For Parents: How'd I do on a discipline issue?

Alexandra · June 3, 2007

Last night DH and I went out for our anniversary date, leaving the girls--Gillian, almost 9, and Catie, just turned 6--with a familiar babysitter (S). We got home before bedtime, and entered the house to find both girls sitting sheepishly at the kitchen table and S saying "the girls have something to tell you" in a very stern voice.

Uh oh. :rolleyes:

Turns out that after S had told Catie not to play outside because it was about to rain, the girls disappeared upstairs to sulk. Or so S thought. When S went to find them a few minutes later, she couldn't locate them. I can only imagine her mounting panic as she looked around the house, in the front and back yards, and asking our tenant to help search. FINALLY, after about 30 minutes of growing fear, S found the girls bouncing on a neighbor's trampoline where they had gone without so much as a by-your-leave. :angry

When she got them home they were extremely contrite (perhaps because they'd never seen S so angry), and came up themselves with the idea of a) writing a thank-you note to the tenant for helping search, and :star: reporting the incident themselves to us when we got home. That was the reason for the assembly in the kitchen. (As it unfolded, though, S did most of the talking because Gillian was in tears--quiet, utterly guilty tears--the whole time, and Catie just looked at her lap.)

This is a HUGE infraction, obviously. S didn't even know the trampoline existed, which is our fault, but on the other hand the girls KNOW they aren't allowed to leave the premises without permission. S didn't realize there was an attraction just two houses away where she might think to look for her errant charges, so the episode went on a bit longer than it would have otherwise.

Needless to say, we were very, very unhappy about this. The punishments we considered were:

1) Grounding the girls for some period of time. This would mean missing a birthday party and play date scheduled for today, but probably wouldn't have had much other effect going forward.

2) No sleepovers for 2 months.

3) No trampoline for 2 months.

We decided on the last because it cuts directly to the quick of their infraction. They had been going over to the neighbor's to play on their tramp on weekends provided 1) they told us where they were going and 2) they asked permission of the neighbors. They might have done 2 last night but they didn't do 1, so this particular privilege is being taken away.

Does this punishment seem too lenient? I am moved by the way the girls were honest about it and didn't wait for S to report their infraction, and also moved by Gillian's obvious repentence. She is overall a VERY responsible girl and this is a real departure for her. The trampoline is one of their favorite things to do and they'll really feel its loss. (They're being prohibited from playing not only on this particular trampoline, but ANY trampoline they might come across, and there are a couple at friends' houses.)

travelgirl · June 3, 2007

Alexandra, I think you and DH did ok. It sounds like this will be a hardship for them, so it seems appropriate. I can only imagine what the sitter must have gone through when she didn't find them...

DerickM · June 3, 2007

nah, just beat them till' they squeal, otherwise they won't respect you.

(just kidding)

KariK · June 3, 2007

a LONG time ago when I was a babysitter I had a similar incident while watching 4 children. They just took off to a neighbors while I went inside to diaper the youngest. I had to knock on neighbors doors for a similar amount of time until I found them.. It was sooo scary I was about to call the parents and police. Needless to say I refused to ever watch those kids again lol. They were and still are decent kids tho, but boy it really did scare the bejesus outa me.

Tricia K. · June 3, 2007

Even though I'm a step-parent, I'm going to chime in. I think your punishment is appropriate for the infraction. Taking away access to the very thing they snuck out to play on will teach them a great lesson. Obviously, your girls are very mature for their ages and know the difference between right and wrong. However, sometimes certain things can be extremely tempting and children will still cave in. Heck, we as adults tend to do the same thing at times.

And, as much as some parents don't seem to understand, children want to be punished and will respect their parents greatly because of it. I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir on that one, but wanted to state it nonetheless.

Alexandra · June 3, 2007

a LONG time ago when I was a babysitter I had a similar incident while watching 4 children. They just took off to a neighbors while I went inside to diaper the youngest. I had to knock on neighbors doors for a similar amount of time until I found them.. It was sooo scary I was about to call the parents and police. Needless to say I refused to ever watch those kids again lol. They were and still are decent kids tho, but boy it really did scare the bejesus outa me.

This is what we were afraid of, that S wouldn't want to come back! But she knows our daughters well, which is one of the reasons she didn't suspect for a while that they might actually have gone elsewhere. We have a large house with lots of hiding places, so S and my tenant spent a good time just searching in the house, thinking the girls were hiding. They were listening for giggling.

And, as much as some parents don't seem to understand, children want to be punished and will respect their parents greatly because of it. I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir on that one, but wanted to state it nonetheless.

I know this is true, but in our lives it just hasn't come up very much (thank goodness!). We have rules that--until yesterday--the girls follow quite well. I guess there's a first time for everything.

And Tricia, WOW, you look amazing! :biggrin1:

Devana · June 3, 2007

I think it's totally appropriate, Alexandra. If there is a lesson to be learned, it sounds like they had it by the time they were sitting at the table. The trampoline restriction is just emphasising the point.

If it was me I probably would have made the restriction for one month rather than two. One summer month without the trampoline is plenty for them to get the point at this age. At this age a whole summer feels like a lifetime.

Tricia K. · June 3, 2007

I know this is true, but in our lives it just hasn't come up very much (thank goodness!). We have rules that--until yesterday--the girls follow quite well. I guess there's a first time for everything.

I thought as much, which is why I imagined I was preaching to the choir. :rolleyes:

And Tricia, WOW, you look amazing! :biggrin1:

Thank you!

Alexandra · June 3, 2007

If it was me I probably would have made the restriction for one month rather than two. One summer month without the trampoline is plenty for them to get the point at this age. At this age a whole summer feels like a lifetime.

We thought about that, too. But the trampoline in question is the neighbor's (we don't own one), and as it is the kids are only allowed to use it on weekends. We figured four weekends wasn't really enough, because with school ending and camp starting it would go by in a flash. Adding in the first couple of weekends in July made it something they'd really notice.

Devana · June 4, 2007

That makes total sense. Don't you just love it? I don't mean the scary part when they can't be found, but the gentle, growing responsibility.

gadgetlady · June 4, 2007

I think it's a very appropriate punishment, especially since they were already in the remorse stage when you got back. That is the goal more than anything else -- that they understand the significance of what they did, how it affected the people around them, and how unacceptable it was. The removal of the privilege punctuates it well.

green · June 4, 2007

It makes sense to me. The punishment should fit the crime. Your two kids sound like nice girls. They were filled with contrition by the time you had come home.

Lucy · June 4, 2007

It's great that you have wonderful, respectful children. My feelings are, if you want them to stay that way, you will enforce rules, even if they only break them once. Your punishment isn't fun but that's not the point of punishment. It's reasonable and will stick with your kids -- I doubt they will pull a reapeat disappearing act anytime soon.

And when they are older they will thank you for not just blowing it off. I was a stubborn child and was punished a lot for breaking the rules. I can't imagine where I would be if my parents had never punished me.

jillrn · June 5, 2007

I would also have them write an apology letter to "S" and mail it to her. There's something about putting something in writing. Do they understand the danger they could have been in?? Do they understand how bad it would be to take a police officer away from something to look for kids that were just playing down the road? I would discuss it with them.