Hey everyone....I am writing to tell you about something I am experiencing and wonder if any of you have ever experienced it before and I would like to hear YOUR story!! How you delt or are dealing with the situation, If you have conquered it I want to hear how you feel now.

My Story:

I have this image of myself. I see myself as a larger person. I don't see myself as a morbidly obese person like my weight and BMI would suggest. I can look at myself in the mirror...see my collar bones, my cheek bones, my picture perfect face if you hold the camera slightly above your head and twist it a tad to the side as if to show the profile of my face. I am okay with what I see...some days I even think I look pretty.

Then I step in front of a larger mirror that shows more of my body. I am not happy. I see a chunky girl. Yes my clothes, weight, and BMI all say I am this chunky girl but on the inside looking out that's not what I picture people seeing. There is no way I have that many rolls, that bumpy of a tummy, that second set of boobs on my torso and the third pair on my back.

Then I see a full body photo...I cry sometimes, other times I just get mad, sometimes I stand there for 10...15...sometimes 30 minutes trying to take more body pictures as if my camera had glitched and put this monstrosity in front of me. Who do those hips belong too? Those chunky legs? Again the tummy.... That's not me...Then I eventually come to the realization that it is in fact me. That is my body...that IS how people see me....That camera isn't broken...how I see myself is.

Is this the reason I got to be as big as I am? Inner monologue saying, "girl you are delightfully chunky!" When all the while I am actually just getting more and more obese. How could I not see myself as that same person in the mirror. I have always seen myself as a number and that not coordinating with how I looked to others. It wasn't until I seen 283 that my heart jumped and I plummeted out of my body for a brief moment to realize how big I had gotten. As I dropped weight I crawled right back in and have not seen anything that outside me again until someone is so cruel as to snap a picture of me...Maybe its motivation but then again its also torture. Why can I not see myself as I am...Is the inner skinny and healthy me...refusing to see the real me?

Let me know your thoughts, opinions, suggestions, and most of all YOUR story...I am still working on seeing myself how I am so I can see the changes in my body but meanwhile...I seek your support, knowledge...etc.

Honey it's really how did any of us get so big and not see it. I never took full figured shots and always made sure it was from the neck up. One Christmas about 15 years ago my cousin took a picture of me and I wanted to die. I was almost 300lbs but I never saw myself as being obese. I worked two jobs, had two teenagers, was going going going so I did not think I was that big. My weight never fluctuated as an adult. I weighed the same amount for 20 years I think. But I never weighed myself I just knew what size clothes I wore. It can be a rude awakening when you finally look at yourself and see all the rolls and to me it was very disheartening. I know now when I gain weight without even weighing because I get those rolls in the back that stick out of my bra. It doesn't matter how thin I ever get my body has had it. The only thing I can do is hide it with clothes and hope no one but my husband ever has to see me naked. I'm not sure that it looks much better thinner but I feel better.

Well, my highest weight was 289 and I'm down to 212.5 but I still consider myself grossly obese.

There are times when I wear certain clothes I think I look pretty decent but when those clothes come off I still see the same person I was at 289.

I just bought a blouse on sale but I went for the 2X, I'm actually wearing XL blouses but psychologically I can't get it out of my head that I have lost weight. I know part of it has to do with the fact that I am still over 200 lbs. growing up my mother used to see overweight people and she'd say things like that lady must weigh over 200 lbs. then when I went over 200 lbs growing up she put me on every diet in the book. My mom was 89 lbs when she got married so she was skinny until she had children but she never hit over 200 lbs. I was heavy all my life and it was difficult growing up. I always had to go to the chubby dept which I despised.

I do see that thin person trying to get out just as I think you do too.

If my mom were alive today she'd probably be more accepting of overweight people but she was 83 when she passed away in 2002. She

Probably would ask if I were losing weight but I would never tell bar I had WLS. I think she would expect miracles then like overnight weight loss. My children are grown and respect everyone regardless of size. That's becaude they know what I went through as a child.

Getting back to the point however, when I first hit over 200 lbs as a teenager, I would hate myself. Then as I got older I became more aware of my eating but it took me to get up to 289 to finally do something about it and this was before WLS was considered. I got down to 267 pre-band and then had surgery on 12/28/2012. I celebrate my one year anniversary soon. I don't regret my decision to have WLS but my loss has been slow. I think once I hit ONEderland (below 200 lbs.), I'll be more accepting of myself and not consider myself as grossly obese.

