The hard thing may not be what you think it is

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

I thought that getting WLS was going to be hard. Turns out, it was pretty easy. I had great insurance and got approval and had surgery six months after starting my process.

I thought losing the first 100 pounds was going to be hard. Turns out, with my LapBand, it was pretty easy. My body cooperated with my band and when I ate right, the weight came off.

I thought leaving my emotionally abusive husband was going to be hard. Turns out, once I took control of my food and my body and got out of my food coma, leaving him was pretty easy. Logistically tricky, but with reliance on friends and family and a good lawyer, leaving was only temporarily difficult.

I thought the divorce process would be hard. Turns out, it is stressful and emotional, but the actual tasks put in front of me, although tedious and time consuming, are just tasks. I am blessed with a good job and resources that many women don't have. The slowness of it is harder than the tasks in front of me.

I thought walking for exercise was going to be hard. Turns out, it is the one exercise I love and have not grown tired of. I can walk for miles with ease.

I thought asking for help was going to be hard. Turns out, like exercising a muscle, the more I do it, the easier it gets.

I thought being kind to myself was going to be easy. I was wrong.

Oh, was I wrong.

Oh, I've learned it's okay and necessary to treat myself to little things, like a manicure, or a foot massage, or a movie. But then there's the other things.

And I can't help wondering if these other things have a lot to do with why I overeat and stayed obese for so long.

Like saying no to people. I say no. But then I go into "shoulda woulda coulda" and feel guilty about it.

Like reaching for comfort food or wine once in awhile. And then I start the tape in my head that says I'm bad, I'm lazy, I'm never going to get to my goal weight because I don't deserve to.

Like going out with friends and holding my head up high because I feel pretty for the first time in years. And when a musician in a band notices and makes a sweet comment about the "beautiful women in the room tonight" and points directly at me, I find the next opportunity to gather my things and call it an early evening, because to flirt would be bad, and I don't deserve that kind of attention.

Like getting a strong lawyer who is fighting for my financial rights and future, but crying at night because this divorce would go so much faster if I just didn't fight for the college money for my girls or maintenance for myself; because if I wanted out so bad, shouldn't I just cut my losses and end this?

Like not losing any weight for the last six months even though I have fifty left to goal, and telling myself it will never happen because I've never followed through on a goal weight before and what makes me think this time is any different?

Like standing up to my mom's criticisms in person, but in private wondering if she is right about me -- that I'm making a big mistake doing this or that or the other thing, and remembering how judged I felt my whole childhood and adolescence and wondering if she was right about me all along?

This is what is hard. Calling bulls!# on these thoughts and patterns and habits.

My higher self knows it. But it's so DAMN HARD to stop the negative thought cycle, that shi##y committee in my head.

Attitude is everything. I just turned 54 over the weekend and birthdays make me reflective. I have what may prove to be my best year ever ahead of me. God willing, I may see divorce papers signed in 2015. Maybe. I'm 100 pounds lighter than I was a year ago and healthier than I have been in decades. I may be moving into a new home by the end of the year. There is every reason to be hopeful.

So why does my sick brain still gravitate toward self blame and misery? Why, why don't I believe I deserve happiness?

I may never know why.

I'm a practical person. I believe in results. So what I'm planning to do about this is purely practical. It may or may not have any basis in psychology, but it seems reasonable to me.

I plan to abort those thoughts the second I sense them in my head. Literally catch myself and interrupt it with the opposite thought.

I do deserve joy. I do choose healthy food and I will meet my weight loss goal. That person that said I was beautiful was telling the truth. I choose to believe my older daughter who just told me I am strong and a role model. I believe my younger daughter who just told me I've always got her back. I am deserving of financial security and what is rightfully mine. I am deserving of a slim body and to feel pretty. Accepting attention is not shameful. I make good decisions. I take care of my loved ones and I am a good mother. I am smart and strong and pretty and nobody's fool. I am precious in God's eyes and I will live my best life.

This is the hard part. This is the only hard part. The head is always the hardest part to change.

[PMJ 55]

Well…your doing a fine darn job of going in the right direction. Beautifully written and warmly received.

May your strength for love of family and self continue to grow. Would love to read as lovely an up date in the future.

You shine girl!

[MrsSugarbabe 727]

@@JustWatchMe -- YOU ARE AMAZING!!!! You have accomplished so much!!

Be proud of yourself, and always remember one of the last things you wrote -- "I am precious in God's eyes.." THAT is priceless and no one can take that away from you.

[lisacaron 5,075]

This is the hard part. This is the only hard part. The head is always the hardest part to change.

@@JustWatchMe seems to me you have changed it.

You are doing amazing!!! All that self chatter in our heads, helps us to be aware of what we are doing. Most don't even bother to listen to it and just go about doing and feeling badly or not. You my friend hear your voice, and that's the biggest hardest part!! No one wants to hear the truth and we REALLY don't want to hear it from ourselves because we are always going to be our own worst critic.

