Today is a week post op for me, I am still a newbie to the site but I thought I would put myself out there this way. I was around 70 pounds lighter four years ago when we started dating. He has made it known that the weight has been an issue for him. "Are you really going to eat that?" "You want more?" "Maybe we can work out together" "Is it your weight that makes you not want to have sex?" Before surgery sex was a chore for me.. When I thought about it, I got tired thinking about shaving my legs and the whole thing seemed like a chore. Probably because he wasn't so subtle with letting me know that my weight was an issue.

But beyond that.. Like I said, I am one week out. All together since my consultation, giving up pop, liquid diet, surgery and this week post op I have lost 37 pounds. Not once has he said something about it on his own. When other people notice he is all "yeah I see it". Today we were in bed watching Fringe and he kept trying to instigate sex.. Which I GET. Its been a while. But I just don't feel up to it yet, chalk it up to healing my body and my self esteem. So when I finally get him to understand I am not going to give in, he is mad. Which again, I get. There have been plenty of times I wanted to be with him, and then I think about how he doesnt like my body.. whats jiggling during that shouldnt be.. and I get disgusted. So you know what he does? He gets a big bowl of chili (MY FAVORITE) and eats it right next to me. I wanted to flip that bowl of hot chili on his lap. Can you say Hormonal Hannah?

I had a point, this wasn't going to be just a rant but thats kind of what it turned out to be. When I did my psych evaluation that is what she said to me. That problems like this would be amplified. The fact that I know he wasnt completely satisfied with me before and that he would more then likely be more interested in me after would bother me and I had to find a way to work it out with my self esteem.

Has anyone had this issue? Or maybe something like it? What did you do?

... I see my friends in relationships where they are always trying to change the guy - and then complain when it doesn't happen ...

From what I've seen, and as my own experience as a man, women can't change men, at least not with successful results. If a man wants to change, he changes. But trust me, it usually takes an act of god to make him decide to change.

I'm very sorry to say this, but from what I've just read, he sounds like a selfish, cruel jerk.

No, I don't know the whole story but how does someone who loves you speak to you like that, or treat you like that?

A relationship therapist once gave me a quiz: in 30 seconds, name 5 reasons you are sure he loves you. Then another 30 seconds, 5 reasons you are sure you love him. This should be SUPER EASY if you love someone and feel loved! You'd be surprised at the number of people who insist they are in love but can't even come up with ONE reason why, then get angry with the therapist and defend it 'just because'.

I may not have the most popular opinion, but I'm going to stick up for your boyfriend a little in thinking that he may be trying to help in his own way. The first time I talked to my SO about the need to diet, he made the same types of comments in an attempt to help. I quickly let them know that it wasn't helpful. It never happened again. Do you speak up in a kind, authoritative manner about his comments? Did you go workout with him? Maybe you should start.

For the record, he does sound like a bit of a jerk. Was he being subtle about not liking your weight or was your own self esteem twisting the things he said? Ask him how he feels. Have a good talk about it. Tell him how your weight makes you feel about having sex. If he understands, he may be able to do things that would make you more comfortable. He may not like your weight, but he has stayed with you and still wants to have sex. In my opinion, it obviously doesn't bother him so much that he doesn't want you!

I'm also going to stick up for the boyfriend. The comments encouraging better eating and suggesting exercise could be his way of supporting you in your efforts to lose weight. Now, this would only be true if you told him you were on a diet or doing something to lose weight before he made the comments.

As for him getting mad, his reaction could have more to do with his self esteem than yours. Maybe he is worried that now that you've lost weight, you aren't interested in him and will possibly leave him.

My point is that while your interpretation is real to you, it might be very unreal to him. The only way you will know is if the two of you talk through your feelings and thoughts. You need to tell him how you feel, and you need to listen to how he feels.

