I threw in the towel, and gave up!

[TatorTot 44]

My thoughts have been all over the place mostly wondering how people think they can tell you what to do or how to live, or even how to fail.

About 14yrs ago I went in for a consultation for surgery and was told I was too emotional, and it wasn't in my best interest to have it done, this is when I was diagnosed with bipolar. The surgeon told me that emotional eating is the number one cause for failure of surgery. Oh great I came in here to change my life for the better and I feel like he is already making me feel like I will fail at this.

I decided to go on a diet instead and of course the story of my life, I went on probably 10 of them, of course they worked. I just gained it all back and then some.

Fast forward to now, I am 57 and decided that is it, I want to be skinny for the 3rd time in my life, I have been in care of mental health system for years and stabilized for years.

I moved to another state and couldn't find a job that paid insurance so I decided to try the Veterans Administration, and I got approved. I started to see a dietician there and she got me on the right track and I ate sensibly for 15 mos and lost 30lbs, it didn't seem alot to me since I could lose that much in less than a year but this was not a diet it was a lifestyle change.

After this length of time I started talking to her about surgery and she said she didn't believe in it, but at the same time she was going to school to get her Masters, and she had an entire class about it and she did a complete 180 and told me that we should go for it and she would help me fight to get approval.

The approval process consisted of her, a coordinator for surgery, the surgeons nurse, and my psychiatric team. Everything was a go until I was given my psychological exam for the procedure, and so they all got on intercom and discussed it and the surgeons nurse decided I needed further therapy and I was not a good candidate because I was an emotional eater.

The end product was giving me 3 mos to prove that I can lose it, and they would re-evaluate it again. The VA is scared that I will gain it back again and then they will have spent all that money on me.

When my dietician gave me this news I lost it. Prove I can lose it? are u kidding me? I just stayed on a long term eating plan for 15mos and I gotta prove I can lose it. She said that they thought I was the typical patient that would not be able to maintain a long term weight loss. Along with the 3 more months they wanted me to attend CBT, Depression, and Minfulness classes.

Well needless to say I got so pissed off I got this attitude about me, and now I don't care. I gained back the weight already! I feel so miserable and I feel like when I go for the surgery they set me up as a failure. Yes, I am an emotional eater, and yes I am addicted to food, how do you think I got this way. I am ready to make the changes I need to, and proved it but it just isn't enough.

I need to put on my big panties, suck it up and keep going but I don't know if I have it in me anymore. Maybe they are right, maybe I will fail but that is up to me, its my body not theirs.

Sorry that this was so long, but I need to know how I can change my bad attitude and get back on the bandwagon.

Thanks for reading this!

[haleytrim 244]

Don't give up. Nobody's business if you gain it back or not. At least you will have given it a shot. I also hear that obesity can cause or exacerbate depression. I know it makes me depressed. Have you though about out of country surgery?

[*Lexie* 1,486]

All of us are emotional eaters, how do you think we got to the point of needing surgery?? My doctor's office taught me that and they give you the tool of the surgery along with tools to deal with emotional eating. We won't ever be cured but if we can control it most of the time, then we'll be a success story. As my psych put it, everyone is an emotional eater. It starts in infancy when mom holds the baby while feeding it.

And if we could all "lose the weight" we wouldn't need surgery. I completely understand you feeling defeated and giving up. I've done that so many times. I would find another way. Someone mentioned Mexico and that sounds like something to check out. If this is something you want, don't give up.

[mrsto 2,925]

Wow, I feel terrible for you. That is a LOT to go through, with the insurance company giving you a bunch of B.S.

Most all of us who decided on WLS, have major issues around food. We're emotional eaters, depressed, addicted to food, etc. As you said, if you weren't, then you would not be here! I feel angry just reading your post; totally unfair. There is absolutely no guarantee that any of us, bipolar or not, will maintain our weight loss. This is a life long issue, and the surgery doesn't end the battle. Surgery is a tool, not a cure.

It certainly sounds like you no longer have the wherewithal to continue the fight. And I understand that. But fast forward a year or two from now; where will you be? Heavier? Have you considered having surgery outside of the country? Have you discussed a cash pay scenario with the bariatric facility of your choice? I really hate to see you throw in the towel. Given who we are, and the curse we live with, I'm rooting for you to find a way around the system. Ugh.....I feel so bad for you. Your insurance company needs some enlightening!

Edited November 3, 2014 by mrsto

[Katcloudshepherd 630]

TatorTot,

Reading your post makes me so grateful I am blessed with a job with private insurance. I am a vet and am extremely grateful for that private insurance that allowed me to have this life changing surgery. Honestly, I don't know where to begin but to tell you YOU ARE WORTH the cost of this surgery. If my insurance didn't cover the surgery, I would have paid cash, taking out a loan if I had to. I was even looking into going to Mexico if my insurance didn't cover and I had to pay for it. Granted, I'm closer to Mexico and the traveling would have been easier for me.

