Need Some Advice - Don't Know What To Do Or Say..

[MiTurner247 34]

If your wife is not happy with herself she will never be happy with you!

[Less of Leslie 90]

Wow.

This is a surgery forum for those who are looking for SUPPORT in their journey. What did you expect "Loving" husband 1979? That we would all applaud you for your cruel and unsupportive forum topic?

ATTENTION EVERYONE!!! :director:

All you had to do to lose the weight that you have been gaining and losing for YEARS is just PUT THE FORK DOWN AND EXERCISE! Thank you SO much for shedding the light on us. :doh:

We have been STRUGGLING with our weight, not just trying to lose those last 10-15 lbs, STRUGGLING with 100's of pounds. Your wife is obviously unhappy with her body image...wonder why. "Eat healthy dear and exercise". Yes, we DO have to eat healthy and exercise. VSG is not a magic cure. We need to eat healthy now more than ever before.

The risks of her being obese out why the risks of the surgery. PROVEN FACT. Do your research buddy, and don't expect to come into a VSG support group, bag on the surgery and expect us to be soooo happy you shared your opinion with us. We get enough grief from the ignorant A-holes outside of this forum, we don't need it here.

God Bless your wife.

[brandymarie81 108]

Amen! Thank you less of leslie!

[circa 333]

Same parents does not equal same genetics. I have every recessive gene possible - my siblings have none. I have a genetic defect in my liver, my sisters don't even carry the gene. The only thing same parents do for you genetically is increase the odds that you will have similar genetics.

[teambrown4 19]

Loving husband- look at it this way... The surgery will give her the tool she (in your description) seems to lack in order to stop over eating.

It's not a cure all and yea surgery of any kind is dangerous, but so is diabetes and high blood pressure and a heart attack, which is where your wife may be headed.

This is a scary process and a Life altering ordeal so if you love her for better or worse, then let her know you are scared but you support her need to be healthy.

If you love her through sickness and health, then recognize she is sick.. I'm talking as someone in her shoes and feel I have a sickness. You may see it as a weakness, an in many ways I suppose that's fair, but it's like any other disease.. Alcoholism, sex addict, drug user, it makes you ill and unhealthy.

She's making the bravest decision ever right here and right now I guarantee that what she needs is your understand that this is something she needs to do, and you don't have to understand why, just that it is the way it is and support is all you can offer now or you will risk losing your wife after all!!

Please consider counseling... Both of you or you alone can only gain perspective and calmness.

I did that for me and asked my husban to go and at first he had some of the same things to say you did, but after the initial shock wore off and he learned about the surgery (by going to the weight loss seminars with me), and research and also just listening to my needs and fears.... Then he was totally supportive and goes to all my appointments and has taken the time off for mY surgery and the days after.

That's really all I can say, cause you will stand to gain peace if you accept it isn't about you. It really isn't. This is not a life threatening surgery and the down side of what can manifest if she doesnt get help will be more life threatening! Keep that in mind. Give her a hug and a kiss and then commit yourself to learning and accepting everything she has to deal with. Her recovery and success will greatly be affected by your attitude... So please for her sake and your marriage, just accept she needs your love and positivity only right now!

[circa 333]

I do see your side of things husband. I do know some people that have tried to have wls because they thought it was the easy way to not gain weight. I do know these people exist. Is that what you think your wife is doing? I also know people who have it done as a preventative measure because they see themselves spinning out of control (maybe like her sisters did).

I think maybe finding out why she wants to do it is really important. An extra 40 lbs will not qualify her. The typical insurance requirements are 100 lbs or more overweight or a bmi of 35. That's MOST insurance companies. Depending on extenuating circumstances, I think these are appropriate guidelines. If there's a psychological issue - she feels herself losing control, etc then it might be a good preventative measure. I would love to talk to you more about this - feel free to PM me if you'd like to discuss further. I'm sorry that you felt attacked. So many people here have been attacked for their weight and told "put the fork down - try some exercise" and its just not that easy for people sometimes. My situation is even more different than that - my excess weight was caused by medical steroid treatments.

