Will my marriage survive WLS?

[JennyBeth 127]

In all of my research I've read repeatedly that good marriages are often stronger and poor marriages are often made worse following WLS. I have to admit that I'm very troubled by this. I have been married for 13 and a half years and our marriage has been rocky through the years.

A little bit of background info-My husband has been really struggling the past few years with a major depression/anxiety issues. He attributed most of it to his job that he felt "stuck" at. His employer sold the business and since he had no other options he decided to go to school to drive a truck. He did awesome and was starting to feel better, but when he went to leave for an over the road trucking company he realized he couldn't do it. He struggled with the thought of being away from our boys so much. He decided to look for local employment and sunk back into depression because he felt like he "failed". He was unemployed for a little over a year and finally started full-time employment in November. Through the years he has been trying to deal with his issues on his own, but now that it has gotten SO bad and now that he finally has health insurance he is seeking treatment and hopefully this helps him, but our relationship has suffered because of this. I also know he has a long road ahead of him to get him back to how he used to be. Sometimes I feel like I can't talk to him because he's already going through a lot and honestly sometimes I just don't want to because deep down I think I harbor anger over the fact that when he gets upset (which right now is often) he gets mean. It's kind of like walking on egg shells! We have not even had an intimate relationship in over 2 years due to his lack of interest because of his depression and my own insecurities regarding my weight.

My husband says he supports me (even though he admits he doesn't understand WLS because he has never struggled with his weight a day in his life), but I'm still scared. He went with me to the seminar and he has a better understanding of it now and says he agrees with my decision to have the sleeve. I am scared because feel like our relationship is fragile, but I also feel that this is my ONE chance to make my self healthy and for once I want to put myself first. Part of me thinks maybe this will improve our relationship because I know deep down my husband resents the fact that I have "let myself go" but then at other times I feel like I'm being selfish by focusing on myself when he is still suffering so much with his depression. He gets easily overwhelmed and I'm afraid he isn't going to be able to support me or help with our boys in the way that I'll need following surgery. I'm scared, but determined at the same time if that makes any sense. Am I being selfish?

[Huntingnurse 510]

No you need to do whats best for you and your health. Your health improving will make sure you're here for your boys further down the road too.

[dust 54]

id suggest counseling after surgery - both for you alone and for you and your husband together.

[No game 14,436]

I think you said it in the beginning of your post.. WLS does not make or break a marriage!

I'm sorry that you guys are having issues, But you need separate the two right now...

There will be time after the surgery to work on what's best for you and your husband.

Laura

[Spatters3 315]

JennyBeth: I have been married to a "difficult" man for almost 40 yrs. He is an ass - complains constantly, is terribly unhappy and depressed, is an alcoholic who hasn't touched a drink in over 15 yrs, is verbally abusive, is a hoarder, hasn't worked a full time job in over 30 yrs, but.... sometimes, not too often, but sometimes he is my rock and I love him. We've been married too long to not be. Gosh, my life sucks! hahahaha Actually, it doesn't. I find joy in my children and grandchildren and satisfaction in my job.

Getting the VSG is the first thing I have done for myself in many, many years and I am so glad I did. If you think he won't be there to support you after surgery and take care of the children, is there someone else you can count on to step in?

As far as his issues are concerned, you know that they are his issues and you can't fix him. I'm glad he is going for help for his depression - my husband refuses to admit that he even has any problems.

Good luck and God bless!

[Kelsan 117]

He should consider seeing a therapist to help him deal with his feelings. A good spouse needs to be there for you too and I think you should still go ahead with the surgery.

[annabelle 76]

Jennybeth your hubby is on his journey and you have cared and stood by him all along, but you and also on a journey to a better health and longer life, as dust said maybe you both can do counseling afterwards, this is your time so take it xx

[Tawnie 99]

Hi Jenny don't worry. My husband is treated for anxiety and depression. Treatment is by no means a cure. So no matter what will always suffer a bit. It is very hard to be in these relationships but fully agree with others. He owns it not you! Be happy for yourself and this great opportunity. If you break up them WLS is not the reason. My hubby supports my decision however felt it was not necessary. He did however marry me at a higher weight than today.

