My Obese Brother

[Idairene 37]

After a trip to see my family for Thanksgiving and successfully sticking to my healthy eating, it was particularly hard to see my obese brother who has probably gained about 30 lbs this year. When I took a good look at him, I realized his neck was so heavy I could barely see his chin and that his ears seemed disproportionaly small compared to his face. He seemed uncomfortable with my own weight loss story, in fact, he put off coming to see me from Sunday until Thanksgiving, having excuse after excuse to stay away. When he saw how slowly I ate my meal (which now seems normal to me), he said he couldn't possibly take 30 minutes to eat lunch because the best employees are expected to take only 5 minutes. When I started to respond that this is a behavioral change my WLS team helped me to make, he cut me off before I could finish. When I was served Thanksgiving dinner, he said "are you going to be able to eat that?" He was hesitant to eat at a restaurant with me because he thought I would not be able to eat anything. On the other hand, he chose the restaurant where he could get a large prime rib and as he ate the prime rib, he actually spread butter on it (though he made it a point not to butter the roll he ate). He wasn't able to come with me while I walked the dogs, decided not to shop at Walmart because he would have to park too far away ( the parking lot was not that large) and was thrilled when my mom ordered him some special kind of tongs to pick things off the floor with because he can't bend down. When I stopped by his house, there was a belgium waffle maker on the counter that he was obviously using.

There are a couple of issues for me here. First I just feel very sad to see how obesity has affected him, though he says his blood sugar, cholesteral and blood pressure are all fine - I don't see how it can be long before he has serious health issues. I've lost 2 male friends his age, that were in better shape, to sudden cardiac arrest. He lives alone and seems to be isolating himself more and more. I know how isolating obesity can be, and about the cravings for fats and carbs and sweets, how hard it is to move when you are that overweight. BUT I don't see him making any attempt to make healthy choices.

Second is his passive/agresive comments and behavior, I have a few now former "friends" who have been unaccepting of my new lifestyle and body and I've learned to avoid them if I want to continue my success and not risk sabotaging my weight loss. But this is my brother, my only sibling and I found myself wanting to totally avoid him too!

My mom says he should get surgery too but I know he doesn't have the medical resources or support that I had and he is not willing to change his behavior. Plus, his recent weight gain would put him at a higher risk. Since obesity runs in families, does anyone else have insight as to how to deal with this?

[LipstickLady 25,682]

Love him and be there for him. Let him know that he is not alone no matter his weight. Make sure he knows that you are not judging him (and don't!) and that if he has any questions about what you did, you are ready to answer them. That said, you cannot allow him to abuse you or make you feel badly about yourself with his comments. It's a fine line between loving someone and being there for them and allowing them to take out their emotions on you. Don't allow him to cross that line.

Other than that, there isn't much you can do. You can't make an overweight person lose weight until they are ready to do so. You know that from your own struggles, I'm sure.

[newat52 1,612]

You can't. He is not ready. As painful as it may be for you to watch, you can't make him change. You can't preach him into change. He is an adult and he is simply not ready.

That said, you know that he is noticing what you are doing and how you are doing it. His passive aggressive comments and actions show you that. His weight and choices are on his mind as you can tell but he is not ready. Think back to your obese days. None of us made the decision to get healthy until we were ready. Some of us thought about it for a long time and the decision came slowly, some got ready via medical issues and scares but we became ready when we became ready and not before.

Your brother knows what he is eating and what his physical shape is. He knows what WLS is. I'm sure he already feels bad about himself, what obese person doesn't. When people remind us of it even in the context of being concerned, it can send him into an unhealthy binge. We have all been there.

Just be there for him and love him. Be a good example and only relate your experiences as they relate to you. Otherwise you will come across as judgmental and a reformed zealot. No one likes those. Think reformed smoker who preaches to everyone on the dangers of it. Really? Smoking is bad for you? I did NOT know that!…..said no smoker ever! You get my point….

