gain goal regain How was your 5:2 day today?

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

147 this morning.

I didn't go out last night but I did go to lunch with my son and his girlfriend. I did that partially to get out of the house and partly because I realized I hadn't been eating. Last night I scrubbed my pick up and horse trailer. Exhausting to get rid of the winter build up. I bought cleaning supplies at an auto parts store. .and I realized I have become a character. The 4 people working there were all talking to me about horses, trucks and removing that green crap that grows over the winter.lol my dad was a character, I think I an becoming one heaven forbid

Florinda glad you are safe in Germany. Why is it important to re run those tests? Isn't the next step to get out of Dodge?

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

Florinda, I am glad you're safe in Germany. I hope they have something to make you feel better.

Sheryl I am glad you had time with your son. There is nothing more I like better than spending time with my kids.

She said all that stuff with Downs is only if it's your first baby. I don't know if it's true. I am sure they will do testing. The whole thing makes me ill.

[Chimera 644]

Denise thank you, and thank Bill for the sweet note regarding the CPAP

 

Florinda I hope you are hanging in there - that goes for everyone else as well.

[Chimera 644]

Isnt it funny how insight can strike when you least expect it - I was cleaning the cat boxes and realizations, or words I guess started to flood.

I wont go into gory detail - but I had a horrific childhood, filled with terrifying violence and sexual abuse from my alcoholic step-dad (he died from cirrhosis long ago.) I have done a lot of time on the couch, and on meds and am good. I usually keep it to myself, but it is also not a secret with those closest to me.

I guess I feel like I am starting to wake up - 50 this year. Feels like I am just opening my eyes - I too must be getting into some of the serious stuff. This just poured out in the last 30 minutes - I apologize if this feels triggering to anyone.

"Always living with a vague expectation that enlightenment and a healing of the old, old wounds would strike one day like a bolt of lightening - or maybe gently like awaking from some bad dream. The longer I am alive I am coming to understand that this probably isn't going to happen.

That everyday we fight, some days we gain ground - some days we lose it - a little on some days, some days a lot. It is little victories over time - each adding up.

All the years of therapy, self-help, support groups...its one moment at a time - over time.

Years of hiding in pain, burying yourself under blankets, under hundreds of lbs of unburned calories, behind the walls and doors of your home - seeking solace in your surroundings- being made fun of for being different by the people you trust the most.

again, and again, and again.

Just be numb

Just don't look

maybe then it wont be true

what is real and what happened will cease to be so

Learning to not turn away - not to hide is hard work.

Bravery is not for sissies.

What is courage?

Why so much fear of what happened lifetimes ago?

What you put up with from others

How poorly you treated yourself for so long.

This is like learning to see

to speak

to walk

to feel

for the first time maybe. Is that old me true? Is that still me? What am I? Who am I?

I looked at a snapshot of the August 2009 Goddard residency and I can finally see how malignant my despair and mistreatment of myself is - in my weight - the symptom that becomes the focus and the problem. A heavy horse collar of shame - its like being imprisoned in the stocks - immobile, every step pain, every glance from others cruel - like being flayed alive every moment of every day.

Maybe if I am lucky this fire of shame will burn me right to ash.

Deep, deep sadness and hopelessness

Try so hard to change - and it never seems to stick - I cant win. I could never win.

I am doing the same thing to myself now with my belief in my abilities as a teacher and an artist - hardly a day passes that I am not wracked with fear, doubt, and the battle against my own weaknesses. Here you are again, more exposed even now. No matter how hard you wish you had that magic lamp that would take away the anxiety, the panic, the terror you feel everyday at just breathing - there is no such thing.

It is part of you

it IS you

Where is my strength? Do I even have any?

The only respite will come from within yourself - for yourself.

How the f**k do I fix the broken stuff

I weep now at even being able to access these feelings.

Fraught

Frightening

Breathe

Dig the knives out of the back and stand up straight.

Look it right in the f**king eye

step forward

step up

Let go"

Edited April 12, 2014 by Chimera

[feedyoureye 3,087]

 

Well it was my 2 year anniversary yesterday and I did hope to be at goal but it is not meant to be - I am 96% of the way there! In my innocence I did think that I might have made goal by year 1, however, a slow rate of loss soon made it evident that it would take longer. Not too disappointed though because without the sleeve I would be up on my starting weight of 263 by now I'm sure.

 

Still ploughing through the house and sorting out the cupboards, it's amazing how many trips to the tip (rubbish tip - don't know the US translation) we have made as well as numerous trips to the charity shops. It's quite cathartic clearing out the old life to make way for the new one.

 

Hope everyone is well.

