Hating Myself & Afraid Less than 6 Weeks Out...Long Post...Needing Support

[deedeemuffin 346]

Hi DeeDee,

I think you are confronting the battle going on inside your mind, and you should be congratulated. I do not know what is preventing you from letting yourself succeed, but you are seeking help and I am so happy that you are doing that. I truly feel like fear is involved, but only you have those answers - fear of failing? fear of succeeding? fear of losing something you have now? I don't know so I don't know how to encourage you except to say I will be praying that you discover what you need to succeed. You have it in you!

You are absolutely right. There is definitely some fear involved. I know what is at the root of some of it, but not quite sure how to let go of that particular fear. I'm hoping maybe the psychiatrist at my surgeon's office can help me with that. I definitely appreciate the prayer. I will take all the prayer that I can get. It's hard for me to ask for it outside this board since only my very immediate family & one close friend know about my surgery. I didn't want people to judge me.

[Annie B 89]

Yikes! Week 1 is only Water? ? I was on clears for 2 weeks, but that included broth, diluted apple juice, diluted gatorade, SF jello... how did you not collapse? I have to say, yours is the most restrictive program I've heard of.

[deedeemuffin 346]

If you are cleared for foods then eat Breakfast, lunch and dinner. Only shakes for breakfast and lunch is like a pre op diet. It's not neccesary post op.

Eat your breakfast, get full then carry a water bottle with you until lunch.

Eat lunch, get full and carry Water til dinner

And eat dinner etc

If you get hungry in between, eat nuts, cheese cubes, or small yogurt.

You can do this...even if you like to eat as I do, we eat so little at a time that if we keep it healthy we will lose the weight.

Stop weighing yourself and take one day at a time.

Next time you want chicken nuggets that's fine just eat grilled nuggets.

Even 10 eaten through out the day is on program. It's a healthy Protein.< /p>

Don't feel like you can't do this because you can...please keep reaching for help.

We all need it and we are here for you!!!

Stay strong!!!<3

My instinct right now is to eat how you're describing. It is just contrary to my surgeon's offices plan. I am one of those people who feels the need to do things "perfectly". When I don't, I just throw it all away. It is something that I am working on. Maybe the plan they have is not the right plan for me. I night need to adjust my thinking...eating healthfully & mindfully but not as rigidly as my worksheet says to do. My surgeon is Dr. Wayne Weiss & I am in New York. The Hudson Valley area. I know my surgeon's office has a support group meeting twice a month near me (many more not so near to me). I have just been afraid to go. Afraid that I'm the only one doing badly.

[Kapoorvilla 117]

Yikes! Week 1 is only Water?? I was on clears for 2 weeks' date=' but that included broth, diluted apple juice, diluted gatorade, SF Jello... how did you not collapse? I have to say, yours is the most restrictive program I've heard of.[/quote']

I agree. I thought all those weeks of full liquids was tuff. I was 3 before and two after. Then two weeks on purée. Now I am released to eat all but should keep it soft for two weeks.

[Kapoorvilla 117]

My instinct right now is to eat how you're describing. It is just contrary to my surgeon's offices plan. I am one of those people who feels the need to do things "perfectly". When I don't' date=' I just throw it all away. It is something that I am working on. Maybe the plan they have is not the right plan for me. I night need to adjust my thinking...eating healthfully & mindfully but not as rigidly as my worksheet says to do. My surgeon is Dr. Wayne Weiss & I am in New York. The Hudson Valley area. I know my surgeon's office has a support group meeting twice a month near me (many more not so near to me). I have just been afraid to go. Afraid that I'm the only one doing badly.[/quote']

Dee you will not be. You may be the only one being honest but you will not be the only one doing badly.

[Annie B 89]

You are absolutely right. There is definitely some fear involved. I know what is at the root of some of it, but not quite sure how to let go of that particular fear. I'm hoping maybe the psychiatrist at my surgeon's office can help me with that. I definitely appreciate the prayer. I will take all the prayer that I can get. It's hard for me to ask for it outside this board since only my very immediate family & one close friend know about my surgery. I didn't want people to judge me.

That is why this board is here. We are all in the same boat (similar boats, as it sounds like every food program is different!) and can relate unlike those who have not experienced it. I figure we will tell others if and when we are ready. And when we are ready, we won't worry if they judge us because we didn't do this for them, we did it for us - for our health and for our futures.

[ebonisekim 1,713]

A couple things stood out to me in your post.

First was that I don't think I could ever eat as much as what was on that dinner plan. Nine ounces of food at a time that soon post surgery is a LOT of food. Especially so many vegetables. It just seems like a lot to me.

