Ok had a huge fight with my other half where I was told yet again how selfish I am and the roll of the eyes when I say I can't lift a 50 lb bag of feed. I hid and sucked on a half an almond roca. ????????????????????. I'm scared of what this is going to do.. Tummy is talking and I feel like I'm about to learn about why this is a no no. Apparently I still use sugar as a drug. Why do I insist on punishing myself when I'm upset with others. Ugh

It's hard to change old habits so don't beat yourself up. Maybe look at the things in your life that cause you stress and what you can do to change it Just remember that eventually we have to take responsibility for what we do even when we are responding to someone elses behaviour. Its tough! Good luck

Many occasionally have a weak moment and may or may not pay for it. The most difficult part of surgery is dealing with what is going on in your head. What activity can you replace eating sugar with to deal with stress or anger? Maybe counting, deep breathing, meditating, distracting yourself, singing a song in your head, etc. If I want to eat something I haven't tracked in my diary I like to come on here or go look at IG #wls or #vsg. Lots of inspirational pics to motivate me on there!

@@Countrygrrl

Oh yes, I can relate. I have been using food as a coping skill for stress for years. Yesterday I was in a argument with my husband. I decided not to respond out of anger and took myself to the gym to process the situation. The anger turned out to work in my favor. I pushed myself harder, I jogged further and ended up with a joggers high. For me working out is a better coping skill then junk food has ever been for me. I get lost in my music. It does so much for my mental health. I hope you find a new way to deal with stress.

Well, the almond roca was a small price to pay to recognize this big trigger and its significance.

Next step -- figure out how to respond differently to this particular trigger.

Like @@jenn1 I quickly realized I had to plan new coping skills. So now if I am upset I go for a walk. Once you realize your triggers you have to give yourself new options or you fall back on old behaviors

FYI, no one should you be asking you to lift a 50 lb bag of anything 1 week after surgery. As you know, you need take good are of yourself right now and you still have a lot of healing to do. You require caretaking and support right now and as is sometimes the case, it might require something radical to get that. I've always loved the term, "Radical Self Care." Taking care of one self shouldn't be radical or an act of rebellion but for many of us, it is.

I'm less concerned about the Almond Roca - it is a good learning experience and you will be doing a lot of learning and re-learning in these early months. I'm more concerned about you getting support and love during this process - the more of that, the less Almond Roca will even call out to you.

So I'm a big list girl. I've made my Sponsee's do it for years. So I made a list of available go too's other than shove a pice of sugar in my mouth. And now it's on my bedside table. Since we tend to argue in bed the most. I also realizes that most my poor junk food moment have been that time of night while dealing with arguments or pretending we have no problems.

I'm sorry you were told unfairly that you were being selfish. We all have used food for coping for many, many years and that won't go away overnight. I've eaten the wrong thing or too much of something and my stomach definitely told me NO! And I paid for it for a few hours. It's the best deterent. Please take care and forgive yourself

It is no secret around here that bariatric surgery will expose the raw dynamics of a relationship.... good or bad. I am concerned that he thinks you should be lifting that heavy stuff at all - even if you did not just have surgery.

My mean ol' rotten ex- husband expected me at age 54 to be doing the work of a 25 year old male farm hand.......lifting concrete blocks, cleaning out the chimney (from the roof) working under the truck, cleaning out the underside of the riding mower, putting heavy logs on the truck....all kinds of things that I was physically struggling to do at 100 pounds overweight and with dangerously high blood pressure which eventually caused me to have a stroke.

Once he forced me to shovel snow after a blizzard (27" deep plus drifts) down a driveway about 80' long. When I complained of knee pain afterward he accused me of trying to get out of the work, and refused to let me go to the doctor. As it turns out, I had torn my meniscus and eventually had to have a knee replacement because the knee healed wonky because of not being treated.

