My friend keeps calling me a "Cheater"

[lilstyler 19]

Thank you' date=' I keep thinking jealousy is possibly the thing here too, but why? She's done most of hers on her own. She's seen me struggle FOR 7 YEARS! What's there to be jealous of? Sheesh, I just don't get it!

why you ask... she is afraid that you will succeed and surpass her on this weight loss journey.. as long as you keep struggling and supporting her while she is loosing, she will be happy but the relationship will change and she knows it .. you will surpass her and that is what she is afraid of. Just a thought .. just saying.[/quote']

I think you're completely correct...as soon as I told her she said "Crap I guess I have to break out the treadmill again or you'll be skinnier than me faster since you're doing it the faster & easier way". I just laughed and said "Honey you've never been close to my weight and you never will be. I promise you surgery and being fat for 7 years compared to 2 1/2 is nowhere close to being "faster & easier"' It's weird because one day she says she so worried I'm having surgery and then the next it's things like this. Whatever, I don't have time for this. My husband has never really liked her, but her kid is like a daughter to us. I just told him this morning about what she's been saying. He wasn't shocked at all and said "That's exactly why I can't stand her. She's rude and jealous and we are only supposed to Celebrate how beautiful and talented her daughter is and how wonderful she is, but honey, never ever does she congratulate us. She's not a friend." I need to listen to his wise words more often ????

[Ms skinniness 3,003]

I think you're completely correct...as soon as I told her she said "Crap I guess I have to break out the treadmill again or you'll be skinnier than me faster since you're doing it the faster & easier way". I just laughed and said "Honey you've never been close to my weight and you never will be. I promise you surgery and being fat for 7 years compared to 2 1/2 is nowhere close to being "faster & easier"' It's weird because one day she says she so worried I'm having surgery and then the next it's things like this. Whatever, I don't have time for this. My husband has never really liked her, but her kid is like a daughter to us. I just told him this morning about what she's been saying. He wasn't shocked at all and said "That's exactly why I can't stand her. She's rude and jealous and we are only supposed to Celebrate how beautiful and talented her daughter is and how wonderful she is, but honey, never ever does she congratulate us. She's not a friend." I need to listen to his wise words more often

OMG! this is totally my SIL and BIL......I kicked them to the curb really fast when I realized it wasn't me and that I had done everything I could to have a relationship with the, did you notice I didn't put loving in there? Yep time to kick her to the curb, maybe she can say hello to my SIL and BIL there..... LOL

[Mini Me Wanna~Be 56]

O.T.R. sleever ~ Those are some good idea's, I had not thought of using things like those for examples. I will for sure remember your words :} I'm glad your here to help

[mbyers66 3]

If she has lost more then you....she probably feels superior. You will take that away from her. My son in law says that to me...I tell him I wish it was as easy as you are making it out to be...all of my appointments and the journaling and exercising when the time comes the liquid diet I really don't know how many of us have worked this hard for something...I know for me it is one of the toughest things I've ever done!! BE STRONG!

[LanaMae 24]

My surgeon said only 1 out of 20 people are able to lose weight and keep it off without a "tool." I've been struggling with my weight since high school (I'm 36 and just starting the process) and that statement stuck with me. Keep youself surrounded by positive people and keep your eyes on the prize! Best of luck!!!

[Macy6 356]

This is only my second post ever on this forum, but I had to reply to this. She isn't being a friend when she treats you this way. I was honestly terrified to tell my best friend that I was considering WLS because she has made remarks about people doing it in the past. I knew I had to tell her, because she does the billing for my bariatric surgeon haha and I didn't want her finding out when my account hit her desk. I was pleasantly surprised and shocked. She put aside her own feelings and has been incredibly positive and supportive, she has called me with information she has found out, calls when there are extra seminars I might be interested in, promised to sit by my bed when I am in the hospital and bring me ice chips. It is unfortunate your friend is feeling the way she is, if it makes it easier then write her a letter and let her know how badly it hurts you. It isn't fair for her to treat you this way. Good Luck on your big day! Don't let her, or anyone bring you down!

