Hey everyone....I am writing to tell you about something I am experiencing and wonder if any of you have ever experienced it before and I would like to hear YOUR story!! How you delt or are dealing with the situation, If you have conquered it I want to hear how you feel now.

My Story:

I have this image of myself. I see myself as a larger person. I don't see myself as a morbidly obese person like my weight and BMI would suggest. I can look at myself in the mirror...see my collar bones, my cheek bones, my picture perfect face if you hold the camera slightly above your head and twist it a tad to the side as if to show the profile of my face. I am okay with what I see...some days I even think I look pretty.

Then I step in front of a larger mirror that shows more of my body. I am not happy. I see a chunky girl. Yes my clothes, weight, and BMI all say I am this chunky girl but on the inside looking out that's not what I picture people seeing. There is no way I have that many rolls, that bumpy of a tummy, that second set of boobs on my torso and the third pair on my back.

Then I see a full body photo...I cry sometimes, other times I just get mad, sometimes I stand there for 10...15...sometimes 30 minutes trying to take more body pictures as if my camera had glitched and put this monstrosity in front of me. Who do those hips belong too? Those chunky legs? Again the tummy.... That's not me...Then I eventually come to the realization that it is in fact me. That is my body...that IS how people see me....That camera isn't broken...how I see myself is.

Is this the reason I got to be as big as I am? Inner monologue saying, "girl you are delightfully chunky!" When all the while I am actually just getting more and more obese. How could I not see myself as that same person in the mirror. I have always seen myself as a number and that not coordinating with how I looked to others. It wasn't until I seen 283 that my heart jumped and I plummeted out of my body for a brief moment to realize how big I had gotten. As I dropped weight I crawled right back in and have not seen anything that outside me again until someone is so cruel as to snap a picture of me...Maybe its motivation but then again its also torture. Why can I not see myself as I am...Is the inner skinny and healthy me...refusing to see the real me?

Let me know your thoughts, opinions, suggestions, and most of all YOUR story...I am still working on seeing myself how I am so I can see the changes in my body but meanwhile...I seek your support, knowledge...etc.

After being so fat for so long, and dealing with it everyday...I find it hard to see myself skinny today....

I was going through all the Christmas photo's from parties, etc, I wanted to find a new "After" photo...the one I have there now is almost 2 years old....

Every picture I looked at I did not like, I felt I looked fat! There was one photo of me along with the entire department from work and their spouses...18 people? And I felt I was the heaviest person in the picture....

My wife thinks I'm nuts....she's probably more correct than she thinks....I'm now the same weight I was as a Sr. in High School, and that was 1970 !!!

B52, accepting you are thin is a whole new topic. Despite all the supportive evidence (ha! like BMI 23, Weight 150, size 4-6 or xs-s, and hearing people say I'm "small" "thin" "tiny") it just doesn't resonate with you that indeed you are thin. I actually have to tell myself, yes you are thin because I'm this weight, this size etc etc. But per my previous post, the mind just doesn't make the connection AT ALL ahah. That and we will forever nitpick at ourselves. I know our original goals are to be healthy, but when you reach your goal weight you can start picking on little things to improve. And until you get those rectified it's just another thing to get frustrated with. But at least I'm at a place that I'm happy despite any future tweaks (ie toning). This is the first time in my life I've been comfortable in my own skin. So much so I wore a bikini this week in Florida for the first time in my life. I was ok with everything but my arm scars from surgery. I have to work on accepting that new flaw..but that's a tough one.

Hi there!

I wanted to share something I discovered having been both obese and now 'healthy'. One of the reasons we are so unaware of our actual selves, is because our mind is only aware of our core.

When I was overweight, despite my dress size increasing, I never actually felt as large as I was. For example, ever try to squeeze between 2 chairs at a restaurant and say I feel I'm thin enough to get through but when you do you hit both chairs and you can't fit after all. It's because your mind is aware of your core (the stuff under the fat), not your true circumference.If it weren't for extrinsic factors like mirror reflections, scales, dress sizes, pictures etc we'd be completely oblivious of our true forms. And because we feel our cores, we dilute ourselves into feeling normal sized and we focus our attention on our positives (especially those that reinforce our normalcy) like collarbones, a pretty face, curves etc. The truth is, those same extrinsic factors are what gives our mind the reality check it needs to keep our bodies in check. I am 100 lbs lighter, have had extensive cosm. surgery. I dropped from a size 22+ to a size 4 and guess what? I feel the same. I still have to rely on mirrors, scales, pictures etc to show myself what I look like because the feeling of my core body is the same and I need those visuals to prove that indeed I'm smaller, curvier, etc than before.