I have never been a woman who gets upset when someone tells me the truth to the question "Do these pants make my butt look big?" If I ask, I want to know. Honest communication works wonders. I like that my husband calls me on my bull and helps me stay on track. We exercise together, and he asks about my workouts.

@Amy I think I love him. I have loved him and I think its still there. In fact I am pretty sure its still there. Everything is just messing with my head. He wasnt overly rude when he would say things about my weight. Its mostly my self esteem that needs to catch up to my body. I have fat girl syndrome and I am worried it will not go away.

@MJ. I am trying to keep it real. When he came in with that chili I am serious about wanting to dump it on him. Sneaky little bastard, I know he did that on purpose. I had lousy yogurt, I hate yogurt. And HE KNOWS IT

This right here doesn't sound like you are REALLY sure of how you feel about him. Its probably a mixtture of feelings but either way... REAL LOVE DOESN'T HURT and it is supportive, caring and kind. This doesn't sound like him. Like someone else said, don't stay with him just to have someone. Somebody it out there that will appreciate you and love you for who you are, even if you gain 100lbs!!!

I totally respect your choice in who you spend your time with, but just because you love him isn't a good enough reason. What if he was physically abusive? Should you stay with a man who beats you? Of course not. What he is doing is emotional abuse. <-- i can't agree to this more!! Emotional abuse is jsut as bad as physical and you need to free yourself from that now.

To me statements like "Are you really going to eat that?" "You want more?" are very rude even said in the nicest way. And, getting mad because you are recovering and don't want to have sex is rude. Where is the understanding and support from him? Finally, eating something you love right in front of you is just down right rude.

Again, I respect your choice to stay with him because you love him. I just don't understand it. Please take good care of yourself.

I feel ou have a choice regarding how you react to his comments....that's in your control. However, I feel HE has a choice how he communicates to you.....it's one thing to express his concern in a loving, gentle and caring manner yet another to be condescending and rude. You most likely won't be able to change him....you just have to decide if YOU can live with him the way he is!

He should wait until you feel healed enough to engage. That's why he has hands. The good news is that he's a boyfriend' date=' not a husband. If you feel you can't put up with him, you can solve that problem with a simple "goodbye."[/quote']

I totally agree with the above statement by prettysleeved1! I would also like to add that you did this surgery for yourself ( I hope) so it is going to be up to you to remove any obstacles including him if need be. You are a beautiful person an don't deserve to be treated this way. I am going to tell you like you were my sister or close friend you need to STAND UP FOR YOURSELF! He is a boyfriend so right now is prime time to outline how you will and WILL NOT be treated and if he does not treat you the way you want to be treated you can show him the door. It may feel like you love him but it needs to be a 2 way street and if he treats you badly that isn't love on his part. Even if he was trying to be helpful with those comments you should have let him know that it hurt you when it did and he should have stopped period.You need to love yourself first and foremost and know that you deserve someone who is loving and supportive through thick or thin. There are a lot of men out there don't continue to waste time on the wrong one. A reall man lifts his woman up and doesn't put her down. I wish you nothing but good luck through your journey and hope you find real happiness:)

I actually had the same thing happen to me twice. My boyfriend of 7 years broke up with me because of my weight, saying that he doesn't want to be with someone who is overweight and can't keep up with him. Well, low and behold he married someone the same size. So, in his case, he knew how he could hit me the hardest and used it to make himself feel better because I am really independent and probably would never have otherwise let him see me cry. So I got through that and two years later, last year, I met my current boyfriend and when we were just dating he told me that he wasn't sure how he felt about me because, in his words, "he wasn't sure if he could get over the vanity of dating someone my size." needless to say that killed me. I went into starvation mode, cried for days, the whole nine. And I totally avoided him. One day he called me and said that he never said that because he wanted me to change, but that he wanted his vanity about having to have the best girl to change. Then he said that really he didn't feel like he had to because I will still the best looking girl and he wanted me to be exactly how I want to be. It was at that point that I started to ask myself what exactly that was. Eventually after trying yet another fad diet, I decided I wanted to get the weight off for real and here I am, 12 days post op. He did the same sh*t that your boyfriend did when I was recovering, too. My favorite food is lasagna and the second day I was home, he made himself a giant plate of it and ate it in front of me. I told him he made me want to choke him with it. (lol I am pretty direct) and he said it never even crossed his mind. And I believe him. Guys don't think about that stuff. so there are two extremes. I am not going to lie, I have a lot of trust issues with my boyfriend because of what he said a year ago, but I also know that most of those issues exist because I have severe self esteem issues about my weight. The more I lose, the better I feel, but I'm hoping that I will feel more consistently better about him and i also. Hope this LONG story helps. Lol

