Hi Guys,

I'm super perturbed right now and wondering if I'm overreacting and I don't have anywhere else where I can target and question a group of people, specifically men, so maybe you can help me out.

My husband is driving me nuts. My pre-op diet starts tomorrow so for dinner, I picked a restaurant that has cream cheese wontons -- yum! My husband complained the WHOLE time. Literally from the second we drove up (and he saw a couple walking in -- he hoped the restaurant was closed for Easter), to when we were walking back to the car and he complained that he felt sick.

Then we went to WalMart because I wanted to look at a Magic Bullet. Again, he complained the WHOLE time. The fact that we were at WalMart at all, then when I did a horrible thing by picking up a bottle of lotion, then when we got to the checkout and he was annoyed there was a line, then he was annoyed at how his items were bagged (HIS packs of socks and boxers) so he asked me if the worker was a "f***ing retard" and all the way out the door he complained.

Once in the car, I explained to him that he kind of made me feel bad. Was dinner and Walmart really that horrible for you, dear? I spent the day with my beloved grandmother in the ER, I have this preop diet starting, I'm nervous about surgery... can you just suck it up and suffer through a couple hours with me??

He believes there is no issue with his attitude -- the issue is with me for having a problem with his perfectly normal and fine attitude. And to top it off, he wants a blowie!! Wtf?! Am I being crazy, or is he being an ass??

A MAN should never, ever talk to a woman like that. It appears the man you married is still a little boy living in his past high school life, never matured and grew up to take care of his own. From the outside looking in, he doesn't respect you, and if he doesn't respect you there will never be any change for the better. Communication can save marriages, but if there's no respect, MUTUAL respect, things will only get tougher as you progress, especially after surgery.

My wife and I argue, at one point I thought it was our hobby. After a few years, we're in our 4th year of marriage, and I can honestly say, she's my damn soulmate and best friend in the entire world. We worked REALLY hard on respect, communication and love. We did the Love Dare and I really think that, and a book called The 5 Love Languages truly saved our marriage. Is he in to reading a book maybe? Have you expressed how you feel? Sidenote: Judging by his anger issues, you may want to have something between the two of you.

I don't mean to give a sarcastic reply, but if my husband ever spoke to me that way I would wait until he was asleep, get the cast iron skillet out of the kitchen, go wake him up, then the first thing he'd see when he opened his eyes would be the skillet crashing down on his face.

Do not put up with this type of BS. Life is too short and the time you spend wondering how to 'fix him' - well that is time you'll never get back.

My former husband behaved like that.....almost all of the time. It didn't get better until he started taking medication for extreme anxiety. He had three wonderful, happy months before he died in an accident. 9 years of marriage like that was tough. It certainly changed me.

Sounds like some issues that may need to be voiced to an objective professional.

Sounds like a lot of suggestions and judging going on by virtual strangers. No matter how you slice it, men and women are always gonna be from Mars and Venus. Ya know the real plus about living alone.......ya can't argue with yourself......(well ya could, but then they'd hafta put ya away.) Everyone is an individual and different. Constant compromising in a relationship is difficult. Space is always good. Put any two people together in a room and they will most certainly disagree about things. Whatever you do, don't do it based on suggestions from here. Good luck.

Wow! this is so sad......can you look down deep and ask yourself why you would tolerate this person speaking to you like this? I would totally insist on marriage counseling with the way you both communicate with each other and the lack of respect. there are no excuses for this behaviors. My husband would never act this way with me. We have been in some horrible arguments where we both were at fault but not be verbally assaultive to me...... Seek help now, not later.

Of course there are two sides of everything, but regardless the words out of his mouth were not ok. If he didn't want to be at Walmart.. Then he can just go commando since he had no good reason to be there?

Like I said, we don't know both sides, but there are no EXCUSES for some things in life. Period.

I appreciate everyone's perspective. My husband grew up without his dad in the picture and we don't have any married friends so sometimes I wonder what other marriages are like, how they make it through disagreements, etc.

I just had an orthodontist appointment and the sweet woman adjusting my braces asked, "how was your weekend?" Instant tears. I apologized for being a basket case, and she offered some advice as she got married at 18 (sort of similar to my situation -- together since 18). She said it sounds like he's taking you for granted, and I totally agree. I've often said I feel like we are roommates more than husband and wife.

Anyway, my husband and I talked last night. I told him that I keep waiting and waiting for things to get better, but we never set a deadline to check up on what we're trying to fix. So, we're giving it 6 months. I suggested a year, but 6 months should be adequate time. If things aren't better in 6 months, we'll figure out what to do with the house, the pets, etc., and get on our way.

