Feeling hurt and empty

[wolfmom71 6]

I have no idea what this normal or not . But since I had my sleeve done. I have had people been acting werid . Before I had surgery my family and (some) friends , would not be seen with me. since my surgery they want me to fo with them . And they put me on display for their friends to see how much I lost or how I look now. Makes me feel so uncomfortable and self conscience how I look. After 7 months of this it gotten to the point. To where I am hearing. I will not be smaller then them. Or I hear looks like your getting bigger. How long will this last before i get bigger? How does some one deal with this? I am depressed and wanting to give up on what I did so far. Does anyone else have this going on with people in there life? And feel so alone?

[BLERDgirl 6,417]

Find some new friends. Channel that hurt into new social situations. Join a few groups on meetup .com or sign up for a class at the local community college. True friends would not shun you because of you size or be threatened by your weight loss. You deserve better. I would never accept that in my life. If you like me, you like me for who I am, not my physicality.

[natashab1219 17]

Disregard the negativity. You have a done a great job. This is a hard and long journey already and any extra stress isn't allowed. I am happy for you!!!!!! Where you are today and where you will be in the future. I am also a June Sleever and I dont allow people comments to get me down. It only gives me the extra strength to reach my goal :-)

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Well, I agree with emersing yourself with supportive people.

I also suggest you get some counseling and look at this objectively. It MIGHT be you are projecting some of this.

When I first lost all that weight - I FELT like everyone was looking at me. Originally, I thought they were staring because I looked so bad. At some point I realized that might have been illogical, because i was definately looking better after losing about half my body weight. So, i got to goal about 2 years ago. I no longer feel like people are staring at me. What changed? I would guess my mindset is the main thing that changed.

[newlanashegog 61]

New friends.... If they aren't with you they are against you. Think about it, they have always treated you shady anyway. Not hanging out with you because you were a BBW? They can all go to hell... In an oven. Sweetie, friends don't treat friends like that.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,357]

Being looked at as their trophy eh. Them hoping that you will not succeed eh. Parading you around like some prized cat. You look at these people as friends. I think not. They are using you as a form of entertainment.

It is not about them. It is about you and how you are feeling about what they are doing. It is about why you made the choice to take this path. It is about you caring about yourself no matter if you lose another 50 lbs or gain 10. It is not for their personal pleasure or whatever they are getting out of it.

I went through a similar thing with one of my friends. And blankly told her that if she paraded me one more time we would no longer be friends. She stopped. It was my choice to dump her if she did not comply. You have to decide how much you are willing to endure for these people.

Me I dumped a pile of useless weight of so called friends and am now looking for real friends to replace them. Family, well that is an entirely different matter. You know what. I now look for quality. I just took anybody before. so it will be up to you hun to make the stand. What they are doing is just another form of abuse. It should not effect them one little bit what size you were or are now. They as friends should be looking at what is under the flesh. If they are not..Then they are not friends. They are living through your own personal experience as if they deserve to. And by the way they don't!!!!!!!!!!!!

I agree with @@CowgirlJane counseling may help.

Everyone deserves to be treated well. And if you feel like you are not, get out of it!

Me, well no one knows me anymore so it is much easier. No one recognizes me! So in a sense I am now invisible...and I love it!

[getbacktome 2]