Everyone is different, including your wife. But getting to the bottom of the situation may change how you feel about the situation as well - and it may not. But I think you need more information from your wife too.

[LovingHusband1979 0]

Good question. What did I expect? I definitely expected just a tad bit more sympathy than this, but narrow mindedness seems to be the way of the world these days. Such a cruel husband I am that I want the best for my wife. To answer the question that I've been asked several times, idk how much my wife weighs, idk what her BMI is, because she refuses to step on a scale. If I had to guess I'd say she's roughly 50 to 75lbs overweight, given her height, according to the chart on this link: http://www.healthchecksystems.com/heightweightchart.htm

Insurance qualifications do not matter here because the doctor is her best friends husband, and it's in Mexico, so American processes do not apply here. I'm not mad at the few of you who have called me cruel and controlling, it just shows your complete ignorance, narrow mindedness, and the fact that you did not pay even the slightest attention to what I said in my post, especially the part when I said I spent 3 hours crying like a little baby last night because I can't stand the thought of anything bad happening to my wife, especially for something that is not an ABSOLUTE necessity at this time. Such an a-hole I am for that.

Let me ask you this, especially all of you who keep saying "this is about her, and her only, it is HER decision and has nothing to do with you"...who will be the one to see her suffering if her body does not take well to the surgery? Who will be the one who has to deal with the depression, the extra physical, mental, emotional, and financial stress of caring for someone whose health is compromised? How do you think I would feel to see that knowing it was all because she didn't feel attractive enough, when I tell her EVERY SINGLE DAY she's the most beautiful lady I have ever seen? Do I really need to defend myself by posting examples of stories I have read about WLS not going so well? Or do I need to mention that the employer of one of my best friends recently DIED due to complications from a gastric sleeve? He didn't die during surgery, he went through a few months of agony first, but in the end, he is gone forever leaving a wife to care for 2 young children by herself. Well if that means nothing to you then you are even more shallow than I thought, but regardless of what an ignorant FOLLOWER thinks, this decision is something that WILL affect me so IT IS.....my business too....

I have made TONS of sacrifices for my wife and will gladly make many more because I love her more than life itself. I have done my research...buddy, I look at the both sides of every coin. I personally know the doctor and his family, I have heard countless success stories. Does that completely overwrite the not so successful stories? Maybe to you, but you are not me, and you are not my family. I told my wife tonight that if she wants my support, she needs to give me a reason to see it her way. If I see that she has TRULY tried everything, and given it 100%, but it is just not working and she just keeps gaining more and more weight, then I will be much more open to this idea. As far as I'm concerned, it takes 6 months at minimum of living a healthy lifestyle to say you have truly tried. That means every day. Weekends. Holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas. Doesn't matter. Health is the most important thing to me and I could care less what anyone else thinks about that, you do whatever you want to yourself, but some of you should really just stop talking....really to put it nicely, you're an ignorant fool (you know who you are).

The FACT is, I have not seen this commitment from her yet, and until I do, I don't feel that this is the best decision for the health and well being of my family so I am NOT just going to smile and go along with it when we are talking about something so serious. In response to the bashing I received for mentioning her sisters, that is only because she has tried to use that as a reason to convince me that no matter what, she'll keep putting on weight. I am pretty much convinced that this is just not true, and until I see it for myself, I will not feel any differently. That is not my choice the feeling comes from my heart.

For the record, I have tried in every way I know to express my concerns to her, I have told her countless reasons why I don't think this is a good idea AT THIS TIME, but nothing seems to sink in, it is simply a lack of motivation from what I see....bash me all you want, call me every name in the book, but there is simply nothing I can do about it, facts are facts and I can only base my decisions on things that I KNOW to be true. I am not doing this to be cruel and controlling, I am doing this because I care about my family and well, if that makes me a bad husband, then I guess I am just a bad husband. If a "good" husband is one who just says "ok" to everything, so he's not "the bad guy", well then I don't want to be a good husband.