If you need someone to talk to. Reach out to me. I get all your options and emotions but have faith in you !!!

[PdxMan 4,292]

Why not start counseling right now? How well do you communicate? Are you rigorously honest in every aspect of your life?

Sometimes it takes courage to make the first move and do the behaviors you desire from your spouse. If you want them to communicate more about their feelings, then you need to start with doing it yourself. If there is unconditional love there, you will be fine.

It's like this. If you want backrubs, start giving backrubs.

*** EDIT ***

Has he had a physical lately? Had his testosterone levels checked?

[Nicolanz 1,484]

My husband fights depression, anxiety, and OCD. I understand your difficulty. I also understand his an am there for him no matter what. I love him. Our marriage is by no means perfect but its something we constantly work on. I try to encourage him to enjoy life and to do things that will make him happy.

What's he done for me? Well he's a great father to our children, a hard worker, and sometimes a great husband haha. He didn't support wls at all. But I did it anyway. There were times I didn't think we'd make it. Now that I'm healthier and happier, we both are happier together. Don't give up on him. Fight that battle when it comes, don't have it in your mind that your marriage will fail.

Good luck!

[JennyBeth 127]

Thank you! I appreciate the support! I've been scared to admit that this is what scares me the most regarding WLS. I know these are his issues and not mine. My husband is very apprehensive about counseling (even though we both could benefit) but I know once he sees the psychiatrist and has the evaluation they will require him to see someone. Deep down I also know that WLS is not going to make or break our marriage, I guess it just feels strange to put myself first for once. Either way I'll be healthier no matter what happens because I KNOW I deserve it! Thank you for being my sounding board. I don't really talk much about my feelings to anyone and it feels safe to post it here-especially given the fact I have only told my husband, mom and an unsupportive co-worker about the sleeve!

[JennyBeth 127]

Why not start counseling right now? How well do you communicate? Are you rigorously honest in every aspect of your life?

Sometimes it takes courage to make the first move and do the behaviors you desire from your spouse. If you want them to communicate more about their feelings' date=' then you need to start with doing it yourself. If there is unconditional love there, you will be fine.

It's like this. If you want backrubs, start giving backrubs.

*** EDIT ***

Has he had a physical lately? Had his testosterone levels checked?[/quote']

Yes. He had a physical to have everything checked out last month, but I don't think they checked testosterone levels.

[No game 14,436]

Jennybeth,

I think a lot of wives and mothers here can relate to what you said about never putting your self first... It's something I've done since marriage and children. I, for many years "neglected" myself because I said i wanted to put my family first.

Why? I became invisible fat unhappy. It was easier just not to care... But what good does that do for anyone? Is it good for your kids? your Husband? You?

I had guilt about doing this surgery CRAZY!

I wasn't doing anything wrong! I was finally doing something for me that was loving, caring and ultimately will benefit my family, but most importantly it will benefit ME, Laura and I am worthy of it

[*Dean* 1,594]

JennyBeth. It sounds like a really complicated problem you have on your hands, that you have been dealing with for years. I won't try to offer a solution in a few lines in a weight loss forum.

BUT KNOW THIS - No situation was made worse by a person being fitter, stronger, healthier and feeling better about themselves.

[PdxMan 4,292]

Yes. He had a physical to have everything checked out last month, but I don't think they checked testosterone levels.

... They come in saying they feel excessively fatigued, weaker, depressed, and that they have lost their sex drive -- all common symptoms of a drop in testosterone.

It may not be the cause, but if his levels are low, it could help.

BTW, if I hadn't gotten any in 2 years, I'd be a little off kilter as well.

Just sayin'