The bonus is that when I slide through chairs I astonish myself when I clear a tiny space without touching... if you want to make a good joke out of it..just say 'boy, my core is thinner than I thought' <wink>

I hope this makes sense. It's just something I noticed because as the weight came off, I always felt the same. I guess I always expected as I lost weight my sense of body would be different. That only happens when i look in the mirror. I am only speaking about shape, not improvement in things like mobility and stamina or obvious observations like I take up less space in airplane chairs and I can fit my 10 year olds tshirts ha! But it sure explains why I never felt my back fat until a picture surfaced.

That is actually a really neat way of thinking about it. I had never thought about it that way. I have done that before, felt that I had more room to squeeze through only to bump or knock something over with my body. Thanks for that prospective. It still sucks thinking I am not that big only to be proven wrong lol. Dang skinny inner goddess!

I read a few other post and I laughed with a few of the things I seen such as BURN IT...talking about a unflattering picture...stole the words right out of my mouth!!

B52, accepting you are thin is a whole new topic. Despite all the supportive evidence (ha! like BMI 23, Weight 150, size 4-6 or xs-s, and hearing people say I'm "small" "thin" "tiny") it just doesn't resonate with you that indeed you are thin. I actually have to tell myself, yes you are thin because I'm this weight, this size etc etc. But per my previous post, the mind just doesn't make the connection AT ALL ahah. That and we will forever nitpick at ourselves. I know our original goals are to be healthy, but when you reach your goal weight you can start picking on little things to improve. And until you get those rectified it's just another thing to get frustrated with. But at least I'm at a place that I'm happy despite any future tweaks (ie toning). This is the first time in my life I've been comfortable in my own skin. So much so I wore a bikini this week in Florida for the first time in my life. I was ok with everything but my arm scars from surgery. I have to work on accepting that new flaw..but that's a tough one.

I agree with this as well. I have lost 50 pounds that is a lot for any person. I look better than I did before but I still see those flaws. I can only imagine how bad I will beat myself up when I do get down to being that person that people call thin, healthy, skinny. Don't get me wrong I am ready to be there...but I know I will pick at myself just as I do now. My brain has been wired like this for a long time. It won't fix its self. I have to consciously work on improving my thought process.

I agree with this as well. I have lost 50 pounds that is a lot for any person. I look better than I did before but I still see those flaws. I can only imagine how bad I will beat myself up when I do get down to being that person that people call thin, healthy, skinny. Don't get me wrong I am ready to be there...but I know I will pick at myself just as I do now. My brain has been wired like this for a long time. It won't fix its self. I have to consciously work on improving my thought process.

I honestly think that this is where that support team that is part of many bariatric groups comes in. We need help seeing our selves as who we have become as much as we need that help in transitioning into who we are becoming as we lose the weight some of us have had for most of our lives.

I was worried about the sunken in face, and the jowls that might come and the wrinkles that might suddenly appear as the weight came off. Sure I see the sag, and I see the wrinkles and yet I feel amazing!

I am not 20 years old anymore, but I feel once again like I have a renewed vigor for life. I have lost a small child, it's no longer on my back and the load is lighter. I am moving around more and getting out more and feeling better then I have in years.

I earned the sag and the wrinkles, they came from living. If they bother me enough I'm going to fix them since we live in a world where that is possible, why not?

I didn't start this Quest with perfection in mind, just health and happiness!!

I hope you all are finding that today as well!

Everything on this thread resonates with me. I've even started seeing a professional because I just don't know who that woman I look at in the mirror is. I never saw how big I was except when I saw myself in pictures....and now, I don't even see me at all. I see a stranger staring back at me.

I knew I was fat, but didn't see it, and now I am not fat but still think I am. I went shopping with a friend a few days ago and went for the XL and L sized tops...she said they were too big and to my surprise, I took home medium and even small sizes. I still worry about fitting into booths, or squeezing past tight spaces, and just today on the subway, I saw a smallish spot where I could sit and the woman moved over a tad and I sat down. I fit fine but still apologized as I had always done because I thought I was squeezing her in. I wasn't....I could tell there was enough room for me, but again, the fat girl in me is often front and center.