I didn't get to goal until almost year 3. Still was a sweet event.  You will get there Cathy!

Wohoo Girlfriend! I am so proud of you!

Oh and I almost forgot:

 

I earned a 4.0 for the entire year. That means that every single class I took I got an A in. Wow, makes me feel confident!

 

I had hip and foot problems before WLS... they mostly went away but I promptly got bone spurs in my knee. WTF! The walking wounded... wounded by gravity and fat! At least now they don't say "Lose weight" as a remedy.

Found out i have pretty significant arthritic changes in my hip. Injection today and next is physical therapy.  I am pretty blue about it. It's funny, I accepted excess skin as part of the price I had to pay for the decades of obesity.  I was prepared to live with it even if I couldn't have plastics.  Somehow, all this joint damage (on top of two knees with no cartledge left) is just a reminder of how much I have hurt myself being so fat for so long. I will get over my pity party soon, but for right now I am grieving for the things I have lost to obesity.  It is funny that I never went through these emotions while losing weight. ... I think it is just that i look so freaking normal now that sometimes I believe that I am... but it is an illusion.  Doesn't matter how good you look, underneath the hood is still someone at least somewhat disabled... and my future life continues to be impacted by obesity.

 

I am in the hospital in BAF, getting medivac'd to Germany on Saturday.  It turned out, I couldn't handle another four months of this....

Holy cow girl! Your on the move now... The wheels are in motion and things can get better soon!

 

Oh for heavens sake! That is a tragedy. I didn't go through menopause until my later 50s... and when I got WLS they said use your birth control... lots of people get preg after losing weight because of the uptake of hormones from the fat...I was 57!

Sheryl, I am sure you are experiencing a mid life crisis. I said that too, not just Swizz. Everyone seems to reivaluate their lives at around age 50.

 

I could not live out  in the country. I have friends that do. Bill does.

 

Bill's ex says she is pregnant. She is eithe or 54. She says she wants nothing from Bill.  I think she is crazy to want to have a baby at her age. We are really afraid she will carry it for awhile and anything past 26 weeks they will try to save.

 

She is going to mail him the blood tests results.

 

So far, it's just brought Bill and me closer. He's so freaked and I just feel bad for him. What a mess.

I work with adults with Downes every day,and they are larger than life individuals ! I would hate to see any of them go...but I would never pass judgement on any pregnant woman to take a pass on having a child with Downes...quite a handfull! 

 

Denise - this is fatal attraction drama!  She is 54, and pregnant?!  From what you have said about her, I wouldn't put it past her to falsify a blood test or even the pregnancy itself.  Shoot, if she is as messed up as you have indicated, it could very well be a phantom pregnancy that her mind concocted to "keep" BIll.  oy.

 

As for me, I leave for Germany tomorrow, I have formal complaints against my leadership for HPPA violations, and I could possibly be on the west coast before the end of the month.

 

I am filing for worker's comp, I do not yet have a job lined up in Seattle and the apartment I found requires, as they all do, proof of employment, any suggestions?

Edited April 12, 2014 by feedyoureye

[feedyoureye 3,087]

OK, I have been sick, and just not feeling like coming here,or much of anything else... but I'm back. I have been eating a little crazy, over by 700 cals yesterday... have been writing it down...making myself do it... Hanging around the tippy top of my bounce range. Missed two days of work and two dance classes...I figured I'd better get my butt back her to catch up before there were 100 pages between where I left off and the new end of the line. My fasting has been pretty pathetic... maybe one real day in the last 10. Thank you all for sharing. You are such real women. Love ya all! I am still working on the family tree "book" and its pretty fun. I am finding out our little renegade, ragtag, mainly agricultural salt of the earth DNA doners come from some blue blood. Of course most of them were scoundrels, warlords and a few even were beheaded and poisoned... not to mention the plague. Who needs Braveheart or the Tudors? Bit by bit I am identifying some of the photos in the family albums... some great farm shots, horses pulling plows, pulling carriages, being ridden by farm ladies and gents. chicken coops, green houses and garden fields... What ever the family found dear. 

Last night my husband told me I should "get over" the idea that Im an artist... that I'm not. When he's mad at the world, he doesn't mind taking a low blow at me. I have been "on the shelf" for almost a year, however I am in a show opening tonight, and have offers of several more if I want them. My ideas/feelings are just too big for my work right now. I hope to change that soon. Learning to use the camera, my birdwatching adventures, my family history research for the book... have all just been more interesting, and i hope they will inform my new work when it comes. Only I can say when I am or am not an artist. It took me years to commit to calling my self an "artist" and not just a person who makes art or likes art, or  the like... I take the profession too seriously for that...for heavens sake, Michelangelo was an artist .... it is more than just making x amount of objects, and is a way of seeing the world as well. I asked him if he thought it was a good idea to insult me in ways that makes me hate him. He sort of slowed down and went back to his business... and in a few minutes was putting on a better mood.... he does not know how to apologize in a straight forward manor. Its a shame.

