Husbands Anger Issues - Please give advice

[paula 4]

My husband has a problem with anger. He's very pessimistic, seems to always be SO unhappy, never smiles and seldom laughs, gripes/hollers at the kids for the smallest things, keyed up all the time, plus the tension is causing him trouble sleeping, headaches AND HBP. If only he could relax, mellow out, loosen up. Beer helps, he becomes jolly and light, but then he dives down and becomes a bear!

He's had these issues for ever, but a couple of years ago he became much worst and his doctor put him on paxil (after several attemps of other meds). It helped... for awhile it was better, but slowly faded in effectivness. Back to the doctor and an increase in paxil. The med increase doesnt seem to be helping much. He's even tried the herbals - St johns wort, hops, flax seed oil, cal-mag..... the list goes on. Some things help for a while - some do nothing.

Im coming here for advice on what/how to encourage him to handle this. He has problems but is scared to be labeled a freak. And everytime he/we've been to a professional counselor we usually walk away knowing more then they do and have tried eveything suggested.

So - What is Anger Management classes? Anyone have any experiences with this? And is there anything else that I could recommend to him that would help?

I am very humbled to submit thread this for the world to read - Im usually way more private then this. But maybe there is someone out there with the right suggestion...

please give me some feedback - even if you pm me.

Thanks y'all.

[babyjane 0]

I understand what you are going through. This sounds like my husband exactly. My husband has never gone to anger mngmnt classes. A friend of ours, a nurse, has suggested it to him for the last 20 yrs practically. I have heard the same story about meds as you are describing, DH is not on paxil, but on another anti-depressant. Different doses, meds, etc. all seem to help for a while. The nurse friend, says the classes will do some behavior modification, teach some relaxation methods,etc. Usually it falls to me to keep things on an even keel, but in recent years as his helath has declined, i have warned him that he should try MUCH harder, as it is very taxing on me to handle his quick anger. Sometimes i feel like a referee! I tell him that he better pray that i do not die anytime soon, he would be lost--having to deal with life,kids,work,etc. on his own!!!

It has also helped for me to go into dr's ofc exam room with him and give the dr. more insight and truth than DH does. DH has no problem with me doing that. I also encourage him to handle small issues "on his own"

somewhat to show him he CAN control himself better, with practice. But i still seem to be his buffer from the world. It sounds like you are doing all the right things, I believe classes would help him, if he were willing to go.

My DH says yes, but never seems to do it. Keep hangin' in there Paula....

Jane:)

[Wheetsin 714]

Sent you a PM. :hug:

[barbara465 2]

There is a program called CODA - codependecy. I have trouble with the name because I don't think it accurately depicts what it is about. However, it is on the order of the other 12 step programs. This one deals with people who are trying to be in control of everything. It is about living for others and letting others dictate our thoughts and feelings. Many of these issues come out in anger. It is learning to let go. Look for a group near you and get him to go. It can't hurt, but until he finds what the source is, he will continue to be angry.

I get angry for no reason and let little things get me down. I even think I'm ridiculous, but can't seem to help it. My DH has been very supportive and got me to understand the CODA thinking.

Here is their website http://www.codependents.org/

[ralheit 0]

I know someone who has had these same types of problems. He just divorced for the fourth time. He was finally diagnosed as being bipolar. Meds are completely different than just anti-depressants. He had to try a couple of different things, but he's finally regulated. Seems to be working for him.

[DonnaB 3]

Hey Paula,

Sorry you're going through this and I completely understand about the privacy issue. There are plenty of things that I could use advise about but I'm too close-lipped to ask for it.

You might try talking to your doctor about switching around the medications your husband takes. I hear people say all the time that the medication works for awhile then slows down or stops. If your husband's medication was changed every 6 months or so it might help. I don't mean a different doseage, but a completely different medication.

It's worth talking to the doctor about it.

Good luck, let us know if you find out anything, and thanks for opening up about things, it inspires me to relax about and try to share some problems of my own.

[paula 4]

As always - LBT to the rescue. You guys are awesome!

Im going look up the CODA site you mentioned Barb. - Thanks!

Jane, is you're hubby's name Mike? LOL - I -honestly- believe that this behavoir isnt their fault. Something in their chemical structure is'nt right!

Pray for me - and I'll pray for you, k? And with sharing knowledge we're gonna get these men on the right track!

Donna, *big sigh* just know that when I come to LBT and post something like this its cause Im in desperate need of advice. Im to the point that I literally HATE going anywhere with him - he is too embarrassing to be around (being loud, impatient, fussing at me & the kids). Sat night we went with friends to a resturant - Mike had SO many flare-ups that my girlfriend kept looking at me with concern and finally asked, "Is he still taking his paxil?". These are our best friends - so there was no offesnse taken. But his behavoir is SO obvious to everyone around.

I need help - HE needs help.

So like I said, LBT to the rescue!

((hugs)) sister - we're all on this merry-go-round called LIFE - together!

Thanks again everyone.

Im going check my pm's now.

[the best me 6]

(((hugs))) to you, my friend.

I call my hubby "my little ray of sunshine" (yah, right) because sometimes his look on life and circumstances and his attitude in general is just plain ole grumpy!!!! And it tests his patience. And his temperment. He doesn't have trouble with losing his temper, but he can get surly. It drains the life out of me!