I'm at the stage where I am relieved that I'm not morbidly obese anymore but I'm not enjoying my new smaller size yet. I guess that will take some time. I also want to do whatever I need to in order to make sure I don't gain the weight back. I've lost alot of weight before but put it back on. There are times when I'm eating and I know I'm done...I get that too full feeling and I stop even if it's in mid forkful but there are other times when I know I could eat more than I should and I have to tell myself...it's enough...stop now. Losing the weight is just part of the journey...keeping it off is the real deal.

Thanks for posting everyone...it always helps to know that what I'm feeling is not unique and many are going through the same thing.

Everything on this thread resonates with me. I've even started seeing a professional because I just don't know who that woman I look at in the mirror is. I never saw how big I was except when I saw myself in pictures....and now, I don't even see me at all. I see a stranger staring back at me.

I knew I was fat, but didn't see it, and now I am not fat but still think I am. I went shopping with a friend a few days ago and went for the XL and L sized tops...she said they were too big and to my surprise, I took home medium and even small sizes. I still worry about fitting into booths, or squeezing past tight spaces, and just today on the subway, I saw a smallish spot where I could sit and the woman moved over a tad and I sat down. I fit fine but still apologized as I had always done because I thought I was squeezing her in. I wasn't....I could tell there was enough room for me, but again, the fat girl in me is often front and center.

I'm at the stage where I am relieved that I'm not morbidly obese anymore but I'm not enjoying my new smaller size yet. I guess that will take some time. I also want to do whatever I need to in order to make sure I don't gain the weight back. I've lost alot of weight before but put it back on. There are times when I'm eating and I know I'm done...I get that too full feeling and I stop even if it's in mid forkful but there are other times when I know I could eat more than I should and I have to tell myself...it's enough...stop now. Losing the weight is just part of the journey...keeping it off is the real deal.

Thanks for posting everyone...it always helps to know that what I'm feeling is not unique and many are going through the same thing.

You mentioned one of my biggest problems. I can't enjoy my body as it is now. I am not anywhere near my goal weight by any means but I should still feel happy with how much I have lost already. I should be enjoying the lighter me...but I am not. I am held back. Unfortunately for me I can not afford to go seek help on the subject so I pour my heart into pages like these. Never feel like you are the only one...I am sure you could make your own topic about any number of issues you face and there will be several others right there with you. Keep up the good work and know that you are amazing and in time that feeling and ability to accept it will come.

Wow I feel like you all are in my head!!! LOL. It is very comforting to read that others have experienced what I have and think. To know that I am not the only one who feels this way and has these thought processes. Thank you so much for sharing. These posts have made a huge difference for me tonight. I too felt that I was overweight all my life. I will never forget moving away as a teen and coming back to visit my grandmother and her saying to me "I thought you were going to be a Skinny Minnie now." I look at those pictures from that time in my life, high school and think Wow you looked Awesome. I would be so happy to be that size again. Now I look at pictures and either delete them from my phone or cringe. I too wonder How did this happen? When did this happen? All my life I have considered myself too fat, too big, too much. But I haven't always been these things, I just never realized it. Now I am and I have to do something about it. I cannot stand feeling this way any longer. I want to be able to sit in a chair comfortably. I want to be able to not have to walk around the tables in the restaurant, but to walk through them. I want to think I look good at home and after I leave I want to catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or glass window and to think Girl you do look good, not to readjust my clothes or not get up anymore b/c I don't want people to see me. I don't want to be the biggest person in the room, in my office. I don't want to see someone else who is overweight and think Oh good I'm not the biggest one here.

Pre-op diet day one for me. 6 days till surgery. Questioning my choice to get banded everyday, but as I read these posts and write my own feelings and thoughts out I slowly reconvince myself that I am making the right choice

Everything on this thread resonates with me. I've even started seeing a professional because I just don't know who that woman I look at in the mirror is. I never saw how big I was except when I saw myself in pictures....and now, I don't even see me at all. I see a stranger staring back at me.

