Hi Guys,

I'm super perturbed right now and wondering if I'm overreacting and I don't have anywhere else where I can target and question a group of people, specifically men, so maybe you can help me out.

My husband is driving me nuts. My pre-op diet starts tomorrow so for dinner, I picked a restaurant that has cream cheese wontons -- yum! My husband complained the WHOLE time. Literally from the second we drove up (and he saw a couple walking in -- he hoped the restaurant was closed for Easter), to when we were walking back to the car and he complained that he felt sick.

Then we went to WalMart because I wanted to look at a Magic Bullet. Again, he complained the WHOLE time. The fact that we were at WalMart at all, then when I did a horrible thing by picking up a bottle of lotion, then when we got to the checkout and he was annoyed there was a line, then he was annoyed at how his items were bagged (HIS packs of socks and boxers) so he asked me if the worker was a "f***ing retard" and all the way out the door he complained.

Once in the car, I explained to him that he kind of made me feel bad. Was dinner and Walmart really that horrible for you, dear? I spent the day with my beloved grandmother in the ER, I have this preop diet starting, I'm nervous about surgery... can you just suck it up and suffer through a couple hours with me??

He believes there is no issue with his attitude -- the issue is with me for having a problem with his perfectly normal and fine attitude. And to top it off, he wants a blowie!! Wtf?! Am I being crazy, or is he being an ass??

Lmao hens...I feel like I'm still a chick

When you hens......err women are all climbing on the support wagon, just remember there are always two sides to everything.......... and a whole lot of unknowns .......Just sayin.........

Dude............. :ph34r:

Mars <-------------> Venus

I am very open with my husband. When he says something that hurts my feelings, I don't lash out at him -- I calmly tell him how I feel. I'm very open and honest with him. Knowing that lack of communication is one of the most common issues in a relationship, I've always made an extra effort to make sure I'm communicating effectively.

My husband is a very angry person. I think he genuinely tries to not get angry at me, but he still gets mean. He'll often times say something mean, hurt my feelings, then apologize later. I've tried to express my wish that he would think before he speaks without trying to sound motherly. There are other issues, too. The biggest one being that -- although he says he wants to be married -- it's apparent that he wants to have the freedoms of being single, which would be fine... IF HE WASN'T MARRIED! We own our home, have a house-full of pets, and have typical responsibilities like laundry, dishes and generally cleaning up after ourselves. We both work full time and don't feel like one person should be responsible for any one thing (like we both do laundry, both do dishes, etc.) About two years ago, he started playing a ridiculously nerdy card game, and it has taken over his life. He would rather play his game than take care of any of his adult responsibilities, and it is very disheartening to me that he will set time aside specifically for playing his card game, but I'm not worthy of the same attention. So that, combined with whatever time I do get with him (and this time is 95% angry/grumpy/MEAN husband) leaves me very detached. As much as I make an effort to communicate and be open, I can't help but start to try and guard myself from more frustration and feelings of rejection.

My mom and grandmother are very supportive in whatever I decide to do and I've discussed some of my ideas and concerns with them. After 8 years together, I feel like the next step in our marriage is to start a family. At this point, I would definitely not want to start a family. However, the idea has been thrown around that it might cause him to grow up, man up, and act like a grown man with a family, a house, and responsibilities. But if that plan were to not work out, I'd be in the same unhappy boat... with a kid. No thank you. We'll just wait and see how things turn out. Today has been pretty good so far...

When you hens......err women are all climbing on the support wagon' date=' just remember there are always two sides to everything.......... and a whole lot of unknowns .......Just sayin..........[/quote']

I think someone just needs attention...

My bf and I both play games..I don't play as much as I used to right now so it pisses me off when he comes home from work and goes straight to the computer. Also since I'm on ssi and stay at home he thinks I should do all the house work..we aren't married and I'm not his mother. It isn't my job to pick up after him..grinds my gears...kinda feels like we are married at this point lol. So I feel for you..

SR' date=' you can go to counseling without him. You may just find out that you are responsible for your own happiness. When you make a list of your ideal marriage, know that you are making a list of your future resentments. There is no ideal marriage. Anybody who tells you there is, they are blowing smoke up your skirt. You are responsible for your own life, happiness and well being. If your husband wants to participate in this, great. Fabulous. Same thing in reverse. You are not responsible for his happiness. How intimate would you say your personal lives are? Are you both able to be rigorously honest with each other? Can you reveal things about yourselves that leave you emotionally vulnerable? I have found that as time passes, it is easy to be less and less honest with each other. It just happens slowly over time and before you know it, you don't know the other person well enough to share the most intimate details of your life.[/quote']

I know it's unrealistic to expect him to abide by all my "ideal husband" characteristics. However... I'm not asking for much. My list includes very simple things that he should do anyway, like greet me when he gets home. Acknowledge my presence... I'm not asking to be treated like a queen, just like a person!