I understand that just saying 6 months won't fix anything. He's going to go stay at his mom's for a little while... hopefully he'll miss coming home to our house, our pets, and most importantly, a wife that has supported him even when I didn't want to.

I also plan to write up a list of things I'd find in my ideal marriage. As much as I want my marriage to be ideal and perfect, I know that's not realistic -- I just want to not feel like crap about my marriage. He's also going to think about attending counseling with me.

And back in reality, today is day 1 of my preop diet. Thank goodness I have something to focus on, or I might just cry all damn day.

I appreciate everyone's perspective. My husband grew up without his dad in the picture and we don't have any married friends so sometimes I wonder what other marriages are like, how they make it through disagreements, etc.

I just had an orthodontist appointment and the sweet woman adjusting my braces asked, "how was your weekend?" Instant tears. I apologized for being a basket case, and she offered some advice as she got married at 18 (sort of similar to my situation -- together since 18). She said it sounds like he's taking you for granted, and I totally agree. I've often said I feel like we are roommates more than husband and wife.

Anyway, my husband and I talked last night. I told him that I keep waiting and waiting for things to get better, but we never set a deadline to check up on what we're trying to fix. So, we're giving it 6 months. I suggested a year, but 6 months should be adequate time. If things aren't better in 6 months, we'll figure out what to do with the house, the pets, etc., and get on our way.

I understand that just saying 6 months won't fix anything. He's going to go stay at his mom's for a little while... hopefully he'll miss coming home to our house, our pets, and most importantly, a wife that has supported him even when I didn't want to.

I also plan to write up a list of things I'd find in my ideal marriage. As much as I want my marriage to be ideal and perfect, I know that's not realistic -- I just want to not feel like crap about my marriage. He's also going to think about attending counseling with me.

And back in reality, today is day 1 of my preop diet. Thank goodness I have something to focus on, or I might just cry all damn day.

OMG girl! You are so rocking! Out with the old and in with the new......Take care of yourself make sure you follow through with this.......I'm so proud of you!

You are young... And going through a lot of changes.

By the things you said I'm going to assume this is not brand new behavior for him.

I can't imagine a person going from 0 to 60 like that. It's not the end of the world if you two don't make it. And it sounds like there are no children involved! Which is a good thing.

A marriage is a wonderful thing when the two people love and respect each other. But it's not something that I would want to stay in if the respect and love is missing and one person was unwilling to make the necessary adjustments, neither should you. I'm sorry and i know it's so much to go through on top of this life changing surgery. I wish you well.

Please take care,

Laura

When you hens......err women are all climbing on the support wagon, just remember there are always two sides to everything.......... and a whole lot of unknowns .......Just sayin.........

And SR910, I am reluctant to get involved in what is none of my business.........however......think about this.......during the time the two of you have established to

"hope for things to get better",........... "missing" each other by itself won't do it.!! You both need to communicate to each other openly and truthfully. Ya know, the stuff your really thinking in your head when your telling your partner only what you think they want to hear. Real life stuff......not storybook. Most people tell their best friends more actual truth than they tell their partners. Telling him how you want him to act without knowing why he is acting a certain way, or if he can....... will solve nothing. Same goes for you. Life is too precious to not enjoy it when it is in your control to change it...........be it with the one you're with or finding another. You are going to experience alot of changes. Make good use of it. Best wishes.......

When you hens......err women are all climbing on the support wagon' date=' just remember there are always two sides to everything.......... and a whole lot of unknowns .......Just sayin.........[/quote']

And sometimes us hens are just married to total *****. Just sayin... =)

***** = C o c k s

SR, you can go to counseling without him. You may just find out that you are responsible for your own happiness. When you make a list of your ideal marriage, know that you are making a list of your future resentments. There is no ideal marriage. Anybody who tells you there is, they are blowing smoke up your skirt. You are responsible for your own life, happiness and well being. If your husband wants to participate in this, great. Fabulous. Same thing in reverse. You are not responsible for his happiness. How intimate would you say your personal lives are? Are you both able to be rigorously honest with each other? Can you reveal things about yourselves that leave you emotionally vulnerable? I have found that as time passes, it is easy to be less and less honest with each other. It just happens slowly over time and before you know it, you don't know the other person well enough to share the most intimate details of your life.

When you hens......err women are all climbing on the support wagon, just remember there are always two sides to everything.......... and a whole lot of unknowns .......Just sayin.........

Yeah.. Huh uh! I don't care if the hen was a peckin' or whatever! No cock is going to talk that way without a lotta neck detachment in my chicken yard!

If there is another side that beats her side.. The marriage is very questionable. I don't need the other side to know he was wrong to act that way.