Oh and one more thing. Steve, my boyfriend, is very insecure now about whether or not I will stay with him once I am thinner. So it's nice to see that he is slightly insecure too. (not to mention, ive kept him well fed this past year and he's gained about 25 lbs and is having trouble taking it off, so he's getting a taste of his own medicine.)

You are awesome!!!!!

Oh and one more thing. Steve, my boyfriend, is very insecure now about whether or not I will stay with him once I am thinner. So it's nice to see that he is slightly insecure too. (not to mention, ive kept him well fed this past year and he's gained about 25 lbs and is having trouble taking it off, so he's getting a taste of his own medicine.)

My husband has asked more than once if I'll still like him when I lose all of my weight. It's amusing to me considering that I am the one losing the weight, not him and he is just as attractive as ever. After my surgery he was too afraid to eat in front of me. He didn't know how i'd handle it. Truth be told I didn't want it. The smell of food made me sick for the first few weeks. I didn't miss eating because the 2 oz of liquid made me so full, thinking about trying to put more in my stomach just made me cringe.

I am not married and don't have a long term boyfriend right now, so I don't have a lot of advice to offer. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you've had to go through that, because you really deserve to be treated well, heavy or not. In my opinion, it sounds like you guys have had a fallout in support/communication that would need to be remedied if things are gonna work. I hope things work out for you.

I've been married ( now divorced) and had boyfriends. The last one did a job on me. He had a fantastic body which made me insecure from the get go. But since being with him ... I gained 40 lbs very quickly. Which in turn made me very insecure. I didn't want to be intimate with him after awhile bc I didn't like the way I looked I gained an additional 10 lbs and he broke it off with me... No reasons. I know the the reason and this was all under a year.

You don't need the extra baggage of him. I don't know him but he doesn't sound like he's nice to you. You may think you love him but maybe you love the idea of him. You need to work on the number one person which is you!!! And everything else will fall into place. I promise you this....

My husband has asked more than once if I'll still like him when I lose all of my weight. It's amusing to me considering that I am the one losing the weight' date=' not him and he is just as attractive as ever. After my surgery he was too afraid to eat in front of me. He didn't know how i'd handle it. Truth be told I didn't want it. The smell of food made me sick for the first few weeks. I didn't miss eating because the 2 oz of liquid made me so full, thinking about trying to put more in my stomach just made me cringe.[/quote']

Isn't that amazing? I have lost about 28 lbs and I feel totally different. The only problem I see on the horizon now is that I don't think he can keep up with me anymore. I'm trying to encourage him to workout with me to get more stamina but I feel like an energier bunny and he is still at the same energy level. I know he will eventually catch up. But my energy level almost seems to depress him. Let's hope it gets better. He stuck by me, and I want to stick by him now. :-)

Isn't that amazing? I have lost about 28 lbs and I feel totally different. The only problem I see on the horizon now is that I don't think he can keep up with me anymore. I'm trying to encourage him to workout with me to get more stamina but I feel like an energier bunny and he is still at the same energy level. I know he will eventually catch up. But my energy level almost seems to depress him. Let's hope it gets better. He stuck by me, and I want to stick by him now. :-)

Get him some B12 lol.