[circa 333]

The FACT is, I have not seen this commitment from her yet, and until I do, I don't feel that this is the best decision for the health and well being of my family so I am NOT just going to smile and go along with it when we are talking about something so serious. In response to the bashing I received for mentioning her sisters, that is only because she has tried to use that as a reason to convince me that no matter what, she'll keep putting on weight. I am pretty much convinced that this is just not true, and until I see it for myself, I will not feel any differently. That is not my choice the feeling comes from my heart.

You would know better than anyone here if she has tried to lose weight.

What does she say when she talks about the surgery? WHY she wants to do it? I'd be curious to find out if she's just wanting to "take the easy way out" (trust me, this ain't the easy way out) or if she has something that is driving her.

[LovingHusband1979 0]

Circa,

She told me these exact words last night. "It's something I've always wanted, to be thinner, to feel better about myself, to be able to buy whatever clothes I want and to feel pretty when I take pictures.". I'm sorry, but everyone is entitled to whatever standards they want to hold themselves and their family to. For me, that does not warrant surgery, and as much as I love her, I'd have to say that I think she is looking for an easy out. She had bloodwork done a few months ago she is perfectly healthy. Why risk that? She has EVERYTHING a girl could possibly want....I just don't get it....I have everything I want and I don't want to lose ANY of it. We are pretty much not even on speaking terms because of this, I told her I will do anything for her, but I won't do this until I AGREE that it is best for OUR family. The thing is, if she would just do what I am asking her to do, something she'd have to do ANYWAY, I highly doubt that she will keep gaining weight. If I am wrong, THEN and only then would I even consider a surgery, and that would be because I am concerned for her health, NOT because she's "not thin enough" for me. We don't have kids btw, in case anyone was wondering.

[Amanda 3.0 140]

Thank you for the paragraphs, LovingHusband, that makes things easier to read.

I would like to point out to you that we are trying to help you here. Yet, you are calling us ignorant and narrow-minded. And that is exactly how you are also coming across. We, for the most part, know how your wife feels, and we are pointing that out to you. You were crying... that's about you. You tell her she's the most beautiful... that's about you, she doesn't feel that way. What she thinks about herself is so much more important than what you think about her... that's about you. You need to look in the mirror while you are throwing out your insults. Not sure if you will be able to see that though.

My husband has told me that he finds me beautiful many times, daily, but a woman who is 50 - 75 pounds overweight knows she is not the most beautiful. Honestly, we are not stupid. We get picked on, looked down upon, sneered at by kids, looked at cross-eyed if we have the nerve to have a dessert in a restaurant. Clothes look bad on us, the selection is frumpy. Arm flaps don't go away because husby says we are beautiful. We are still fat.

I also wanted to ask when is the last time you saw that ex-girlfriend who lost the 80 pounds through diet and exercise? I have lost 100 pounds in one year through diet and exercise. Several times! Guess what? A good portion of it came back. I don't know how old your wife is, but I finally decided that I have had it with waking up each morning to the horror of being fat. Detesting myself should be enough to make me exercise and put down that fork. As a member of a high-IQ society, that should be easy for me to figure out, right?

But basically, LovingHusband, it sounds like she has made up her mind. I hope you don't come back to post under the name of LovingExHusband.

[circa 333]

Circa,

She told me these exact words last night. "It's something I've always wanted, to be thinner, to feel better about myself, to be able to buy whatever clothes I want and to feel pretty when I take pictures.". I'm sorry, but everyone is entitled to whatever standards they want to hold themselves and their family to. For me, that does not warrant surgery, and as much as I love her, I'd have to say that I think she is looking for an easy out. She had bloodwork done a few months ago she is perfectly healthy. Why risk that? She has EVERYTHING a girl could possibly want....I just don't get it....I have everything I want and I don't want to lose ANY of it. We are pretty much not even on speaking terms because of this, I told her I will do anything for her, but I won't do this until I AGREE that it is best for OUR family. The thing is, if she would just do what I am asking her to do, something she'd have to do ANYWAY, I highly doubt that she will keep gaining weight. If I am wrong, THEN and only then would I even consider a surgery, and that would be because I am concerned for her health, NOT because she's "not thin enough" for me. We don't have kids btw, in case anyone was wondering.

