I was born at 12lbs and my weight has always been on the heavier side growing up, I consider this my safety zone (aka comfort zone). In addition to my weight I faced some serious adversity in my early childhood years that essentially lead to emotional eating. I was using food to cope while i was in survivor mode and unfortunately never let that go. I'm scared to be skinny for a few reasons but mainly because I'll be loosing my coping, my imaginary friend in a sense however I have proactively started to build new coping skills (will share mad skills soon!) with a therapist and through this wonderful site <3 ) but more so im scared of being physically harmed because I'll be much lighter and thinner which makes me feel vulnerable to offenders.

Its a thought that has been running through my mind so I really wanted express the reflection and that I'm challenging myself to let some fears go, little by little.

You couldn't possibly be in better company than all the great folks on this forum. There isn't a single one of us that can't relate to fear. Lots of different reasons but when all is said and done, fear is fear. Life is meant to be good and we deserve to be happy. Welcome to the family! You're gonna love the new you!!

I didn't have the greatest of childhood, I too used food to deal with hard times. But when I really think about it food has also hurt me. What I mean is if it weren't for food I would be in this situation, so I think I'm ready to let go.

I didn't have the greatest of childhood' date=' I too used food to deal with hard times. But when I really think about it food has also hurt me. What I mean is if it weren't for food I would be in this situation, so I think I'm ready to let go.[/quote']

Those are some seriously powerful words my friend, thank you so much!

Those are some seriously powerful words my friend' date=' thank you so much![/quote']

Man I'm good hehehe

I can understand your feelings, not that I'm scared its just hard to rap my mind around being skinny, let's not sweat the small stuff. Embrase the new you to come.... Much success to you!!!

I have always felt like I was a skinny girl trapped in a fat girls body! Food is my best friend and worst enemy. I know after this surgery I will find a new best friend.

I have always felt like I was a skinny girl trapped in a fat girls body! Food is my best friend and worst enemy. I know after this surgery I will find a new best friend.

I have always felt like I was a skinny girl trapped in a fat girls body! food is my best friend and worst enemy. I know after this surgery I will find a new best friend.

Omg that is where I'm at right now!

I go places with my bf and sit at restaurants thinking there's a ton of room in the booth, get in and barely fit, look over and think to myself why is there so much more room on the other side?? I've never felt that big, so I've always convinced myself I'm ok but whenever I'm with a skinny friend I suddenly notice my problem and get really down about it. I just want to be comfortable in my own shoes again..

I was born at 12lbs and my weight has always been on the heavier side growing up' date=' I consider this my safety zone (aka comfort zone). In addition to my weight I faced some serious adversity in my early childhood years that essentially lead to emotional eating. I was using food to cope while i was in survivor mode and unfortunately never let that go. I'm scared to be skinny for a few reasons but mainly because I'll be loosing my coping, my imaginary friend in a sense however I have proactively started to build new coping skills (will share mad skills soon!) with a therapist and through this wonderful site <3 ) but more so im scared of being physically harmed because I'll be much lighter and thinner which makes me feel vulnerable to offenders.

Its a thought that has been running through my mind so I really wanted express the reflection and that I'm challenging myself to let some fears go, little by little.[/quote']

This is very normal. Food Unfortunately has served as an addiction for all of us for way too long. Food served some sort of purpose, for me, I was never in control of anything, I was emotional, and physically abused all my life, and food was always there to make me my tummy feel warm, and a sense of fullness from something. It was my gateway to happiness.

There was nothing I could control being a child in a well to do home that kept the abuse hush hush, even from other close family. I learned that when my dad was eating, he was happy, and this was the only time I did not have to hear the yelling or see the abuse, so I would eat and eat and eat, and I would never want to be done. Then as my brother, sister, and I grew bigger, no one could "mess" with us, we were 3 siblings all well over 300 in high school. It then served as my guard, my size that is. I grew to be the fat girl everyone loved, and gosh for the first time someone loved me for being the way I was.

I tried to diet over the years always longing to be like my friends who were smaller. As I entered my senior year in high school we went to six flags on a class trip, this boy I really really like asked me to ride the batman with him, so we even waiting in line for the 2 seater front row! It was our turn to get in, I sat down and it wouldn't buckle. The worker made his way down and kept jammmming it, and low and behold, it wasn't going anywhere. I was mortified, I ran out of there, down the stairs, and ran to the closest food stand and gorged. That was my escape, and safe zone from harm. I then secluded myself from those friends in fear that they may ask me what happened, and I couldn't face that. I then began gng to buffets by myself, or ordering take out Chinese after school to eat in 30 minutes before I worked all night at a fast food restaurant, where I ate all night as well.

I went on to seek attention from older older guys who needed money from me, but hey they gave me attention right. They touched me, as no one ever had, it made me feel amazing, and someone loved . These four years of mylife just made my insecurities worse, as these guys really just walked all over me.