[hurley911 59]

Jea-Lous!!

[NurseGrace 509]

Life Pro Tip: this woman is NOT your friend do yourself a favor and shake her loose NOW.

I know what this is like. I had a very good friend for QUITE some time but there were issues in the relationship that were easy to overlook. These issues were brought to the forefront when I told her I was having surgery. She let her true colors show just a little bit too much.

If that is what she is calling you to her face, and she as other people in on the act what do you think she says about you when you are not around?

shake her loose. Let her go. She MIGHT feel like you are cheating, she also might just be jealous the reasons do not matter.

[MichiganChic 3,262]

Thank you all for your every wise words. I guess you just have to know the type of person she is, that's why I'm trying so hard not to let this bother me. She's hard to explain. She's the type of person everyone sees as being very sweet and having it together. But she talks about people right in front of them where the people don't realize she's talking about them. I know she does it to me, so even though we are "close" as far as we see each other a lot, I really don't let her in for those reasons right there. She is very witty and sometimes extremely rude but people just don't hear it. I do. I know what she's doing. So, I guess all of this should not bother me, but it does and I guess I'm going to have to pull away. She doesn't just act like this with this issue, it's kind of everything. She's the person that brings all the white elephants in the room to light. I can't be around someone that's trying to bring everyone down all the time. I really think it's to make herself feel better about her own insecurities. It just makes me sad...

What you are describing here sounds much more toxic than I interpreted in your originial post. You've identified her behavior is like this about many things, and that you see through her boorish behavior. You've also identified what you will do, which is pull away from her. We can only make choices for ourselves, and it sounds like you are making the best one in this circumstance. Right now, this issue (surgery) is all about YOU, and people who can't recognize that have no place in the equation. None of us need negativity and distraction. You sound grounded, and I'm willing to bet you are going to do great, with or without her. Good luck to you as you navigae through this issue, and with your impending surgery!

[*Dean* 1,594]

Friendships, especially close long ones can be complicated.

If she's being eaten up with jealousy and is saying these things, you're the only one who can call if the friendship is worth working on. For me, I'd confront her about it and tell her how much it's upsetting you in your own words.

Having said that, you said she's lost half her weight? You are going to steam roll past her in a matter of a hand full of weeks. Once you're feeling great you won't be so phased by what she has to say, if she's still saying it.

You'll be like - "This skinny cheating thing tastes as good as a cookie, do you want a cookie??"

[Stef 264]

1. She's jealous.

2. She's being a shitty "friend."

3. You need support and encouragement. If she's not on board, cut that anchor loose.

Some people need to be kicked to the curb. This woman and her daughter sound like those kind of people.

[Evolving 973]

Well' date=' 4 days down, 3 to go! My date is March 7th and I couldn't be happier. The only thing on my mind that is bothering me has nothing to do with the surgery...

So my friend and I have been trying to lose our extra weight for some years now after our children. I have been trying with no luck at all for nearly 7 years. She has been trying and has lost about half of what she needs to for about 2 1/2 years. The difference is I have done this before, with my first child I dropped the excess within the first 3-4 yrs. I was 20 years old for goodness sake. My kids are 8 1/2 yrs apart. I had my youngest at 28, nearly 10 years after the first. I'll turn 35 on March 6, the day before my surgery. Things are not the same this time. Everything I did the first time is NOT working. Trust me, I have ALL the willpower in the world and motivation. My weight is literally on my mind 24/7! This time I have Hypothyroidism, PCOS, Metabolic Syndrome & I'm Pre-Diabetic! She has NONE of these and I had none the first time.

About two years ago I had looked into LapBand, she was onboard, even emailed me pics of people she knew of before & afters. She once even told me she was doing this even if she had to gain extra weight! I didn't get LapBand, which now I know was a blessing, and neither did she. Since then she has lost quite a bit of her weight on her own.