For us, it's a matter of an attitude adjustment. It's been an issue often enough that I can say soemthing like "your'e killing me. you have GOT to stop" and he will change his attitude a bit. I think for him, it's a matter of not worrying, having a chance to talk things out, a good ole romp in the hay is a good distraction, LOL, and some spiritual perspective. It's really hard on me though. It's hard for me to be sweet during those times he needs me to be, when he is nothing but a grump! gggrrrrr.

Anyhow, sounds like your situation is a bit more than just aggravating or difficult. Any advice I can come up with sounds so trite...I just don't know. And I don't know about anger management classes either.

You aren't completely alone, and you have loads of friends and support here. I know others will post more good advice. Dont' give up yet!

[neenagh 0]

Hi paula, I just wanted to say that sometimes our general practitioners aren't enough. Perhaps you should ask for a referral to a psychiatrist.

Hope my advice helps, not hurts.

[PhotoNut 7]

Paula, I don't have any advice or experience with this but I did want to send you a big hug and to let you know I'm concerned about you. You'll be in my prayers, girl. *hugs*

[Josette 2]

My father is just like your husband Paula. Exactly alike! He embarrassed my mother over and over again and us kids by the way he'd react to even the smallest things. He did that even at hospice while my mom was dying. He has no coping skills at all no matter what the situation. After mom died he went to his doctor and got put on Lexapro and I don't know if it's the Lexapro or the loss of my mother (who did EVERYthing for him) but he's a completely changed man. I know it's been less then a year but I'm beyond proud of him and the way he reacts to things now. I think it might be a combo of things that changed him. He's being forced to step up to the plate and do things on his own and the medication.

One of my best friends husband acts like that too. They tried antidepressants and they helped a little. They finally found out 2 years ago he was bipolar and they put him on wellbutrin and he's a new man! The medication even made him quit smoking.

There is hope out there Paula. I'd follow the suggestion of seeing a psychiatrist. I'm sending my husband to one because he suffers from severe anxiety and AADD. The psychiatrists know the meds and how they work better then your family doctor.

Good luck!

[MoOrLess 0]

Paula, I was married to a man who was bipolar - he, too, used alcohol as a way to 'relax' - and he knew he couldn't drink and take his medication - so therefore he fought this decision on a daily basis....I imagine for you to have posted - things are downright unmanageable - anger management classes might help - but are probably not the 'first' step to take - I agree - many towns have sliding-scale fees for 'family' counseling - if I am reading things right your hubby definitely needs to have some ongoing counseling and help via a doctor on staff and YOU my dear also might want to ask for a counselor for yourself - the other option is one counselor who sees both of you together and separately -- not marriage counseling - mental health counseling - I've been through it with my fiance's son and it has changed his life and ours - but it takes time and the right medications that work for him....sorry to rattle on - this is so close to my heart as I have lived it and I know how hard this has to be for you - this cycle of 'anger' and 'depression' needs to be stopped and you both deserve the assistance of a good family counseling center - God bless! I am on all the time - you can PM me anytime - I'll always listen

EDIT: after reading another post in this thread -- it hit me in the face - he may be DEPRESSED - that is an entirely different issue -- something to think about and not ignore......

[CCBSTX 0]

Paula, I am glad that you shared this with us. We have some very encouraging, smart posters on lapbandtalk!!!

I'd encourage you to line up a really good professional counselor or psychologist. You can start counseling with him, but maybe bowout after the inital introduction session. Let him have a place to vent and explore his feelings. Figure out, if he would be more comfortable with a male or female. Then solicit recommendations (family doctor, minister, friends, family, internet search, local college/university professors).

Anti-depressants often need to be changed in mg or RX, depending upon the person. Even, if it's the same medication as last year, it may no longer work this year. This is common.

Paula, you are brave to reach out for help. Let us know how it goes...

Shawn

[saul 0]

Hi Paula

Your husband sounds like me. I am a rageaholic. It got much worse after banding as I felt deprived (never hungry) and rage on. I have been going to 12 step meetings and seeing a therapist for the past couple of months and my life has changed completely. I feel so much better and my wife and kids actually like the person i have become.

Here is a link to web site with a test to see if your husband is a rageaholic. If so I suggest a 12 step program and a mental health specialist. I hate taking drugs and I see a social worker instead of a psychiatrist, but I am doing great. Good luck.

http://www.grandtimes.com/Anger.html

[leatha_g 4]

Not alot to add to the afore mentioned posts. Depression is definitely 'anger turned inside out'. It's hard to be optimistic or 'up' when you're suffering depression. Often medication alone is not the answer, therapy may need to go hand in hand. Self-help groups are awesome! 12 Step in particular help us to 'reframe' our perspectives and take our own 'inventory' in order to stay on track. Of course, nothing is overnight, it's a lifelong process. If he is aware of his problem and actively seeking some help of his own, half the battle is won. It's not quite as easy if HE isn't admitting the problem and willing to make the changes necessary.

I'm really sorry that you're both dealing with this, but to me, he has an angel in his corner named Paula. You're both strong and have a strong faith. I know you'll get it worked out. I love you and I'll be praying for resolution and relief from this burden. Hugsss from your bandmama..