I then was at 350lbs!!!!!! I was in school, and just distanced my self from the bad, but went to he bars and sought out one night stands for years. Through friends, I met this amazing guy, now my fiancé, whom we have a one year child with. Which put me to my current highest weight of 386 lbs. My obgyn doctors scale only went to 350, so in the small local hospital that I got to, I was forced to go to X-ray department every weekend to weight in on the industrial wheel chair ramp that needed assembly every time, how embarrassing. I grew into a deep depression, and my fiancé stood by my side telling me he loved me over and over.

My weight and everything that comes with being over weight, frusteratiob, depression, hotness, sweatiness, everything, has caused issues in our relationship, and I am robbing myself and my fiancé of a happy,life by being so unhappy, and always craving a xlarge papa johns pizza or 5 mcdubs. It's not fair to him that when I am gentry, I am upset. I made my decision to get surgery for myself, to be happy for once. With the love of my life by my side.

Ironically, I graduated with my masters degree in social work, and I am a therapist, who helps people go through this same stuff that I talk about. Yet just as nurses are there worst patient, so are therapists.

All in all, food is an addiction, it serves hidden purposes, and it becomes our gateway, it becomes our safe zone, it overcomes every aspect of our life.

I had surgery July 24, so I am 1 week post op today, and I am ready for the rest of my life to be happy. Sure, it is a constant struggle at first because your doing something so healthy but taking away everything you love, and that makes you feel so good!!!

I hope this helps, and feel free to ask questions

Remember "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"

This is very normal. food Unfortunately has served as an addiction for all of us for way too long. Food served some sort of purpose' date=' for me, I was never in control of anything, I was emotional, and physically abused all my life, and food was always there to make me my tummy feel warm, and a sense of fullness from something. It was my gateway to happiness.

There was nothing I could control being a child in a well to do home that kept the abuse hush hush, even from other close family. I learned that when my dad was eating, he was happy, and this was the only time I did not have to hear the yelling or see the abuse, so I would eat and eat and eat, and I would never want to be done. Then as my brother, sister, and I grew bigger, no one could "mess" with us, we were 3 siblings all well over 300 in high school. It then served as my guard, my size that is. I grew to be the fat girl everyone loved, and gosh for the first time someone loved me for being the way I was.

I tried to diet over the years always longing to be like my friends who were smaller. As I entered my senior year in high school we went to six flags on a class trip, this boy I really really like asked me to ride the batman with him, so we even waiting in line for the 2 seater front row! It was our turn to get in, I sat down and it wouldn't buckle. The worker made his way down and kept jammmming it, and low and behold, it wasn't going anywhere. I was mortified, I ran out of there, down the stairs, and ran to the closest food stand and gorged. That was my escape, and safe zone from harm. I then secluded myself from those friends in fear that they may ask me what happened, and I couldn't face that. I then began gng to buffets by myself, or ordering take out Chinese after school to eat in 30 minutes before I worked all night at a fast food restaurant, where I ate all night as well.

I went on to seek attention from older older guys who needed money from me, but hey they gave me attention right. They touched me, as no one ever had, it made me feel amazing, and someone loved . These four years of mylife just made my insecurities worse, as these guys really just walked all over me.

I then was at 350lbs!!!!!! I was in school, and just distanced my self from the bad, but went to he bars and sought out one night stands for years. Through friends, I met this amazing guy, now my fiancé, whom we have a one year child with. Which put me to my current highest weight of 386 lbs. My obgyn doctors scale only went to 350, so in the small local hospital that I got to, I was forced to go to X-ray department every weekend to weight in on the industrial wheel chair ramp that needed assembly every time, how embarrassing. I grew into a deep depression, and my fiancé stood by my side telling me he loved me over and over.

My weight and everything that comes with being over weight, frusteratiob, depression, hotness, sweatiness, everything, has caused issues in our relationship, and I am robbing myself and my fiancé of a happy,life by being so unhappy, and always craving a xlarge papa johns pizza or 5 mcdubs. It's not fair to him that when I am gentry, I am upset. I made my decision to get surgery for myself, to be happy for once. With the love of my life by my side.

Ironically, I graduated with my masters degree in social work, and I am a therapist, who helps people go through this same stuff that I talk about. Yet just as nurses are there worst patient, so are therapists.

All in all, food is an addiction, it serves hidden purposes, and it becomes our gateway, it becomes our safe zone, it overcomes every aspect of our life.

I had surgery July 24, so I am 1 week post op today, and I am ready for the rest of my life to be happy. Sure, it is a constant struggle at first because your doing something so healthy but taking away everything you love, and that makes you feel so good!!!

I hope this helps, and feel free to ask questions <img src='http://www.bariatricpal.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='' />

Remember "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"

[/quote']

What an amazing story of sorrow and triumph!! You got this- you are on this journey to a happier healthier you and family and that's worth the fight!! Btw I'm a clinical social worher as well!

And to truly respond to the post, yes, I think we are all truly scared!! I know I am, scared beyond belief that the 5 year old girl inside of me cannot accomplish this, as I was always told I was worthless. I am scared that those emotions of hurt, pain, scared, fear, and anger will come back now that i am not gorging myself. I never remained at a constant weight, always gained. So we're in this together. I am just not taking no for an answer from myself.