I just re-read my post from your quote and realized what I wanted to say at the end was, " ... and before you know it, you don't know the other person well enough to share the most basic details of your life."

Meaning you barely acknowledge the other person's existence. We get so comfortable that we get too comfortable. There may be something going on in his life and he just doesn't feel he can share this with you. Here you are doing something great in your life and he is left behind in his same old rut. Grant you, he is not handling it well, but not everyone does.

How about having him read this thread? It would be a great ice breaker for starting a conversation you two obviously need to have if this marriage is to survive, assuming you want it to.

I think he either has depression issues, anxiety issues or both at the same time ( which is common). He needs to realize the problem starts with him. He can choose to react to life either with love and compassion or with a permanent chip on his shoulder where he feels the world owes him. It is going to take something that will break him to realize his reaction to the world is only hurting himself. I was a bit like him for a while in my life. It is fixable, but there isn't much you can do directly.

I have zero patients for that type of attitude. First of all, if he had a problem with where you all had dinner the adult thing to do is say something along the lines of "You know what, that sounds really unappealing to me, can we talk about some other choices"

Also, this is just a personal hang up but I cannot STAND a person who apparently thinks they are better than the service people they come into contact with. I was a cashier for years while I was in school and its a hard job and you will never please everyone.

I equally can't really stand WalMart. The only reason we went was for the Magic Bullet because we hadn't made it to costco before they closed. Also' date=' I asked if he wanted to go (it was on the way home) and he answered "Sure."

I would have much rather he just said, "Eh, I'd prefer not to go to WalMart.."[/quote']

I don't think he response has anything to do with Walmart. But you know this already.

I know it's unrealistic to expect him to abide by all my "ideal husband" characteristics. However... I'm not asking for much. My list includes very simple things that he should do anyway' date=' like greet me when he gets home. Acknowledge my presence... I'm not asking to be treated like a queen, just like a person![/quote']

Why not expect to be treated like a princess? I think that is default after getting married. My MIL made that clear.

Why not expect to be treated like a princess? I think that is default after getting married. My MIL made that clear.

I agree with you Fiddleman it's shameless how good my husband is to me! I married a good and kind man. After many years of always falling for the bad boy a*****e type!

Well as was mentioned a few posts ago, while this doesn't sound good for the husband it really is just one side of the story. I've been married 21 years, been through years of marriage and personal counseling. And after all of that I realized that one significant factor is that men can have some very child like behaviors when scared or nervous (notice I did not say childish behaviors). And women can read things into situations when they are much more simple for men. Not saying at all that this is the case, just that perspective and benefit of the doubt might be worth a thought.

Men often times, and even more so without good role models/examples like a strong father figure, don't know how to react to the fear and uncertainty when something like this surgery is happening to their wife. If they have no understanding how to cope, articulate or someone to share it with it gets bottled up. Eventually it works its way out in less than healthy ways. Couple that with someone having their own anxieties and nerves about the upcoming procedure and its sure to become exactly what the OP described.

Maybe the guy is a total asswad, maybe he's frightened out of his mind and because of specifics in his life has no way to know how to deal with it?

And to the person commenting about Walmart and having been a cashier, I don't know the OP's feelings on Walmart but I hate the place with a passion and will not go even if a life depending on it. Has nothing to do at all with viewing "service industry" differently. I was in the grocery business for 22 years before going back to school and getting a degree and a new career. Started at 15 as a box boy and progressed through nearly every position in the store, spending my last 15 years as a grocery store meat manager and ultimately meat buyer at the DC. It was impossibly difficult customers that pushed me to go back to school and get out of that industry. But my issue with Walmart has more to do with it being crowded, dirty (the one nearest me your shoes stick to the floors to the point you can step out of your shoe without intending to), The combination of Walmart smell plus the McDonalds inside combine to make an intolerable odor. And I can't shop there without at least 5 people asking me for "gas money" every time I walk across the parking lot. I'm at a point in my life where I can shop wherever I want and would rather spend more for a pleasing experience than subject myself to that to save a little.

I don't like WalMart either, but I wanted the magic bullet for my preop diet, darn it! And my husband is an assistant store director at a large grocery chain...

I told him that I had been reading threads on here (I didn't tell him about this one, though -- I think he'd be pissed!) and I tried to get him to open up about his feelings on me being sleeved... Low and behold, he's afraid I'm going to lose some pounds, gain some self confidence, attract attention from other men, and leave him. I told him that was not my goal in having this surgery -- I just want to get healthy and feel better about myself -- not find a new man.

For the married folks... can you imagine dating again?! I would be sooo awkward... so anyway, we're working on things. I'm still getting sleeved and I'm still going to lose a few pounds and feel better about myself... but if my marriage ends, I'm adopting a bunch of cats and staying single!