Second' date=' and this is the hard part to discuss, is that I see a lot of self sabotage in your diet. Yes, the sleeve is there to help us lose weight, but we are still responsible for making a choice. A large mocha frappe is nearly 700 calories. For a lot of us, especially recently sleeved, that's a full day's worth of calories right there. It's a slider food, one that's not going to stress your sleeve, but isn't going to do you any good.

You know you're not making the right choices, but as many of us can sympathize with, if it were that easy to do, we would have done it without resorting to something like getting sleeved. If you have access to a psychologist that is familiar with eating disorders, I would encourage you to see them because while a board like this is good, it's no substitute for real help. I know I had to undergo a psych eval before getting sleeved, and if you had to as well, perhaps that individual is available for post surgery appointments, too.

You need to get at, and deal with, the reasons you're still working against your own best interests. You'll find a lot of great support here, but I'm not telling you anything you don't know by saying we can't do it for you. We will, though, be here to be a place to get support as you make the journey.[/quote']

I agree w your post good way to look at things but your posts or always good not just good but more realistic

[deedeemuffin 346]

DeeDee,

My heart goes out to you, and please know that you are not alone. My surgeon also has us on an extremely strict diet plan, and I feel like I'm a failure because at 5 weeks, Water is still a huge issue for me. I ate more often than my allowed 3 meals a day for Christmas, and find myself hungry a lot more now. I just had my period and stalled out as well.

I find myself getting depressed from all the posts I see "2 months out and x number of pounds down" with pictures. I look at myself and think, I'll never hit that much at 2 months, at 3 months, at 6 months.

Something that really hit me yesterday: my first weight goal was to lose 25 pounds and hit 275. I've been so stuck on how much of a failure I am that I never took the time to Celebrate the 25 I lost when I hit 275. Instead of looking at it from a "I have so much to lose" think of it from a "I have lost so much" I haven't been under 275 in years. My clothes haven't fit this way in a while, and it's sad because I'll need new clothes soon.

Celebrate the small victories. Pre-sleeve, how long would it take you to lose those 31 pounds?

Speak with your NUT and a psych. They would be able to better help you with these issues. But congratulations on the weight loss so far you are pounds closer to goal

I too find myself comparing myself to others on the boards especially. I also have been in the 380's probably at least ten times over the past 3 years. It would usually take me 2 months instead if the 2 weeks it took this time. I think I have a fear that my body won't let me go below 380. I think that when I get into the 370's it will be more real that this is really working. I will definitely keep my psych & nut appts. I have had victories. I am losing weight differently this time. The ONE pair of jeans that I own are now too big at the waist. Maybe I need to start writing down my NSV so I can look at them when I am feeling down.

[deedeemuffin 346]

Dee dee

We are all learning. Our doctors all have different opinions. This is a learning adventure. It was suggested I up my calories and my surgeon told me my carbs was to low at 20-30 carbs per day. He said my body needed more carbs than that to be healthy.

Not to sound like I know it all, this evening as I ate supper I knew I was behind in calories today. I felt the chest pain and I took a bite felt it again and took another the I thought I need theses calories I am going take another bite. We can now mark most of supper off my intake. I had a lean beef patty, 1/4 cup greens and 1/2 small potato baked no toppings. I eat the Protein and greens but that potato should have stayed on the plate.

Tomorrow we fight again!

I have to say that I have not had that pain eating yet, but maybe if I start eating more food rather than liquid I might get a full feeling. I have a feeling for most of us every day is a fight for quite awhile. Maybe even the rest of our lives, but I did not fight today. Tomorrow I will!

[deedeemuffin 346]

Yikes! Week 1 is only Water? ? I was on clears for 2 weeks, but that included broth, diluted apple juice, diluted gatorade, SF jello... how did you not collapse? I have to say, yours is the most restrictive program I've heard of.

I am hearing this a lot. The reoccurring theme seems to be my plan is very restrictive & that may be why I am having such a hard time sticking to it. I have to say the week of water I was WEAK & shaky. I was dizzy. I couldn't drive. I could barely get up. I called the doctor & they wouldn't clear me for anything else. Thank God that is over!

[lessofmeismore 1,405]

Definitely write down your nsv's

I remember clearly feeling how you're feeling...there are stages to this new journey we are on and you are adjusting. Think positive...it will happen...keep getting support, you need to have that, we all do.

I really look forward to hearing from you more as I know 6 months from now you will be helping others with the same feelings and struggles you are having now...

And yes consider what works for you, honestly, as long as your choosing healthy choices, you will succeed!!

Look forward to being suprised because you are going to lose the weight and your new life awaits!!

