Concerned about WLS and effect on Friendship

[kitkatnomore 9]

Hi all! I'm new to all this but I have a concern and was wondering if anyone else had experienced something similar or had the same concerns.

A little background.....went to my first WLS orientation on 03/26/15, met with the Surgeon on 04/02/15, had my psych assessment on 04/21/15 and now have to attend 2 classes before being able to meet with the Case Manager to schedule my surgery (1st class tomorrow). Surgeon set a Goal weight for me of 320 in order to schedule surgery which I am 1 lb away from so it looks like my surgery could be scheduled as soon as 6 weeks from now. I am very excited and ready for this. I have done all my research and changed a lot of habits, started eating right and exercising. I know I can do this and I know I can succeed but my one fear has to do with my best friend.

We have been friends for 17 years. In high school I was always skinnier then her and then over the years those roles were reversed. We both have always been big but now I am a good 100 lbs bigger than her. I told her I was going to consider the surgery and she was very supportive. Then she told me that she had a consult to see about the surgery for herself. At first I was a little shocked but then realized that it would be nice to go through it together and have each other to support. However after her consult she was told that she does not qualify, she is overweight but "too healthy" for the surgery. She says that she is fine with it, but i don't really believe her.

I am concerned that she may have issues with me when I start to lose weight. I have read about friends who "sabatoge" their freinds whether intentionally or unintentionally. I am also very concerned about her telling people that I don't want to tell about my surgery. I already told her that I prefer to keep it to myself and only include a select few people, and she said that she understood, but I wonder if that will change? i wonder if she will resent me for flipping those roles of the "fat friend"?

I am not the best at confronting her about issues because she is a very defensive person. I wonder if anyone has had a similar issue and what they have done to handle it. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks!

[Bonawanabfree 280]

@

I have not experianced this but I would like to say that if she truely loves you she will be your biggest cheerleader, sure she may be a little envious but all in all she will have to come to terms with it. Maybe instead of her possibly sabatoging you, You can help her help you through this journey. You can both eat right and exercise together. Your friendship will become stronger by helping each other through this process.

[Chrystee 838]

Hmm.. I think I would try to keep the talk of weight loss/surgery to a minimum with her.. it sounds like its more of an irrational fear at this point for you.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I did not have this issue but I can tell you that trusted people do talk about you.

When I had the lapband in 2001 I didn't want people to know. I told my partner, my kids and my closest sister. I asked them all to keep it quiet. I was at a big campout and my sis had a bunch of her friends (I hardly knew them!) and I overheard her talking about my WLS in a very disparaging way. It hurt me immensely especially since the band was hell and i was really struggling and felt like crap already over it.

When I was sleeved, I was alot older and just don't give a damn what other people think anymore so I have been very open about it. My friends are all thin people (I am a horse person so tend to associate with active/fit people) and they were very very supportive. I was worried about my family. AFTER I had the surgery I sent them an email that told them what I did, why I did it and that I would appreciate their support. If they couldn't be supportive - just don't say anything. It was very interesting that the "thin" people were thrilled for me and told me they would do the same thing. They all knew that I battled weight, diet after diet my whole life. The heavy siblings were silent. About a year later one of my brothers said to me that he was wrong, that it was a good decision and he was happy I was doing so well. He had the belief system that WLS is very dangerous and everybody regains all the weight they lose - which is NOT true, but does sometimes happen. I am really glad I had told everyone to shut up about their misgivings because i didn't want to deal with it in the early weeks and months.

Anyway, I think you will need to be very direct with her because it still breaks my heart that my sister betrayed my trust in her at a time when I was doing so poorly. I think you also need to face the fact that you may go through some rough times with this friend - but you don't really know in advance and she doesn't either.

I feel like by the time a person is morbidly obese, starting to have serious issues and NEED to do this - risks must be taken. Those risks include relationships. I personally see this as a fight for my life just like cancer treatment or something like that. Obesity was killing me, with a Detour through disability first and I was desparate to improve my health and my life.

I am so glad I did it even though in many ways I have paid a high price. Even so, when I reflect on my life it is so much better at half my former size... but it is a different life too. I had no idea all that would happen when I set out to save my life.

[Teachamy 1,042]

I haven't had a similar experience, but I guess if I were in your shoes I would cross that bridge when and if I came to it. It would be a pretty spiteful person who would attempt to demean you or your efforts to better yourself. I hope she remains the friend you've appreciated in your life for so long.

[LezzieLez 180]

I lost my best friend of 18 years.. Why?

It wasn't because of my attitude or weight loss, it was more about her insecurities. Her boyfriend cheated on her and I was the one who caught it. While I was contemplating what and how to tell her, he told her that I hit on him.

I found out through our mutual friends what was said about me. Apparently since I lost weight, I felt like I could have anyone's man, my insecurities made me feel like I needed to have what they had, and that most fat girls are hoes and it gets worse when they lose weight. The fact that she believed what he said and that most of this came out of her mouth hurt so bad.

Don't live life worried about what others are going to say and do. This surgery is to make yourself healthier and while it is your best friend and it hurt like hell losing mine, I don't regret anything.

[Miss Mac 6,261]

kat45d29, It is well-known to your bariatric brothers and sisters here on the forum that bariatric surgery brutally exposes the raw dynamics of your relationships. That is not a bad thing. For once in your life, you will learn the cold hard truth about how people you thought you trusted really feel about you. You want the truth, don't you?

Hopefully, your friend will rally behind you and be a supportive cheerleader for you. You might be worried for nothing. If she starts throwing wrenches into your progress, then at least you found out the realty that drives that relationship.

Departing from a long-term friendship is so difficult. I have not had that issue with my weight loss, but I have thrown two ex-husbands to the curb when good marriages turned toxic. I have learned to distance myself from people (including family) who intrude upon my health, happiness, and peace of mind.

I sincerely hope that your frindship rings true. This journey is so much easier when you have the enthusiatic support of friends and family.