I keep telling myself I have this man who,loooooves me, who held me at my highest. And I want to be there to grow old with him.

And to truly respond to the post' date=' yes, I think we are all truly scared!! I know I am, scared beyond belief that the 5 year old girl inside of me cannot accomplish this, as I was always told I was worthless. I am scared that those emotions of hurt, pain, scared, fear, and anger will come back now that i am not gorging myself. I never remained at a constant weight, always gained. So we're in this together. I am just not taking no for an answer from myself.

I keep telling myself I have this man who,loooooves me, who held me at my highest. And I want to be there to grow old with him.[/quote']

Wow! Wow! Wow! First off that k you for sharing your story, this post has given me some real insight. When you say we're in this journey together I truly believe you. Congrats for 1wj post op, can't wait until I'm post:) much love, respect and kindness. <3 Jade

*crying bc ur singing my life like all of u found my diary and are reading it outloud.

I feel the same way. I have been heavy since I was old enough to talk and whine...my dad shut me up basically with McDonald's behind my mom's back. My food addiction grew from there. My after school snack at 3 was a full sandwich. That was followed by a huge Southern style home cooked meal every night at 5 sharp. And that's how I've been living ever since. I'm 27 now and have a daughter. I do not want her to rely on food like mama did. She was my true inspiration to hve surgery. Its been 4 weeks since surgery and I'm 35 lbs lighter. I miss food. I miss soda. But I don't want to miss a single thing my lil girl does in life. And that's why I eat healthy and exercise every single day. Best of luck to you )

This is very normal. food Unfortunately has served as an addiction for all of us for way too long. Food served some sort of purpose' date=' for me, I was never in control of anything, I was emotional, and physically abused all my life, and food was always there to make me my tummy feel warm, and a sense of fullness from something. It was my gateway to happiness.

There was nothing I could control being a child in a well to do home that kept the abuse hush hush, even from other close family. I learned that when my dad was eating, he was happy, and this was the only time I did not have to hear the yelling or see the abuse, so I would eat and eat and eat, and I would never want to be done. Then as my brother, sister, and I grew bigger, no one could "mess" with us, we were 3 siblings all well over 300 in high school. It then served as my guard, my size that is. I grew to be the fat girl everyone loved, and gosh for the first time someone loved me for being the way I was.

I tried to diet over the years always longing to be like my friends who were smaller. As I entered my senior year in high school we went to six flags on a class trip, this boy I really really like asked me to ride the batman with him, so we even waiting in line for the 2 seater front row! It was our turn to get in, I sat down and it wouldn't buckle. The worker made his way down and kept jammmming it, and low and behold, it wasn't going anywhere. I was mortified, I ran out of there, down the stairs, and ran to the closest food stand and gorged. That was my escape, and safe zone from harm. I then secluded myself from those friends in fear that they may ask me what happened, and I couldn't face that. I then began gng to buffets by myself, or ordering take out Chinese after school to eat in 30 minutes before I worked all night at a fast food restaurant, where I ate all night as well.

I went on to seek attention from older older guys who needed money from me, but hey they gave me attention right. They touched me, as no one ever had, it made me feel amazing, and someone loved . These four years of mylife just made my insecurities worse, as these guys really just walked all over me.

I then was at 350lbs!!!!!! I was in school, and just distanced my self from the bad, but went to he bars and sought out one night stands for years. Through friends, I met this amazing guy, now my fiancé, whom we have a one year child with. Which put me to my current highest weight of 386 lbs. My obgyn doctors scale only went to 350, so in the small local hospital that I got to, I was forced to go to X-ray department every weekend to weight in on the industrial wheel chair ramp that needed assembly every time, how embarrassing. I grew into a deep depression, and my fiancé stood by my side telling me he loved me over and over.

My weight and everything that comes with being over weight, frusteratiob, depression, hotness, sweatiness, everything, has caused issues in our relationship, and I am robbing myself and my fiancé of a happy,life by being so unhappy, and always craving a xlarge papa johns pizza or 5 mcdubs. It's not fair to him that when I am gentry, I am upset. I made my decision to get surgery for myself, to be happy for once. With the love of my life by my side.

Ironically, I graduated with my masters degree in social work, and I am a therapist, who helps people go through this same stuff that I talk about. Yet just as nurses are there worst patient, so are therapists.

All in all, food is an addiction, it serves hidden purposes, and it becomes our gateway, it becomes our safe zone, it overcomes every aspect of our life.

I had surgery July 24, so I am 1 week post op today, and I am ready for the rest of my life to be happy. Sure, it is a constant struggle at first because your doing something so healthy but taking away everything you love, and that makes you feel so good!!!

I hope this helps, and feel free to ask questions

Remember "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"

[/quote']

So great to find another social worker on this forum! I work primarily with the substance abuse population and when comparing a food addiction to a substance addiction, there's just not that much of a difference. If only more people would look at obesity in this sort of way rather than some form of laziness, perhaps much of the stigma attached to obesity could be lessened.