One day at a time

[nycshuanie 2]

I haven't posted in awhile because I have been so disappointed in myself & my journey so far. I have seen other people post about struggling & have seen a lot of people criticize them. I don't need that right now as I am already hating myself. I thought that I was prepared for this journey' date=' but the reality has hit me hard. I had a large part of my stomach removed & I am never getting it back. I will never be able to eat the way I used to again. This should be a good thing, right? The first couple of weeks were the easy part. I went down 31 lbs. in the first 2 weeks & that is exactly where I have stayed. I am still 381 today. This is not a stall. I did have a stall during week 3 where I was completely on plan, but not losing anything. I actually gained. Then the small amount I gained came off & I haven't moved at all now for 2 weeks. This is completely my fault. I haven't been exercising. I haven't started my Vitamins. I don't get in all my Water every day. I don't follow my nutritionists guidelines. So, I am obviously not expecting that I would have gone down anymore. I have read so much on this board about people not being able to tolerate foods, sliming or vomiting. I know that is difficult for those people & I am not wishing that I would be sick. It's just that I have been able to tolerate anything & everything that I have tried. My offices food guidelines are very strict & I have not kept to them. According to my nutritionist my diet should be Breakfast: 1 Protein shake, Lunch: 1 Protein Shake, dinner 3 oz. of Protein, 3 oz. of vegetable & 3 oz. of salad, snack (if needed) 1/2 a piece of fruit or 1% cottage cheese. Period. No drinking milk (not even in tea, coffee or protein shakes) though I am allowed cheese & yogurt & no carbs except what naturally occurs in the aforementioned dietary outline. I need to total 60-70 grams of protein a day, less than 20 grams of carbs per day & at least 64 oz. of Water per day along with my Vitamins & exercise. I do not know what is holding me back from following the program except my own mind maybe. I want to be able to treat myself. I want to enjoy my food. So, that is what I have been doing. I have been having flavored lattes multiple times per week over the past two weeks. Today I spent over 4 hours getting 10 chicken nuggets & a large mocha frappe into my stomach. I had nothing before & I know that I won't have anything until tomorrow. I have also been allowing myself 2 cigarettes a day. I am sharing all this for different reasons. One reason is there might be others going through the same thing & I want them to know that they are not alone. Another reason is that I need massive encouragement. Before anyone suggests professional help, I have already set that up. I am seeing my nutritionist again in 2 weeks instead of 4 because she knows that I am struggling. My surgeon's office also has a psychiatrist on staff that deals specifically with bariatric patients pre and post-op & I have set up an appointment with her. For years I have lost & regained the same 30 lbs. over & over again. I have not been below 380 in about 3 years now. I knew that getting sleeved wasn't going to "cure" my obesity. I just thought that I would have a longer period of time before I would be able to tolerate different foods & that I could resolve any other issues before then. I am feeling so sad & just beating up on myself. Yet, I keep giving myself a reason to beat up on myself every day. Every day this goes on the worse that I feel about myself. This should be incentive enough to stop, but I haven't. I have so many reasons to treat my body well and I am not. Has anyone else experienced anything similar to this or know anyone else who has? Do you see something that I don't? Any words of encouragement? Any hope for me?+31[/quote']

Hey,

I thinks it's normal to eat bad. I am amazed you could eat chicken nuggets without pain. I had surgery 12/10/12 and I can't even drink crystal light without it hurting. I have to do half/half when I drink it. I am struggling with the surgery I keep watching everyone eats all the foods I love and I can't eat it. I want to eat ice cream from cold stone and I feel ashamed. I am so happy I have found this page because I have been feeling down.

[No game 14,436]

Hi,I sent you a private message I got a copy of that book that I want to send to your nook!

[Kapoorvilla 117]

Hi' date='I sent you a private message I got a copy of that book that I want to send to your nook![/quote']

Hope you will consider posting again you are very helpful. We need you.

[deedeemuffin 346]

Hey,

I thinks it's normal to eat bad. I am amazed you could eat chicken nuggets without pain. I had surgery 12/10/12 and I can't even drink crystal light without it hurting. I have to do half/half when I drink it. I am struggling with the surgery I keep watching everyone eats all the foods I love and I can't eat it. I want to eat ice cream from cold stone and I feel ashamed. I am so happy I have found this page because I have been feeling down.

It seems like people here have one of 2 problems...either they can barely hold anything down or they can eat just about anything they want. Either way, it is really hard. Note that in my original post I sais that it took me 4 hours to eat 10 chicken nuggets & have my drink. That's half a work day! I had to take very small bites, chew very well & take a lot of breaks. Totally the wrong thing to do to myself. I am glad this page helped you, though. This is a HUGE adjustment for all of us. I am just glad to have found so much support when I posted about being so down myself. We'll get there...I don't know when, but we will.