[newat52 1,612]

Love him and be there for him. Let him know that he is not alone no matter his weight. Make sure he knows that you are not judging him (and don't!) and that if he has any questions about what you did, you are ready to answer them. That said, you cannot allow him to abuse you or make you feel badly about yourself with his comments. It's a fine line between loving someone and being them and allowing them to take out their emotions on you. Don't allow him to cross that line.

Other than that, there isn't much you can do. You can't make an overweight person lose weight until they are ready to do so. You know that from your own struggles, I'm sure.

We must have been typing at the same time.

Great minds think alike!

[SoccerMomma73 1,867]

I would write a long and heartfelt letter telling him why you are so worried and letting him know you are there for him if he ever wants to talk about any of it. Don't nag or push the surgery, just tell him you're there for him and ask that he be supportive of you as well. And then I'd drop it. He's a grown man responsible for himself and until he is ready to change, no amount of pushing will help (and would likely have the opposite effect). It's a horrible thing to watch happening to someone you love (I have major guilt over the worry I put my parents through the last few years). Just be there and be his sister.

[patrice1 81]

Speaking as someone who just made the choice to get bariatric surgery two weeks ago, I could relate to the post about how even well-meaning people--even those who love us the most--can say things about our weight that trigger binges and more self-loathing, and deeper in the trenches. However, this is not to blame those who want to help (and who are often desperately worried about us) for our behavior.

Rather, it is to make the point that we truly are not ready until we are ready, and whatever point that occurs is different for all of us. If he knows you love and accept him where he is at, although you are concerned for him, this keeps the door open until he is ready. While I can't know this for sure, perhaps he is more concerned for you than his outward behavior may suggest (will I trigger her because I am continuing to eat the way I do). And/or, he may also be triggered by your success in spotlighting what he feels he can never do: which is to lose weight, which in turn may stir up the very familiar self-loathing and despair cycle I know I am very familiar with.

So the point is, you keep doing what you need to do for you! You are still the #1 priority in your own life, no matter how much you love him. And with that, just let him know that you are there for him regardless. That will give him the courage (perhaps) to be vulnerable one day and reach out to you when he hits bottom and wants to change his situation.

I know it must be hard not to be defensive when you feel someone is rejecting you - whether or not that is true, or doesn't seem to support what you are doing to make your life better. But at heart, he is probably not rejecting you so much as he is simply afraid he can never do what you did. Your success puts an even brighter spotlight on him that he has not changed his situation, whereas you did. At the end of the day, your choice to get better, while loving him unconditionally will do its best work.

I can attest that all the talking in the world only made me feel worse about myself. I had tried everything and failed so many times I simply gave up. But there came a time when I was desperate enough to finally elect surgery. (And was just approved for it two weeks ago by my doctor to begin the process).

Congratulations on your weight loss and your love for your brother. That's fantastic and truly "leads the way." Leading quietly by example is more powerful than mere words can ever be. It also keeps us humble when we realize how fragile our hold on health is, and how much we continually need grace to succeed. I respect you a lot for doing what you've done, and all my best to you and your brother!

Edited December 1, 2013 by patrice1

[Idairene 37]

Speaking as someone who just made the choice to get bariatric surgery two weeks ago, I could relate to the post about how even well-meaning people--even those who love us the most--can say things about our weight that trigger binges and more self-loathing, and deeper in the trenches. However, this is not to blame those who want to help (and who are often desperately worried about us) for our behavior.

Rather, it is to make the point that we truly are not ready until we are ready, and whatever point that occurs is different for all of us. If he knows you love and accept him where he is at, although you are concerned for him, this keeps the door open until he is ready. While I can't know this for sure, perhaps he is more concerned for you than his outward behavior may suggest (will I trigger her because I am continuing to eat the way I do). And/or, he may also be triggered by your success in spotlighting what he feels he can never do: which is to lose weight, which in turn may stir up the very familiar self-loathing and despair cycle I know I am very familiar with.

So the point is, you keep doing what you need to do for you! You are still the #1 priority in your own life, no matter how much you love him. And with that, just let him know that you are there for him regardless. That will give him the courage (perhaps) to be vulnerable one day and reach out to you when he hits bottom and wants to change his situation.