I went through the VA's so called weight loss program years ago. I've done everything to lose weight. Took Phentramine, (legal prescription speed) and lost 60 pounds. My blood pressure went so high I had to be put on blood pressure pills! Then as soon as I stopped--that 60 lost turned into an 80 pound regain.

I absolutely HATE the archaic attitude at the VA. If being obese were so damn easy to treat and overcome--we wouldn't have to have 85% of our stomachs removed to help deal with being obese. I had a Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy, (VSG), to TREAT my obesity. I think what I find most offensive in the medical profession is this attitude that we just have to eat less and move more. This is a multi-faceted DISEASE. Just like cancer, heart disease or any other. It's NOT A MATTER OF CHOICE. Would anyone choose to be treated the way obese people are? By total strangers.

My life is almost 180 degrees different than before surgery, or is that 360 degrees? I can't remember which one is a total turn around. I went through years of counseling to try and lose the weight, thinking it was attributed to childhood trauma. To fix my head, I HAD TO FIX my stomach. I can no longer stuff feelings down with food. I have depression and take Zoloft to deal with it. Since I've lost the weight, my depression has gotten much better. I will admit I went through a dark time when I had lost the weight and had to adjust to this new life but I AM WORTH IT. I used counseling, exercise and my faith to get through.

PLEASE, PLEASE, don't give up the battle. Explore your options for self pay. I don't know if you want the surgeons at the VA doing the surgery. They probably don't do that many of them and frankly, I wanted someone who would be able to do the surgery in their sleep to do mine.

I wish you luck and I'll keep you in my prayers,

Kathleen

Edited November 3, 2014 by Katcloudshepherd

[GreenEyes604 753]

You never know how strong you are, until strength is all you have!! DO NOT GIVE UP!! Keep telling yourself I CAN, and I WILL!!

Have you applied for Obamacare? There have been quite a few people that I have seen on these boards that have had their surgery approved that way.

DON'T LET ANYONE STILL YOUR JOY!!! Keep on fighting! You have to keep fighting for yourself, because if you don't no one else will fight for you.

YOU CAN DO THIS!!! YOU CAN WIN!!!

[lisacaron 5,075]

@@TatorTot I just read your post and I want to let you know that there are those of us out there that understand where you are coming from, and I am sure there are others on the board here who also battle mental illness. My stepson falls in this category and I know it is not always easy and it's even harder for someone who is trying to navigate all the hoop jumping required to make it to and through surgery.

You can do this! If you want it, you can make it a reality. Yes your emotional eater, and so are probably 99.9% of the people on these boards who have had surgery. You can make it, if you put your mind and you heart behind what you want.

We have all had to jump through hoops it's not an easy process, and it's a change in lifestyle that lasts for the rest of your life not when you feel like it you have reached a goal, it's forever. So if you can wrap your self around that understanding..then you are ready to go.

Take a deep breath, get back on the program. Talk to you dietician, go for the therapy, honey keep going every day if that's what makes success for you, it can't hurt right? So go for it!!

I come here when I need to vent or talk or share with others who are in the same places I find myself. You can come here too, but don't give up. Never give up, keep on going.

You can do this...where there is a will there is a way and I believe that!!!

[pink dahlia 2,513]

Tell the morons at the VA that they're "emotional eaters " too, it just might not show up on the scale. It might show up on the unseen scale, like high BP, heart problems, sleep issues, etc. I bet if you asked them if any of them had grabbed a chocolate when they were stressed, relaxed after a long day with a n alcoholic drink, or ever lit a cigarette ( or something else ?) to calm themselves, you'd get a resounding " yes ." Well I bet you money they would pay for AA, drug rehab, or wharever else the the medical addiction was. But God forbid anyone need a little help to with a food problem!!! Keep fighting , and if you cant get help from VA, consider a CareCredit Card for your surgery. I think you just make monthly payments, like a car payment. Good luck to you ! YOU DESERVE TO BE HEALTHY AND HAPPY !!!

[Babbs 14,680]

I understand your frustration. I really do. You, unfortunately have had to jump through a few more "hoops" than most of us had to. It would be hard to not just throw in the towel and forget the whole thing....

But here's the deal. You want the surgery? Just do what they need you to do. Simple as that. Like anything else, you put the effort in to get what you want. Show them how bad you want it by complying with their wishes. The surgery itself is all about compliance to get results. Don't quit, go forward, and prove to them you are a good candidate to have this surgery! Don't want to comply? Well, unfortunately you are giving them the ammo they need to prove their point. Period.

[Chelly 364]

Never let anyone even yourself stand in your way of happiness and better health.