I knew I was fat, but didn't see it, and now I am not fat but still think I am. I went shopping with a friend a few days ago and went for the XL and L sized tops...she said they were too big and to my surprise, I took home medium and even small sizes. I still worry about fitting into booths, or squeezing past tight spaces, and just today on the subway, I saw a smallish spot where I could sit and the woman moved over a tad and I sat down. I fit fine but still apologized as I had always done because I thought I was squeezing her in. I wasn't....I could tell there was enough room for me, but again, the fat girl in me is often front and center.

I'm at the stage where I am relieved that I'm not morbidly obese anymore but I'm not enjoying my new smaller size yet. I guess that will take some time. I also want to do whatever I need to in order to make sure I don't gain the weight back. I've lost alot of weight before but put it back on. There are times when I'm eating and I know I'm done...I get that too full feeling and I stop even if it's in mid forkful but there are other times when I know I could eat more than I should and I have to tell myself...it's enough...stop now. Losing the weight is just part of the journey...keeping it off is the real deal.

Thanks for posting everyone...it always helps to know that what I'm feeling is not unique and many are going through the same thing.

"Ditto" to almost everthing said here . Mine is a little different in that I spent many years in a mental institution for depression, cutting, completely unbalanced for being molested between 2 thru 14. It was physical and emotional abuse and family members doing the molesting but I put on weight conciously so I wouldn't be attractive to anyone. Then after 20 years of hospitals and doctors got diagnosed with bipolar disorder rapid cycling. I didn't care what I looked like I was in a very deep abyss. Me nothing...my family....well...they were there but I wasn't mostly mindfully but alot of hospitalizations. After the diagnosis a few years down the line I couldn't get over my depression it was severe. I had shock treatments over 25 in under a 2 year span. I began to make progress I was on many pills. I woke up to an obese person I didn't recognize and didn't want. I had a family that was still with me that I did want. So along with getting mentally healthy I tried many times to do the same with my weight but by that time I was in a habit of eating whatever and that is hard to break. I've reached nice goals and I started liking myself a little better but then would gain the weight back. Thus the band...health reasons first but weight loss and hopefully no regain second. So that is where I'm at. I have 50 lbs to go til goal and I'm looking forward to it like a beacon in the night....but it turns into daytime and I seem to lose my way. So slow and steady and readjusting my thinking and motivation and trying to do this with weight gaining pills, diabetes, low thyroid and a host of other problems...like depression and self loathing. It all keeps coming back at the wrong times or should I say just too damned often. My journey is no different than any of yours we all ended up about the same place but by different paths. I'm doing better mentally inbetween bouts but I know I look terrible but will feel better when reaching goal and with the band help keep myself at that weight and not regain ( hopefully ).

Thx for letting me tell my story.

Wow Donna. I am in awe of you for being so strong and resiliant. I hope you know that you are a success right now and being at goal is just icing on the cake.

Yes, exactly, these are my exact thoughts. At 160 lbs I was the fat girl. I was this weight for most of my life until I hit high school. I dropped down to 139 at my lowest, I was STILL the fat girl. I thought I was so disgustingly huge because most of the other girls I went to school with were only 100-125 lbs. I stopped caring. I let myself shoot up to 180 for awhile, my all time high, then 200...and so on until I am now here at 250 lbs with a full on addiction to food that I cannot stop! I look at pictures then and now...if only I knew then that I'd kill to look like that. My step mom was banded in 08 and I used to joke that I'd get fat just to get the band...well...now here I am... and it's not a joke!! I didn't intentionally do this to myself. I have been through a lot including losing a child that has severly affected my weight. I see a beautiful, gorgeous girl, with gorgeous hair, amazing eyes, and perfect boobs, who all the boys want, but I am stuck under this whale of a body. I stopped caring about myself for the most part. I have 1 pair of jeans and only wear T-shirts...When I'm at home its yoga pants. I stopped even doing hair and makeup for a long time (recently got back into it) but that was never me! I was ALWAYS the girly girl who had to look near perfect and at least I thought I was fat but could hide it pretty well...Now it's written all over me... It's time to dig that thin girl back out (never skinny I only hope for thin and curvy). It's time to look and feel like a 23 year old, not a fat old person who is too fatigued to get around!

Wendydarling, when I look at your default pic, all I see is a beautiful girl.

Thank you so much Hotbutterfly, I just have to get the weight off so I can be as confident as I would like to be!!