I know it must be hard not to be defensive when you feel someone is rejecting you - whether or not that is true, or doesn't seem to support what you are doing to make your life better. But at heart, he is probably not rejecting you so much as he is simply afraid he can never do what you did. Your success puts an even brighter spotlight on him that he has not changed his situation, whereas you did. At the end of the day, your choice to get better, while loving him unconditionally will do its best work.

I can attest that all the talking in the world only made me feel worse about myself. I had tried everything and failed so many times I simply gave up. But there came a time when I was desperate enough to finally elect surgery. (And was just approved for it two weeks ago by my doctor to begin the process).

Congratulations on your weight loss and your love for your brother. That's fantastic and truly "leads the way." Leading quietly by example is more powerful than mere words can ever be. It also keeps us humble when we realize how fragile our hold on health is, and how much we continually need grace to succeed. I respect you a lot for doing what you've done, and all my best to you and your brother!

First of all, congratulations on your decision and approval to have WLS. You are taking courageous steps to have a healthy, new life. You have great insight into the disease of obesity and this will be invaluable to you in your recovery and success.

I believe you are correct that seeing my success is triggering an uncomfortable feeling for him about his own obesity. He’s a very competitive person and it has to bother him to see his “kid sister” succeed as something he hasn’t begun to tackle. He had success with a medically supervised liquid diet about 12 years ago. Once he gained the weight back, he more or less went into denial about the disease. He was critical of my mother’s weight, her lack of physical activity but could not see that he was in the same situation.

I tackled my obesity differently. For me, it was like when Carrie Underwood sings about “tryin’ to spin the world the other way.” I had good luck with weight loss programs, behavioral changes and regular exercise. I tried and tried and tried, but when the weight return again after a particularly stressful period in my life, I decided I needed to explore surgery, that I had exhausted all other options and that I myself was exhausted from trying so hard to change something I could not change, my morbidly obese BMI.

Despite my own success, I told my mom that I would never “tell” someone to have WLS . You are correct that the patient is only ready when they are ready. I was lucky. I had insurance, support from my children and friends and co-workers and a world-class medical team in nearby Boston. I was still in good health and had already incorporated many of the lifestyle changes that are required of patients. It was still a really difficult decision to make. I was truly, truly blessed with the opportunity for WLS that every obese patient should have available to them. I just pray that my brother will realize the same opportunity before it is too late.

[gowalking 10,790]

Oh wow...can I relate to this thread. My sister, who I am very close with is still obese while I have lost nearly 100 lbs. While I never purposely do anything to make her feel uneasy, I think just being so much smaller now makes her uneasy no matter what. I don't want my relationship with her to change but I fear it already has. She's said some not so nice/really snarky things to me lately. So much so that my mom commented on it and asked me if I was OK with some of the things she said. I chalked it up to my sister just being bratty but I have to tell you, some of what she said was downright mean and I really hope it wasn't because of the weight loss. I really do hope at some point she just decides to get the lapband as well and then we can be 'equal' again. Plus of course it's better for her health. She's developed high blood pressure and diabetes over the last couple of years.

[maryrevoir 1]

Unfortunately it is jealousy! I have three obese sisters and I only speak to one of them now! The other two can't handle the fact that I have done well with the surgery! If people are so unhappy with their own lives they need to do something about it!! Instead of picking fights with the people they should be happy for! As for the other sister, I show her the difference in my life it makes and hope she too will get on the bus to a happier life! It is extremely hard to see someone you love go through life being obese when you know so well that there is hope! I love my sister but I hate seeing her in my fat clothes and just being so uncomfortable! good luck with your brother!

[Fluffnomore 1,235]

I have one very obese, diabetic brother who my mother is hoping she can talk into the surgery, and one sister whose self-esteem has always been wrapped up in being thin…and she is not right now.

If anything, I think the surgery has the potential to damage my relationship with my sister. I hope not, but I don't know.

As for the brother, I have already told my mother that unless he asks her for help, her urging him will probably continue to drive the problem underground. Not that it's underground now, but he won't necessarily want to do anything unless it's his idea.

