Need Some Advice - Don't Know What To Do Or Say..

[Happy Camper 266]

Loving husband - wow this sparked many posts very quickly. As you can see people are just as passionate as you are about your wife, family and feelings.

My husband has watched me for more than 18 years diet on the YO-YO roller coaster. It was only after our daughter age 24 was banded and he saw the life she was getting back that he agreed I had tried everything and we (together) were ready for me to get healthy for our golden years.

Perhaps, you and your wife can go to see a counselor? But, please open your heart and mind if even just a bit as a possibility for both you and your wife. She clearly chose you, now walk hand in hand and try to find that common ground.

WLS is not the easy way, as others before me indicate - this is just a tool. It will/can help her long in the long journey to physical and mental wellness.

[circa 333]

I think one thing that everyone here needs to realize about the "passion" here is that everyone here has relayed their passion. His wife has not to him. "I just always wanted to" in my mind does not cut it for such a life altering procedure - especially without trying anything else first.

What might be a helpful thing is, for lovinghusband to find a free seminar in the area, and go to it with his wife. Try to make an agreement with your wife that she'll do their pre-op program before going to Mexico to have the surgery. Listen at the seminar and ask the doctors questions. Ask every question he could possibly have - as well as the wife. Get the free medical information there before going to Mexico. Then make the decision from there. She may change her mind. She may not. But at least, if she goes along with it, at that point, you'll know you've done everything you could and educated yourself.

I think perhaps you do have fears about surgery - and maybe for a valid reason, however, I do wonder if she had overly large breasts, would you support her getting a breast reduction because of the pain they put on her back? Its not a matter of life or death, but it sure may feel like it to her.

I do get your issue. I totally understand what you're saying. All you're asking for is for her to try for a while just to prove that SHE is worth it to HERSELF. There might not be a need to take such a drastic step.

Many people here have tried and failed at diets or yo yo'd with their weight so many times, their bodies have refused to respond to diets. But from what you say, your wife hasn't even tried yet - many people do succeed at diet/lifestyle changes without surgery and many people don't.

[MeMeMEEE 206]

I'm sad to see that she won't need to go through the insurance process or the major process required by most Dr's in the USA. Seeing a psych, nutritionist, physical therapist and UNDERSTANDING everything that will be required of you when you go through with the surgery. Maybe you can talk with her about doing that on her own, seeing some of those same people. Can you talk to her friend's husband, the surgeon? Maybe he can make some suggestions as well. It may be different to him as it is a friend of his wife, maybe he can help you and her both. This isn't a decision to go in to lightly, it is a very serious life altering step. I went in to it knowing I had done all the research, had 6 months of medically supervised weight loss behind me, my primary Dr as well as the whole surgeon's office and team behind me in it.

[Amanda 3.0 140]

Actually, I'm with Lissa. I smell a big ol' troll. Think about it. LOL

[Mater 63]

And the crowd goes wild!!!!! A standing ovation to Amanda!!!!

[Ms skinniness 3,003]

Loving bundle. I hear you when u say your afraid of losing her. You love your wife as she is. I get that. Are you afraid of losing her if she gets thin and is absolutely stunning? You have stated "I have given her everything she needs, I guit a high paying job in the oil fields to be with her."

My husband was someone also who loved me as I was (fat). But he also trusted me in my decision to ha e this procedure. This has made our love for each other grow even deeper

My decision for this procedure was a out me not him. If he wouldn't ha e been supportive. Then it would have put a big strain on our relationship.

He loves me even more that I have lost weight and sometimes he does feel threaten. But we work through it.

Your wife loves you and is with you because she loves you. Please give her this gift with love and you will reap all the positive benefits possible.

I believe that "God" has given us these tools for a reason and so why not use them.

People on this forum have alot of passion on this topic and have given their. View. We have worked very hard to get here.

