Ok im crying again drowning in total self pitty :think

I was banded in May 2005 my weight was on day of op 17 stone 5 lb. I had reduced my weight from 18 stone 5 lb on a pre op liver shrinking diet of 800cals a day for 4 week's. The actual operation was a walk in the park for me they took me to the theater at 9.30am and i was out of bed washed and dressed by 1pm. I was home 7.30am the next day potting plant's and doing light gardening feeling great. Having my band was a easier operation than having my wisdome teeth out.

Well i have a very speedy idilyc recovery but begin to regain weight. By the time i have my first fill at 18 weeks post op i am back up to 17 stone 12 lb. My First fill was blind and i had 4 mills i have zero restriction so i go back 4 weeks to the date later and have another 2 1/2 mill's. This time i am tight tighter than tight and i can't drink it hurts. I emailed my fill provider but he was on holiday (vacation) by the time he get's back i have asperational pnumonia and i am very poorly. I didn't know he was on holiday and i must have emailed him 2 or 3 times i guess coming back off holiday to my winging emails annoyed his wife so she emailed me back saying the infection was not related to my band and her husband could not surgically remove pnumonia. I did ask if the infection was band related but i never for one moment think it could be band related i was worried and didn't know if it was a band related problem or what? Well three months and 2 lots of antibiotics later i am no better. I was very low and depressed by now i had sufferd all threw christmas and i was told by my family Dr i needed my band unfilled while i took time out to recover. so again and worried i emailed my fill provider and asked again for a unfill. I recived a nice reply back from his wife saying she was sorry for her comments and she explained she was tired due to just returning off holiday. So she made me a appointment for a unfill and the surgion was lovely he was a little concerd about my health and told me to return in a month.

But out of the Blue my local health Authority phoned me telling me to travel to a specialist for a second opinion. I had wrote to them before christmas when my pnumonia was at its worst asking what should i do well because of the responce from the fill providers wife if it wasn't band related what was it?. So anyway it turns out it was totally band related and down to being over filled i was much better now as i had gone back and had it unfilled and from that day i began to recover.

Its february now 2006 and i am almost 1 year post op the new surgion wants to x ray my band as he didn't fit it and wanted to be sure there was no slippage or anything. the x rays reveal my band is in a good position apart from me needing a fill so he filled me 2 mill's aparently i still had 2 mill's in so i am back to four mill's. I must admit being a year out and having only lost a grand total of 7 or 8lb's i was fed up. I asked the surgion would he revise my band to a bypass and he said its not that easy and he felt we should try a bit longer with the band so see if we can optimise weight loss. So off i go and back again 4 weeks later a few lb weight loss weight loss, so off i go and im back 3 months later its October now and i am gutted my weight is still at 16 stone 2lb actually a slight regain on the previous visit its a 200mile drive each way each visit all for a offical weigh in and a dissapointing 25 min consultation. I was told to go back after Christmas 9th Jan 2007.

But iv had enough iv had nothing but problems i can't keep any solid food down at all i vomit everything solid. I am forsed to consume food that i can eat rather than should eat. I suffer from constant heartburn (reflux) its horrendus it feels like i have a baby elephant sat on my chest i feel short of breath and it's just uncomfortable. The motional impact of not loseing weight at almost 2 years out or should i say any kind of sygnificant weight to improve my quality of life or even impact on my comorbidtys is heartbreaking. I have socially withdrown had a recent complete breakdown resulting in a serious attempt to end my life. I took a overdose of citilopram and washed them down with alchohol i cut my wrist repetedly and went to sleep. My husband rushed me to hospital the next day when he found me in a state and he was unable to wake me.

For the past 2 or three weeks my depression has nose dived i didn'tintend to harm myself i can't remember much of it or even why i did it i just felt i couldnt see a way of changing my situation and life as it is was not worth living. I am tremendusly fed up with my band. No matter how hard i struggle to get my head around it and adjust to i can't. I am constantly hungry i was told the band would make me feel full and i would feel the need to stop eating sooner. That just does not happen i feel my restriction but i do not feel full or satisfied i am hungry and if i eat anything solid it comes streght back up. I can't make the healthy options beacuse the band wont have them some days the egg's go's down other days it does not.