[patrice1 81]

Speaking as someone who just made the choice to get bariatric surgery two weeks ago, I could relate to the post about how even well-meaning people--even those who love us the most--can say things about our weight that trigger binges and more self-loathing, and deeper in the trenches. However, this is not to blame those who want to help (and who are often desperately worried about us) for our behavior.

Rather, it is to make the point that we truly are not ready until we are ready, and whatever point that occurs is different for all of us. If he knows you love and accept him where he is at, although you are concerned for him, this keeps the door open until he is ready. While I can't know this for sure, perhaps he is more concerned for you than his outward behavior may suggest (will I trigger her because I am continuing to eat the way I do). And/or, he may also be triggered by your success in spotlighting what he feels he can never do: which is to lose weight, which in turn may stir up the very familiar self-loathing and despair cycle I know I am very familiar with.

So the point is, you keep doing what you need to do for you! You are still the #1 priority in your own life, no matter how much you love him. And with that, just let him know that you are there for him regardless. That will give him the courage (perhaps) to be vulnerable one day and reach out to you when he hits bottom and wants to change his situation.

I know it must be hard not to be defensive when you feel someone is rejecting you - whether or not that is true, or doesn't seem to support what you are doing to make your life better. But at heart, he is probably not rejecting you so much as he is simply afraid he can never do what you did. Your success puts an even brighter spotlight on him that he has not changed his situation, whereas you did. At the end of the day, your choice to get better, while loving him unconditionally will do its best work.

I can attest that all the talking in the world only made me feel worse about myself. I had tried everything and failed so many times I simply gave up. But there came a time when I was desperate enough to finally elect surgery. (And was just approved for it two weeks ago by my doctor to begin the process).

Congratulations on your weight loss and your love for your brother. That's fantastic and truly "leads the way." Leading quietly by example is more powerful than mere words can ever be. It also keeps us humble when we realize how fragile our hold on health is, and how much we continually need grace to succeed. I respect you a lot for doing what you've done, and all my best to you and your brother!

First of all, congratulations on your decision and approval to have WLS. You are taking courageous steps to have a healthy, new life. You have great insight into the disease of obesity and this will be invaluable to you in your recovery and success.

I believe you are correct that seeing my success is triggering an uncomfortable feeling for him about his own obesity. He’s a very competitive person and it has to bother him to see his “kid sister” succeed as something he hasn’t begun to tackle. He had success with a medically supervised liquid diet about 12 years ago. Once he gained the weight back, he more or less went into denial about the disease. He was critical of my mother’s weight, her lack of physical activity but could not see that he was in the same situation.

I tackled my obesity differently. For me, it was like when Carrie Underwood sings about “tryin’ to spin the world the other way.” I had good luck with weight loss programs, behavioral changes and regular exercise. I tried and tried and tried, but when the weight return again after a particularly stressful period in my life, I decided I needed to explore surgery, that I had exhausted all other options and that I myself was exhausted from trying so hard to change something I could not change, my morbidly obese BMI.

Despite my own success, I told my mom that I would never “tell” someone to have WLS . You are correct that the patient is only ready when they are ready. I was lucky. I had insurance, support from my children and friends and co-workers and a world-class medical team in nearby Boston. I was still in good health and had already incorporated many of the lifestyle changes that are required of patients. It was still a really difficult decision to make. I was truly, truly blessed with the opportunity for WLS that every obese patient should have available to them. I just pray that my brother will realize the same opportunity before it is too late.

Hi Idairene - Thank you for your encouragement and sharing your struggle and success with me. It is inspiring, for sure. I get the sibling rivalry thing. In fact, after seeing your post and some of the other posts here, I will be on the lookout for that kind of thing with my own. It's possible. In fact, I am guessing it can happen with girlfriends too.

Like you, I was successful at exercise and weight loss before. But the regain always happened, and it included "and then some" to go with it. It was a very tough decision to finally accept surgery as the treatment option I needed. In fact, it was the "regain" issue - that only 5% of obese people actually keep the weight off that made me decide to move forward. Now, I am glad I am. Still, the encouragement makes a lot of difference and I thank you for that.