The point I'm getting at is now since I have decided to do this, she keeps calling me a CHEATER. The first time she said it I couldn't believe it. But now she even has her daughter, which is my dd's best friend, calling me that too. I just feel irritated and like a failure before I even get started. This weekend while on my pre-op diet, she saw how tough it's going to be and I thought "Ok, maybe she's going to see how tough it is and stop?" No, now she's telling me this isn't worth it, that she likes food too much and am I sure I know what this entails. She also proceeds to tell me what yummy food they're eating out as she knows I'm sipping my broth! She's the ink one giving me this kind of grief, yet she's one of the people I'm closest to.

I guess I just needed to write this down to get it out of my head and maybe now I can let it go. Thank you to everyone for all the support on this forum. You guys/gals have helped me so much and I am very excited for all of our lives to be changed for the better![/quote']

One of my classmates said:( she had bypass years ago)-- it is easier.. And why is that wrong --? If u need to move a chair ud use both hands not a pinky--- I've always personally thought it was an easier way out-- was sleeved the 25 th-- still think that so far---- but so what--- nay exurbia a but quicker or easier why choose to do something the hard way??? Be string sorry your friend isn't supportive u know who I are and are courageous stay strong!!!!!!

Sent from my iPhone using VST

[JerseyGirlJodi 16]

1. She's jealous.

2. She's being a shitty "friend."

3. You need support and encouragement. If she's not on board, cut that anchor loose.

I totally agree with this. It was EXACTLY what I was going to say!!

[JerseyGirlJodi 16]

Sorry. Double-post.

[lilstyler 19]

*WARNING: LONG POST!*

Well, I finally had enough! Here's how the conversation went, we haven't spoken or texted for a week. We used to speak everyday. It's not good between our girls either, which were best friends before I told them about my surgery.

Her: When can you start working out with me?

Me: I started walking this last week an my calves are screaming already, lol

Went and had a body scrub, a facial & a massage today for my first 25 lbs gone. I had like $215 in GC's to use so i was like heck yeah! I'm like sore jell-o!

Her: Oh Im looking forward to making you runnnn as punishment for cheating and turning me down for bootcamp all year!!

(Side note: I would NOT go to The bootcamp SHE goes to because she's so judgmental)

Me: Cheating? Screw that, this was definitely not cheating!

Her: It definitely wasnt waking up every morning at 5 to lose 25 pounds in 8 months either. Im just messing with you, I know surgery was hard. (Complete sarcasm)

Me: Ok

(Then I thought on it for a few minutes and started fuming!)

Me again: Ok last I'm hearing of that cuz I love ya and we are in two totally different places. I've been working just as hard for 7 damn years. It's not like it was when I lost it the first time. I've done bootcamp long before you and I were friends. Just because I wasn't at bootcamp with you doesn't mean I wasn't working on my own. There I'm so done with the cheating comments! We can be friends again ????

Her: K

(She's pissed, lol)

Her again: Im pretty sure I haven't overloaded you with cheating comments though so not sure where that came from?

Her again: I've actually tried to avoid them even as jokes.

Me: Because I've heard it about all I can and even your daughter calls me a cheater.

Her: My kid is a turd. And sorry, didn't realize my few joking comments were that extreme. My apologies.

Me: ok (I'm literally shaking, I'm so pissed)

Her: Maybe we are too different to be bff's? I dont know. Makes me sad to hurt your feelings.

I didn't mean to.

Me: This was a huge decision and I was embarrassed enough to even tell people. Now nearly everyone I know knows and I can face the looks and the judgments just fine, but when it comes to my closest friends, which I consider you it hurts a lot worse then. I'm not angry, just a little irritated that I was hoping for more support than being labeled a freaking cheater.

Me again: Maybe so

Her: I am not labeling you, I swear. Honestly you know me well, if I really thought you were a cheater I wouldn't say anything at all. I thought I have been supportive, going well out of my comfort zone and being made fun of for being "nice" to be supportive of you.