Add that to other crazy stuff he was doing and you can see why I had to escape to a womens' shelter in the middle of the night. What I am saying is this: I suspect this is just the tip of the iceburg and you need to pay attention to how he treats you at other times - at home and in public. Just because you may live out in the country doesn't mean that you have to be treated like a hired hand. And especially freshly post-op. When I finally had a chance to get myself to a doctor, I told him what was happening, and he simply said "Then why are you still there?"

One thing they told me at the shelter was that women who get used to abuse will typically start abusing themselves through isolation or detrimental habits. When you said you went straight for the yummies, I thought about all the times I escaped to the Krispy Kreme Donuts on the shelf. I had gained 80 pounds in the ten years I was with him.

So, until you can fully examine the true nature of your relationship - be strong. Don't let him or any negative nellies get to you. You have feelings to and need to stand up for yourself. And if you are afraid to stand up for yourself and have your own mind, then that is red flag about your marriage.

I am all for folks working things out, but not if you have to lose your true self in the process. I wish you good luck and good health. Take care.

I'm really started to wonder. I love my other half. I honestly do. I think that the shedding lbs are shedding more than I ever expected. I may have to find some therapy. But when I was young I went through a a few honest abusive relationship. The kind I couldn't ignore. That breaking point was fighting off a stabbing for half an hr. It was blamed on his drinking drugs.

I feel like perhaps I've ignored verbal emotional cuts from this relationship because it's not what I know abuse feels like. I don't fear for my safety. But the controlling, the attempts to destroy any self esteem left is becoming more obvious every lb I loose. Today I was getting ready to go out with my guys. Put on my cute dress my heels I can fit not ( my feet are loosing weight) make up hair and I was fishing for a compliment... So so stupid like leading with my chin! I said, "I've lost 31 lbs since my pre op diet and I can't even tell." You can see my bobber floating in the water and yes! Bait is grabbed. "No....you can tell." In a low monotone voice. Me thinking yes I'm gonna hear something positive. I smile and say,where? My feet?"Smiling flirty kinda hoping I may be late for my shopping date. And I see it I just gave the opening to be hurt. " no your tummies getting all flabby." Me nodding grabbing my bag not willing to show it hurt. I hear that I condescending laugh I'm use to. " you use to be firm at least now it's kinda gross." I glare " your such an asshole." Walking out I hear. "You gonna have mommy pay for a tummy tuc too?" Now I'm sitting in my car re applying my make up. Wondering is this my hormones due to surgery or is this as bad as I think. I tried to cancel on my guys and that was shot down hard! They have been dying to start my shopping for my first goal wardrobe. And these silly queens just want to make sure it's something they can borrow. I feel like posting this showing too much and reminds me off the hiding behavior in my past relationship... Crap

You are not imagining it ... it really is that bad. That exchange is very telling and he obviously knows just where to cut to hurt you the most.

Others can hopefully give you a more eloquent reply, but please know that you are not alone and you are most definitely NOT overreacting or imagining things.

Many of us have been there in our lives and still lived happily ever after. Well, once we ditched the verbal/mental abuser in our lives we lived happily ever after (alone or with new, loving spouses).

Hugs to you.

Another red flag is when the verbal and emotional abuse goes from the kitchen to the Walmart.

Same meanie I mentioned earlier told me that "Every time you lose weight you get jowls". Not long after that in the Walmart he said out loud "I am getting sick and tired of looking at your ugly face". That stuff hurts and can't be fluffed of when e says "I'm kidding. Can't you take a joke."

How about "You are a lot easier to get along with when you drink more."

I ignored the red flags for a long time, even when he threw things at me. It wasn't until he started to mistake me for a punching bag, that I finally left.

Maybe this will help: instead of thinking......I love him, so why does he treat me this way?.......start thinking.....Why would I love someone who treats me this way?

Omg can't you take a joke and get over yourself is daily.

Not gonna lie I chew up a Cookie and spit it out. Gonna call my best friend she's a councilor .... Who can't stand my other half and ask for a referral.

Just an update. I took action and got a therapist info and made the initial call. Self care is not an easy thing