whole lot, just looks like I had kids (which I have).

But I haven't told him about my wls or that before my surgery I struggled both with bulimia and anorexia over the years. I went through an abusive relationship before him for eight years and my weight and problems with food were a constant focus which made my weight balloon out of control.

I still struggle with some issues surrounding food and eating disorder behavior but mostly it's in my past. I am living my life now as a thin woman and plan to continue to do so. I have given up almost all of the bad habits I used to have around food and I don't really see it being a huge factor in my future.

But I am terrified to tell him of this history because I feel like it will shape his idea of me into who I used to be and not who I am now. I don't want food to ever be a focus for me again, ever! I don't want my partner watching and worrying about what I eat or even associating me with the person I used to be who had these major issues.

At what point is the past really the past? Are we doomed to live in the shadow of our past choices and mistakes and traumas forever? At what point do I have a responsibility to tell him all my private history?

Can't I just move on in the person I am now and put this in the past were it belongs? I want to be a thin woman without food issues and free from the mistakes I've made.

Maybe he wouldn't care and love me regardless- maybe he would care. Either way why should the past have a stranglehold of power over the present?

@@bellabloom

I can respect your decision, but just one more thought to contemplate: What if the shoe were on the other foot? How would you feel if you were he? Try and put yourself in HIS place, would you feel betrayed? Untrusted? Weak? Unreliable? Men tend to think differently than women, and tend to be unhappy when they feel they cannot be relied upon to know the truth. At least that has been my experience. They like to be strong for their loves, able to help, be supportive, carry the load. I want my man to be strong, to know I trust him with anything and everything. And I don't want to hurt him by withholding information that is very important. He wants to be the strong one, the one to carry us through hard times. And I am strong enough to let him do it. I simply wouldn't want any less. Good luck to you.

@@glitter eyes@@gowalking

Thank you, sweeties, your words go beyond just words. Hanging on, the good Lord is NOT letting go....

Canyon baby I envy the love you have and my heart goes out to you in this trying time. I can't imagine what your going through. Your words are very wise.

If the shoe were reversed for me I would not care to know. I went on a date awhile back with a guy who told me on our second date he had the sleeve surgery. I felt it was way too much info and I also wondered why he is living in the past and so hung up on it that he felt the need to tell me. People are entitled to their privacy and there is such a thing as too much information.

If my boyfriend, down the line, is upset I didn't tell him, I will simply explain that I was trying to live in the present and I wanted to give our relationship time before bringing in the baggage. Hopefully he will understand and not see it as a breach of trust.

I really don't think he will mind me holding it back. He will get it. That's the kind of person he is. He is respectful of privacy and doesn't pry into my past.

I totally get what your saying about living in the now not in the past and not having ppl watch what u eat and commenting on it however.....what if someone tells him? or he see old photos? some may feel not telling is somehow well a lie the stress of keeping this quiet may be too much for you it's been a short time maybe see what happens then decide if u want to disclose or not

I was told this in a support group that I attend for something else. "You are only as sick as your darkest secrets". Meaning, you can never really live in the present if you aren't able to deal with your past and be able to share the parts of it that make you uncomfortable.

A true relationship based on the foundation of trust, respect, honesty and love means being able to open up those painful memories and share them with the person you share your life with. If there is something that is keeping you from sharing that maybe you should question whether it is something within you or it is something within your partner. It takes some soul searching and the ability to truly be honest with yourself. Tough work!

Oh, I get so tired of hearing this kind of thing. Not you personally, don't get me wrong. But I have to say IF you are madly in love, what is the big deal? Let me tell you MY version of MADLY in LOVE:

I am married to a man, have been for almost 20 years. MADLY in LOVE to me means I am willing to clean up after the terrible bouts resulting from colon cancer. Sitting for hours on end watching chemo treatments drip into my husband while he fades away. Watching my life fade away with his. For he has been my life for a very long time. I gave up my career so he could follow his. I have moved across this country over ten times for this. I have waited for eons to see if he was going to come home alive from his job (he's a police officer).

He is madly in love with me, too. He has wiped my bottom more times than I care to think about after several of MY surgeries. He has waited in agony in the ever-sterile waiting rooms of hospitals for word on my condition. He has tolerated my rage, fear, self-centered behavior far longer than any man with half a brain would EVER tolerate.

THIS, my dear, is MAD LOVE. If you don't have it, I'm sorry. I can tell my husband ANYTHING, with NO fear of him losing respect for me, lessening of his love for me, disgusting him with my myriad of scars.

I may not have him for much longer, but I have him FOREVER. I have his HEART, and he has mine.

These are the things with which a true, everlasting relationship is built on. I am truly sorry for the history you have. He cannot change it, but if you give him a chance, he CAN change your future. If you go through life not being able to tell him everything, why are you with him? What will happen when the bad times come? You won't have a base from which to draw strength. He's not perfect, neither are you. We not only live with these "failings", but we learn to embrace them, for they make us stronger, as a couple. There are not very many strong marriages out there anymore. One reason is trust. Or the lack of. Trust is a leap of faith, and if you don't take it, you will never know the true depths your relationship could take.