Me: You're being made fun of? From the card? I certainly didn't "make fun of you" at all I was genuinely surprised and so appreciative for that because I DO know that's hard for you.

Her: Ok surprised then. Sorry for any hurt feelings, not my intention. (She's irritated)

Me: That's why I was do shocked because you & "child" had just called me a cheater the first time like just a few days beforehand! I thought ok maybe she's getting this is hard for me and I'm embarrassed! When you're a jokester "Friend", people are going to be surprised when you do something out of the ordinary! No one made fun at all, it was really nice and a totally different side of you to see that's all.

Her: Of course I get it, and if me & "child" weren't close friends I would never have called you a cheater. It is just how we are, I dont know. She and I never told "friend who had DS" she was a cheater only behind her back lol and I haven't said one word to anyone about you at all, never have never will. Again, we are just different I guess. Maybe too much so but I'd hate that. making me cry at work

Me: Well I'm definitely sorry for that then...I didn't mean to hurt your feelings by being surprised by the card at all, I didn't even tell you that until you told me about your sister & "child" Being shocked that you gave it to me. Sounds like we need a group hug! Lol

Me again: I'm sorry girl, I was just like ok if I hear it one more time I'm gonna get super pissed so I better go ahead and say it over text now and get it over with. You know I don't mind being made fun of, it's totally fine. But this is a LOT different. I already have in my head that I'm a cheater and a failure that I couldn't get this off for SEVEN FREAKING YEARS! And also that no one really knows how hard I've tried and that being "the fat girl" is NOT who I am. I'm not myself at all anymore. It's literally all I think about 24/7. That's not a life. So, I did something about it and that's it. Regardless of how, I'm still going to be proud whether I "cheated" or not. I guess that's what threw me off is I knew you thought that about "friend who had DS" and here I am now lumped in HER group. Not cool. Don't cry, I'm sorry. Next time I won't say a word, last thing I want is for you to be upset because my poor baby feelings were hurt.

Her: Well you thought that about "friend who had DS" right along with me until you were left with no choice for yourself and Ive never lumped you in her group because she admittedly did nothing before or after to help herself. I'd rather you get it off your chest so I know.

Her again: won't be said again.

Me: I didn't think she was a "cheater". She admittedly is eating whataburger and all types of fried foods and hasn't even tried to exercise! But it's HER life! But her surgery is completely different from mine and I didn't eat like her before so I won't be eating like her now and won't be afterwords.

Her: I got onto "child" for hurting your feelings and she said she wouldn't say it anymore. She is too much like me in some ways, not always the good ways! Group jug next time we are all together.

Me: Well she's gonna be pissy at me now! Lol, alright so all is good and we're fine? Thanks for hearing me out. S*@$ doesn't ever really bother me but for some reason that just hit a nerve :/ My grandpa saw me eating about 2oz of Soup the other day, and says "I thought we just paid to make you stop doing that" I waited for him to laugh...he didn't. Crap like that I'm going to have to deal with.

Her: I guess we're fine til I mess up again

(This is her way of blaming me I guess?)

Me: You didn't mess up. We all say crap that hurts people's feelings. I know I do. I just thought I'd tell you or wouldn't know that that struck a nerve. As much as I tried not to let it bother me. I'm not the one that said we shouldn't be friends missy!!!

Me again: Girl, I don't have a friend that's close that I haven't had an argument with. If anything it makes you closer because you don't have a fake superficial friendship. You know more about me than most because I'm over letting people get close to me for purposes other than being a friend. People are generally nice on the surface but many use you. Arguments are completely natural. You just have to decide if the person you're arguing with is worth it?

And that's it, no response, no screw you, no nothing. Guess a 7 year friendship is over. It's bitterweet. I know she can be toxic. I have even spoken to her sister who's a friend of mine. She basically said she's bitter and doesn't know how to be happy for others because she's miserable. That's it in a nutshell. Thanks for listening! My husband can only listen to me ramble on about this so much! LOL