Totally frustrated and don't know what to do

[Cleo's Mom 257]

Canyonbaby, you have just reiterated all of the "muck" that has come out of all our marriage counseling. Hubby has always maintained that my well being is what's most important to him. He feels like a "failure" as a husband because he's been "successful" in every area of his life except w me (he's a successful owner of 5 businesses who decided to quit drinking 17 years ago due to problems with alcohol). He's got a fighter mindset and is able to make a decision and just do it, no turning back. So he doesn't understand how I've gained so much weight over the years as when he gains a few pounds, he exercises and eats right and looses them. He admits his way of motivating me doesn't work. I've do the "get up and out" thing to avoid when I can and he knows it. He claims his morning nagging sessions are coming from a place of love and all he wants to do is reach me. Ok fine, so I don't understand why he just won't let me do it? I mean I'm going to do it. It's just whether I have his blessing or not. I just pray he loves me enough to keep his opinions to himself and keep my business private. When weight starts rapidly coming off, I don't trust he won't tell people when they make comments to him. Thank you, everyone so much! I have felt so alone for so long...having this forum has literally saved my life.

My husband loved me when we married and I weighed 122 lbs and continued to love me as I put on over 100 pounds in the next 32 years. He never once, not once, made a comment to me about my weight. I beat myself up plenty, though. He supported me as I struggled with every diet and exercise program. He supported me when I got breast cancer and I supported him when he got terminal cancer and took care of him until his death.

That is what a marriage is supposed to be - for better or worse. Sorry, I just don't buy that he is bullying you out of love or fear. That's not his job as a husband - to nag you about exercising. His job is to support you.

And I definitely would not be getting up at the crack of dawn to prove anything to him. He's not there to give you orders and you follow them. He's not your father and you're not a child.

If he wants to motivate you - tell him to be supportive of your decisions. You're an adult - you can make decisions.

If you lose the weight, like I said, you'll still be left with a husband who is a bully. Then what will he nag you about? Every food choice you make? You took the easy way out?

He sounds like a very controlling person. You are your own person. Make this decision for or against surgery for YOU - not for him.

[KS123 31]

Force him to attend a seminar for the surgery options? Make sure the seminar explains obesity as a disease that once obese your body's set point makes it nearly impossible to lose and SUSTAIN weight loss or ever get to a healthy weight. And how the surgery will reset your set point from day one down to a healthy weight in which the body can cope and be satisfied from the small portions. I am still doing my nutrition supervised diet and prob 5 more months before surgery. My husband said he supported me all along but since he never has had a weight issue (he has other issues trust me), he didn't get it either why I couldn't just eat one healthy meal a day and do some moderate exercising. I learned soooo much about this set point concept when I attended my seminar earlier this month and it finally clicked for me! I plan to make my hubby (even though he doesn't want to) go to that same seminar one of these next few months just for his education. Maybe consider doing that???

[abordenster 43]

Yeah! I was happy to read your last comment after reading the whole post. I would do it. Wait I did do it. It's been good for my family because I am not miserable anymore. People ask me what changed and I tell them well I lost 60 pounds and they are like it's not just that. I think they can see I am free of the weight. I have more control over what happens with it. I am happier. It's not an easy way out. It's work every day.

[Susan Mary 20]

Yoyolifechange: You go girl, you can and should do this!! It is not the easy way out by a longshot. It is a LIFETIME commitment, and it is just a tool to help you achieve your goal. Show your husband the before and after photos from gastric sleeve....that should convince him as well. Your kids are old enough to pitch in....mine are 15 and 16, and they are completely on board, along with my husband, for my March 31st sleeve surgery. They see how my weight gain over the past eight years has changed me, my personality, my health....they want the old, thin, healthy me back!!! Show him the positives about this surgery; include him so he'll understand. I pray you are successful in your Quest for the you YOU want to be!!

[ProjectMe 909]

@@yoyolifechange11 I read this thread and it made me unbelievably sad for what you are going through. It truly bothers me that your husband, for some reason, feels it's okay to repeat the same mantra to you each morning. It also bothers me greatly that you are in a situation where you do not have any power. What I mean by that is, you put yourself in a precarious position when you have no way of supporting yourself. Your husband can walk out the door tomorrow. What would you do to support yourself and your children? I volunteered at a battered woman's shelter throughout college. I read your post & unfortunately it takes me back there.