I really try not to let people and their comments get in my head, I have enough in there I don't need anymore an I am so analytically by nature that one comment can drive me pazzo (crazy) for weeks on end and when all the flavor is gone I stick it my hair to chew on again at a later date.

I am so happy for you and proud of you, and totally learn lessons from you!!

[Miss Mac 6,261]

Those brain cobwebs are sneaky little ninjas. You knock one out of the way, and here come six more from a dark corner. Your post made me think of something.

Two years ago, I adopted the role of family genealogist for my generation. As I reseach for documention and interesting stories that bring ancestors to life, I came across a letter written by my paternal grandmother's cousin. The family lived in North Dakota, and Grandma's mother taught school to the children in and around Fort Ransom. In 1885, some of the family came to southern Indiana (my kin) and some joined a two-mile long wagon train to Kalispell, Montana, a beautiful valley area west of Glacier National Park. During and after the trip she kept a journal of their encounter with Crow Indians, muddy plains, cholera, and the difficulties of the time. Grandma's cousin Ellen even told of the family's interactions with Calamity Jane and Liver Eatin' Johnson.

That letter is my most treasured document of all my work, even though one of my cousin's possess's the original. But what I am saying, is that while your challenging journey is fresh in your mind - and you do write so well, why not start a journal of your own for your daughters to have when the circle of life comes around to taking you home to your ancestors? They will treasure it forever and can pass down to their children the stories of your strength and fortitude.

We can all do so much more than we think we can. Thank you for your inspiring post......will you adopt me?

[Cleo's Mom 257]

@@JustWatchMe

Your post touched me. While reading it I think of how many of us who are or were obese beat ourselves up all the time. Some think they don't deserve anything. They settle for jerks in relationships. They don't take care of their health. They don't go out much. They think of themselves as fat, lazy, lacking willpower. It's a vicious cycle.

No matter what size you are - you matter. And you deserve happiness. And you deserve to be rid of the toxic people in your life. That is a very important lesson I learned a long time ago. If people don't treat you the way you deserve to be treated - they're gone. Life is too short to waste energy on them.

Each time you move forward with a life changing event - you will get stronger. And you will feel better. It takes time but it will happen.

You deserve joy in your life - whatever form it takes. Accept it. Joy and happiness are not about a size or weight. You are stronger than that.

Good luck.

I

[VSGmary 418]

@@JustWatchMe i read your post and it has me in tears, I just want to give you the biggest hug right now.

I wish you every success with your weight loss journey - because you really are worth it!! xox

[finediva 979]

@JustWatchMe. Yes! I am watching you and you are freaking a m a z i n g! Happy birthday girl!!!!!!!!!!!

[gowalking 10,790]

This is a moving and wonderful post. You are a beautiful and amazingly strong woman. It's very hard to change the patterns we live(d) by all our lives but you must understand how much you are loved and admired by your children...and even your mother. I know she has no awareness of how hurtful and cutting her remarks are. If she knew, she wouldn't say them.

But what's more important is the legacy you are giving to your girls. Rather than continue the cycle, they are learning from you how to be strong, independent women. You are the epitome of a good mother. You are teaching your girls what they need to be happy and successful people.

You deserve all the wonderful things in life. You are worthy of everything and anything you aspire to. I am constantly humbled by the amazing people I've met on this forum and you my friend are one of them.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

@@JustWatchMe

I want to hug you so much right now.

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

The support here is humbling. Thank you. You've given me a lot to think about. Healthy thinking!

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

@@Miss Mac

If she doesn't, I will!

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

Everytime I get ready to leave the site for good, someone like you posts something amazing that just keeps me coming back....and it's YOU this time! Thank you for your inspiration, your diligence, and your encouragement that we all get from your posts. I, too, will be 54 this year. I hope I can aspire to the graceful heights to where you have flown....NOW, dear lady, free yourself......

[Debbie3sons 1,936]

Do I Really have to say anything because you know how I feel & you are wonderful.

[parisshel 1,892]

What a thought-full post that has much to reflect upon. Thank you for writing this and I'm glad you put a voice to something so many of us have felt.

It's amazing what gets uncovered as we reclaim our true selves, right? And sometimes these things are quite uncomfortable, because they are new, and we need to allow ourselves to just sit with them until they aren't so new.

When we grow up fat, we sadly take on the sense of self that the world throws at us. Invisible, undeserving, subpar...so many negative outside comments that become our personal narrative.

When we shed the fat, our narrative changes. But it doesn't do it overnight, and it takes time to rewire our brains.

Thanks for being here, in the forum, and helping us with your honestly and boldness. I love stories of reinvention, and yours shows us it can be done.