I have began to hate myself more than ever because i am not making the correct adjustments to lose weight and i only had this band fitted to lose weight. I wanted better mobility i was told the band would cure me of my reflux problem and weight loss would improve my stress incontinents. None of this has happened and while the band is in a good position and would seem to be working fine i am not. I can't handle this constant hunger and the diet is horrendus the vomiting is horrendus i know the vomiting is because i have eaten too much but even with one bite of food im vomiting no matter how much i chew. Infact sometimes its not even a vomit if i bend over it simply just falls out of my mouth as if it has gone no further than my tonsills.

The poor diet leaves me feeling lathorgic and my hair is limp and falling out. My scalp is dry and ichy and my skin is spotty and dry. chocolate crisp and rubbish go down fine sloppy food like lasgna mashed potatoes go down fine but there high carb hens no weight loss. Im begining to think im losing my own mind that the vomiting is more psycoligical than a actual banding problem. Eather way it all rounds up to im not coping and suiside right now seems like a better option than the life i am living because the i have no quality of life and the longer it go's on the more fed up i am getting the deeper into dispare i am.

tomorrow i have a psyciatrist appointment iv been getting regular help since my overdose 3 weeks ago. I almost cant wait to see the shrink because i am constantly thinking of death as a way out and im having horrendus urges to but myself again. this is so knew to me i have never wanted to cut myself before. I am worried i might do myself some real harm while not really meaning to do it. I am resisting the urges but the more i dwell on my weight the more i think of self harm. and its not like i can stop thinking about it and forget weight loss for a while because the weight impacts so much on my daily life it just seems there is no escape, and now i have taken a over dose i am so worried and frustrated with myself that i will now be considerd too unstable for a bypass when at the end of the day all's i want is to lose weight and start to enjoy life. it seems ironic i am fighting to improve mylife so i can get a better quality of life but the actual fight is leaving me wishing i was dead. :think

i know me me me its all about me poor old me pitty me im fed up of hearing myself winge so god knows how those around me feel.

Firstly, I am so sorry to hear of the tremendous struggles you are going through. I just wanted to write and say that you have every reason to have hope! The beauty of the band is that it's adjustable and removable should someone have problems. If you want your band taken out, then no doctor should be able to tell you that you can't do that. It is your body and your life and you must take a stand and demand that they remove it if it is not working for you. However, it sounds as though you've only had one unfill this entire time, and have not really had the opportunity to properly adjust the band. If the band were properly adjusted, there's a good chance it could work for you.

Can you find a fill provider closer to where you live? Sometimes it takes alot of fills and unfills to find the sweet spot. One unfill and then one re-fill is not enough to adjust it the right point for you.

Please don't give up. If all else fails, the band can be removed and you can persue other weight loss options. Seeking therapy will help you alot too.

We're all here for you!

You need to get to the psychiatrist ASAP. If he/she will not see you, go through the emergency room and tell them you are fighting feelings of wanting to commit suicide.

It sounds like your band needs to be completely unfilled so that you can heal your esophagus. The focus now should not be on weight loss but on your emotional health and well being. Please make the call and get help now.

I have had four fill's and 2 unfill's and i currently have 2 1/2 mills in my 9 mill sweedish band. From day one i have never been able to get the balance right Initally i didn't get restriction then restriction was too much some out a tad more in a bit out and now i have restriction at 2 1/2 mills dispite me not being able to get restritction before with four mill's in.

My BMI has come down from 47 to 45 but i haven't lost enough weight for my body to see or feel any of the benfafits and emotionally i am worse then ever before.

I now just want it out at least before my band the healthy food was always a option now its not in fact no food is my option it seems to be at the sole discression of will my band have this today or wont it? majority it wont.

I don't want to change Surgions because despite the long jurnery the surgeon i do have a surgeon with excellent experience and i am being treated in the UK private sector and my treatment is funded by the NHS if i was to be in a NHS hospital appointments could be upto 11 months apart. its just dissapointing traveling all that way to be weighed and not to have lose anything.

I am so mixed up if i have it out i will at least be able to chose a healther diet but the chances of me loseing weight on my own are ziltch, and i had WLS to lose weight in the UK we are funded and its not our choice some surgeons do give surgical choices my origional banding surgion didnt the one i have now does only his hands are tied because he has to prove to the NHS who pay him that we have tried and exausted everything before they will consider paying for more surgery even having it out. So i have reached the end of my tether perhaps before we have tried everything and thats were i am beating myself up. Unless you have actually had difficultes with the band i guess its hard to understand were i am coming from. and people say try this try that and iv tried them and again its not up to me its this band it desides what i can and cant have.