Honey it's really how did any of us get so big and not see it. I never took full figured shots and always made sure it was from the neck up. One Christmas about 15 years ago my cousin took a picture of me and I wanted to die. I was almost 300lbs but I never saw myself as being obese. I worked two jobs, had two teenagers, was going going going so I did not think I was that big. My weight never fluctuated as an adult. I weighed the same amount for 20 years I think. But I never weighed myself I just knew what size clothes I wore. It can be a rude awakening when you finally look at yourself and see all the rolls and to me it was very disheartening. I know now when I gain weight without even weighing because I get those rolls in the back that stick out of my bra. It doesn't matter how thin I ever get my body has had it. The only thing I can do is hide it with clothes and hope no one but my husband ever has to see me naked. I'm not sure that it looks much better thinner but I feel better.

I call the rolls on the back my back boobs. Once I have kids and lose that weight I'm going to have those things cut off...hopefully by then it will just be lose skin anyway!! I think I was in that same boat. I made sure to avoid mirrors that were bigger than normal bathroom mirrors. I knew what size I wore...and I dealt with it. Pretty crazy. I am thankful for people snapping pictures of me but at the same time I'm just yelling internally "NOOOOO!!"

Well, my highest weight was 289 and I'm down to 212.5 but I still consider myself grossly obese.

There are times when I wear certain clothes I think I look pretty decent but when those clothes come off I still see the same person I was at 289.

I just bought a blouse on sale but I went for the 2X, I'm actually wearing XL blouses but psychologically I can't get it out of my head that I have lost weight. I know part of it has to do with the fact that I am still over 200 lbs. growing up my mother used to see overweight people and she'd say things like that lady must weigh over 200 lbs. then when I went over 200 lbs growing up she put me on every diet in the book. My mom was 89 lbs when she got married so she was skinny until she had children but she never hit over 200 lbs. I was heavy all my life and it was difficult growing up. I always had to go to the chubby dept which I despised.

I do see that thin person trying to get out just as I think you do too.

If my mom were alive today she'd probably be more accepting of overweight people but she was 83 when she passed away in 2002. She

Probably would ask if I were losing weight but I would never tell bar I had WLS. I think she would expect miracles then like overnight weight loss. My children are grown and respect everyone regardless of size. That's becaude they know what I went through as a child.

Getting back to the point however, when I first hit over 200 lbs as a teenager, I would hate myself. Then as I got older I became more aware of my eating but it took me to get up to 289 to finally do something about it and this was before WLS was considered. I got down to 267 pre-band and then had surgery on 12/28/2012. I celebrate my one year anniversary soon. I don't regret my decision to have WLS but my loss has been slow. I think once I hit ONEderland (below 200 lbs.), I'll be more accepting of myself and not consider myself as grossly obese.

First off...great job on the weight loss!!

I always thought I was fat as a teenager...I know at one point I was like 150 and boy did I think I was the biggest person ever! Now I look at that number like its made of gold!! haha. I grew up with a mom who was plus sized as well. I never saw her for as big as she was until she lost the weight. I remember how people would talk about how big someone was and would say the same thing..."oh that person must weight over 200pds!" as though 200 was the magic number where you went from being normal to being a fatty. I was raised with a grandma who was critical of my weight and that has always affected me. I always hoped I would get healthy and thin just to get her to stop talking about my weight like I had committed some sin by being fat. What gets to me a lot is seeing pictures of me on my horses...they weigh 1000+ pounds yet ALL I see is my big butt up there! ugh...

Wishful Shrinking, HET OUTTA MY HEAD, girl!!! You have described me in every word of your post. However, the times I struggle with this most is when I catch a glimpse of myself outside of my home. I see myself & what I'm wearing so fabulous when I get dressed, then I walk by a mirror and I'm horrified!! Even after losing 40 (40 more to go) it might also be a lighting issue at home.

Wishful Shrinking, HET OUTTA MY HEAD, girl!!! You have described me in every word of your post. However, the times I struggle with this most is when I catch a glimpse of myself outside of my home. I see myself & what I'm wearing so fabulous when I get dressed, then I walk by a mirror and I'm horrified!! Even after losing 40 (40 more to go) it might also be a lighting issue at home.