Many people here have made great suggestions to you of what you could possibly do to succeed at this.

We all are emotional beings and each of us deals with it in many different bad habits.

Here on this board we came from being eaters to bury our feelings.

This surgery is for life and each of us works at each day to deal with things that can trigger us.

All we can do is our very best at controlling our eating everyday. Those days work into weeks, then months, then years of healthy and happy lives.

So do your damnedest to figure a way of getting this surgery.

Best of luck to you.

[Lady1000 16]

I would like to know who is not an emotional eater? Even my skinny friends eat emotionally! I do not know the insurance world to give you advice but I can tell you that if you stick to your conviction that you will have surgery you will figure out a way of having it done. Somewhere, someone, someday it will happen. Keep your eye on the goal and it will happen. It took m 5 years and I finally had it done!

[terrydumont46 1,954]

I am bipolar. my psychiatrists gave his 2 thumbs up about me having surgery. He knew if I lost wt. I would be a happier me and therefore make better decisions for myself. we have a bit more of a battle because of the depression side of our disease. it wants to be fed. but to say you would not be successful is so wrong. I am so sorry you are having all this trouble. I think my first trip would be to my pcp. and start the approval process all over again. and keep this thread so you can hand it to them that refuse you so they can read the truth from real ppl instead of their book policies. good luck.

[It's Allgood 30]

Bipolar, by itself, is not a real reason to not perform surgery. Perhaps consider Mexico, no hoops, no drama, based on medicine.

Good luck!

[B-52 7,113]

I guess I was an emotional eater, or something similar.

All I know was I could not stop eating, 24/7.....

The lap band cured me of that...pure and simple!!! granted, it wasn't easy, and I read here all the time where people back down from accepting change. (only to complain later they are failing, falling off the wagon, etc)

I never understood when people say they had to loose weight prior to surgery to prove they can do it...the fact that I could not do it was exactly the reason surgery was my last resort....

I had to do a 6 month medically supervised diet program, mandated by my insurance...I asked the staff at the bariatric center why....I was told I had to prove to the insurance co. that I did sincerely attempt loosing weight the traditional way, and FAILED!

I told them all about every diet program I have ever been on, and failed at every one of them.

I was told simply saying so was only my word. They wanted something official, with charts, graphs, weekly visits and counseling, all documented and signed off by a MD....and put into my file.

So I did, and just like every other diet, I started out good, positive results, then about month 4 I started to cheat, and then by month 6 it was all a bust......but that was exactly what the insurance co.wanted to see......without directly saying so.

But yet I read here all the time that people have to "Loose" weight in order to qualify.....I guess the thinking is that a Dr. will not tell you to do it and not take it seriously, they want you to give it your best effort and let thee truth stand out....

Bottom line, you do have to follow your dr's directions....

[esskay77 785]

Ugh. I feel so bad for you but completely understand. You have other options. Obamacare is one option. Another option is getting health insurance through other means. There were too many posts above and now I forgot if you were working or not. I know there are several places that offer part timers insurance (Starbucks, Home Depot). Anyway, it's also about how you frame your answers to the questions they ask you.

I started off in one program because that is the program that my PCP is associated with. I jumped through all their hoops but at the end, they said that I would need to go through therapy first before I would be allowed to have the surgery and it would be a year or so away. I don't know if they said why but it was from the social worker and I am assuming (or they told me and I have now blocked it) that I was an emotional eater and had to deal with that first. I was furious! It wasn't until I talked with others that have had the surgery that I knew where I went wrong. They said that when you talk with them, focus on your health, that this is why you are having the surgery (which is true), that you are concerned about your health, you don't want diabetes, etc. that comes with obesity. Only focus on your health. Don't pick a really small goal weight, tell them that any weight you can lose is going to be awesome if it means being healthier. I now that sounds stupid and it is though these really are reasons you want to lose weight so it's not lying, it is just reframing the answer to a medically approved answer.

I switched PCP's so I could switch to a new WLS facility. I told my story to the PCP and she was very sympathetic. (She was also my former PCP from a while ago so she knew me a bit). She was affiiated with a different program so she set me up with their surgeon. I had to go through all the hoops again, but this time I framed my answers around medical issues and I passed with flying colors. Had the surgery about 3 months later and have not looked back.

Now, having said all that, I am aware that emotional eating is part of my problem so I am making sure I attend support groups in person and on this list to get some support and work through those issues. As soon as I am more financially solvent, I will find a therapist to work with one on one.

So, find a new program, new insurance, or new way to pay for this. Frame everything from a medical point of view since that is what they understand. Don't think they are your friends, no matter how nice they are (in other words, don't tell them your deepest darkest secrets or thoughts--they will use them against you). Of course, any medical issues, you should be up front about.

We're all pulling for you!!!

Best of luck.