I trully hate it now

Muggle big huggs. I see you have an appointment tomorrow with the therapist and that is excellent. If you can, call them today and tell them about your anxiety and if they are not away of the overdose 3 wks ago, please let them know. LBT is here for support so anytime you don't know what to do someone is here with a listening ear. No one person has all the answers. If we did we wouldn't be here on this boad looking for support.

Muggle you are not alone in your thoughts. Weight problems can be hard to deal with. Muggle love yourself as so many others do, if you can't find the love in yourself, let us tell you. I love you, your husband loves you and we want to hear about your appointment tomorrow. Have a blessed evening.

You need to get to the psychiatrist ASAP. If he/she will not see you, go through the emergency room and tell them you are fighting feelings of wanting to commit suicide.

It sounds like your band needs to be completely unfilled so that you can heal your esophagus. The focus now should not be on weight loss but on your emotional health and well being. Please make the call and get help now.

See this is my horrendus battle!! Yes my mental health is now the prioroty and i do have the appointment tomorrow with the psyciatrist. I am under a 24 hour emargancy home team and my husband is now supervising my medication that has been changed from citilopram to mirtazapine,

I had WLS to lose weight not to become emotionally unstable and im only feeling such feelings of self hate because i have been unable to lose weight. So we forget about loseing weight how am i supposed to feel better about myself and still live this restricted lifestyle while trying to deal with the emotional issue that only now a issue because i am failing to lose weight. Its a visious circle!!!

I never go out because my mobility is poor i suffer panic attacks and sever anxiety and paranoia. I suffer everything that being over weight can socially throw at you its affecting my lose life with my husband, I cant find clothes that are fashioable and age appropreate the only clothes available for me that are not specialised and expencive are frumpy again adding to my low self esteem.

Really i cant cope with this just thinking about living like this even thinking leaves me feeling distressed. and to suggest i forget about loseing weight and improving my quality of life just seems like a cruel punishment.

I did not suggest you will never lose weight, just that losing weight now is not a priority. You stated you are depressed, suicidal, have panic attacks, and can't keep solid proteins down as they cause you to vomit which leads to inflammation of the esophagus.

Perhaps once the mental health professionals have you on the appropriate medications for your depression and panic attacks, you'll begin to feel less despair and better able to deal with the problems associated with the band. I truly hope you get the help you need. While I am sure your long history of complications with the band has contributed to your present state of mind, your postings suggest the mental/emotional issues were present to some degree prior to banding as well.

Good luck at the psychiatrist.

My mental health problems is only due to these problems i am having with my band i think serious now having the band out will much improve my mental health? I really can't see how the band problems will improve when my mental health problems and depresion is sorted as these problems were present before my depression and i am only depressed as a result of these problems.

I just think its hard for other bandsters to hear as the reality of problems means accepting a flaw with the band and too many bandsters are not prepared to acceccpt the band does come with some associated problems.

Muggle- print what you wrote. Take it with you to your docs. It is hard to articulate when you feel like this but you captured it here. Now the others in your life need to know.

Good luck, this IS fixable. I promise.

Can i just add its not been a simple case of having a band for 19 months and not having any sucess. I was on a waiting list and was under a specialist weight managemnt clinic for 2 1/2 years prior to having this band so all in all its been almost 5 years of constant struggle and real effort. I didnt just decide to have WLS chose the band and its not worked i really have tried both pre op and while having my band and believe me giving in has been the hardest decision of all i feel some what grief stricken. But the complications and discomfort and vomiting and everything along with no weight loss just isnt worth it.

My mental health problems is only due to these problems i am having with my band i think serious now having the band out will much improve my mental health? I really can't see how the band problems will improve when my mental health problems and depresion is sorted as these problems were present before my depression and i am only depressed as a result of these problems.

I just think its hard for other bandsters to hear as the reality of problems means accepting a flaw with the band and too many bandsters are not prepared to acceccpt the band does come with some associated problems.

I totally understand how all this can get you down. I am a slow loser, can't eat Breakfast or much lunch and then I can usually get dinner down but have tons of issues with meat. MEAT is what I need to get down and it seems lots of things go that are not so healthy. I am almost a year out and just went to my first support group. It was wonderful as there was a gal who has not lost much and wished she had not told her friends about it. She lives in a small nearby town and they all ask about the weight loss. There were men who had done excellent and could eat 3 small meals a day. None of us seem to be exactly the same. I have had like 5 fills and 5 partial unfills. I have had to be on an IV from leaving it too tight and trying to be strong. So it has not been as peachy as they tell you at seminar. IF I HAD TO DO IT ALL OVER I STILL WOULD AS I HAVE LOST.