That's kindof a red flag for me. The fact that she won't attempt any weightloss through traditional means but she's gunning for surgery. its as if she's treating this as a vanity procedure - a boob job or a Tummy Tuck. I don't think she has any idea what she's getting into.

Honestly though, this may be the only way for her to practice Portion Control. That's such a hard one. She's not actually addressing why she wants to have SURGERY. Just what she wants the outcome to be. We don't live in a toaster society. You can't just push a button and have what you want.

Why surgery instead of attempting to diet? Why one but not the other? Surgery is a last resort, not a first. That's the question. Why one but not the other? I hope she will answer that for you

Have you tried talking to her surgeon friend? Ask him why he thinks she should have the surgery if she refuses to try to eat healthy?

[LovingHusband1979 0]

I'm not and never have thrown an insult at anyone in this discussion. If you read the last sentence in my original post, I thought I made that pretty clear. When people start calling me cruel, controlling, and telling me I'm a bad husband that reminds them of how lucky they are not to have someone like me, it is offensive, so I think I am justified in saying what I have said.

There's a huge difference in my values and the values of some of the people in this forum, and that is painfully obvious. I would never, under any circumstances, agree for a loved one to have any medical procedure, unless it was MEDICALLY necessary. Not because I don't want her to have what she wants. Not because I don't support her. Because there is a risk and it is simply un necessary.

I know that me telling her she's beautiful doesn't make her lose weight, and I know that EVERYONE desires to have a certain physical build, but I just don't think that it is worth a risk to have a surgery that is 100% IRREVERSIBLE for those reasons. It's justs not enough for me to be convinced. As much as I understand that everyone wants to be 100% flawless and perfect, I just don't get putting your health at risk to drop weight because of physical appearance, it's just life. God did not make us perfect. I can't see it making her life any better, if I did, I would be all for it.

If someone "detests" themselves because of the stigma society has put on women who aren't anorexic skinny (which by the way I think is VERY unattractive, just saying), then that person has self esteem issues and should probably talk to a counselor about that. I have many problems, flaws, and imperfections of my own. Do I wish I could wave a magic wand and make them all disappear? YES. Is it something I feel I want SO bad that I'd risk my own health for? NO. That's how I feel, idk any other way to put it really.

I guess another thing I don't get is why would a girl in the prime of her life, who seemingly has everything a girl could want, even consider taking a risk like that? What is her ultimate goal? If she doesn't feel so great about herself, does that mean that she is only with me because she feels she can't get any better? I'm a pretty direct and straightforward guy, and I'll say this much. I literally give EVERYTHING to my wife. There is nothing more I can possibly do to be a better husband. When we met, I had a VERY high paying job, in the oilfield, but it required a great deal of travel. What did I do? Quit that job, started waiting tables so that I could go to school. Why? So I could be with her. That was the first of many major life changes I made only because I wanted to have a good relationship with her. If I am not making her happy, then maybe you people are right, maybe she is just better off without me. If that's the case, then I'd rather her leave me and go off and do what makes her happy. I don't want to be without her but I don't want to be with someone who doesn't consider me the best man on earth, like I do for her.

This issue is much deeper than many of you can even comprehend, and honestly I am a little shocked at the shallowness of SOME people in here. I feel the way I do for a reason, and if you were in my shoes, I highly doubt you would feel any different. Unless of course you were more concerned with what others think of you and your family then your own personal wants, needs, and values.

[Less of Leslie 90]

I understand your concern, but you are going about it ALL WRONG.