I hate to say this but you can't really hold everyone responsible for their lameness because OUR WHOLE SOCIETY INCLUDING YOU are weight conscious, it's ingrained in everyone's psychy and heavily reinforced by the media on a minute by minute basis. I swear I'm not trying to sound harsh at all. I'm just saying that check in with your feelings and be very gentle with yourself. Watch out for wanting too much approval from other people and soothe and help yourself because in the end it's all we've got. People are going to definitely act differently when you lose because OUR SOCIETY HAS A VERY SICK PROBLEM AND THAT IS >>FAT PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO BE DISCRIMINATED AGAINST AND IT'S ACCEPTED BY SOCIETY. I know from experience. I used to be stick thin and I had 1,000 "friends" and when I gained 70 pounds, all and I mean ALL of these "friends" would no longer even talk to me or they'd act like I was in a circus cage behind bars to be stared at with a weird look on their face. I literally even had people actively not talk to me or ignore me when they saw me at the grocery store or on the street. At first it was absolutely devastating, but I realized that I have to soothe myself and not constantly seek approval or seek disapproval (yes I began looking for how people were shitty to me to "prove" that people were shitty) from others. It's up to you to learn to enjoy who you are at any stage and to support yourself. I'm in a situation where I have no family to support and love me - barely. My whole family (I had 4 brothers and sisters) fell apart when my parents died, everyone started fighting over money when others died or they went off the deep end w sub abuse, so I've had to learn to get along in life alone and to enjoy myself and choose who I hang out with. That's the power you have is to choose your own people you're with, you don't have to be around anyone you don't want to. If it was me, tho I'd give them a pass, because "they know not what they do" They, along with you me and everyone else unfortunately have been brainwashed to warship thin beautiful people by the media. It's not ok, but it's the way it is. It's even biological to seek out beauty, for survival. I know, it's weird but true. You can't change that about them or anyone else, you can only change what you choose to focus on and how you choose to react to it. You can practice only looking at positive things about everyone around you and accepting yourself and everyone else. It'll only help your journey to begin to feel better and not depressed. Life is short, learn to soothe yourself and choose what you focus on. Negative things or positive things. Take care of yourself.

[AvaFern 3,516]

Your friends made me really appreciate my own! I am fortunate in that my closest friends were completely happy to be seen with me when I was fat and when I'm thin. I'm even luckier that my friends are still my friends given the fact that while I was fat I was a social hermit. I felt like I would be embarrassing them by being seen in public with them. I haven't seen some of the people I regularly talk to in probably years because I was so ashamed of going out, and recently when I've started asking if they want to do dinner or go see a movie, every single one of them has been like, yeah totally, let's do it! I saw this poster the other day that applies to me. "The most memorable people in life are those who loved you when you weren't lovable". I wasn't unloveable because I was fat, but rather because I was completely miserable and not much fun to be around, and now that I am a much happier, fun person, the same people who were kind to me when I was a monster, are just as kind to me now. Go for people who love you no matter what, and move away from those who don't.

On another note, my friends don't mention my weight loss unless I bring it up, and even my acquaintances- people I see at the gym, people I don't talk to very often, may occassionally compliment me, but very rarely do they make a big deal of it. I have no doubts that there are a few people who are waiting for me to get fat again and will likely laugh at me behind my back, but eh, that's how the world works. They don't have to be called my friends though.

[BLERDgirl 6,417]

I agree with @CowgirlJane. You may want to get some counseling because there may be a self esteem issue at play as well. You deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else. Please don't settle for anything less.

[Stevehud 1,790]

i guess im lucky my friends love to talk about how good i look and offer encouragement. I will say you mentioned they put you on display to show off your weight loss. Why are you uncomfortable with that? it seems like thats a huge compliment. I mean, are they doing it snidely or making jokes about you? I personally look forward to looking better to show it off a bit, how can you resist not doing that? Then there is the most obvious , instead of dumping your friends ( like friends grow on trees cmon people) maybe say hey guys lets not talk about the weight loss please. How do people know what you want unless you speak up and tell them? Maybe they think they are just being friendly and supportive by saying how good you look. And if someone says you won't get thinner than they are..so what? let them think it, then if you do, they wont be able to say anything. I will say why would your family or friends not be seen with you prior to surgery, because you were fat? if thats the case then you describe them wrong when you say friend or family. change that to someone you know and relative. no friend would not be seen with you. Now is it possible that was in your mind? or did they all come out and say hey we wont be seen with you because your not thin?

[wolfmom71 6]

Sorry i thought last response was posted.I am in cousling for my depression. And i did lose see friends over it. But yes I know it because of my weight. That my family and friends didn't want to seen out I'm public with me. They would have things like going out or have family stuff but I was not invited . But sin e I lost 80 pounds now they want to see me with out they find away to make feel uncomfortable about how I look now. So I tool some your advice and I am Appling it. So far no change. So been trying to stay away from the negative pople still struggling but thank you

[beachhippie217 7]