I figured I was not the only one!! I posted some pictures of my before an during and boy was I shocked when I seen the pictures of myself in my new "super cute" outfit I picked out...I look like I was crammed into it and the shine makes it look like I am about to burst! I was mortified to have to go to my christmas party looking like that but it was the only outfit I had with me. Out in public my view of myself gets much worse...I feel like I can hear the sales people saying...what is she doing in this store?? we don't sell HER size. I have never heard them say anything but I can only imagine what they might be thinking. On another note...great job on the weight loss! keep it up...I'm already jealous of you haha.

I have always said I am the opposite of an anorexic. You know how anorexic people look in the mirror and still think they are fat? Well, I look in the mirror and think I'm not that fat.

I get dressed and think I look ok. Then I see a pic of myself and I am MORTIFIED. Who is that girl? There's one from yesterday that my mom took. It's awful.

You're not alone.

...great job on the weight loss! keep it up...I'm already jealous of you haha.

And I of YOU... I mean, look how beautiful you are. We are always our worse critics. But don't beat yourself up that bad.... Things will get better. I promise!

I get dressed and think I look ok. Then I see a pic of myself and I am MORTIFIED. Who is that girl? There's one from yesterday that my mom took. It's awful.

BURN IT!

My heaviest weight was 272. Pre-surgery 264. Surgery was 9/19/13. As of my last Dr. appt on 12/19/13, I was at 217. I keep telling myself it's not how I look and what the scales say, but how I feel, and I feel soooo much better. I've went from a 3X to 1X in shirts and from 22 to 18 in pants and have lost 27 1/2 inches total in 3 months. I put on my clothes for work and look at in the mirror and can see the difference. BUT then, I turn sideways and there it is. Fatback!!! I think I've lost all my weight and inches from my face, neck, and butt. It reminds me what someone said in another post, I look like a mushroom! Sometimes I think if we had no mirrors, what a difference that would make. As they say, we are our own worst critics.

But at the end of the day I realize how blessed I am. I have a supporting husband and family, I feel so much better, eating better and actually enjoy and look forward to walking whenever I can. Life is Good!

I always thought I was fat as a teenager...I know at one point I was like 150 and boy did I think I was the biggest person ever! Now I look at that number like its made of gold!! haha. I grew up with a mom who was plus sized as well. I never saw her for as big as she was until she lost the weight. I remember how people would talk about how big someone was and would say the same thing..."oh that person must weight over 200pds!" as though 200 was the magic number where you went from being normal to being a fatty. I was raised with a grandma who was critical of my weight and that has always affected me. I always hoped I would get healthy and thin just to get her to stop talking about my weight like I had committed some sin by being fat. What gets to me a lot is seeing pictures of me on my horses...they weigh 1000+ pounds yet ALL I see is my big butt up there! ugh...

OMG get out of my head! That's me to a t! When I was a teenager, my two best friends were a sz 0 and a sz 00 (so basically extra small and extra- extra small) whereas I was 150lbs and a sz 6/8, so I felt like I was enormous. People always told me I was thin and one of my friends posted a picture of us from high school recently and I was SHOCKED at how thin, shapely and good looking I was. Here I felt like Ugly Betty in high school but looked so beautiful.

I think you have to try and love yourself where you are as you work to lose weight because what I always found is that I'll feel and think I look disgusting fat at a certain weight, then once I surpass it, I look back at pictures of myself at the previous weight and I'm like, "I wish I could go back there."

I remember I was mortified when I hit 200lbs. I actually went home and cried for like an hour because I swore to myself I could/would never get that big and that my life would be over if I did. I recall my mom telling me to work to get smaller because pretty soon 200lbs would seem small if I kept gaining. I did some crash dieting, binge eating, didn't believe her, ballooning up to 245lbs at my heaviest.

I'm not saying you shouldn't work to lose weight, just try not to beat yourself up and hate your body because (in my case anyway) it's a downward spiral that leads to self loathing and all these negative feelings that I end up eating away.

When I see my rolls, my thighs mashing together, my double chin, etc, I feel a little bad but remind myself that I'm making permanent moves to fix them

Best wishes to you all, Happy New Year and new you ahead!

As far as buying clothes go you will keep trying to buy that 2x or 3x for a while. I used to get upset when I would go to Ross for clothes and still have to buy a 2x but it was not because I needed to wear that size but all their clothes were cut much smaller. Now when I go shopping I don't worry about sizes anymore I just get what fits me and know I am not a 2x or 3x anymore.

I can so relate to your story. As a young girl I was never overweight. I was too skinny. I used to dance and practice 3-4 hours a day and had classes almost every day of the week. If I wasn’t doing that I was cheerleading!