As a woman, we are VERY strong willed and determined creatures. Tell us no and we will prove you YES.

Yes, we DO want to look good in our clothes. That is for US. We DO want to feel comfortable in our own skin. That is not for YOU. We want to FEEL sexy. You can tell her and tell her, but until she feels it, your words hold no weight. It really ISN'T about you.

Who will care for her? You almost make it sound inconvenient.

All I can recommend is that you support her in her decision, because it is her's. The process will be so much harder for her emotionally if she does have the surgery and you are sitting in the dark corner with your arms crossed.

She will have to work harder than she has before with the sleeve. If she is lacksy daisy about weight loss, I see why you are concerned. Most of us have faithfully dieted and exercised only to gain the weight back. Most of us can look at a plate of food and tell you how many calories are on that plate. We are professional dieters. This surgery is not for the lazy dieter. Yes, she SHOULD TRY to lose the weight herself with diet and exercise, but I'm telling you, if she makes up her mind, you better get on board or it will be a VERY bumpy ride.

[Amanda 3.0 140]

Actually, the issue is deeper than YOU can comprehend, my friend. Good luck to you, you'll need it.

Over and out!

[thinoneday 445]

Lovinghusband1979 - - my hubbie felt exactly like you do before my WLS. He would tell you too that I never tried, that I was lazy and didn't want to exercise, and that my diets only lasted for maybe a week or so. . . For about 2 1/2 years before surgery we used to haggle the subject til i was green in the face. . .(I initially wanted the lapband) then finally I asked him just to come to the orientation with me. . . he agreed to that. During the orientation he asked TONS of questions (poor other people never got a chance hehehe) but when we left that evening, he told me that he does not support me with the band at all. . . but he does support me with the sleeve because it seems the safest. . . I almost fell over. I couldn't say anything except, "thanks hon" . . . from there, because I was self pay, my surgery was 1 month later. He worried so much about the decision we had made, he saw how fast the weight was coming off and he worried it wouldn't stop and i would die or something. . . well I'm going into my 3rd year post op now and have surpassed my surgeons weight goal for me by 12 lbs. I remain at 200 - 210 lbs and at 6' tall, look and feel awesome. . .I don't have to be embarrassed waddling down the aisle of a plane and asking the stewardess for the extension belt to make the seatbelt fit, I can now feel comfortable and "normal" sitting in that 17" seat. . . I have more energy to do things and don't feel like i need a breathing aparatise just to climb a few steps. . . my sleeve prevents me from overeating! Yes, I do like my alcohol and the occasional treats, but can't do the whole thing only a bit. . . at 3 years out i still can't eat more then my 7oz lean cuisine or 6 oz hormel dinner. . .the sleeve has given me back my life and that is something NO ONE should ever be denied. . . we are all different inside and we all feel, hurt, and cry differently. I made a big difference in myself and once where i was that "lazy can't diet girl" now am a good looking chick! I still don't go to gym and kill myself because why should I? I do natural exercises, I walk 1/4 mile x 2 every day to my car because i park far away from work. . I walk to my mailbox which is down a very steep hill and walk back up EVERYDAY. . .I do yard work, house work, go swimming, horseback riding and hiking when I want to. . not when I'm forced to do it. . . you may be pleasantly surprised at your wife and her success. . . what your doing at this time is assuming she is going to fail because of what you've seen previously, but we don't know the future. . don't deny her life back, she is fat because there may be an underlying problem. . . help her live her life, however, if she is wanting to do this because her sisters have it and that is all, then that is a very poor reason to get this surgery. . . one needs to be mentally prepared for this surgery, I know of several people who have successfully committed suicide because they could not handle the mental part of this surgery. . .it's not easy at all, it's a tough surgery and one needs to switch really fast and be prepared to go with it because once it's there, there is no turning back. . . at 3 years out there are still days i regret this but not as much now as in the beginning. . . good luck and the best of luck to the both of you.