[sarsar 824]

Isnt it funny how insight can strike when you least expect it - I was cleaning the cat boxes and realizations, or words I guess started to flood.

I wont go into gory detail - but I had a horrific childhood, filled with terrifying violence and sexual abuse from my alcoholic step-dad (he died from cirrhosis long ago.) I have done a lot of time on the couch, and on meds and am good. I usually keep it to myself, but it is also not a secret with those closest to me.

I guess I feel like I am starting to wake up - 50 this year. Feels like I am just opening my eyes - I too must be getting into some of the serious stuff. This just poured out in the last 30 minutes - I apologize if this feels triggering to anyone.

"Always living with a vague expectation that enlightenment and a healing of the old, old wounds would strike one day like a bolt of lightening - or maybe gently like awaking from some bad dream. The longer I am alive I am coming to understand that this probably isn't going to happen.

That everyday we fight, some days we gain ground - some days we lose it - a little on some days, some days a lot. It is little victories over time - each adding up.

All the years of therapy, self-help, support groups...its one moment at a time - over time.

Years of hiding in pain, burying yourself under blankets, under hundreds of lbs of unburned calories, behind the walls and doors of your home - seeking solace in your surroundings- being made fun of for being different by the people you trust the most.

again, and again, and again.

Just be numb

Just don't look

maybe then it wont be true

what is real and what happened will cease to be so

Learning to not turn away - not to hide is hard work.

Bravery is not for sissies.

What is courage?

Why so much fear of what happened lifetimes ago?

What you put up with from others

How poorly you treated yourself for so long.

This is like learning to see

to speak

to walk

to feel

for the first time maybe. Is that old me true? Is that still me? What am I? Who am I?

I looked at a snapshot of the August 2009 Goddard residency and I can finally see how malignant my despair and mistreatment of myself is - in my weight - the symptom that becomes the focus and the problem. A heavy horse collar of shame - its like being imprisoned in the stocks - immobile, every step pain, every glance from others cruel - like being flayed alive every moment of every day.

Maybe if I am lucky this fire of shame will burn me right to ash.

Deep, deep sadness and hopelessness

Try so hard to change - and it never seems to stick - I cant win. I could never win.

I am doing the same thing to myself now with my belief in my abilities as a teacher and an artist - hardly a day passes that I am not wracked with fear, doubt, and the battle against my own weaknesses. Here you are again, more exposed even now. No matter how hard you wish you had that magic lamp that would take away the anxiety, the panic, the terror you feel everyday at just breathing - there is no such thing.

It is part of you

it IS you

Where is my strength? Do I even have any?

The only respite will come from within yourself - for yourself.

How the f**k do I fix the broken stuff

I weep now at even being able to access these feelings.

Fraught

Frightening

Breathe

Dig the knives out of the back and stand up straight.

Look it right in the f**king eye

step forward

step up

Let go"

Yes! Thank you, Kelly. Thank you. Hugs.

[sarsar 824]

OK, I have been sick, and just not feeling like coming here,or much of anything else... but I'm back. I have been eating a little crazy, over by 700 cals yesterday... have been writing it down...making myself do it... Hanging around the tippy top of my bounce range. Missed two days of work and two dance classes...I figured I'd better get my butt back her to catch up before there were 100 pages between where I left off and the new end of the line. My fasting has been pretty pathetic... maybe one real day in the last 10. Thank you all for sharing. You are such real women. Love ya all! I am still working on the family tree "book" and its pretty fun. I am finding out our little renegade, ragtag, mainly agricultural salt of the earth DNA doners come from some blue blood. Of course most of them were scoundrels, warlords and a few even were beheaded and poisoned... not to mention the plague. Who needs Braveheart or the Tudors? Bit by bit I am identifying some of the photos in the family albums... some great farm shots, horses pulling plows, pulling carriages, being ridden by farm ladies and gents. chicken coops, green houses and garden fields... What ever the family found dear.