In all reality I looked in the mirror back then and saw a fat girl! I looked at myself and thought I was overweight and that I wasn’t as good of a dancer as the flat chested stick figures that were 3 years younger than me. My eating habits were terrible, and as I hit puberty my dance instructor always used to pick on me and tell me to watch out for thunder thighs and to strap down those boobs. (she was jealous, I was bigger than she was and I was only 12! I know that NOW…but then I just thought I was fat)

My eating habits though never changed as I grew up and eventually stopped moving at the break neck speed I was and 120 pounds 3 kids and 5 pregnancy’s later I still looked in the mirror and thought I saw that 16 year old 90 pound kid. My clothing size and the number on the scale grew up but I didn’t want that to be me!

I didn’t see how overweight I was. I always took photos to cover up the belly and the thighs and I always wore loose flowing clothing. Even when my mother in law would call me Gordita, I didn’t like it but I never took it seriously to mean that I was fat or ugly. I just kept doing my thing and didn’t change any eating habits. I chased my kids around but I never did any kind of formal exercise again.

When the kids were young, It was always a struggle to get ahead and to keep my head above Water I never thought about myself or my size. I was young and I was healthy and I was able to keep up even if I was overweight so what was my thinking it’s not hurting me.

After my divorce, I took a long look at myself and I thought…no man is going to find my fat ass attractive but that was NOT true. I had more boyfriends after divorce as a middle aged fat woman then I did when I was kid. Then I met my love, and when we got married I was at the heaviest weight I have ever been in my entire life!!

It took my husband needing hip replacement surgery and being told they would not touch him because of his weight to finally get me and him to the bariatric surgeon and we have not looked back!

Today I see me for who I am, I am a middle aged fat woman who is working her ass off literally!! I’m finally putting myself up front. Looking in the mirror today I see me, and I’m owning my body and my life and my choices.

Here’s to being honest with ourselves and putting ourselves and our health up front and center!

Hi there!

I wanted to share something I discovered having been both obese and now 'healthy'. One of the reasons we are so unaware of our actual selves, is because our mind is only aware of our core.

When I was overweight, despite my dress size increasing, I never actually felt as large as I was. For example, ever try to squeeze between 2 chairs at a restaurant and say I feel I'm thin enough to get through but when you do you hit both chairs and you can't fit after all. It's because your mind is aware of your core (the stuff under the fat), not your true circumference.If it weren't for extrinsic factors like mirror reflections, scales, dress sizes, pictures etc we'd be completely oblivious of our true forms. And because we feel our cores, we dilute ourselves into feeling normal sized and we focus our attention on our positives (especially those that reinforce our normalcy) like collarbones, a pretty face, curves etc. The truth is, those same extrinsic factors are what gives our mind the reality check it needs to keep our bodies in check. I am 100 lbs lighter, have had extensive cosm. surgery. I dropped from a size 22+ to a size 4 and guess what? I feel the same. I still have to rely on mirrors, scales, pictures etc to show myself what I look like because the feeling of my core body is the same and I need those visuals to prove that indeed I'm smaller, curvier, etc than before.

The bonus is that when I slide through chairs I astonish myself when I clear a tiny space without touching... if you want to make a good joke out of it..just say 'boy, my core is thinner than I thought' <wink>

I hope this makes sense. It's just something I noticed because as the weight came off, I always felt the same. I guess I always expected as I lost weight my sense of body would be different. That only happens when i look in the mirror. I am only speaking about shape, not improvement in things like mobility and stamina or obvious observations like I take up less space in airplane chairs and I can fit my 10 year olds tshirts ha! But it sure explains why I never felt my back fat until a picture surfaced.

One of the reasons we are so unaware of our actual selves, is because our mind is only aware of our core.

For example, ever try to squeeze between 2 chairs at a restaurant and say I feel I'm thin enough to get through but when you do you hit both chairs and you can't fit after all. It's because your mind is aware of your core (the stuff under the fat), not your true circumference.

Hazel this is so true...however now that I am taking up less space, I am suddenly clumsy. I bump into things as I try to make myself "fit" when I already fit and have room to spare. It's odd, and I have lots of bruises these days as I'm getting used to the changes in my body and where it fits, and where it doesn't and I'm still changing every day.

Thank goodness for me it's a slow moving process because I'm afraid I would end up in the hospital after tripping or falling off of something. My dimensions have changed and it's all taking some getting used to, in a good way though black and blue is not really a good color on me