female only Small anger issues with men

[Shorty5 44]

I have lost 80 pounds since April I find I am having some anger directed towards men. It comes from the way they treated me before (mostly ignoring or avoiding me) and they way they treat me now that i am more "normal weight" (like they treat every one else, some even flirting with me). I'm still the same person I was before inside, why the difference in treatment? Kinda makes me mad.

Anyone else have that issue? How did you deal with it? Do you eventually get over it?

[Mrs.RRn 2,110]

I hate it.

[Rogofulm 2,440]

Hello. Man, here. Many guys are pretty shallow about looks, but many gals are too. How many of us guys were flirted with when we were 100+ overweight? And I know that it's even worse for women. But our society as a whole is prejudiced against the weight-challenged. Does it suck? Yep! Is there anything you can do about it? Probably not. You can see it in hiring, promotions, salary increases, and everywhere else. How many times have you heard someone refer to "that fat slob" on the radio or TV? Somehow, it's still the last "acceptable" form of discrimination. So I would suggest that perhaps your anger could be aimed at a wider target. Maybe you can start a non-profit organization against weight discrimination. Or... Just try to move past it. Recognize that it's unfair (it is!), but we are responsible for our own emotions. Then choose the more positive outlook. "Hey, people are finally recognizing me for the terrific person I am inside, because they're no longer intimidated by my outside." You've lost 80 pounds -- that's amazing! Run with that and keep if going!!!

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Here is another perspective ... can you really blame them?

When I weighed 300#, not only was i much less attractive, i didn't feel good physically, i did not radiate a positive life energy and my fatsuit provided a nice comfy protective layer.

I am 3 years post op and I look remarkably different (click on my profile for before and after photos) but what I realize mostly is that I ACT remarkably different.I am less self protective, more comfortable in my own skin, more self confident as a woman. I have a girlfriend who knew me both pre, during and post weight loss. She said something very insightful to me. She told me i was always polite, but a bit distant before. She said now... I am like a magnet, attracting people.. even SHE wants to be with me more and it has very little to do with my looks.

So, yes, it is easy to blame the guys or whatever, but the truth of it is that we play a role in this too.

Now that I am trim and live a healthy, active lifestyle,I don't associate much with unfit people either. It is NOT because I am a "hater" it is because I want a certain very active lifestyle and want to surround myself with like minded people - those who would rather hike over going to a buffet. Who would rather kayak than watch a movie about it. etc etc.

I think taking personal responsibility for at least a part of this "shift" is a good first step.

another thing that I am noticing, looks are just the key to get the door open, in the end it is about the person anyway. I get lots of positive remarks about my appearance - but generally from wildly inappropriate "matches" - like way younger for example - and so it is just background noise to me these days. You may find your point of view on this changes over time...

[Shorty5 44]

I act exactly the same as I did before. No matter what size, I have always been confident, outgoing, and very fun to be around, all my girlfriends would tell you so. So I am convinced it is just the weight.

I know that the anger should be directed at society in general, but that has always been there for me. This new anger is more personal than that. These are men I have worked with for years, male acquaintances at my kids' school suddenly saying hello to me instead of looking right thru me, when I have known who they were for years....

And I know many women are shallow, too. But I am not and I am just posting about how I am feeling. I can try to reason myself out of it all I want, but I still get that feeling of anger when an incident happens. Like "Oh NOW you say hello to me. NOW I'm good enough to say good morning to..."

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Well, I emphathize with your feelings - I really do.

It is also possible that it is our age difference. I was in my late 40s when I hit goal and I kinda dug being the new found hottie at work, at the check out line and out dancing..haha. Maybe when younger I wouldnt have been as accepting of this shift...

I would have also said that - I am just the same as i always was and everyone else changed. I have loving, trusted friends who have told me ...no, no you aren't. I believe them and I am embracing the tweaks to my external personality. Deep down, my heart is still the same, but i do believe that how it seems on the outside HAS changed.

[bikrchk 1,313]

I have to agree with @@CowgirlJane! I am a changed person inside and out. I've gone from introvert to extrovert, pessimist, to optimist. I didn't understand it when I was almost 100 pounds heavier, but I wouldn't have wanted to date the male version of me then! Not just because of the physical aspects, but because I see now that I was not in a happy place. I let what others said or thought piss me off on a regular basis.

Since surgery, I've had compliments from my mother and my boss to the effect of, "you're a happier, positive person now". Today, I enjoy being around confident, healthy, active people who like to have FUN! I don't apologize for enjoying the extra attention and accept it as a compliment for the work I've put in. It's rare that I "hear" anything negative because that's just not how I'm wired now. If they're on my side, yay them! If not, 'eff 'em, I don't need that in my life.

Just my 2 cents, but it's how I cope, I guess.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Even my son told me...I am a different person.

[Shorty5 44]

But I am NOT a different person. I act exactly the same way I always have. I was never not confident. I never had low self esteem. I did the surgery for the health benefits, not the looks.

It is not my insides that have changed. It is only my outsides and it is making ME angry to be treated differently.

So I ask again, has anyone else had this experience and how did you handle it? Did the angry reactions eventually fade away?

[Lani789 128]

This came out in my psych consult. The psychologist said this will happen. He said men in particular will treat you differently. I started to rail about the unfairness, etc and he said, this will happen. It is not fair but it is what happens. I calmed down to listen and he asked are you attracted to men who are 200 pounds overweight? Ummmm....not really. Well men aren't as attracted to women who are overweight.

I have male friends who are overweight and am attracted because I know them and don't see the weight. Unfortunately for someone who doesn't know us, they see weight first and not the caring, fun, exciting, generous person. So I am not in the situation yet but I will always wonder if/when there is a guy in my life would he have been attracted to me at my starting weight? It's sad, but I think I know the answer even now....

[Shorty5 44]

Yes, I do understand and accept all of that as far as dating goes. I guess what I am wondering at the root of all of this is, then: WHY does whether or not a man is attracted to you affect the way he interacts with you in public (non-dating) situations?? I mean, I am no more deserving now of a "good morning" greeting from one of my kids' classmates' married fathers than I was last year at the higher weight.

I may not be attracted to men that are hundreds of pounds overweight, but in public, non-dating situations, I certainly don't ignore them or treat them as if they are invisible. And to be honest, I didn't realize that I was being treated that way until it changed for the better. And now I'm kinda ticked about it.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I did not experience what you are talking about at work. I feel that people that respected my work were pretty non judgemental about my obesity. They knew and know me -worked there for 20plus years, which is really different than dad of a student...more of a distant relationship.

What did happen to me at work post weight loss was the "Holy S###, you look HOT" . I admit I loved it even if it was awkward at times.

[woo woo 872]

I think you hit on something there when you said something about being treated as if you are invisible.

That's the reason. Nobody was purposely ignoring you, it was more like they just didn't notice you there before -- and now they do. It is what it is.

Look, the world is an unfair place. The sooner you accept this, the happier you will be in life.

[jerseygrl6289 19]

I can completely relate to this. I have yet to have the surgery but was thin in college and remember all the attention from men I received. And like you said it's not about having a man fawn over you or flirt, just being acknowledged as a human being is critical for all of us. At work, my boss would overlook me constantly and always talk to the thinner girls. Men everywhere would ignore me. It's horrible to feel invisible. It's not that I need the validation of men, it's just that horrible feeling that people don't place any worth in you because you're overweight. I too am a very kind, funny, and upbeat person. It does illicit anger in me as well but I try not to fixate on it. People are shallow and I think now that I'm going through this whole process, it's made me a lot more sensitive to how I interact with everyone. I guess we could stay angry about it or just choose to be kind in spite of it.