So ask yourself: are you ready for all the bad that can come with the good? Is he? Ask.

So sorry for what you are going through and at the same time overjoyed that you've gotten to experience that kind of love. I was lucky enough to have that kind of love in my life, for 5 short years, until he was killed in a motorcycle accident.

Hi, I live in Sullivan county. I'm having surgery on September 15 at ORMC.

Congratulations! Is it Dr. Judd? I hear wonderful things about him and ORMC is an AWESOME hospital! Check my pics of it, like a fancy hotel!

If it is true love, the truth won't change a thing.

Everyone has such good points. I'm conflicted for sure.

I just need to give it some more time.

@TheRealMeIsHere!

I am so sorry for your loss. I think a lot of folks don't realize how fragile life really is, and how quickly one's world can be thrown into utter chaos, especially the young. I don't consider my husband old, he is only 53. Twenty years with him is NOT enough. Five years for you was NOT enough, either, I'm sure. All I know is when it is gone, it is GONE.

I also know I won't risk losing his faith in me by not telling him important information, no matter what it is. As he is a separate human being from me, I cannot always know what he is feeling or what he considers truly important. He doesn't always reveal his feelings, and a lot men are like that. I have learned over the years that what I think is not necessary for him to know actually IS important to him, and not to insult him by withholding information. He cannot do what he feels is right if he is not equipped with all the facts. And, as we promised to always include each other in all aspects of our lives, he cannot help me through whatever it is I may be going through at the moment. And the reverse is true, as well.

Trust and faith in someone are true gifts, and once they are broken, are rarely "fixed". And even more rarely, 100 percent "fixed". I don't want to live like that with my beloved. And I won't.

You have truly been blessed with your 5 years. I am sure he is smiling down on you right now, and loves you dearly. Bless you, my dear....

Maybe I am more of a cautious person, but nobody I have only known for a few months needs to know my life history, my entire medical history or any of that. It takes me a long time to open the door on all that to someone. I realize he may be true love, but it has been my experience that it takes a bit longer to know that.

Maybe part of the problem is I don't have the feelings I think I do or maybe I wish I did have. I keep going back and forth about this, it's very hard for me to open up with this man for some reason. I wonder if yes, maybe it is a problem with him.

I wasn't looking to get into a serious relationship so fast and now that I am it's really stressing me out. He's a good person and I care about him but maybe love is too strong an emotion for the time being.

It's been a long long time since I have really loved someone. I'm not even sure what it feels like.

I feel vulnerable and nervous and excited but also stretched too thin and overwhelmed. I don't know what I want.

This may be stopping me from opening up. The relationship is new and I'm still figuring out where I stand in it. I don't want to open up and then have it not work out anyway. Is there a part of me that thinks it won't work out? Definitely.

I went through a terrible 7 year partnership with my kids dad and I'm going to be super picky about who becomes my long term partner. If this is the right man for me then why don't I feel like I can talk to him?

I just want to keep things light and simple.

You have only known this person for two months, and are still heavily into the infatuation/honeymoon stage. It is a fun time, and you should enjoy it! I think it takes at least 6 months to say that you even somewhat know the other person. You still have so many stories to tell each other, past life experiences to share. You don't have to share them all at once.

Given that you have just emerged from a really, really bad relationship, understand that any guy who is even remotely a good guy, will seem like the best thing since sliced bread to you. And for good reason! So please keep your wits about you, and keep your eyes open, that what you are seeing, is true, and not just the halo effect.

I say what is the rush? Take your time, share things as you feel comfortable doing so, and he is likely doing the exact same thing with you. Enjoy the ride!!

You have only known this person for two months, and are still heavily into the infatuation/honeymoon stage. It is a fun time, and you should enjoy it! I think it takes at least 6 months to say that you even somewhat know the other person. You still have so many stories to tell each other, past life experiences to share. You don't have to share them all at once.

Given that you have just emerged from a really, really bad relationship, understand that any guy who is even remotely a good guy, will seem like the best thing since sliced bread to you. And for good reason! So please keep your wits about you, and keep your eyes open, that what you are seeing, is true, and not just the halo effect.

I say what is the rush? Take your time, share things as you feel comfortable doing so, and he is likely doing the exact same thing with you. Enjoy the ride!!

Your so right. It does take time and my eyes are wide open!!

There is no way I'm going to chose another man who is wrong for me.

I only tell people that I am interested in dating, "I lost 90 pounds last year" because if you google me, you will find pictures that are me at my heaviest. I let women know the pictures I posted on my dating web site are current. When asked how I did it, "ate less, moved more." And that is technically true and enough until someone really wants to know.