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Angry, Anxious, and Relieved
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Hello, all!
My name is Raven. I'm 35 and I'm pre-op. My surgery date is January 6, 2014 and I have very mixed feelings about it.
I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and I have a particularly bad case of it. I have all the symptoms in varying degrees of severity. I also haven't seen a natural menstrual cycle since I was 22 and only recently, within the last year, were they able to force a cycle with near dangerously high doses of progesterone and even that has stopped working. Because of my amenorrhea (total absence of a cycle), I've been through multiple surgeries to remove hypoplasia (pre-cancerous buildups) and calcifications from my uterus. I am, of course, infertile because of this and from being overweight.
Along my journey of doctors and surgeons, almost every one has brought up weight loss surgery. "NO WAY!" I would proclaim loudly. I've done my research and I also watched a few of the videos of the surgeries. I've seen the poking and the bleeding and the meatball surgery... and these guys know they are being watched and video taped for the world to see! What are the ones who aren't being watched doing? Yeah, you can forget that...
After a few years of struggling, dieting, surgeries, losing the constant battle against my weight, my symptoms gaining strength and frequency, the sudden realization that I'm in my mid-30s and haven't had a child... the "NO WAY!" turned into... "Okay, but only as an absolute last resort."
A couple of years ago, my endocrinologist told me we were at the "last resort". I told him I wanted to give one more try myself. I redoubled my efforts at dieting. I took myself down to 1000 calories a day. I was exercising for 4-6 hours a day. I started making progress! Over the course of almost 2 years, I went from 300 lbs. to 215 lbs. Huge, right? Don't worry, I nearly broke my arm patting myself on the back. But I just could not keep up that momentum and my body started breaking down. And the moment I let up even a little bit on either the calories (even just 100) or the exercise (even just 30 minutes), I would either plateau or start gaining again.
Then I made a huge move across the country which required all of my mental and physical resources over the course of a few months. I was still counting calories, averaging 1500-1600. And by the time I was moved and settled, I was up to 235. I tried to regain some control, but this was about the time they started putting me on high dose progesterone. This gave me extreme irritability, unprovoked and constant crying, and insatiable hunger. So now, I'm back to 245 lbs. and just hopelessly watching the scale inch up a pound or three every month.
I brought all of this to my recent endocrinologist appointment and she said, "Raven, we're at the end of our rope." It rang in my head for about 10 minutes. She said our last options are a partial hysterectomy or weight loss surgery. But either way, I can't go on the way I am. Not only is my quality of life suffering tremendously, but the health risks, especially the constant threat of endometrial (uterus) cancer, are on the verge of consuming my life.
So, I finally gave in. I went to my first appointment with the VSG surgeon in September. I've scheduled out to January because my insurance doesn't cover ANY of the cost of the surgery. Not a whit. Luckily (and unluckily), my endoscopy found a severe hiatal hernia that needs immediate attention so that forced my insurance to chip in half, but I still have to come up with $6k. I tried the medical credit sites, but have been turned down.
I'm angry that no matter what I did, I was forced to this. It's infuriating that if any person without PCOS would have done what I've done, they'd have lost 300+ lbs in the time it took me to lose 80. It's maddening that I could maintain at 1500-1600 calories a day if it weren't for the progesterone that's sort of keeping me for getting cancer. I'm filled with trepidation over someone cutting out a significant portion of a very beloved body part. I know that the risks of death or serious injury are minimal and that the practice has been highly refined over the years, but my trepidation prevails.
But I'm also relieved that I've finally committed to it.
And I'm admittedly a little excited at the prospect of the help this could provide... not just for my weight, but for my PCOS that has been plaguing me since I was 14 years old.
Thanks for listening to me ramble.