I hope that your brother will come around, for his sake. But if he doesn't, I am glad that you are not going to let that bring you down. It would upset me, though, if I were in the same place - that my sibling wouldn't be supportive of my success in losing weight! You deserve a lot of credit and I hope he can give that to you. You prolonged your life by doing what you did. If someone had cancer or some other kind of illness, who would be jealous? Well, obesity is on the same continuum of disease.

I will keep looking for your posts. It's good to have some wisdom along the way!

All the best,

Patrice

[Idairene 37]

Patrice, I'm glad to know that you are able to get some support from my posts - just as I did from yours. It's interesting what you said about It would upset me, though, if I were in the same place - that my sibling wouldn't be supportive of my success in losing weight! Because initially, when I was home recovering, I was facing some issues with nausea and dehydration and during that time, he was very supportive. He texted me every day or called to see how I was and listened to me complain and carry on. It has only been since I have recovered and have been sharing photos of my weight loss that he started to become a little antagonistic. He initially advised me that I shouldn't make the trip for Thanksgiving because I would be too tired from the surgery. I wasn't tired at all, I was just trying to figure out how to manage my food while on the road, how much vacation time to take and where to stay with my 2 dogs (because he didn't want us at his house). I actually called him back and asked if he was hesitant to see me and he said no, not at all. After I told him I had made pet-friendly motel reservations and arranged to work remote from my mom's for a few days, he called me back the next week and said "So, did you decide not to come after all?" Not "I just wanted to make sure you were still coming up..." Once there, he started encouraging me to leave a day early because the trip home was so long. So yeah, there's definately something about my weight loss that is making him uncomfortable, but I can't and don't want to change my new healthy life. I hope that even if he can't address his obesity, he at least comes to feel more comfortable with my new size because I am still the same person on the inside.

[patrice1 81]

<p>Patrice, I'm glad to know that you are able to get some support from my posts - just as I did from yours. It's interesting what you said about <em>It would upset me, though, if I were in the same place - that my sibling wouldn't be supportive of my success in losing weight!</em> Because initially, when I was home recovering, I was facing some issues with nausea and dehydration and during that time, he was very supportive. He texted me every day or called to see how I was and listened to me complain and carry on. It has only been since I have recovered and have been sharing photos of my weight loss that he started to become a little antagonistic. He initially advised me that I shouldn't make the trip for Thanksgiving because I would be too tired from the surgery. I wasn't tired at all, I was just trying to figure out how to manage my food while on the road, how much vacation time to take and where to stay with my 2 dogs (because he didn't want us at his house). I actually called him back and asked if he was hesitant to see me and he said no, not at all. After I told him I had made pet-friendly motel reservations and arranged to work remote from my mom's for a few days, he called me back the next week and said "So, did you decide not to come after all?" Not "I just wanted to make sure you were still coming up..." Once there, he started encouraging me to leave a day early because the trip home was so long. So yeah, there's definately something about my weight loss that is making him uncomfortable, but I can't and don't want to change my new healthy life. I hope that even if he can't address his obesity, he at least comes to feel more comfortable with my new size because I am still the same person on the inside.</p>

Wow-- He is definitely acting out toward you ... It's too bad, though, because he is missing out. Your sentence about your being the same person inside is so true....it just makes me see all the dysfunctional thinking that goes on with a food addiction. He would rather shut out the sister he loves and who loves him rather than deal with what's going on inside himself when faced with your weight loss..... I am glad you aren't letting it affect your new healthy life. It has to hurt a bit though! Love how strong you are being. I can't wait to have the surgery and get started myself. My insurance is covering this and I am very grateful. I know I will still have to work it, but there's just this deep sense of knowing I am on the right path. It's so good to feel that peace. Blessings to you too.

[7 Bites_Jen 479]

I can relate to this simply because I have been in his shoes!! I fought the decision for ten years to do it. I had to come to terms with my health on my own - no one could make that choice for me. Just be there as a support for him, and if and when he DOES decide to do it (or any other way of weight loss, for that matter!) be there to support him. You're a good sister to care so much for him and his well-being.