One of my lap band sisters who was banded in TJ with me has not lost well and they can't figure out why. It will be one year real soon and she is 7 down. She tries to look at it that without the band she would be 20 up or so..............but it is still hard to deal with it. We were both self pays.

Out of the 4 banded last Nov. One has lost 40, I am getting close to 50 and one had hers unfilled completely and the last one is just not sure what to do since she is only down 7 in a year.

Hang in there. Better safe than sorry. Maybe you should have it unfilled and enjoy life a little and try to eat healthy. Maybe you can get healed up as REFLUX is not a good thing to suffer with. DR C will tell you better loose that too tight. Too tight creates slips, etc.

We are all thinking of you and you are not a whimp. You are terribly stressed with all the physical issues and that is why you feel "mental" about it all.

Kay in St Jo Mo

I trully wish i could enjoy life but i cant seem to be postive ok granted may be my depression has a lot to do with why i seem to down at the mo. But if i could enjoy life i would i cant walk i have cronic back pain my beasts are coverd in blisters and ulsers. I cant get clothes that are nice let alone make you feel or look good this just leaves me not wanting to go out any were when i do venture out im in agony trying to get around as my BMI is 45 it may not seem high but im only 4 ft 11 i am way over double what i should be and carrying the weight is horrendus.

Now along with the mobility problems if it was just a case of not loseing or slow loseing i think i could hang in but its not its constant hunger vomiting heart burn. and now feeling like this emotionally like i say its been a very very long jurnery and i have allready decided i want it out i could never ever promote a band and european surgions who have been doing this op for the longest are now actually stopping doing it full stop because it has the highest long term reoperation rate and a very high amount of numbers who fail to lose let alone reach the expected 50 to 60% weight loss.

Muggle...

I'm so sorry you have had such a rough time of it. I agree that you need to have your band unfilled ASAP. A complete unfill will relieve most of your symptoms and you will be able to eat normally again.

After you have the saline removed you can work on getting your band out, if that's what you want. As far as revising to bypass, be advised that the bypass has its own set of problems.

I agree with Carlene. Remove the saline, work on yourself (with psychiatrist), and go from there. You are terribly frustrated and depressed, as I would be. It's horrible when you try to get something you REALLY want/need and then let down once you get it!

Take care. Shawn

I am so so sorry for your complications, but I also thank you for posting..as well as everyone else. I am in the process of deciding which WLS I want to get, and after reading about the complications , and the fact that what you say is true..there really are quite a few surgeons who have quit doing the lap band due to the complications and not a high enough percentage of patients losing the weight they should. I will not get the lap band myself. I think , if you want my lowly opinion, that you should have a complete un-fill as well, wouldn't that feel the same as having it taken out all together? Then once you've healed , and eaten some healthy food , you'll feel more like yourself .It would be better for you to make a mistake and keep it in while you heal , you can always choose to take it out at another time ,but once you remove it , you can't change your mind . I do have to wonder why your dr.s wife is reading his e-mail, isn't there something about dr. patient confidentiality? Even if she's his secretary , she should not be dispensing medical advice to you! I would find a new doc. PRONTO , he can't be all that good if he lets his wife interfere with his patients like that, I also find it suspicous that she apologised to you AFTER you contacted someone, do you think it is a coincidence that they told you get another opinion? One more thing, I would not trust this dr to help you decide whether to keep it in or not, Due to the wife thing I have a feeling that he may be getting a visit/ call from whatever your version of the american medical assc. is (oversees dr.s ,acts on complaints, can suspend/revoke medical licenses, etc etc).

Sorry I meant to tell you that I will pray for you, try to keep your head up , I know that after wanting something so bad, you have certain expectations , and if it turns out not the way you think it should..well it can be crushing, I am pretty sure you have been a victim of poor advice /medical care from your dr. I'm sure your grateful to him for getting your surgery done without killing you , and feeling so good afterwards, but aftercare , fills, etc, are just as important, you should not have had to go through all you have, your dr. should of immedietly unfilled you when he heard of the vomiting etc, good grief!! If he was qualified to do the surgery he should know the symptoms of overfill!! Please keep your mental health appts. try try try to find a new doc. it would probably make all the difference . good luck and love to you.