My mother was a stay at home mom. She saved money in her own account for years...a little here, a little there, begins to add up. My parents have been married for 55 years. But, she has always had her own money and told all of us girls to never rely on a man to "take care" of us. life's too short, and you can be poor & miserable by yourself. I was also a stay at home mom for my little ones untl they got to kindergarten. You'd better believe that I had my own money that whole time.

Edited March 21, 2015 by ProjectMe

[sharonintx 1,275]

Perhaps the husband is a big part of the unnecessary weight you are dragging around? No one deserves to be spoken to in that manner. Go ahead and have the surgery. You'll discover that the issues your husband repeatedly brings to your attention will diminish - specifically your weight. And with every pound you continue to lose you'll find that he comes up with new ones to complain about. You don't need to listen to a rude, uncaring hypocrite. My vote is lose both of your issues. The weight AND the husband.

[Pepper123 320]

Some ppl are just jerks..I mean i recall when my ex said some smart remark about my weight...I just looked at him like he's not there....Knowing full well what i had plan in December...And now one bloody pic he saw of me and he's all over the moon. Gain some independence for your self worth ,you are more than just your WEIGHT...Maybe its worth just telling him how you feel if he's the type that would listen and i mean really listen..Good luck and heres a virtual hug!!!!

[bubbles2015 30]

My husband never EVER would have hurt me with the words your husband uses, maybe you need to drop 180 pounds of unsupportive man. My husband loved me thin, FAT, OBESE and will love me thin again, because it is me he loves not my weight, I hope he comes around but I also hope you make the right choice for you and what will make YOU happy, lots of love and I I pray for you to make the right decision for yourself, support is a big deal because this surgery is a very big deal. Good luck.

[yoyolifechange11 18]

Thank you everyone for the advice and tough messages. I guess I never really realized how alone I have allowed myself to become over the years. I appreciate the insight and will be thinking about it a lot. Still moving forward with my consult on April 2, although I'm so on board with doing this I don't see how I can wait 6 months!! Insurance will pay but it seems like 6 months of hoop jumping to get there. I'm ready now....

[Miss Mac 6,261]

Instead of thinking....I love him, so why does he treat me this way? Start thinking.......Why would Iove someone who treats me this way?

My boyfriend of nine years (he is 64, I am 63) loves me any way I am. I weighed 185 pounds when we met, and gained another 50 pounds due to orthopedic and mobility issues. Even though he has never asked me to change anything about myself, he has been supportive of my sleeve surgery and recovery. One thing I love about him is that he sees me as sexy and voluptuous at any weight. Even at our age, we have our rowdy time with the lights on. (At least once a week) I don't need to hide in the dark because he makes me feel loved and wanted, no. matter. what.

Whether you are big or small your feelings and nerve endings still work, and you guys are missing out on one of the best exercises there is. Tell him the first exercise you want to do every day is to throw him on his back so you can get on your pony and ride!

My other concern is ....when did you give away your control over your body, medical care and mental health? How is he in the kitchen? While he is berating your food choices, is he bringing in pizza and Krispy Kreme Donuts? Is he willing to take a morning or after dinner walk with you? Stand up for yourself. Don't give up on having a voice for yourself.

[bubbles2015 30]

The six months will go by faster than you think and I was thinking about the things your hubby says. Maybe he just needs you to be fat and insecure and knowing that you are making moves to be thin he is scared that you will learn what you have known all along. you are a strong, beautiful woman with confidence. You are a super threat and maybe he needs you vulnerable, I think the way you have been thinking it through will be good for you in the end. I watched every youtube video I could find, the good, the bad and the ugly but I prepared and it sounds like you are doing that too, all of your appointments in these upcoming months will make you learn and become a pro Good luck lots of prayers for you and your family

[Pepper123 320]

@@Miss Mac....u are tooo adorable and right!!

[Miss Mac 6,261]

I am trying to keep up with Suzanne Sommers, but it's a full-time job!

[Babbs 14,680]

@@Miss Mac

I heart you

[onmywaytoonederland 236]

The next six months are going to fly by and stand still at the same time. Take advantage of the time and learn everything you can about the life change and dietary requirements you are about to embark on. Read the forums and educate yourself. Do THIS FOR YOU. I have a feeling you are entering an enlightening phase of your life, in many aspects. Get ready for it and be prepared to soar.