What I would do if I was you is seek counseling with a therapist that specializes with bariatric surgery. Also talk with her PCP for a referral for a complete physical and imaging of her heart valves. If she is healthy in that respect. She should be ok for this surgery. Go to YouTube and look at Dr Alvarez educational clips on this procedure. Best wishes

[PdxMan 4,292]

I have received a couple notes from folks asking why I haven't put my 2 cents in here, since I seem to put my 2 cents in on anything remotely controversial. Well, it's because it is like trying to explain the color green to a blind man. This fellow came here looking to validate his opinion and the folks here didn't give it to him. He truly believes he is not controlling. He has no objective perspective on the relationship and we surely are not going to change that. I mean, come on ... crying for 3 hours ... talk about manipulative:

http://en.wikipedia....al_manipulation

He has never walked in the shoes of a person with issues surrounding food, body image and all that goes with this. He doesn't even know the size of the shoe. He has his opinion and that is all that matters.

He says he has never thrown an insult at anyone shortly after he says how VERY VERY VERY close minded everyone is.

I do have one question for you, though Husband ... What makes you think this is the "easy" way out? This is the hardest thing I have ever done. More difficult than any of the successful diets I did previously, but far more rewarding knowing that I have a tool to help me not sabbotage myself gaining it all back.

My spouse doesn't always make the best decisions, but I committed to supporting her no matter what. Perhaps this may be the hardest thing for you ... but, I'm afraid you won't take the time to become fully educated. There are risks everyday.

There is a saying that ignorance is easier than knowledge, and I think an ignorant person wouldn't take the time to see things from the other side of the coin. I applaud you keeping this dialog open. It tells us you are willing to learn.

I know you say it's about the family, but let's let it be just about your wife. Step away from it to get some perspective. If you are always going to fear being that 1 in 10,000, then your life is going to be paralyzed.

Also, we don't know what your wife has or hasn't done. I'm not sure how well we can take your word for it. She may have been making attempts you were never aware of. I know I made several attempts my wife was never privy to. I didn't tell her because I didn't want the humiliation if/when I failed again.

Good luck to you and your wife.

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,281]

@Lovinghusband,

Short but sweet here... personally I think this is a conversation you and your dear Wife should be having. Not between You, me and everyone else on the internet, EXCEPT her.

I understand your concern for her. You care whether she lives or dies... but do not forget - we ALL will die someday. She's just trying to avoid dying young and living the life of a sick fat person. No one wants to live like that, no you, not me - and not anyone. I've never met a TRULY happy fat person. Never, and I never will.

You said so yourself, you've never been overweight, so IMO anything you say to us comes from someone who doesn't understand what it's like. Perhaps someday you might? Oh and then you will know. That said I do not wish that on you. I don't wish that on my worst enemy. So, PLEASE do NOT wish this upon your Wife.

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,281]

When you VERY VERY VERY VERY close minded people have your mind made up, nothing I say will make any difference, unless I just lie and say what you want to hear. I am with my wife for the person she is on the inside. YES I want her to lose weight. She was much thinner when we met and looked great, but I, unlike the rest of you obviously VERY shallow people still think she is just as beautiful as the day I met her, as INSANE as that may sound. I love her no matter what, but since you people have warranted my OPINION, as well as INSULTED me beyond belief I will give you an unfiltered overview of how I feel about WLS. It is a MEDICAL procedure, it is A GOD SEND for someone whose health is IN DANGER. For someone who only needs to lose 40 or 50 lbs, it is an unnecessary risk, and call me every name in the book I really don't care because you people have already insulted my family and my very reason for loving my wife, but when I see someone take a risk like that only to lose a little weight, because they were not physically active, didn't watch what they ate, I do not feel "proud" of those people. If my wife made a few changes in her lifestyle, and I mean REAL changes, not only for a month or so, and still didn't lose the weight, I would still see her just as beautiful as I always have. Our health is the more precious thing we have and playing around with something so vital should not be taken so lightly, REGARDLESS of how good of a marketing ploy these doctors distribute. On that note, I obviously came to the wrong place, GOODBYE.

If it is true your wife only needs to lose 40-50 Lbs then you're in luck. You will never find a surgeon in his right mind who will perform any weight loss surgery on her.