They are not your friends behaving like that and your family should be ashamed of themselves for saying those things. They are setting you up to fail. Are any of them overweight?? If they are they may be jealous. I have dealt with this stuff my whole life. I was always the token fat girl of the group. I just had surgery 6 days ago. I have to tell you I feel so empowered and have more confidence than I ever did before. You have chosen to take control of your life by having this surgery. It's not an easy decision, and you basically are admitting you are out of control. However; WE did something about it. There are only 4 people that know I had surgery. My parents, a friend that is currently overweight, and a friend that has a lap band. IT IS NOONES BUSINESS if you have surgery. The less people that know the better. It's one more thing for people to judge you on. They will police everything you eat, and will point out your mistakes and make you feel bad about it when you will have already made yourself feel bad enough about it. You need to surround yourself with new friends or join a support group. You have to put yourself first- It is all about you sweetie and don't let anyone else tell you different. Own your actions, don't own theirs if they have to tear you down to feel better, they are the ones with the problem. If they want to put you on display; don't put yourself in that situation. You are not an object. Nor is it their right to tell anyone that you had surgery!! People never look at a fat person and think about what may have caused them to be that way. They judge and assume you are lazy. It's always easy to point fingers at everyone else but ourselves. You have to learn to love yourself. That is what I am starting to do now. If you get treatment for your depression and find some genuine friends you will be fine. I hope that one day you can love yourself so no matter what anyone says it won't affect you. Just remember "it's all about you!!" Hugs!!

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

No matter how people treat us, it's up to us to draw clear boundaries and honor those boundaries ourselves and to ensure that others honor them, too.

If you're having trouble drawing those boundaries or honoring them enforcing others to honor them, perhaps counseling can help you learn how to do a better job of all that .

Good luck to you. You can take back back control of your own life and your dignity.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Steve,

I am not speaking for OP, but for myself.

You are perhaps not aware of how strongly females are emotionally tied to their perception of how other people see them. It is a terrible consequence of our media based society that glorifies an image of perfection that is not actually real. As a consquence, even beautiful girls think they are too fat, short, tall, wrong color of hair/skin, ...you name it.

Okay, so then you throw in big changes to your appearance. Even positive changes sort of throw you off kilter. As I mentioned before, i went through a time when it felt like EVERYONE was looking at me. I thought it was because i look really bad. At some point, I realized that didn't make any sense - what was really happening is I was becoming "UN invisible" and I wasn't used to it!

Now back to OP, you have some tactless friends. I don't know if they intend to unkind, but you are clearly feeling put on the spot. Since you are in counseling, how about doing some role playing or other techniques to practice asserting your needs?

I have also chosen to reduce time spent with less supportive people. significantly reduce. I cannot emphasize this enough.

i guess im lucky my friends love to talk about how good i look and offer encouragement. I will say you mentioned they put you on display to show off your weight loss. Why are you uncomfortable with that? it seems like thats a huge compliment. I mean, are they doing it snidely or making jokes about you? I personally look forward to looking better to show it off a bit, how can you resist not doing that? Then there is the most obvious , instead of dumping your friends ( like friends grow on trees cmon people) maybe say hey guys lets not talk about the weight loss please. How do people know what you want unless you speak up and tell them? Maybe they think they are just being friendly and supportive by saying how good you look. And if someone says you won't get thinner than they are..so what? let them think it, then if you do, they wont be able to say anything. I will say why would your family or friends not be seen with you prior to surgery, because you were fat? if thats the case then you describe them wrong when you say friend or family. change that to someone you know and relative. no friend would not be seen with you. Now is it possible that was in your mind? or did they all come out and say hey we wont be seen with you because your not thin?

[beachhippie217 7]

I agree with cowgirl. It is completely different for men vs women. I really do hope you find the strength and courage to stand up to your family and tell them the way they are treating you is unacceptable. It may be difficult; but you know what- you are worth it!! If you don't respect yourself no one else will. Maybe if you stand up for yourself they will back off and maybe change their behaviors. If they don't then maybe limit your time spent with them. Right now you really need to be around positive and supportive people. It's really a difficult situation when your family are the ones making you feel bad about yourself. I can't even imagine how you feel. There are people to talk to and people who will just listen. sometimes just getting your feelings out helps with the stress and anxiety of it all. Take one day at a time and do your best to get thru it. Hugs!!!