Last night my husband told me I should "get over" the idea that Im an artist... that I'm not. When he's mad at the world, he doesn't mind taking a low blow at me. I have been "on the shelf" for almost a year, however I am in a show opening tonight, and have offers of several more if I want them. My ideas/feelings are just too big for my work right now. I hope to change that soon. Learning to use the camera, my birdwatching adventures, my family history research for the book... have all just been more interesting, and i hope they will inform my new work when it comes. Only I can say when I am or am not an artist. It took me years to commit to calling my self an "artist" and not just a person who makes art or likes art, or the like... I take the profession too seriously for that...for heavens sake, Michelangelo was an artist .... it is more than just making x amount of objects, and is a way of seeing the world as well. I asked him if he thought it was a good idea to insult me in ways that makes me hate him. He sort of slowed down and went back to his business... and in a few minutes was putting on a better mood.... he does not know how to apologize in a straight forward manor. Its a shame.

Missed you Kim! You are an artist. What a wonderful example you are for your husband. Maybe just maybe one day he will learn to apologize. There is hope don't stop believing my friend. I have had ppl tell me this about the things that have made me feel hatred in my hubs in the past. Hugs to you.

[sarsar 824]

Sheryl I LOVE what you wrote in the vets group. It was perfect. I think you should start a new topic in that group quoting what you wrote. If you don't want to do you mind if I do?

[feedyoureye 3,087]

Thank you Sarah, 

 

and am going to the vets forum to see what Sheryl wrote!

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Chimera I read what you wrote and wantee to reflect.

Not all of it applies to me but I was neglected, verbally and sexually abused. What related to me was that feeling that someday the hurt would be gone, I would grow out of it or that my amazingly good life would at least overshadow it. I have forgiven and I don't consciously carry around or dwell on all that history but it is undeniably part of me.

It is like that knowing that everybody dies, it's inevitable, but you still can't believe it when it happens to someone who you love. I know and accept my history and most of my life I have been able to harness it or ignore it or coexist with it but right now I feel that it must somehow be what is making me feel so lonely. Worse than feeling lonely is the feeling like it's not ever going to change.

I told someone I know pretty well about my rough patch. I made plans with her Sat to do an all day thing...a strategy to force myself to pretend to be living. Anyway she told me I am one of the happiest lively most optimistic people she knows, how is it possible that I feel so isolated. I don't think I am faking any of that as it is my basic personality and when I am engaging with people or activities I like I feel quite good.....but you can't spend 24/7 that way.

What I think some of us face...whether it's midlife or a childhood trauma history or some other reason is how bad it sometimes feels inside. I guess I buried alot of hurt. My counselor said that it was unusual I didn't do much grieving for loss of food during weight loss phase...and that I lived for so long in a relationship that made me feel so unloved.... and now I am sorta stripped naked in many ways. Nowhere left to hide.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Sheryl I LOVE what you wrote in the vets group. It was perfect. I think you should start a new topic in that group quoting what you wrote. If you don't want to do you mind if I do?

Are you talking about the reason the vets need a forum?

I have overwhelmed with PMs lately all saying more or less "tell me exactly what to do so I can transform like you did"

I openly share my photos with the intention of inspiring and I do look different...but I am also a bit taken aback because we all know that it is both very simple and very hard.

[sarsar 824]

Are you talking about the reason the vets need a forum?

I have overwhelmed with PMs lately all saying more or less "tell me exactly what to do so I can transform like you did"

I openly share my photos with the intention of inspiring and I do look different...but I am also a bit taken aback because we all know that it is both very simple and very hard.

Yes, that's what I was talking about. You know just how to say things!

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

You may certainly quote th a new thread..

Kim, you are an artist and him saying otherwise seems like a lashing out. I am sorry though, it must have hurt.

I had a horrible day that ended ok. And Sat was pretty good. I am severely mood disordered right now...don't get me wrong...but coping.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

145 this morning.

Ok, since I feel off the emotional cliff a week ago I have lost 5#. Hey, we would all love to loss 5# but, i don't want to do it in a "disordered eating" way. i am forcing myself to eat and often feel kinda sick when I do. I am even having troubles with Protein drinks... everything is just gross and unappealing. I would worry something was physically wrong with my tummy, but it is maps exactly to a week ago when I started feeling clinically depressed so i am quite sure it caused by that. I have never in my life been the kind that "can't eat" when upset so it is weird. I will observe that being perpetually under fueled does not feel good and I suspect it is one reason some people have a hard time breaking out of depression. I wanted to go for a hike yesterday and I had barely the energy for an easy walk with my dog. I know this and it is why I make myself eat even though I don't want to.

So even though I feel clinically depressed my counselor and many of my friends think it is just plain ole grief. Whatever it is, I can't take it anymore and so yesterday I started on the half dose of the drug Escitalopram (Lexapro) yesterday. It is supposed to be less likely to trigger side effects compared to some drugs in the same class.

Edited April 14, 2014 by CowgirlJane